I told my wife ... it did NOT go well

[fionasboots]

It's late here (23:30), think I actually broke the news at 23:00, it's all kind of a blur.

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given :(

From what I can remember my wife made a comment that, with all the shaving of legs etc I was probably a transvestite, at which point I said I was, I just thought it was an opportunity and a point at which I couldn't lie.

She reacted very badly and has asked me to get out of the house until she can get her head round this.

She has said that she wants to be married to a man and not half and half.

She cried for at least 5 minutes :(

I haven't been able to cry, I seem to feel detached as if this isn't happening (how else would I be able to type this now).

She has said she has no-one to tell about this and may have to talk to her mum; I said that it is up to her who she tells.

She has said that she doesn't want our son to know or to see me dressed up (he is only 3 at the moment). I said that that was fine.

She has talked about me breaking her heart by telling her this and asked why I never said anything before.

Life has suddenly gone horribly wrong

[NighttimeGirl]

that sounds like the conversation i had with my G/f some many years ago she was heartborken and said she couldnt go on, we have split previously through this not so long back, last week but now it is going well again, she needs time and plenty of it to think, it is a big change for her to accept, yeah the bombshell you dropped ?? well how else sometimes can you fit it into the conversation,
were in the uk are you if you dont mind me asking, I am in Notts its 23:48

Dont give up hope, there are plenty of ppl on the forum who are in the same situation so you are in the best place for advice, let her cool off and then try again in the morning, I have a two year old and one on the way as well so i know how difficult it is, theres allsorts of questions she will throw at you now, just be prepared and tell her what your intentions are if you know, I didnt when I first told my G/f she is cool now, we go shopping and everything together, beleive me this can have a happy ending

good luck Fiona

love Linda xxxx

[Laura C]

I went threw the same thing . i had very bad results I ended up getting devorced. I hope things work out better for you..

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Fiona

Now you have to deal with all the fall out.
You know it's going to take a lot of hard work time and patience to slove this.
I guess you know most of it having been here a while.
Remember have the information ready for when she asks all the questions.
Go at the pace she wants to go at. But most of all be honest as if she suspects another secret then it could get worse.

Take Care
I hope you can both get through this situation.

[SherriePall]

Fiona -- I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage. That was over six years ago. It didn't go well. I wasn't too prepared. I just blurted it out. After a couple of days, she calmed down and we talked. We still love each other, but she has never seen me dressed. Yet she does, in some small ways, allow Sherrie to exist. Just take it slowly. Don't push. And, this is very important, keep telling your wife how much you love her and that it was because of your love for her that you didn't tell her sooner -- that you were afraid to lose her (which I was). Take care and keep in touch.

[karen fox]

When I first told my wife, she did not react well either. She told her mum, her sister & husband, her sister-in-law and MY mum.
She was ok with it for a while when we had spent hours and hours talking, but although we are no longer together, it does not mean every couple ends up the same.
Your partner has actually said she needs to get her head around this fact. If I were you I'd take that as a good sign that maybe things will work out between you.

[spoonie]

Fionasboots
Hi Im sorry things have worked out as bad for you, I would suggest you and your good lady sleep on it and give her time to digest the bomb shell you have just drop in her lap.then try to make amends tomorrow.
best of luck
Love as always
Spoonie

[fionasboots]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words.

I certainly hope that this will have a happy outcome but, obviously at the moment things don't look too good.

The last thing my wife said to me was that she didn't like liars. I think this was something I expected from what has been said to me before about coming out.

She is absolutely right, I have lied to her and hidden things from her I did try and say that I had wanted to tell her and that I was confused about this for a long time.

I asked her what she was imagining and she said "you prancing around in my clothes" so I told her that I had my own, I'm not sure whether this made her feel better or worse. She did ask where they were (I told her - in the loft) but wasn't specific about location.

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.

[Julie Avery]

Sorry to hear that your partner is being clueless. You have my support. Your posts here have been polite and constructive, it's a durn shame that you find yourself in this fix. Do not blame yourself. I think it's clear that you're doing everything you can.

Julie aka Doug

[NewbieCD]

It's late here (23:30), think I actually broke the news at 23:00, it's all kind of a blur.

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given :(

From what I can remember my wife made a comment that, with all the shaving of legs etc I was probably a transvestite, at which point I said I was, I just thought it was an opportunity and a point at which I couldn't lie.

She reacted very badly and has asked me to get out of the house until she can get her head round this.

She has said that she wants to be married to a man and not half and half.

She cried for at least 5 minutes :(

I haven't been able to cry, I seem to feel detached as if this isn't happening (how else would I be able to type this now).

She has said she has no-one to tell about this and may have to talk to her mum; I said that it is up to her who she tells.

She has said that she doesn't want our son to know or to see me dressed up (he is only 3 at the moment). I said that that was fine.

She has talked about me breaking her heart by telling her this and asked why I never said anything before.

Life has suddenly gone horribly wrong

If nothing else invite her to the boards and let talk to other GG's here who have so's that CD and let them help they have a lot of advice and understand what she is going thru it is out there now nothing you can do but be supportive of her and ride out the storm. I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your wife.

[fionasboots]

Sorry to hear that your partner is being clueless. You have my support. Your posts here have been polite and constructive, it's a durn shame that you find yourself in this fix.

Julie aka Doug

I have to leap to my wife's defense here; she isn't being clueless at all she is just having a great deal of difficulty taking this in.

For 5 years she thinks she has been married to a normal, manly guy and now she finds that she didn't really know the person she married.

I would concede that other people may have an easier time with dealing with this sort of news simply because they have a greater degree of experience in life, e.g. may have come across CDers before, had friends who are CDers, or even just living in a big city when you either encounter more diverse people or at the very least read about them.

I don't think my wife's life in general has included experiences that can help her cope with this sort of bombshell, I'm pretty much out of my depth here as well and would be completely drowning if it wasn't for what I have read on this forum and the support the people here have shown me :love:

So "clueless" is rather harsh, "helpless" may be a more appropriate word. And yes, it is a shame that I'm in this situation but it's more of a shame that my wife is having to deal with it without the same help I've got.

And no, sadly I don't think this forum can help her (yet), since she isn't really up to speed with using the internet for this sort of thing and, while I certainly won't stop her looking for information I think sending her straight here may lead to information overload and possibly her seeing things that make her worry even more.

I have found some sites that may be of use but I'll have to see how it goes.

[fionasboots]

If nothing else invite her to the boards and let talk to other GG's here who have so's that CD and let them help they have a lot of advice and understand what she is going thru it is out there now nothing you can do but be supportive of her and ride out the storm. I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your wife.

Thank you for those kind words, but please, don't bother praying for me, it's my wife that needs to help now, not me.

As for directing her here, see my previous post on the thread (just sent it a few mins ago), it would be nice if she could get support here but I think that will be a long time off.

[tekla west]

I feel sorry for you and for your wife. That sitution is never pretty.

I always try to advocate the truth from the beginning for this very reason. My GF knew I dressed from the start, within 24 of meeting me she saw me dressed. Because we started like this, its been no big deal.

If this can be of any use to anyone, the lesson is to come out to begin with. I don't think any of the GGs will fault me for saying that honesty is not a bad way to begin a real relationship. Whatever the pain is up front in rejection, it only compounds as time goes by. Being rejected for someone you meet over coffee is a bitch. Being rejected by someone you have built a life with will rip your heart out, drag your soul through shards of glass, and put concertina wire around your other emotions. Belive me, that's a hard way to go.

[Calliope]

For 5 years she thinks she has been married to a normal, manly guy and now she finds that she didn't really know the person she married.


I think your best bet is to remain the 'normal, manly guy' she knows - that is, keep your everyday behavior consistent (while allowing the dialogue to continue), that way perhaps she'll realize her world hasn't imploded, it just got richer.

[Tracy Lynn]

Hi Fiona,

When I came out to my wife there was lots of crying on both sides. Things have worked out very good since though. I hope she can find a way to deal with this. She probably just needs some space for now. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the best,

[ava_bruna]

I guess it all boils down to, BEING HONEST at the onset, either that or stay in the closet and get stressed out :( you either care enought for your wife/ GF to do as she want's, ie give up CDing :( or let her go cause it will surface time and time again and you will never be happy. either of you. Everyone has their own idea of what to do but when the time does come, DO WE ? just play it by ear and hope for the best, BEST OF LUCK.

[Holly]

Fiona, I am at a loss for words. I can only hope and pray that the strength of the lpve between the two of you will eventually prevail. Unlike at the beginning of your disclosure to her, I hope you will heed the advice to be prepared to talk to her openly, honestly, and at her pace and when she is ready. you've been dealing with this for some time now... it's all new to her.

[drew44]

I understand how guilty you must feel. It's never easy. But the cat is out of the bag now. And let's be honest, there must be a part that feels relief. It's just going to be difficult to predict the outcome here, especially if she has been socialized in a very traditional way.

Furthermore, remember that she is going to worry about what her family and friends might think if they find out. Allowing you to dress is one thing. Coming out to all will complicate her life. So that is a point to consider.

My best wishes

[Jessica Brekke]

I feel for you, Fiona. I'm in a similar situation. I told my wife about it after being married for five years. She was extremely upset. We stayed together for another five years, mostly by me shutting down my CD impulses... but in the end, that was not a viable solution. As of a month ago, she and I have seperated.

I think the most important thing you can do is continue being yourself, reassure her that you still love her and keep the lines of communication open. And above all, honesty from here on out.

And know that a lot of us here sympathize with both you, and your wife.

[midwest GG]

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.[/QUOTE]


Hello,
When my husband came out to me, I wanted to know everything. All of the questions I asked, no matter how hard, he answered. I think that for somepeople it helps to know everything, and then digest it..that's how I liked it. I just wanted to let you know that everyone is different however, I know you want to protect her and I can tell you love her dearly. Comming from a GG who totally freaked out when I first found out, she may just need time and answers. Give her both of them and what is supposed to happen, will happen. Good luck, and please tell her she is not alone, Someone in Minnesota USA has fealt the same exact way. :hugs:

[Maria2004]

beleive me this can have a happy ending

good luck Fiona

love Linda xxxx

She's right. My coming out was as traumatic , thought it was the end of the world when my wife equally freaked (as expected, and quite normal), and she was certianly not "clueless either, highly intelligent and highly educated (except about transvestites, but so was I at the time).

The initial outing, as bad (or in some cases as good) as it may seem, is not a reliable indicator of what the future may hold. Be honest with "yourself" AND your wife now. If true love existed between you -as your previous replies indicate- a happy ending will be the probability.

PS Don't bring your wife to the forum right away, if at all, I agree with your assesment, your on the right track for your situation there. Hope in the long run it works out for you as well as it did for me.

[Marla GG]

Fiona,

I am so sorry about the way this went for you; you must be crushed. If it is any consolation, I think you were right to tell her the truth when she asked you outright. Any more evasive answers would have only made things worse in the long run.

