psychology and mental health

[nibel]

Hi girls, how are you doing?

Maybe some of you still remember me, I used to do some posts a few months ago... anyway, I'm coming back after a little break from x-dress. I had many important stuff that needed my attention so I was kinda able to ignore the x-dressing for sometime.

But now that most trivial problems are gone the old x-dress issue comes to table. I've learnt that it is quite common in a xdresser life many cyclic phases with rejection, purge, urge, buying... etc, that was not exactly my case since I didn't throw out my stuff (I guess sometimes we are indeed able to learn something) and wasn't exactly a voluntary stop. But then again I am not "cured" either because I'm starting to feel that need again.

With that said, what I am actually looking for is some kind of guidance... I don't know if I need therapy or something like that, but I just feel the need to find my "north", since I've very disoriented in many ways. I want to go deep into this issue so I can find if I have some kind of GID, or whatever people can call it. I wish I could talk to someone that is "pro" on the subject so I can learn what's going on.

I know many of you will say that the "label" is not important, but to me actually is... not the label of other people, but I want to be able to read my label... If you think about physics is just like an electron that doens't know which way is the lowest potential... lol... maybe I've gone too far in my analogy, but the engineers/physics out there will understand me.

I'm way too far from the rejection phase, now I just need to understand what's going on...

PS.: Besides this psychological thing, I'm quite frustrated that I don't have the money to buy or the place to hide some new stuff... lol

[trannie T]

The best rule of thumb is that if you think you could benefit from therapy give it a try.

[nibel]

The best rule of thumb is that if you think you could benefit from therapy give it a try.

Yeah, I know this is the quite obvious response, but I want a little more than that... like some personal experiences and etc. I do not feel very good entering in the first consultory I see and saying to a complete stranger what goes through my mind, specially embarassing stuff like the case of x-dress.
If it happen to exist, some kind of "anonymous therapy" would be a must... well, actually is somewhat what I'm trying to do here.

[Michelle Ellis]

Sounds a lot like me... I've been so lost all year, after the holidays (05) I hit a major depression over who I was, where I was going, what this feminine side of me meant. I started taking more chances, buying more stuff for Michelle... and then I came here. I didn't expect to go off exploring myself, it was just something else I could do to further my feminine urges. It didn't take long before I realised exploring myself was exactly what I was doing, and what I desperately needed to save my sanity, to save my life.

I've got so much to learn yet, but I think I have found a better direction than the one I'd been traveling.

M

[tekla west]

If you are anywhere near a major city the local LGBT group will have a list of professionals that are open and accepting.

or try

http://www.thegaytherapist.com

[nibel]

What I find quite amusing is that there aren't many people willing to talk about these personality issues... seems like most of the posts here are really about girly talk and all the confusion and despair of the psyche are just ignored. A pool of types of panties get hundreads of responses, but serious topics doens't draw that kind of attention, I feel a bit frustrated about that.

[noname]

A pool of types of panties get hundreads of responses, but serious topics doens't draw that kind of attention, I feel a bit frustrated about that

I hear you.

[loki_uk]

I know the feeling, but it's hard to be too serious, if you've kept this secret for long enough it would be all too easy to just pour your heart out in one long stream of consiousness and that would bore everyone rigid when you're used to just thinking things through in your mind without worrying about annoying people

[Michelle Ellis]

Well I dunno, I think you'll find some people like that here, you've already found one :o It's safe to say I've never had an identity crises before, but this year has been a war inside my mind for me... not going to go off on a tangent (which I have before) and bear my soul at the moment, but I feel I'm over the hump now. If you'd like to talk privately feel free to PM me.

If what you say about guidance is really what you want, perhaps therapy would be good for you, all I'm qualified to do is gab :p

Otherwise, give your post time, I'm sure you'll find plenty of people willing to talk :)

M

[Frances1]

Common Girl, I am not sure what your problem is. Give us some more info on your problem. Not vague statements. What do you want to do? What are your fears? What are your restrictions? etc. Tell us and we will give you an opinion. Your public profile does not help. - Reminds me, I better check mine for substance. Perhaps I should add BULLY! I am so ashamed. Sorry girl. Just my masculine side comming out.