Please try to understand that a lot of women DO freak out and cry when they first learn about their partners' dressing, and that doesn't mean they will never accept it. It may just be shock, coupled with a lack of understanding about exactly what a crossdresser is. Ten years ago, when my first CD boyfriend (not Angel) told me that he liked to wear women's clothes, my reaction was not that different from your wife's. I cried, felt sick, and wouldn't let him touch me for several days. I am not proud of the way I handled it, but I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and needing time to deal with my feelings before we could even talk about it. But after talking it over with him and educating myself, I realised it was no big deal. It wasn't long before I even started enjoying it and wanting to participate.

Your wife probably has a lot of scary assumptions whirling around in her brain right now, and I hope that she will give you a chance to address her fears and reassure her that you are the same person you always were. It is obvious that you love her and care very much about her feelings, so I have faith that the two of you will work things out. All is not lost; just give her time to get over the shock, and answer her questions as honestly and lovingly as you can.

Sending lots of good vibes your way....

Hugs,
Marla xx

[Bernice]

I think I probably went against every piece of advice that I was given :(

It's easy for us to sit here and dish out advice from the relative safety of our keyboards, while you are on the frontlines, dealing with the drama and the tension, and all the emotions.

It might not hurt to apologize for having just blurted it all out they way you did. That might help to show her that you do care about her feelings, and that you realize it was a bit too much to expect her to handle very well immediately. It might be the truth if you pointed out that you had never told anyone about this before, and you are learning by making mistakes. And, while she is nowhere near ready to be able to appreciate the fact, as hard as it is for her to deal with this surprise, it has been just as hard for you to keep it from her, no?

I wish you well. :hugs:

[Clare]

Hiya Fiona.

I have read your posts and I think you have responded well so far in regard to your Wife's reactions.

Giver her time to digest matters and answer all her questions honestly in a tackful manner. Most importantly, just be your normal self that she has always known ok?

Think of it this way - the worst is over - no more hidden secrets! I'm sure this revelation will all work out in the long term, but expect some short term difficult periods.

Luv to ya Fiona.

[Barb Valentine]

I'm so sorry too hear this
But I hope that the two of you can work through this
For a happy ending

[Kaitlyn Michele]

please hang in there..

i lost my marraige, but it seems to run 50-50 and the initial reaction is not an indication of anything...

in fact, my soontobe exwife...seemed to be starting to get her head around it and at one point "forgave" me....but in the end she just didnt want to deal with it

so you take care of her but also take care of yourself..

michele

[simonep]

Fionasboots

As someone who has a good relationship with my wife over my CDing, I can say that it does happen (we are coming to our first anniversary soon).

My heart goes out to you, you have breached the barrier of silence and suspicion and now trust needs to be rebuilt.

The best of luck and best wishes.

Love Simone

[noname]

:( So sorry to hear how it all went. Perhaps you could suggest you both go to counceling? It would show that your willing to work with her as well as provide her with insite to cd'ing. Once again, sorry to hear this didn't go well.

[Joy Carter]

Some comments I have dealt with from the SO.

"Why can't you just be a man ?"

"I can't handle this !"

"I don't want to see you like that !"

"What are others going to say !"

So there has never been the lying issue because we both kept things from each other, but only not to hurt one an other. We have been honest about our love but sometimes the truth is not what she wanted to hear.

So do you think she has been totally honest to you ? Not that I want to know I just think it's human nature to be that way. I do feel for you both and I hope a happy out come is soon forth coming. Go into the archives and read up on the subject there is much good advice there. Relationships require daily maintenance and that is key to a lasting one. Take care and give her a big hug from all of us.:hugs:

[Mistress Frillee]

When I date a woman & I feel there is a future together, I usually tell her within the 1st 3 months...... I just say something like its just a piece of cloth & i like it & its harmless compared to being addicted to:

drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn.... if she cant handle it, then I tell her 3 words

theres the door! :thumbsup:

[Sandra]

Sorry to hear this but you now have to give her the time she needs to "get her head round it" as she has said. She will have loads of answers which will need honest replies, she could also benefit a lot if she joined here and chatted with the rest of the GGs here, after all we have all been in the same boat. You've got a hard time ahead of you both and I hope you can both work it out.

[cath]

Just hang in there, I only found out recently and it is a huge thing to take on board.I couple of weeks of tears and now I want to know as much as I can so we can keep moving forward.
At first I thought it would tear us apart but to my surprise we are probably closer than we have been for a long time.
Good luck will be thinking of you both.

[fionasboots]

Okay, only a quick post to update everyone, again I must say many, many, many heartfelt thanks for all the advice, help, support, care, etc

Things were pretty bad first thing this morning and my wife was all for walking out or kicking me out. My son (nearly 3) was being unbelievably cute and kept giving us both kisses since he knew we were both sad - he's fantastic :love:

Anyway, my wife suddenly changed tack and asked "Have you got any high heels?" and then giggled. I admitted I had and said they were hard to walk in! I also then went on to tell her about me trying to walk in heels in Liverpool (in drab) which seemed to take okay.

I've emphasised that I haven't used any of her clothes of make-up, she seemed happier about this but was a bit squeemish when I said I had a little bag with lipstick, so I stopped at that point.

I also told her what dress size I was and she said "Oh I've got a dress that might fit you!", she said this with a grin so it obviously wasn't meant as a dig at me.

She also made a comment about ear-rings and I said I couldn't find clip-on ones (where on earth do you get these) and then she said she knew how to get them!

She has now said that we will drive down together to drop off our son with her mother and then she will come back home as she had planned.

This is millions and trillions of times better than the state we were in last night so I feel much, much, much happier :D

I am flying out to India for 2 weeks on Thursday so that gives my wife and I 4 days here without our son which may be good talking time.

She has stated that she doesn't want our son to see me dressed, I agreed completely and said I didn't want that to happen either. I have said that I will answer questions about CDing if he ever asks but will NOT tell him what I do, just my opinion. I have said this about other aspects of our live where my wife and I hold different views.

She also said she didn't want to see me dressed as well, which I also agreed to as that only seems fair.

The whole thing with shaving is still a bit hit and miss though, I did say last night (before dropping this bombshell) that I promised faithfully to let them grow back in Winter. Now my wife is saying she doesn't like them at all and I offered to let them grow back now if it would help cope.

I think this (and a whole load of other stuff) is something we will have to work on - the shaving could be a problem as I genuinely do like it better now (so much more comfortable) but she may be more anti now which is understandable.

As for the suggestions of getting her online. I will persue that approach and see if she can just look at the GG forum, I think it is way, way, way too early to let her know my persona on here as that will lead immediately to my avatar picture and all the yahoo stuff, she is NOT ready for that at all!

Thanks again all :love:

[Angie G]

Hi Feona my wife handledthe news very well but hade all the fears of geting this news but we eased in to it over some time I tell and show her constantlythat I love her some your wife needto know now and in thefuture.
Angie .G

[nishababe]

Hi Fiona,

I have read all the posts and am glad that it seems a bit better for both you and your wife at present .

I think that you should try to assure your wife that you love her very much and just try to take things very easy and slowly for the moment .

When the subject of c/d raises its head try to keep it light hearted and not too intense .

I myself think that it it better to treat it as something that you find relaxing and pleasurable ,rather than to delve into all the sexual feelings that you may have .

At the final count only the 2 of you can sort this out ,so just be calm and let her know that you are still the same kind and loving husband that you have always been and lets hope it all works out ok for you and your family .

Thinking of you both ,

''Nishababe'':thumbsup:

[Raychel]

Hello Fiona,

If there is true love in your marriage it will out shine these problems that you are having. At times I had questioned if that true love was in my marriage. When I told my wife she cryed for days and had dreams that would wake her up in the night. After talking it all thru she is now pretty much accepting. I find it easier to talk to her about almost anything. There are time when I am stil a bit apprehensive. But overall our marriage is better now than it ever was.

So keep the faith that the love will help you thru this. You wife may have a very hard time dealing with this, and there will probably be some compromises that you both will have to make. My wife has no desire to see me in a dress. She can deal with the lingerie, but no more at this point. A simple compromise for me. There is still time that I can wear my dresses. I just tell my wife to be sure to call before she comes home.

I am hoping and praying for your life to work out as good as mine.

Raychel

[Bev06 GG]

Good to see Fiona, that your taking a step back and putting your wifes fears and concerns first. Its early days and allsorts of feelings and emotions will rear their ugly head, but you sound level headed and considerate enough to cope with them. Wishing you all the luck in the world and praying for both of you at this very difficult time.
Love BEVxxxxx

[Kristen Kelly]

Going through the same things myself now

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34731

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=36222

If you would like to chat my Yahoo IM is KristenKelly77
I am not an expert, but going through many of the same thing you posted. The biggert thing go at HER speed and continue to comunicate, when she is ready provide as much information as she wants, books articles, etc. Best of luck and don't give up, remember, you are the reason she married you, Fiona and your male halfs contrubitute to who you are.

[gennee]

I know where you're coming from, Fiona. When I told my wife she was surprised. Now we share skirts and tops.

Let things simmer down until she's had time to think this over. It's a lot to digest but I trust she will want to know some things about Fiona. I hope things work out for you both.

Gennee

[Carol A]

I do feel sorry for all my sisters who have or are going through hell with your wife. It's been over 6 years now since my wife found my cloths and I had to tell her only I used the word Crossdresser. Anyway I now dress about 95% of the time my wife treats me no diferent what every way I'm dressed. Now I will admit she is fussy about how I dress, her saying is " if your going to do it do it properly". Now what she means is no teenage dressing or dressing like a tart, dress like a lady your age. Been a long long road but I am happy and she doesn't seem to mine, well every now and again she will ask if I would be her husband today, which in short mean she doesn't want me to dress that day. I can live with that.:hugs:

[paulaN]

I have found that my wife is ok with having a crossdressing husband (sometimes) sometimes no. It seems to depend on her mood on any given day. Also the time of the month seems to make a differance as to her level of acceptance. sorry gg's but it is true. that time has a lot to do with her mood too. so go slow and if one day she hates it maybe the next she will be fine. so go with the flow. I wish you both the best. good luck hun.

[Lynnette53]

I "came out" to my wife about six years ago- at least in conversation. It did not go well either. We both cried a lot, stopped talking to each other, and walked on egg shells all the time. Tension in our house was as thick as fog. I moved out and lived alone twice during the ensueing period. We both ended up on anti-depressants. I sought counselling alone, my wife sought counselling alone, and eventually we went to counselling together. I was certain it was all going to end in divorce court (or worse). It has been a long hard battle. Even after she accepted the fact emotionally, it still came as a shock to her when she saw me fully dressed and made up the first time (about six months ago). She told me that had she passed me on the street, she would not have recognized me. While this bodes well for my Lynnette persona- if she wouldn't recognized me, then it's unlikely that my other friends and aquaintances would either- it really shook her up badly. We had to regroup a bit. I let her watch while I made the complete transformation. We are still dealing with some discomfort but continue to make progress. We truely do love each other and, while this has been a very serious wrinkle in our relationship, it is that mutual love that "endures all and forgives all" that has enabled us to persevere. Buckle your seat belt, maintain your love, seek professional help together, and stay the course. If the love between you and your wife remains strong it can and will sustain you through this difficult time.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

When I date a woman & I feel there is a future together, I usually tell her within the 1st 3 months...... I just say something like its just a piece of cloth & i like it & its harmless compared to being addicted to:

drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn.... if she cant handle it, then I tell her 3 words

theres the door! :thumbsup:
I like your tact. Brilliant idea!

Fiona,
So Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm sure it's very painful and scarey. But I think you did the right thing and the best thing. Hiding this from the person you are to be most intimate with does not foster the trust and mutual respect needed in a marriage Turn to those who support you, like here.
Kew

[tekla west]

"It's easy for us to sit here and dish out advice from the relative safety of our keyboards"

It seems to me that most of the people who post advice on any of these "relationship" threads are not doing it from any safe place at all. They have been there, and its not some casual deal, but from thier heart the voice of experience. For many, I'm sure it hurts to go back and dig in all that dirt again, but they do it so that others might not feel the pain they had to go through. Just a thought.

[kathy gg]

Getting to thread thread late....but day two sounds to have a bit of a huge difference than day one.

I think what every person has to realize is that YOU {the tg person} has had years and years to sort through their own inner questions and insecurities and fears and all that. I mean we read posts here every day about people being depressed/having anxiety and overall really having tough times coming to terms with who they are.


Just keep talking, learn right now to start being honest. Please dont' think that by suger coating any other truths about this that is it better.

I think it is great that she is already laying down some of her feelings. Both of you are entitled to share your worries/concerns/dislikes and hopes for the future.

The hard part will be trusting you again, but dont' give her reason to doubt you and begin to know all of you. Hopefully she will have patience and let time heal her wounds.

Best of luck

[swiss_susan]

Fiona,

Glad to hear things are getting better today.

All I will say is that like any part of a successful relationship it will involve compromise, and honest communication, between you.

I will and my prayers for your wife son and for you. :thumbsup:

Susan

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Fiona

Delighted that things are getting better. I know there may still be a few hurldes to overcome. A word of caution don't promise anything you cant keep to. Just can say you will try your best.
Remember just take things a her pace.

best wishes

[Janelle Young]

I came out to my GF about six months ago, after we had been together for about year. It did not go well and I did not do a very good job of presenting my Cd'ing to her. She did the freak and wanted nothing to do with me. We still stayed in touch with each other and now six months later we are a couple again. She knows about my dressing but has no desire to see me dressed. I am OK with that, as long as she knows and can accept me for what I am I am happy. Would I like her to be more supportive, of course I would.

I do not push the issue at all and keep it as low key as I can. For me it works as I like this lady a lot. As long as she knows about me and can deal with me I am happy. You may be different and need more support / understanding from a mate than I do.

The point is that she may come around to some level of understanding. It may not be the level of your dreams, but it may be a level that you are comfortable with.

Give her time and take it slow, it may work out. At least I hope it does.

[BethGG]

That's good things are going a bit better now. Remember too there are books that can really help. When I first found out, I didn't really know there was such a thing as a crossdresser, so I felt a bit weird about it, but once I started learning more about it(reading/online stuff/talking with Tgirl74), I realized that there were many more people who were CDs, and it became more "normal" seeming to me, you know? So perhaps if you put some emphasis that there are many people who CD, that there are books to help girlfriends/wives out there, perhaps she'll take solice in that. Anyway, I think that's great you were open and honest with her, regardless of what happens you should always be yourself :)

[ChrissyGG]

I truly believe honesty is the best policy! Good luck with your wife!

[KirstyChibiMoon]

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.


Hello,
When my husband came out to me, I wanted to know everything. All of the questions I asked, no matter how hard, he answered. I think that for somepeople it helps to know everything, and then digest it..that's how I liked it. I just wanted to let you know that everyone is different however, I know you want to protect her and I can tell you love her dearly. Comming from a GG who totally freaked out when I first found out, she may just need time and answers. Give her both of them and what is supposed to happen, will happen. Good luck, and please tell her she is not alone, Someone in Minnesota USA has fealt the same exact way. :hugs: [/QUOTE]


yeah!! i feel just like that!!!!
<<giggles>>

[marti]

I told my wife about my dressing about 5 years ago after almost 20 years of marriage. She had helped me dress for halloween once and as a joke once and had polished my nails a couple of times in the past. She took it pretty well at first although she had all of the usual questions. I didn't go too crazy but took it a little too much and she rebelled. Now she wants nothing to do with it or see it.She does know that I dress when she isn't around and has never given any ultimatums that I stop. I guess that I am lucky that she is still with me and I hopethat someday she may accept it more. Go very slowly, even though she may be accepting a little now she may also have a rebound and despise it in the future.

[fionasboots]

Things have got much worse

My wife felt that she didn't have anyone to talk to (she doesn't have many, if any close friends) so she had to confide in her mother (I said that it was ultimately up to her who she spoke to and I would take the consequence).

I then had to tell my parents since my wife's mother was going to ring them. I completely broke down in tears when I broke that news over the phone.

I then completely dissolved when my wife asked how it went. She said it would be better if I went up there to give her and me time.

When we arrived we both broke down again.

Talking to my parents was not fun (as you can imagine) and they certainly didn't hide the fact that they thought that there was hard and big decisions ahead.

Both sets of parents have agreed to keep this quite for now and have said that myself and my wife need to go to the doctors in order to get referred to someone that can help (counselling) - yes, there may be other places to start but the doctors have the right information and give a certain degree of authenticity to any suggestions.

The over-whelming response seems to have been that everyone is completely shocked and hurt by this bomb-shell that I have dropped. The implication is also (because maybe they don't fully understand this) that I need to "hang up my clothes" (my Dad used this expression) and that may help moving forwards.

The suggestion from talking to my parents is that my wife will not accept this carrying on. I think that this is porbably true and worse that the damage is already done and that is it.

I am obviously in pieces and don't know what to do/think. I have a friend here who I have talked to and she is being very supportive (and has had experience of CDers before so it totally un-fazed by the concept).

Two things are sticking in my head at the moment though:

1) I can't seem to fully understand the attitude that this is the worst thing I could possibly do/be. I know that initial reactions are always going to be worse than after people understand more but the over-whelming feeling from my wife and everyone else is that what I have done is akin almost to murder and is even worse than having an affair! It worries me that my point-of-view ("this is just something I do, I can't help it") is so far from theirs that there is no hope of bridging the gap.

2) I am STILL thinking of CDing - I was waiting on the train station and heard and then watched a young girl walk by in high heels and I immediately wanted to get dressed and put mine on. I also was concerned about getting all of my things out of the house, although my wife agreed that this was good as she was feeling sick at the thought of them being there. I wanted to save them though, I didn't want to throw them away (or have them thrown away).

Also I have a business trip to India for 2 weeks, leaving Thursday and have to go back home to pack - I'm already planning what clothes I need to take from my parents to home to pack so I can dress while away.

This makes me think even more that I am doomed, I can't honestly say "yep, I can give up anytime". My life has been shattered.

[swiss_susan]

Fiona,

I'm sorry that this has taken a turn for the worse, and I will be the first to admit I have never been in that position.

I will however say this, each relationship you have is different, wether with parents, or a spouse, or anyone else, and I really think you should try to work with each differently.

Obviously given that the is also a youngster involved, the most important one to focus on is between you and your wife (in my opinion). At some point I think you should sit down with her (before your trip if possible) and try to establish at least a short term plan.

This is really not something that need concern the rest of the family for the moment.

I can only hope and pray that you will be able to resolve the current situation, and my thoughts are with you.

Best wishes

Susan

[Scotty]

I think you are going to be in for a serious emotional roller coaster for a while, so hang in there.

What you sound like you need is her assurance that you two can work this out......once you know that, heck, it's all details from there.

I wish the best for you two!!

And give her some manuevering room too, sounds like she's trying to make this work out.

[kathy gg]

Hi....

hmm, I know this is not the time to say this, because you are struggeling....but people who might be faced with "coming out" need to learn about this.

WOMEN NEED someone to talk to. That is why making a connection with an SO support group or finding a safe place or person for her to talk to is ABSOLUTELY a must.

I think getting your/her parents involved was unnecessary. I understand why you told her what you did...but all this is the work of an unprepared person.

She did as many do. They confide in someone who has no freaking clue what it means to be tg or cd and then are surprised when all hell breaks loose.

I am not scolding you, but this pattern gets repeated so much it is like watching a rerun of Seinfeld.

The problem is now, no matter what happens to her acceptance levels you will always hae this hanging over your head from her family and yours. Cding does not have to ever be this public...I mean I understood this right....you have not even gone out dressed right? I mean we are talking about clothing.....

I really am sorry this all is turning into hell.....but I wish you had taken better percautions to get her educated about this and get her proper people to hook up with for reassurance or something....what about this othe gg friend...? why was she not the 'go-to' gal in this?

Anyway....I hope other people can at least learn how super-duper important it is to present cding with info laid out and at hand.....not spur of the moment off the cufff....rarely does it work out favorably.

[kali GG]

This is pretty much exactly what happened when my CD husband told me. He didn't really plan to tell me, it just kind of came out in bits and pieces, with me getting more and more freaked out along the way, wondering what the next big secret would be.

And I did tell my father, much to my husband's horror. My dad is my best friend and when I was crying on the phone and he asked what was going on, I was so in need of support and guidance that I did. Then, years later, when it became clear that my marriage was really on the rocks, I told my mother. She is actually quite supportive of my husband, while being understanding of my pain. She doesn't understand the compulsion of CD, but she realizes it must be a serious need of my husband's because she knows he would not hurt me and jeopardize the family if it weren't important to him. I realize that now too. But honestly...it took me years to get here and my marriage is still over, barring a miracle.

It reminded me of what you said in your post about how despite the pain and confusion going on in your family right now, you still have dressing on your mind. That goes to show that it must run pretty deep and isn't something you just get rid of, as I thought (and hoped) for several years.

You sound just like my husband when you say, "it's not like I'm a murderer," etc. And you're right, it's not like it's morally wrong to CD, of course. And a lot of GGs seem to say, "it's not the dressing, it's the lying." But that's only part of the story for me.

I could forgive the lying. I understand hiding something when you are so scared of rejection from someone you love. The heart of the matter is that when I found out about my husband's CD, it completely killed my ability to be attracted to him. Like a switch was thrown. And I couldn't get it back. So my anger and pain is really more about having that rug pulled out from under me. Now we are separated, with two small kids.