Frances:love:

[nibel]

Common Girl, I am not sure what your problem is. Give us some more info on your problem. Not vague statements. What do you want to do? What are your fears? What are your restrictions? etc. Tell us and we will give you an opinion. Your public profile does not help. - Reminds me, I better check mine for substance. Perhaps I should add BULLY! I am so ashamed. Sorry girl. Just my masculine side comming out.

Frances:love:

Actually I haven't stated explicity my problem yet, mainly because I was just seeking for overall guidelines... like someone said, I don't want anyone to [bore to death] with my history, but in fact i need people who are willing to open the subject to debate.

The overall feeling I get from this forum is that people doesn't want to talk about it too deeply, like if it was scratching an old scar, and rather talk about details... Maybe you will take this as a compliment, but this forum is way too "womanish", and by that I mean superficial.

In this way, I don't know if I fit into a crossdresser role, transgender role, or whatever role you may call... I just need to find out where I can get these answers... where did you all get your own answers? have you ever asked yourself someday? that's the advice I wanted to hear from the first place...

I'm sorry if I'm being too harsh, it's way too hard to express myself in this situation, and my mother tongue isn't english so that doesn't help me either.

[Bobbie Lee]

Hi nible;
I am not sure what you want. I will tell you a little about my experience in my journey trying to find Bobbie. I am one of the most macho guys you will ever meet, I am a Harley Davidson riding Texas cop. I am 53 years old right now and been hiding my femme side since i was about 10 years old. My wife and I meet in the mid 70s and I never told her about my other self. I lied to everyone including myself about my feelings. About 2 to 3 years ago it had finally built up in me where I was about to just say good bye to everyone and everything, just to try and go off and find my true self, even if it meant leaving everything I had ever known for something I was not sure of. My anger, depression and guilt had gotten so bad I did not know where to turn. Those around me could see it but did not know what to do since I would not open up to anyone, even the ones I loved the most.

I started looking on the Internet and found some sites, like this one. I found that I was not alone, in fact there were a lot more like me and in similar situations. I made a few friends who could understand what I was going through. They all could sense I was on the edge of going crazy. All of them urged me to seek help. I said no way, because I was a macho guy and could not bring myself to seek help from a stranger, let alone talk to one about my "problem". One day it hit me really hard, I finally just did it and called a therapist I had found online who dealt with gender issues. I called her and she made me feel comfortable right off the bat. On the first visit I cried a lot but when I came out of there I felt like I could finally face myself and accept who I was.

Within a few months I told my wife about Bobbie and we are working things out now. I think we are closer now than we have ever been and she is even helping me with make up, clothes and is always there when I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on. She is still working on accepting and finding a place for my femme side, it is not easy on her but she is trying so hard.

So if I had any advice for you it would be to seek a therapist who deals with gender issues. Don't be ashamed like I was, your whole life is out there and asking for help can save you a lot of time and grief. Hope this is kinda what you were looking for and it helps.

Bobbie

[noname]

If it makes you feel better, I don't know what role I fit into as well. Started just a couple of months ago. Never try to look like a women, just real real tired of guys clothes, never change, same ol colors, and cuts. So where that puts me I'm really not too certain.

[Frances1]

Nibel, as I haven't explored this ladies group in depth I cannot comment on its relevance to in depth debate but my impression is that it is done to death.

It seems to me that if you want to be a girl and your not then the closest that we can get to it is to dress up as one and try to imagine we are a girl. Or as most of us do and the real ggs do, accept that that we are mature women (albeit girls).

My advice is to do what you feel makes you feel feminine. As a past Aussi Vietnam vet I would like to be totally transformed to a women.

I would like to be a Mother/grandmother with all the female traits that disregard the realities of war /politcal/past activities/coal face situtions. I just wanna be a girl!

You Too? :love:

[nibel]

Hi girls! I'm sorry if I somehow overreacted, part of it is because of the language barrier, but other part is really overreaction. :P:

I'm going through a crisis right now, so I was desperately looking for answers... and I appreciate all your thoughts... I identify myself with bobbie's history, at least in concept... used to be a martial artist (fighter), I'm strong and have a major intelect (to my country standards)... I'm usually proud to solve everything with science and logic... but that world had shattered by the x-dressing. I can't use logic and science to explain that behavior, or even it doesn't fit my looks at all, but I can't help but liking it (CD).