So maybe your wife is afraid deep down that she won't be able to handle it long-term, and she's looking at her life crumbling and so she is freaking out. It may not make sense to the CD, it never did to my husband, but for some wives (me, anyway) it feels like overnight your husband is gone and your life as you knew it is over, and there is a lot of grief and mourning that goes with that loss.

I'm sorry things are spinning out of control, I know how hard all this has been on my husband as well as on me so I can imagine how you feel.

Best wishes from a GG in the trenches.

Kali GG

[fionasboots]

Hi....

hmm, I know this is not the time to say this, because you are struggeling....but people who might be faced with "coming out" need to learn about this.


Kathy, having read your posts before I respect the advice you have given before to me and others and totally accept that sometimes this may be a harsh reality. If my experience helps others then so be it.



WOMEN NEED someone to talk to. That is why making a connection with an SO support group or finding a safe place or person for her to talk to is ABSOLUTELY a must.

I think getting your/her parents involved was unnecessary. I understand why you told her what you did...but all this is the work of an unprepared person.


Yes, I agree, I was not prepared. I only realise how and why I was unprepared now. Which is obviously too late.

I do not know what advice my wife has recieved from the doctor regarding a referral to a support group, I hope that it has been the right advice and that she will get some help.



She did as many do. They confide in someone who has no freaking clue what it means to be tg or cd and then are surprised when all hell breaks loose.


I can't say I'm surprised all hell has broken lose, numb, shocked, actually also some degree of relief as well.

I would agree with the "no freaking clue" - my parents have already "annoyed" me by there complete lack of understanding. This is not their fault, I do NOT hold this against them and I am now going to have to work hard to make them understand. It will be even harder to get my wife's parents to understand.



I am not scolding you, but this pattern gets repeated so much it is like watching a rerun of Seinfeld.


I have not watched Seinfeld, the analogy is lost on me ;-)

No, I know you are not scolding, like I said before, if others learn from my mistakes then that is a good thing.

Maybe sometimes you have to make your own mistakes to learn, I would prefer not to but I seem to be in that situation now. I usually try to learn from others mistakes, I would advise everyone to do that with this thread!



The problem is now, no matter what happens to her acceptance levels you will always hae this hanging over your head from her family and yours. Cding does not have to ever be this public...I mean I understood this right....you have not even gone out dressed right? I mean we are talking about clothing.....


No, I have not been out dressed (apart from the pretty embarrasing walk around liverpool in high-heel boots). I maybe would go out but at the moment no, it's just clothes.



I really am sorry this all is turning into hell.....but I wish you had taken better percautions to get her educated about this and get her proper people to hook up with for reassurance or something....what about this othe gg friend...? why was she not the 'go-to' gal in this?


The GG friend is my friend and unfortunately not at all close to my wife. My wife has always found it hard to find and keep close friends, she is very insecure. I have tried to encourage her to make more friends and go out with the girls at work more she is still more or less alone.

I think there is also a degree of envy as well, my wife has a hard job (nursery nurse), I sit in an office in front of a computer all day and have fun since I have good colleagues. The GG friend is one of them. My wife therefore wraps computers, works and my friends all up into something to be jealous of.



Anyway....I hope other people can at least learn how super-duper important it is to present cding with info laid out and at hand.....not spur of the moment off the cufff....rarely does it work out favorably.

I have learnt this the hard way :(

[fionasboots]

This is pretty much exactly what happened when my CD husband told me. He didn't really plan to tell me, it just kind of came out in bits and pieces, with me getting more and more freaked out along the way, wondering what the next big secret would be.


I hope now that the big secret is out, I certainly can't think of anything "big" anymore, it's all just details.



And I did tell my father, much to my husband's horror. My dad is my best friend and when I was crying on the phone and he asked what was going on, I was so in need of support and guidance that I did.


Did you not have anyone else to turn to?
No close friends?
My wife does not really have any close friends either so it did make sense for her to turn to her mother who she has always said is her best friend.



Then, years later, when it became clear that my marriage was really on the rocks, I told my mother. She is actually quite supportive of my husband, while being understanding of my pain. She doesn't understand the compulsion of CD, but she realizes it must be a serious need of my husband's because she knows he would not hurt me and jeopardize the family if it weren't important to him. I realize that now too. But honestly...it took me years to get here and my marriage is still over, barring a miracle.


I really do hope you get your miracle. If you can post here and talk openly about this to us and presumably to your husband and family I hope you can manage to work things out.



It reminded me of what you said in your post about how despite the pain and confusion going on in your family right now, you still have dressing on your mind. That goes to show that it must run pretty deep and isn't something you just get rid of, as I thought (and hoped) for several years.


I think other people have said that dressing can sometimes help relieve stress and maybe it takes them out of themselves for a while.

I know in the past when I have been worried about something I have often had the urge to get dressed up as it gives me something to concentrate on and maybe it uses up the imagination so that I can no longer spare any to worry about the thing concerning me.

As far as giving up, well, I have tried that many times before and ultimately I start thinking about CDing again and then the urge gets strong enought that I do it a little and then alot.



You sound just like my husband when you say, "it's not like I'm a murderer," etc. And you're right, it's not like it's morally wrong to CD, of course. And a lot of GGs seem to say, "it's not the dressing, it's the lying." But that's only part of the story for me.


I can fully understand the lying aspect, that is ultimately why I had to tell. This is both a self-less and selfish act; by coming out I am saying that I want to be totally honest, it is right that my wife knows everything about me. On the other hand by coming clean I am removing a huge burden from myself, I do feel better now that everything is out in the open, there is no longer any need to lie, to hide, to supress anything.



I could forgive the lying. I understand hiding something when you are so scared of rejection from someone you love. The heart of the matter is that when I found out about my husband's CD, it completely killed my ability to be attracted to him. Like a switch was thrown. And I couldn't get it back.


I had never thought about it like that, I'm glad you've said that as I may never have known that my wife may be going through the same thing. She has certainly said (screamed) that she didn't want to be near me and just had images of me in her head.

When you say you are no longer attracted to him in what way do you mean? I presume this would be in the sense of sexual attraction but surely there should be something else that makes up why someone is attracted to someone else? Or maybe without one part of attraction the other is also gone?




So my anger and pain is really more about having that rug pulled out from under me. Now we are separated, with two small kids.


I am truely sorry that kids are involved for you also. We only have one, a son who is soon to be 3years old. He knew my wife and I were upset and gave us both kisses. Just thinking about this breaks my heart.



So maybe your wife is afraid deep down that she won't be able to handle it long-term, and she's looking at her life crumbling and so she is freaking out. It may not make sense to the CD, it never did to my husband, but for some wives (me, anyway) it feels like overnight your husband is gone and your life as you knew it is over, and there is a lot of grief and mourning that goes with that loss.


Thank you again for sharing this with me, while it isn't a comforting thought it is helping me understand what my wife may be thinking and why she said and did certain things.



I'm sorry things are spinning out of control, I know how hard all this has been on my husband as well as on me so I can imagine how you feel.


Can I ask if you still love/care about your husband? I will understand if you don't want to answer such a direct and blunt question, I guess it's not a simple answer anyway.

Even through all the hell my wife has shown glimpses of tenderness and caring, I hope this continue no matter what happens.



Best wishes from a GG in the trenches.
Kali GG

Again, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, they have been very helpful to me.

I do hope things work out well for you, your husband and your children.

[Di]

I'm hopefull that after this roller coaster of emotions that your wife is going through...that she will realize that she loves you.....after all you are this person all along...the one she loves . Answer all her questions honestly...and tell her...your sorry for keeping this from her...but were afraid of losing her...and you are the same person....And you will not....not keep anything from her again.Take it slow....and I hope she can feel like she can trust you again.

[susanalter]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've been there myself. I think ideally we all hope are wives will be turned-on by our CDing or at least willing to experiment and have fun with it. But that is rarely the case. I can understand why they wouldn't be attracted to worse case scenario- a man in a dress, or best case scenario- another woman (unless she has some bi-tendencies which I don't think is genuinely as common as people make it out to be). Would you be attracted to a woman who looks like a man?

As I was reading through your posts, I was going to say not to get too excited by her seemingly "okay" reaction the next morning. As I progressed through your entries, I see that I was right. My wife went through the same thing. She probably wants to not be bothered by it, or to make light of it, but she can't help but be turned off by it.

If my wife had told anyone I would have died and I made that clear to her. I hope to God she didn't discuss it with anyone but she said she did not. She felt lost and needed someone to talk to but she respected my privacy so she turned to the internet. There is a lot of sicko stuff (pornography and all) about us, but she found some forums and read through them and said to me that she was surprised to find thousands of people like me. All of a sudden it wasn't so scary. Not normal but... not so abnormal anymore either.

I would be nervous about people knowing and about your wife telling others. Ask her to respect your privacy as well. But at the same time, I would play down your CDing. Don't lay it all on her at once. She has to realize that you are still the person she fell in love with and that nothing will really change in your marriage (that is assuming you are a casual CDer and don't want to do it full-time). She is probably scared of all sorts of crazy things- that you'll want to dress as a woman all the time, become a "real" woman, want to have sex with men, etc. Wether you deny those things or not she may be worried about it especially since you haven't been honest with her until now. Plus ignorance on a subject naturally breads fear. Any which way, she will be worried of her life being turned upside down. I would try hard to act normal and be the same fun loving manly guy she knew all these years. Don't even mention the dressing up (or do so sparingly) and most of all DON'T dress. At least not where she can see you or would know. Try to be normal. I may get flack for saying that from the other members about not being your true self. But let's face it- SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST is more important. Ease her into it. After she's calmed down about it you can slowly, slowly bring up things here or there. Baby steps may not get you where you want to go quickly, but they will at least be more likely to get you there.

I found that to be more effective with my wife. And while she still isn't comfortable dressing with me in front of her or anything, she says she is okay with me doing it on my own. And a couple times i slept in bed with her in just a simple nightgown and she was totally cool with it when she woke up the next morning. Not happy about it but no more upset then when I say, left the toilet seat up (actually, I think she gets much more upset about the toilet seat).

If the baby steps thing isn't working or you don't want to give it a try, therapy may not be a bad idea at all. At the very least I would like to think a therapist would be more educated on the subject and more open minded. He/she may be able to convince your wife that this isn't such a horrible thing and can be quite normal. I mean come on- it's not like you were born a pediphile or something. I don't have much experience with this though- you may want to ask around on the forums for a therapist who is more sympathetic to people like us. An authority figure who tells your wife it is both okay for you to dress and for her to have her initial fear might do you wonders. After all, your respective parents aren't a help.

On that note, I'm impressed you told your parents. And while it may take them time to adapt, they are your parents and should love you and support you no matter what! You should tell them so to remind them of this fact. This is a hard enough time for you without them making it more difficult. And if they aren't comfortable about your dressing they should at least do their best to be helpful in terms of saving your marriage. If not for their son's sake, then for their grandson's sake.

[kali GG]

Don't worry, your question is not too blunt. I do love my husband and care for him. It seems, though, that since all of this surfaced, that the love has changed from a romantic, sexual love to that of a deep friendship. I'm not angry at him (anymore...like I said, it took years), I want his happiness, I enjoy his company...I just have no sexual desire for him whatsoever, and it's been this way for over a year. If we were older, maybe I'd feel differently, but I'm 37 and I can't live without passion and intimacy in my life at this point in time.

You raise an interesting point...what attracts us to someone? Surely it must be more than sexual. I think you're right. And I have very little hope that I'll ever meet another man who can provide for me all the other wonderful things my husband always has, and who would care about me as much. That being said...I still can't get past the lack of sex in a marriage. Makes it more tragic, in a way, that we have a lot else going for us including feelings of love and caring.

Why, if I love him, can I not "rebuild" the intimacy/sex part? I wish I knew the answer to this, I would do it in a heartbeat. We've spent years in therpay and believe me, there's been a lot of talking, working, trying. It's just gone. In a lot of ways, sex is such a gut-level thing. I guess I'm hoping to find some answers on these boards. On that note, I would like to ask you a very personal question...I certainly don't want to pry, but I think we are in a unique position to help each other see the other side of this.

Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life? Because I think if you do, and your wife is getting what she needs from you as a man in that capacity, then there is a lot of hope for your situation. In my situation, our sex life was always problematic, and when I found out about his CD, everything kind of "clicked." I was not getting what I needed sexually, and suddenly, I felt like I understood why.

You see, my husband likes to be submissive in bed and "serve" me. I was looking for something different, i.e., a man to "take" me. That just runs totally counter to who he is. When I found out about the CD, I felt like the feminine side of him definitely carried over into our sex life and that was something I really couldn't come to terms with. That's what stopped me cold sexually, I think. He told me that his ultimate fantasy would be to have sex with me while dressed. I love the guy, he's a good father and there is a lot of goodwill here...but it ain't gonna happen.

I wish I knew how common/uncommon the desire to be submissive sexually is among CD. It makes sense that it would be pretty prevalent. If I may be so bold, I would be curious to know your thoughts on the matter.

One ray of hope I can give you is that depsite the lows we have hit (screaming at each other in a therapist's office--and out--and me saying horrible, hateful things) we really do seem to have a lot of consideration for each other underneath it all, and I think that will always be the case. Very important when there are kids to be raised, obviously. I hope that even if your marriage ends, that you can still have that too.

Kali GG

[fionasboots]

Well things seem to be getting worse by the day.

I did have a few texts with my wife yesterday that were okay and I had a brief conversation with her about a present for my sons birthday. She then text'ed to say I could come over but then when I phoned her she said no.

She also said no to be staying over tonight when I do need to go and pick up some clothes for a business trip to India for two weeks. I had hoped I could stay over and have the taxi for the airport pick me up.

She got very upset and said I couldn't stay at all. She even phoned my parents to say that I wasn't listening and could they make sure I understood I shouldn't stay.

Also I asked my wife if she had seen anyone and she said that the doctor had referred her to a Relate (marriage guidance) and she went yesterday. Apparently the woman she saw was in tears with her because she felt so sorry for my wife! I couldn't believe this!

So as things stand my wife, her parents, my parents, and now a counseller (who should be independant) are all against me.

Could anyone recommend any organisations which I could direct my wife to that would help her get to grips with the CDing thing, clearly the approach so far doesn't seem very sympathetic to me.

I am going to see the doctor today (my wife said I should and I'm happy to do that) and I'm going to ask if he knows of groups that could help.

This is spiralling out of control and, at the moment, there doesn't seem to be any hope of recovering anything from the situation, everyone seems to think that the end result is a foregone conclusion :(

[ArleneRaquel]

My heart goes out to you,at this time of such great emotional stress!Please be strong,there are many of us out here who wish you only the best!:love: from Katrina Maureen,you will always be in my thoughts!

[noname]

I'm really sorry to hear that things are not going well. I also hope things turn around soon. I am also sorry to hear that no one seems to be taking into consideration your feelings.

[Deborah_UK]

Fiona,

I have watched your threads with interest over the last few months, but have refrained from adding my two pennyworth because of the many positive and supportive responses. However you've now reached a point that I can really relate to - albeit it happened almost 25 years ago!

Unfortunately, in this life, you can't always get what you want. There are a lot of GGs out there who just cannot handle the idea of their husband/boyfriend crossdressing. My ex-wife reacted almost identically to the way your wife is reacting. She also told my parents - but not until a couple of days before we actually separated. My parents were shocked, and my dad cried. But they supported me - although it was "swept under the carpet" subsequently.

The worse thing that you can do right now is to go on that business trip to India. While you are away your wife's mind will focus on all the negativity, and if her parents back up the same message, I'm sorry Fiona, but I fear you'll be receiving the divorce petition on your return.

It would be wrong to pretend otherwise.

I desperately hope I'm wrong, and everyone's experiences differ, but everything does only point to one outcome. But whatever you do - don't promise her anything and everything (i.e. giving up/purging) because you know it just stores it up for the future.

I'm sorry this is a negative response - and probably not what you want to hear, but its a dose of reality I'm afraid.

[fionasboots]

Don't worry, your question is not too blunt. I do love my husband and care for him. It seems, though, that since all of this surfaced, that the love has changed from a romantic, sexual love to that of a deep friendship. I'm not angry at him (anymore...like I said, it


Do you still live in the same house or apart? If apart is there a great distance between where you both live or is it just around the corner?

How have the living arrangements affected your children?
How has this whole process affected your children.



took years), I want his happiness, I enjoy his company...I just have no sexual desire for him whatsoever, and it's been this way for over a year. If we were older, maybe I'd


I suppose that the harder you may try to find him sexually attractive the more difficult it may be to actually do that, I guess that you would be forever watching yourself for how you felt or reacted. I guess that just reinforces the lack of desire since to actually have a sexual relationship with him would be uncomfortable.



feel differently, but I'm 37 and I can't live without passion and intimacy in my life at this point in time.


Yes, that's perfectly understandable and sadly I suppose that leads you to the conclusion that divorce is the only option so that you can (both) at least then try and find what you feel you need with someone else.



You raise an interesting point...what attracts us to someone? Surely it must be more than sexual. I think you're right. And I have very little hope that I'll ever meet another man who can provide for me all the other wonderful things my husband always has, and who would care about me as much. That being said...I still can't get past the lack of sex in a marriage. Makes it more tragic, in a way, that we have a lot else going for us including feelings of love and caring.


I suppose the standard answer in all these cases is "sure, you'll find someone else" but that obviously doesn't help the both of you and may not turn out to be the case.

I'm sure the thoughts of "I won't find anyone else" encourage people to stay together and the opposite thoughts of "yes, I can easily find someone else" drive them apart.

I don't know the best way to go, that being the route you both need to take to be happy which is obviously the ultimate aim.

At the moment my wife just doesn't want to see me at all, I hope in time that we can at least arrive at something like the position that you and your husband are in where you can at least care for each other and recognise that there is still some love there even if there are still things that need to be sorted out.



Why, if I love him, can I not "rebuild" the intimacy/sex part? I wish I knew the answer to this, I would do it in a heartbeat. We've spent years in therpay and believe me, there's been a lot of talking, working, trying. It's just gone. In a lot of ways, sex is such a gut-level thing. I guess I'm hoping to find some answers on these boards.


Well I can only offer theories or ramblings gibberish myself but, like I say above, I think maybe the pressure of trying to rebuild the intimacy is in itself something that contributes to the lack of progress. Any sort of pressure for either your husband or yourself is going to make things harder.

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this cycle apart from taking things slowly and not trying to rush to the bedroom straight away. I guess there are things that give each of you pleasure and maybe just taking one thing at a time could help.

I really honestly don't know so excuse me if the above is just naive rambling.



On that note, I would like to ask you a very personal question...I certainly don't want to pry, but I think we are in a unique position to help each other see the other side of this.


That it true, I'm more than happy to talk about this, if it helps us and anyone else, so much the better.



Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life? Because I think if you do, and your wife is getting what she needs from you as a man in that capacity, then there is a lot of hope for your situation. In my situation, our sex life was always problematic, and when I found out about his CD, everything kind of "clicked." I was not getting what I needed sexually, and suddenly, I felt like I understood why.


I think the short answer would have to be "no". I don't feel I am very experienced sexually (late starter with getting a girlfriend and not many of them before my wife) and I can't say I have a great deal of confidence in myself in this area either.

Equally my wife seems to have the same lack of experience and certainly has never shown much inclination to be adventurous. She has also been very insecure in some respects, for example I made the typical guy request for her to wear some sexy underwear and she felt very embarrassed in it and, on occasion asked for the lights to be turned off.

Also a combination of circumstances led to us not having regular sex for a fairly significant amount of time. Mainly this was caused by the birth of our son (I completely understand that this would put any woman of sex for a while) but then it just seemed to be more insecurities on both sides and things just sort of settled into nothing happening because that was just "easier".



You see, my husband likes to be submissive in bed and "serve" me. I was looking for something different, i.e., a man to "take" me. That just runs totally counter to who he is. When I found out about the CD, I felt like the feminine side of him definitely carried over into our sex life and that was something I really couldn't come to terms with. That's what stopped me cold sexually, I think. He told me that his ultimate fantasy would be to have sex with me while dressed. I love the guy, he's a good father and there is a lot of goodwill here...but it ain't gonna happen.


I'm not sure about the sex while dressed thing for me, I certainly have thought about it and I've always thought that I would like it and maybe it might become something that I need to do to keep things exciting/different.

I can understand that this is probably not a turn-on for you as it's ultimately going to be like making love to a woman which is obviously not something you would want to do.

I'm not too sure about the whole submissive nature of this though, I think I may tend towards that idea in some respects but I don't think I would describe myself as "submissive" overall. This could be just because I don't fully understand all the implications.



I wish I knew how common/uncommon the desire to be submissive sexually is among CD. It makes sense that it would be pretty prevalent. If I may be so bold, I would be curious to know your thoughts on the matter.


I would guess, and this is just a pure guess, that it could be half/half since I suppose there are those that want to act like strong women and those that wish to be submissive. I can see why there may be higher numbers of submissive CDers though.

Have you talked to your husband about this and suggested that he be less submissive? I don't see that he should always be completely submissive and maybe he take the opposite role sometimes. I guess that you can come up with ways to vary how you approach this without having to stick to the same roles all the time.