So I'm here trying to borrow some wisdom from the people who already have been there... I want to be able to merge my both selfs without that much of a conflict. I will follow bobbie's advice and try to find a professional help, i guess it's the only thing left to do.

[swiss_susan]

Nibel,

I find for me it helps to look at it this way. Not everything needs to be explained. For me I simply accept the fact that I enjoy crossdressing. I suppose I have wondered why, but in the end does it really matter, well not to me anyway.

Simply knowing that there are so many others out there many be of help, knowing you are not alone in this.

If that is something that still bothers you then perhaps speaking to someone professional could be helpful. Though bear in mind though they are total strangers there is always the doctor/patient relationship which require confidentiality.

If you do go this route I would suggest that you be upfont and honest with them otherwise it makes it impossible for them to really help.

I hope you find some peace of mind,

Susan

[Marla S]

I want to be able to merge my both selfs without that much of a conflict. I will follow bobbie's advice and try to find a professional help, i guess it's the only thing left to do.

First of, I think there are no "both selfs", but different aspects of only one self - CDing has nothing to do with beeing schizophrenic.
CDing is not a mental illness, but the expression of an aspect of your personality that usually is not socially accepted.
One may become mentally ill due to the actual or imaginary rejection by the society - this rejection is the real cause of all the doubts, guilt and shame feelings.
As we grew up in our society and assimilate their standards, this rejection is a integral part of ourself too (i.e. as you can read from the phrase: "My both selfs").
So what's fighting each other is our inborn self and the learnd (and therefor artificial) social standards.
Or, to speak in more physical terms. There is a system made out of an object (the TG (electron ;))) and the constrains (the socially accepted standards; the quantum well ;)). You can't change the object but you can change the constrains. Ok, you can't really change the constrains by the society, but that is less important anyway, you have to change the assimilated social standards within yourself.
I think I partly achieved this with the result that I "emitted" a considerable amount of doubts, shame and guilt feelings. I don't know if I reached the ground state yet, but I am closer to it now.

So, my advice would be to clearly separate the object (your own self) from the constrains (learned social standards) and than change the constraints within your mind - I am positive then that the experiment of being a TG will work out fine.
If you want to visit a therapist the question is not if CDing can be cured (you can't be cured from yourself) but how to learn to deal with the rejections due to social standards (that's something that can be changed).

[VtVicky]

As a retired shrink, I would caution you to be selective in choosing a therapist. Make sure the one you choose, (and don't be shy about interviewing several before committing to one.), understands that there is more to crossdressing than Gender Identity Disorder. Just being accepting of CDing isn't enough. Many very open minded therapists don't have a clue about the difference between a lingerie fetishist and a transexual. (And make sure you know the difference!)

The posts on this net come from a wide variety of people dealing with their own situations as best as they can given the information and resources that they have. Many excellent posts will have little relevance to your situation, but can give insight to how others are dealing with their own variation on CDing. But, and this is a big "but", it is their situation and variation, not your's necessarily.

The internet is a Godsend for us all in many ways. When most of us were younger we had only ourselves to turn to in this struggle. Now the world is literally at our fingertips.

The information flow is a little like trying to take a drink of water from a fire hydrant. Be careful. Don't get blown away by the pressure. And only take small sips at a time.

Good luck.

Oh! By the way. As a current ESL teacher, I think your English is excellent. At least the written part. But as you read our posts, remember to take into consideration the country of origin of the writers. Often what will work in one culture will not in another.

VtVicky

[Charleen]