One ray of hope I can give you is that depsite the lows we have hit (screaming at each other in a therapist's office--and out--and me saying horrible, hateful things) we really do seem to have a lot of consideration for each other underneath it all, and I think that will always be the case. Very important when there are kids to be raised, obviously. I hope that even if your marriage ends, that you can still have that too.

Kali GG

It is obviously VERY early days for us and I guess that everything I am describing you can relate to having probably been through it before.

I do hope that something can be salvaged from this mess, and like you say if we can at least recognise that we do care for each other then this will help us and our son.

However, as my previous posts have said, things are stacked against me and therefore "us" at the moment so I can't be that hopeful just yet.

[HaleyPink2000]

Been there, got the T shirt!0.02

PM me if you want to! I'll talk to ya on messanger yahoo if you need to chat.

[Raychel]

And the wives wonder why this is kept a secret from them. It is stories like this that makes everyone just stay in the closet. I am praying for a happy ending. Hopefully your wife will find the right counselor.

[Lilith Moon]

:rant:

As a minority group we still have a long way to go. The common theme with disclosures that do not go well is a reaction of hysteria as if what we do is, somehow, an activity that is extremely damaging or harmful...almost up there with murder.

We need to, somehow, get people to understand that what we do is, fer crissake, less harmful than having affairs, murdering old ladies, driving dangerously or even smoking cigarettes.

The basic fact is...we like to wear clothes traditionally worn by the opposite sex...so what ?

0.02

[DonnaT]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Never voluntarily move out.

Fiona,

It's still your house isn't it?

This living apart and her tring to work out things, NOT on her own, but instead with folks that appear to be against you JUST AIN'T WORKING!

And as you keep say, it's getting worse.

I suggest moving back in and and both of you start communicating with each other.

[fionasboots]

Once again, a huge thank you to all the help, advice and support you are all giving me. It does mean alot and is helping me to understand my wifes feelings and my own as well.

For everyone that has sent me a PM or offered to chat to me over Yahoo, and would also like to say a special thank you and to appologise for not having taken anyone up on these offers yet. Things have been really hectic with the business trip and I simply haven't had the opportunity or time to return PMs or start chatting.

I promise that, once I get settled into the hotel in India and have time to chat then I will. Again, many thanks for all that have offered to chat.

Deborah, regarding the trip to India; I agree that it's probably bad timing although with my wife wanting me out of the house anyway it's maybe an opportune moment to be away. Due to bad timing (my fault) and the fact that this trip is very important it's not something I can get out of easily. I'm also likely to be VERY busy so this may help me also.

I went over to the house tonight to pick pack for the trip, this was the first time I have seen my wife since the Sunday and I was VERY nervous.

It turned out that my wifes mother had also turned up which I thought may be a rather mean thing to do but it turns out that she may have simply been there to help my wife out. I don't have a problem with this.

It also meant that my son was there which was hard but at the same time it was really nice to see him and be able to give him a big hug and kiss.

I talked a little to my wife who was still very angry and tried to explain my history of CDing and why I hadn't told her anything before getting married. She was more angry than upset during this (I can understand) and she is adamant that she has now lost her husband (she isn't wearing any of her rings - I still wear mine).

When I started to pack it got too much for me and I broke down completely, I thought I was going to be calm and relatively together, I was totally wrong. Hearing my son playing downstairs and all sorts of other things made me cry uncontrollably, it really was too much.

I now just feel drained and tried and need to get to sleep ... shouldn't really be on the computer but haven't got anyone else to talk to at the moment.

My wife has said I can see my son at anytime and has agreed to let me see him on his birthday, which is when I return home from India. She has also, very grudingly, said I can be at his party on the Saturday. She has said I can't stay in the house at all.

She phoned some friends of ours and they have guessed something is wrong but don't know what. They will be at my sons party as well.

I'm hoping (in vain in all probabilty) that the two weeks apart will help my wife calm down and maybe I will be able to stay in the house. If I can't I really don't know what I'll do, I don't have many local friends who have space for me :(

I best go get some sleep, got to be up early.

Again, thank you all for everything you have said, I really do appreciate it ... I wish I could think of better words to say thank you :love:

[Janice Ashton]

There has been so many replies and offers of help and advise and you probably are still non the wiser as to the way forward (I've been there like many before) once you let the Genie out of the bottle all you can do is move forward as best you can until the rocky road levels out again, or, choose a new route, not easy, don't envy you, but Good luck and I hope it reaches a happy conclusion.
Louise

[Sarah Rabbit]

Our Hearts are with you Hun......Take care

:love: :love: :love:

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Sophia Rearen]

The last thing my wife said to me was that she didn't like liars. I think this was something I expected from what has been said to me before about coming out.

She is absolutely right, I have lied to her and hidden things from her I did try and say that I had wanted to tell her and that I was confused about this for a long time.



So sorry for your situation, Fiona. Not surprised though. I'd have to say that the crossdressing is probably secondary to her concerns. Afterall, it's only clothes. Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? If you answered no to these than the two of you will work it out. There is a childs life at stake here. It cannot be be compromised over clothes.
In the not to distant past I replied to your "Told a downright lie" thread; http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=482490#post482490 Isn't this first and foremost? I'd be willing to bet that it's the lying that is the root of the problem. It's being masked in her anger by your crossdressing. Most people lie, few crossdress. It's easy to attack the crossdressing.

[hotbobbie]

I am sorry to hear your problems. I know it means nothing that you are not alone with this. Donna Rose wrote a book called Wrapped in Blue. She went thru the very same thing you are now going thru. I don't mean for you to read it now but maybe at a latter day when things have calmed down a little it might be good for you to read. All of us do send our love to you and your wife and child.
Bobbie

[GG Vanya]

So sorry for your situation, Fiona. Not surprised though. I'd have to say that the crossdressing is probably secondary to her concerns. Afterall, it's only clothes. Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? If you answered no to these than the two of you will work it out. There is a childs life at stake here. It cannot be be compromised over clothes.
In the not to distant past I replied to your "Told a downright lie" thread; http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=482490#post482490 Isn't this first and foremost? I'd be willing to bet that it's the lying that is the root of the problem. It's being masked in her anger by your crossdressing. Most people lie, few crossdress. It's easy to attack the crossdressing.

I've held off on posting to this thread, perhaps out of respect for the sheer grief for all parties immediately involved....I truly do feel your pain, so much so that it's like my previous life flashing before me again.

I think Sophia has hit the nail squarely on the head. It's the build up of lies that took place, sizzling along the fuse, as it were, before the big explosion.

While I did not experience this with Trudi (again, I was told before we became intimate) I *have* experienced the eviscerating affect of learning that the man I was married to had been living the ultimate lie from the moment we started dating. (no not Trudi, and no not CDing).

When the awful truth hit me square in the face,(he did not confess btw) it was *not* the truth that hurt so much, as the LIES he had repeatedly told, even when confronted (by me) with what I suspected was the truth. The man even swore on our infant son's life! (you see there *are* many similarities)

The lies (in my opinion and experience) will be the most damaging thing for your wife, Fiona, and the most difficult to move beyond.

My marriage died that day, thankfully, instead of a slow and painful death. (My circumstances dictated that our marriage, unlike yours,could not be salvaged.) However, the painful scars did not fully heal, until the day, 23 years later, when he sat across the table from me,(he had requested a meeting with me as life ironically had placed me in the town he now lived~literally a thousand miles from "the scene of the crime".) he was 47 years old, looked 60, and said, without coercion: " I was WRONG to lie to you, I had no right to do what I did to you, and I have been paying the price ever since. Can you forgive me? " FINALLY it was *over*. Yes, the man wrecked my life and my very young dreams, but the lies were what I needed closure to, more than I ever realized.

I say that to suggest this: Perhaps the lies are what you need to seek forgiveness for FIRST. No, I do not suggest that you should seek forgiveness for being a crossdresser, simply that the lying must be dealt with first. My ex never mentioned forgiveness for what he lied about nor did I feel he needed forgiveness~ one needn't seek forgiveness for something beyond their control.

Other (private) conversations I have engaged in today prompted me to share this with you, and ultimately the entire board.

Yes, these memories are emotional for me, and it's not easy to 'gut myself' before everyone. I am at peace with this "other life" now, and the very fact that I can share it is proof, to ME, that I am a survivor.

My hope is that by sharing my history, I can help you, or any other members here, understand the devastating affect living a secret life can have on lives, loves, and marriages, of those who love only a part of you, the part you allow them to know.

Quickly hitting the Submit button before I change my mind....

Vanya

P.S. The fact that I survived all this, and 30 years later, am married to a Crossdresser who I not only accept, but absolutely ADORE should be testimony to the power of TRUTH, and INFORMED CONSENT.
It still amazes ME that I did not absolutely go into a comotose fetal position over all the "button pushing" aspects of marriage to a CD: the femininity, the intimacy (I'll keep this PG rated) while enfemme, etc. I attribute this to communication, LISTENING instead of waiting for a chance to talk, being HONEST, including honesty about those aspects that pushed buttons for me, Trudi's willingness to be HONEST with me, and the hundreds of hours we spent in the early days laying our souls bare to each other. The HONESTY is what allowed me to trust again, and the TRUST we have for each other, allowed me to love her unconditionally.

Edited to correct a miscalculation in age.

[bee399]

If I told my wife, she would have a green hemmorhage, s*** twice, and roll over dead. Not even remotely an option. I am, as ever, ensconced in der closet... and loving it !

[VtVicky]

Kali GG's posts regarding her husbands preference to be submissive sexually while she preferred someone to be more aggressive, prompts me to offer this suggestion to everyone dealing with problems with their SO's.

There is a theory of "miscommuniction" called the Arena Theory. Very briefly, it looks at the tendency for a couple to pick an arena in which to fight that is relatively safe. For example, if your wife is very sensitive about her parenting style, you fight about her cooking, her financial management, or her sex life. But never about the one thing that could really hurt her, even if that is really what needs to be discussed. Wives do the same thing by complaining about things that we are not particularly sensitive about, not necessarily what she is really upset about.

Why this is germain to this discussion is that it sounds like many of the experiences discussed on this net have crossdressing as the 'arena' in which to fight, rather than addressing the real underlying issue that is the problem in the relationship.

This is a good news/bad news thing. The good news is that each partner is trying to not "kill" the other, thereby suggesting some caring remaining in the relationship. And that CDing isn't the biggest problem. The bad news is that unless the real issues are discussed, resolutions are very unlikely to occur. And that CDing isnt the biggest problem.

Crossdressing is a great arena in which to fight and not accomplish anything. The CDer can plead genetic predisposition, and therefore no real fault or responsibility. And the SO can point to the society backing her position of disgust.

The CDer usually has more than enough pre-existing guilt for the SO to tap into, and the SO generally has sufficient insecurity that predates the relationship, that the CDing brings up old issues that are very frightening, and scares her out of effective arguing.

I have said it before, and I say it again. Psychotherapy is not for amateurs. You need to be very selective when choosing a therapist! Any psychotherapist that cries, (or prays), with you should be avoided like the plague.

Good luck.

[fionasboots]

Vanya, thank you for your post and for your honesty and openness. It sounded like what you wrote was very hard to get out and I'm glad you managed it. I'm also glad that you have found peace with what happened in your past and even better that you have found such happiness in your present and future.

Bee, yes, I think this thread illustrates what can go (horribly) wrong if you confront an SO with a truth that can wreck both of your lives. I certainly regret what has happened and I admit that I have wished that it didn't, that I could turn the clock back or promise to never CD again and other such things.

But, the right thing to do was to tell the truth. It's right in a completely logical sense and also it does feel right as well. Before I actually dropped the bombshell I posted here to say I felt that coming out with the truth would lift a weight from me, the CDing was the only one big secret I had and the thought of not having to keep this in anymore was quite uplifting.

Obviously I can't say I feel so certain anymore about the course of action I took (I *certainly*) didn't go about it the right way (see post by Kathy on this thread and loads of others on the one about "I told a downright lie" - sorry, haven't time to find link to this).

I do feel some relief though that things are now out in the open, it makes me feel a certain amount of freedom I guess, I certainly no longer have to worry about the secret itself since that no longer exists.

However, as people have said before, it is ultimately up to you how you handle your life the the choice of telling the truth or living in the closet is up to you and you alone. There isn't really a right and wrong when it comes down to it.

Vicky, thank you for that information regarding the arena theory, some of it certainly seems to ring true with my situation, my wife did mention other things that had bothered her about me as well last night. I had to stop and ask why we were talking about this, it was almost as if we just kept switching to different arguments.

Anyway, must go, flying to India soon!

Thank you all :love:

[Deborah_UK]

Fiona,

I hope your trip to India goes well, and that the time apart focuses your wife's mind on what she is losing.

From my own experiences, I fear, however, it will go the other way - especially as it would seem her mother is taking a hand in her daughter's worries.

If you ever need another UK girl's shoulder to cry on - just get in touch. I feel for you, and know what you are going through.

Take Care.

Debs

[susanalter]

I feel so bad for you! Maybe when you see the doctor you can express that you are the same person you have always been and get the doctor on your side. Though so far, he doesn't sound too sympathetic. Hopefully your wife hasn't told any of her friends who will be at the party. But with them pestering her to find out what is wrong and how can they help, they are sure to either find out or just assume the worst (like you cheated on her or something). I realize that this is a difficult time for your wife, but she doesn't seem very understanding at all. Though you know your wife better than all of us. It is not like you told her you are gay and no longer love her. Hopefully she will come to realize this. My thoughts are with you!

[Debbie GG]

I have been reading all the posts here and don't really know what I can add. Certainly I am sorry things are so bad. It does not bode well that your parents and your wife's parents are involved and apparently all against you. Is there any possibility that you and your wife could go somewhere away from them? From the sounds of it she may not agree. If she doesn't want to share a room, maybe you could get two. I don't know your financial situation and don't need to know. I do strongly feel that your best chance of healing your relationship is to get everyone else out of it.

I also agree that you should never move out - but that's water under the bridge now.

It is very confusing for the SO when you learn about cding. I had no experience in my life with cding before I found out my SO did it. At first I wondered about all kinds of things like was he gay or bisexual. Eventually I realized he is a "normal" heterosexual male who just likes to wear traditionally female clothing. How many women wear pants and unisex tops these days? It's really hard to tell which sex shoes are intended for and on and on. If your wife calms down and can be rational these things may help. For now, just try to be patient and loving. I think it is good advice to act like your "normal" self around your wife.

I hope things work out for you. If she won't even consider working things out, then you will have to go on without her. Most marriages have low points. If you both work to have a strong relationship this could be a turning point for the better. You probably could have handled telling her about your cding better but it was probably going to come out eventually. In my experience, the telling is the worst part. I hope that is true for you as well.

In closing let me say again that I think you need to spend some time together away from your families if possible. Once you have your relationship repaired you can work together on your parents. If your wife dosen't want to try you really can't make her.

Good luck,

Debbie GG :hugs:

[Scotty]

I talked a little to my wife who was still very angry and tried to explain my history of CDing and why I hadn't told her anything before getting married. She was more angry than upset during this (I can understand) and she is adamant that she has now lost her husband (she isn't wearing any of her rings - I still wear mine).


That paragraph of all you've written struck home with me.

First off, if she took off the ring she really does think it's over, doesn't she?
Women hold rings dear, as a promise etc.....

The part about turning the lights off in the bedroom, that kind of struck me as a huge red flag.

Can I make an assumption, please correct me if I"m wrong, but did her mom coddle her all the way through High School and protect her from the real world?

I mean nothing bad, I've seen actions like this before and it did seem to be a common denomenator, run to mom....?

Or I could be way off base and apolagize if I am!

[Jasmine Ellis]

I'm sorry to hear this, and I do hope theres a happy ending for the two of you

[lostmyhubby GG]

I have had tears in my eyes while reading this whole thread, the tears were from the thought of what if i had done this or acted this way toward my husband when he came out to me????? I did do the initial freak out thing, then the are you gay thing?,then the well then why to hell do ya do it thing, to just letting it go and loving him and her when he becomes her, it actually has opened so many doors for us, has broken through communication barriers we used to have and because i am finally accepting we are so much closer.
But i shudder at the thought of what i would have lost had i reacted the same way your wife is reacting, after all HE IS STILL THE MAN I MARRIED AND FELL IN LOVE WITH, only sometimes he is a better woman than a man!!!!!!!
I like so many others wish you luck and love throughout your ordeal, but it sounds like to me she is working her way up to working you our of her life for good......she is just not able to accept of comprehend any of it.....
And why bring in counselors??? i have never yet heard of any that have actually helped people..they are either against of all for......one of the other.
And as for a doctor....what do they do give ya some drugs that make you a MACHO MACHO MAN?? (village people song) why cant you be you, and why cant she love you for who you are....? i know you wonder that too but that is my hopes for you and your wife.

Best of luck to you, but do think down the road to the bigger picture, prepare yourself for the marriage splitting....if it does not in fact happen and i hope for you and your sons sake and your wife, at least you will have thought everything through.

Hugs
Lostmyhubby GG (Diane)

[sissy stacy]

(curtsey)

This is why i have always told GFs VERY early in the relationship about sissy stacy. i could go on with long stories of what happened and/or why i do/have done it, but most of that has already been covered here.

i have gotten some bad reactions, ranging from being called names, to yelling, swearing and even being slapped. i have also gotten good reactions, ranging from curiosity to enthusiasm. Some of the girls who reacted bad later approached me to say they at least gave me credit for being up front or honest early on.

i have always had a rule to let them know abut sissy stacy no later than the 3rd date after we got intimate. i have always stuck to it. It hurt when the girl rejected me because of sissy stacy, but i was sure the hurt would be worse for everyone if the girl found out about sissy stacy (however she found out) after the relationship was going along. Judging from what i have read on this and other threads like it, my hunch is a good one.

(curtsey)

--sissy s.

[janey]

I should feel lucky. When I told my wife she laughed and smiled and said "is that all?" Later she added "don't do it around me" and that was the end of it.
She knows, and just doesn't want to talk about it.

[fionasboots]

That paragraph of all you've written struck home with me.

First off, if she took off the ring she really does think it's over, doesn't she?


Well there has been the odd argument before where she has tried to throw the ring at me but that usually didn't last long and I think she was doing it more for the effect and to release some of her anger at the time

I think this only happened once or twice and everything was smoothed over and it wasn't such a big deal.

Now she has taken all her rings off and has not said a thing about it and even tried to hide the fact by covering her hand. This certainly seems alot more than simply getting annoyed and letting off steam, I would agree it's more like a signal that it's the end of the marriage as far as she is concerned.

As an aside, I did use to feel VERY guilty about dressing when I had a brief moment alone and my wife wasn't around and I use to feel that I should remove my ring as if wearing it would taint it in some way.

Then I kind of decided that I should keep it on as it meant that I was married and that this was as much part of me as CDing.



Women hold rings dear, as a promise etc.....


I am still wearing my ring and will not likely take it off ... I suppose that may be practical as well as sentimental as I haven't mentioned my current problems to anyone at work or friends etc.



The part about turning the lights off in the bedroom, that kind of struck me as a huge red flag.


Well in fairness, as I've kind of said before, we never had much of a sex life before (I would say that neither of us cared about this but I think we both did in our own ways but never talked much about it) and my wife has always seemed a bit uncomfortable about things before, though I don't blame her for this, I can hardly say I'm some magnificent sex god so it probably boils down to insecurities on both sides.

Actually I suppose some of my insecurities may be down to CDing - I've often worried that I need to be dressed to enjoy sex and feel sexy and turned-on. Or put another way I have thought about being dressed as something to spice things up.

My wife has said that she is just not interested in this and is completely turned off by the idea, while this is obviously not catastrophic I'm sure some of you are thinking that this could be a problem going forwards even if everything else is sorted out.



Can I make an assumption, please correct me if I"m wrong, but did her mom coddle her all the way through High School and protect her from the real world?


Actually you are wrong.

No, her parents are pretty down to earth and my wife spent plenty of time travelling the world and working as a nanny all over the place and certainly experienced alot more of the real world than I probably did - it's only now that I've got the real travel bug.

I think that her confidence did take some serious hits at various points in her life and she has always said that these have contributed to her insecurities now.

She has also said that I talk down to her and she also had a phase of feeling that she wasn't good enough for me and that all my friends wouldn't like her because she didn't go to university but they did.

This phase seems to have passed now and we will openly joke with each other about how silly some of my seemingly intelligent friends are.

I'm quite prepared to believe that, while I've not tried to put her down or be patronising, that I may have done this indirectly by talking about work and techie things and stuff like that. It may also be that I have not given her enough attention and wrongly assumed that she was fine with this and getting on with life when it was really making her feel down.



I mean nothing bad, I've seen actions like this before and it did seem to be a common denomenator, run to mom....?

Or I could be way off base and apolagize if I am!

I think in this case you are wrong but I can understand why you would arrive at this idea so I'm not offended by the suggestion in the slightest.

I think the reason she ran to her Mum was that she felt she had to tell someone but felt there was no-one she could tell because there wasn't any friend that she could count on as being that close and also that the people she does know are from work and she was afraid of what they may think/say/do.

Ironically she seems to be acting in a fairly strong and secure manner and had kept busy sorting things out in the house and was also much more together when I went over to pack for India, it was me that dissolved into floods of tears. This is not to say she's not got upset but she does seem to be trying to deal with this in some way. On the other hand this show of strength may just be part of her anger towards me.

I think really she is a very strong and together person but maybe she doesn't let herself be like that normally and maybe the way I am makes her suppress this side of herself. She has said before that I go on and on about things and she'll often let me do what I want otherwise I just keep going on about it.

The more I write the more I think I'm arguing that my wife would probably be a better and happier person without me, it sounds like the way I am just isn't what she needs in a husband so that she can feel herself and be happy.

I guess the CDing and our obvious difference of opinion and desires in this respect just amplify the other problems and differences.

I'm not trying to be hard on myself here or give up on my marriage but, when it comes down to it, maybe coming out could (after alot of pain and suffering) be the best thing for both of us as it will allow us to be who we really are - just maybe not together as a couple.

On the other hand being apart at the moment may be causing both myself and I guess my wife also to think along these lines and we may simply be trying to think of reasons to take the "easy" route out and split up.

I don't really know what the right answer is here :(

[fionasboots]

I should feel lucky. When I told my wife she laughed and smiled and said "is that all?" Later she added "don't do it around me" and that was the end of it.
She knows, and just doesn't want to talk about it.

I guess that probably is luckier than me although I would probably say that you maybe do still need to talk about it and not just avoid the subject completely.

It's obviously fine if your wife doesn't want to participate with your CDing but I think being able to talk a little about it just to make sure she is okay with it and that she understands that you really love her and care for her would be a good idea.

Advice I have been getting here has included suggestions that you do need to talk to your wife and tell her that you love her and that she is the most important thing to you and not give her any reason to doubt that the "other woman" is just a part of you and not something your wife needs to be jealous or insecure about.

Sorry, I'm probably just saying what wiser and more eloquent people have said before

[Scotty]

Wow, I do wish you the best of luck, and again apolagize if my assumptions were off base....

Maybe she does feel she's lost a "Husband", but then maybe she'll think back to all the husband stuff you did for her, it can't be easy for sure....

[fionasboots]

(curtsey)

This is why i have always told GFs VERY early in the relationship about sissy stacy. i could go on with long stories of what happened and/or why i do/have done it, but most of that has already been covered here.

--sissy s.

I would agree 100% that you should be upfront about this with any relationship you start this is both practical (avoids alot of pain and hurt on all sides) and obviously the right thing to do in terms of honesty with a partner and with yourself.

"Don't be ashamed" was what I was told to remember about coming out and if you're not ashamed then why hide it from someone you wish to have a relationship.

The problem is, I didn't really know what I was doing at the time I met my wife, I didn't have a forum like this, I thought it had been all a phase I was going through and that I had stopped while dating my wife and therefore would never have the urge again. I probably wouldn't have had the courage to come out even then so I may still have ended up in this situation.

So yes, anyone reading this the advice is to be up front as soon as you can in a relationship, the affect of leaving it so long is devastating.

[fionasboots]

Wow, I do wish you the best of luck, and again apolagize if my assumptions were off base....


That's no problem, no need to apologise, I don't get offended easily and take whatever advice, ideas, suggestions people have given in the spirit in which it was intended, i.e. to be helpful.



Maybe she does feel she's lost a "Husband", but then maybe she'll think back to all the husband stuff you did for her, it can't be easy for sure....

No, this isn't easy and while I'm coping now (well, "avoiding" is probably a better description) I do get the odd thing that brings it all back like when I'm talking to the colleagues out here as if nothing has happened and I mention something my son did or what we all did as a family or I tell them how good my wife is etc.

[Tiana]

good luck for the future, try and talk once things calm down but focus on the love you both have for one another and if anything can get you through this love will. all my love and support at this time Tiana x

[fionasboots]

As ever I must say a big, big thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread to give advice and support and also to those who and e-mailed/PM/IM - it really had helped me (and also my wife, indirectly) to have people to 'talk' to.

So where am I now?

Well, I'm in India still, fly back next Thursday morning if the UK airports will be accepting flights by then (what with all the security and chaos) so I *should* get home by Thursday evening. I can't wait.

I feel terrible here, alot of this has to do with the ridiculously long hours, lack of sleep (early start/late finish) and the erm, 'interesting' affects of the food. Overall, I'm not having fun ... it feels like a punishment for all the hurt that is going on back home ... I probably deserve it too.

I spoke to my wife twice yesterday, first time she was in tears and said her Dad was very upset and had been feeling ill anyway and this wasn't helping (she didn't mean this to be a nasty thing to say she was just explaining that her parents are having a hard time coping with this).

Also my son is a bit clingy and my wife is having to stay with him in his bedroom until he goes to sleep. He knows something is wrong and it's obviously upsetting him.

My wife said that she didn't think she could cope with me being away all the time (I have had to travel alot) and knowing what I would be doing while away, she said it would knaw away at her.

She also said that she thought my CDing would get "worse", she wasn't too clear on this but seemed to think that I would be wanting to dress around the house, around her and I suppose (though she didn't say), around our son. I tried to reassure her that this would NOT be the case.

So after that conversation I felt pretty low. The only good thing is that she said I should take the Friday off (after I fly back) so that we could talk.

I got back into the hotel at around midnight and my wife phoned me again. This time she sounded alot more together and she asked if I could phone her Dad as he wanted to talk to me, just talk, nothing else since he was having a hard time understanding this.

My wife also told me that she has lost her wedding ring :( She threw it down on the floor in anger and she thinks our son may have picked it up or something.

I told her this was all my fault and that I didn't want everyone to be so hurt by this ... I broke down in tears on the phone, it was too much to take :(

She was very calm and told me not to cry and even made a few jokes about things. She also said I deserved to be feeling ill at the moment, serves me right she said, but it was not said with malice.

I can't remember much else that was said (it was late, I was tired, ill and upset) but my wife sounded quite strong, practical and caring. I felt better that she could be like this.

I cried for a while after putting the phone down. It really is too much to take, it shouldn't hurt so many people so much it just isn't fair - and yes, I know that is not a very good argument, life isn't meant to be "fair" it just is.

At that moment I was ready to just burn everything and do anything I could to stop CDing and make everything right again. That was really how desperatly unhappy I felt. I may have disagreed with my wife and maybe we aren't 100% right for each other and I would probably admit to times when I've thought that we should maybe split up, I'm sure she's thought the same over the years.

I know I have also thought in the past that, if I wasn't married to my wife I could happily carry on CDing and wouldn't have to worry. This thought has crossed my mind before and I bet other CDers have thought and even acted on the very same feelings.

Unless you are completely selfish than take it from me, the prospect of really losing someone that you love and all of the happiness and memories that you have had together is, when it hits you as a reality, the most heart-breaking and overwhelming thing there is. Like people say, you don't realise what you have until it is not there.

All I can do now is muddle through the next few days as best I can and look forward to getting back safely (hopefully) and as quickly as possible to the UK.

I hope during this time my wife can stay strong, calm, and open to talking about us without getting too upset and distraught. I hope I can manage a degree of the same also.

I am also still hoping that, on my return I will be able to be back home - I don't think I'd be able to go anywhere else when I get back as I will just be exhausted. Also it sounds like my wife and I need to be there, together, for our son. He is upset that his Mum isn't happy and he will be missing me, and we need to spend some time with him to make him feel happy and special and more secure.

I'm sorry if all that I am writing is so depressing, please ignore my posts if this is the case, simply writing them is a little help to me, I hope they may be some help to others but understand if they're not. This is my personal experience and I sincerely hope that no-one else has to go through this.

Love to all :love:

[Sandra]

Take the day off as she has suggested, both of you need this talk be honest with her and listen to what she has to say.

[fionasboots]

Take the day off as she has suggested, both of you need this talk be honest with her and listen to what she has to say.

Yes, I have e-mailed my manager to book that day and the whole of the following week off. Have also explained that my wife and I are having problems with our marriage, obviously I've not said what/why.

My manager is fairly understanding and is also aware that the travelling I have been doing hasn't gone down too well.

On a slightly more positive note I have revealed my troubles and the cause of them to another friend who I've know for years. He was a little surprised but not really shocked ... also made the same comment that I've always been a bit "girly", e.g. gossip, not innto macho stuff.

My wife also knows that I have told this friend what is going on and why. I explained that I needed a friend to talk to, her immediate response was that she also needed a friend but had no one :(

I'm actually chatting over IM with him now and he's asking a few questions about what I do and such. Very open and no problems with it at all. I would guess most of my friends will be like that, it isn't a big deal to them I suppose.

[Sophia Rearen]

Fiona,
The problem the patient takes to the psychologist is never the problem. I still believe that it's not all about the dressing.

[Clare]

See my comments below...

I know I have also thought in the past that, if I wasn't married to my wife I could happily carry on CDing and wouldn't have to worry. This thought has crossed my mind before and I bet other CDers have thought and even acted on the very same feelings. I dunno,after my relationship ended, I could dress all I wanted, but it was an empty feeling.

Unless you are completely selfish than take it from me, the prospect of really losing someone that you love and all of the happiness and memories that you have had together is, when it hits you as a reality, the most heart-breaking and overwhelming thing there is. Like people say, you don't realise what you have until it is not there. I know from personal experience that it is just too true Fiona!...

[Debbie GG]

I have been away for a few days and didn't have internet access. Just caught up on reading this thread. It sounds much more encouraging than when I left. Just remember there was a reason (or reasons) you got married. Whatever they were, that hasn't changed. Good luck!

Debbie GG

[Dragster]

Tomorrow's Thursday Fiona, I wish you all the luck in the world. Whatever you do, keep talking to your wife. From what I've read, you obviously still love one another dearly, and that's the platform you need to build on.
I'm going through a similar scenario (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37222 ). It is not so traumatic for us, but many of the emotions we are experiencing are the same for you and your wife. I'll keep you all here informed of my progress (we started almost 20 years ago, and I reopened the dialogue in April 2005, when I bought "My Husband Betty" for us both to read), and I'll follow yours. If either of us find the magic formula for acceptance, we can share it! You never know, we may meet sometime, Preston's not too far from Knutsford, where we live. But I think it may be dangerous to let our wives meet just yet, they may gang up on us, unless they just find it therapeutic to share experiences. I'm not sure mine is yet ready to talk to ANYONE else (even in the anonymity of the 'net) about my CDing, and that may be why she's finding it very difficult, and why progress is so slow. We still love one another and want to be with one another for the rest of our lives, so there's our foundation for the future. The rest, we still have to work out.

Good luck tomorrow, I'm sure you'll find a way. I've heard of so many now who've started with what seem like "draconian" restrictions on their dressing, which have relaxed as time goes on, and wives have realised that there really is nothing to worry about. Hope you find the same.

Tony

[stephanie B]

I couldn't agree more with what Marla says, I have been there more than once. It really is a shock to hear that your partner likes to wear skirts but I came to terms with it to the point where I actually approve, support and enjoy him dressing.

As said before, take it slowly, the last thing she will want right now is pressure, tell her that you love her and your son and that you are still the same person that she fell in love with. I really hope you can work it out.

good luck !

Love,

Stephanie