Hi Nibel, Where to begin? I think everyone of us on this site can relate.I will speak for myself though. For about 40 years it was always WTF is going on/the matter with me. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't stop wearing womans clothes, and got a huge thrill out of doing it, yet "society" said I was mentally ill, perverted, gay, or just plain deviant. The guilt, shame, hiding, purging, denial, all follows. As I got older, I found out that I wasn't alone as apparantly there were alot of cross dressers, but that didn't help as I was still listening to "society". When I found this web site it was a breath of fresh air!. I had already decided I was going to start letting my femme start to blossom by shaving, dressing , ect. . Then I got here and did it open my eyes about our whole CD culture! Not only did I learn that I was not only not alone in all aspects, but for the first time I found out that "society is wrong, there is nothing wrong with me. I also found out there are a wide spectrum of us in all degrees from panties every few months up to living en femme 24/7, and everything in between. I am learning about me every day, and know I have a long road of discovery ahead which I am looking forward to. As of now, I am Lily about 80% of the time now. When I stopped denying that I have this female component and gave in to what I was feeling inside, and started to express that which I had denied and tried to keep stuffed inside all those years, the freedom I felt was extraordinary. It is not just the outward appearance, which does happen to be very femme, but also my mental attitude as well. Most of my negative emotions have subsided. Anger, depression, self hate, shame, guilt, all going away. We all have our own journey to self discovery including the unwashed masses. For me, it was the acceptance that I had to rear femme clothes and there was nothing I could do to stop, and believe me I tried! I have some wonderfully serious posts on this subject, and those have been instrumental in my journey. Yes, there are alot of superficial threads, but I look at them as fun, as I can't be serious all the time, so yeah, I'll say what I'm wearing, or the joys of shopping or what have you. Take the road you feel you must take to become , as I'ved said before, to "get comfortable in your own skin". We will all be here for you along the way. Love and xxxx, Lily:hugs:

[Casey Morgan]

Hi nibel. I haven't started therapy yet (my first session is tomorrow) but maybe my experiences will be helpful. I believe I have GID. It's so hard to tell just from reading on the internet when the experts don't quite seem to agree on just what that is. I've known for years that I'm not a fully a man and I'm not fully a woman. That sounds like GID to me, but without having spoken to an expert I don't know if I'm overthinking things and downplaying my feelings or if I'm just confused about those feelings in the first place. I know that doesn't make sense. It doesn't really make sense to me either. Right now I'm asking myself a question from a Country song (I can't think of the title): do I really feel the way I feel?

So I was referred to someone who deals with GID (by someone who I thought also did but doesn't.) He asked me to tell him a little about why I wanted to see someone. I'm not sure I did such a good job of telling him what's going on but I think I unintentionally gave him a very good idea of just how confused I am right now.

Right now I need someone who understands these things to just listen to what I'm saying and see if any of it makes sense. I need someone to ask me the questions I don't know enough to ask myself yet. From there, who knows? I guess it depends on what his questions are and what my answers are. But you know, just knowing that someone will be able to help me figure all this out is helping a lot.

At some point it isn't enough to just have a list of answers. I need to know if those answers mean anything to ME. And that's what a therapist can help me with.

From my experiences with therapists/counselors/whatever (and I've had more than any one person should have to have, in my opinion) they don't expect you to tell them everything at the beginning. They don't expect you to have all the answers to their questions. They don't expect you to have all the questions. They know that you will have to get to trust them.

Any time you want to share deeper experiences, just post. I'll reply if I feel comfortable.

[rickie121x]

Hi Nibel, Where to begin? I think everyone of us on this site can relate.I will speak for myself though......as I'ved said before, to "get comfortable in your own skin". We will all be here for you along the way. Love and xxxx, Lily:hugs: Hi Lily:
Thank you for real wealth of information. I appreaciate what you have said very much - we all have been though so much! Sometimes I see pics of a late teenager or person in their early twenties who is a crossdresser - and I just swoon with envy at the years of our special pleasures. ...with the titillation of being in public and being so passable! Oh how I would like to wipe away the last fifty years of "character" lines that time has installed on my face!

And you have so much to say - would you mind dividing it in smaller paragraphs? The giant spread of writing is hard for me even to start reading. Really I don't mean it as a criticism. It just would be easier for me to read.....

Hugs, Rickie

[Charleen]

Sorry Rickie, I get these thoughts going and I am a one finger typer so I just keep typing to try to get everything out in b&w. I am not usually that long winded, but, it is a serious subject and one close to my bra. Love and xxxx, Lily

[Jessica Brekke]

Clear and firm rules are a bit hard to come by when looking at matters of the self, but if you look around this site, I think that you'll find most of us have similar stories... discovering the thrill of clothing at a young age, followed by years of guilt, shame and fear that we were somehow wrong to feel the way we do. Repressing our feelings, swearing off the clothes, until we realized that the urge was stronger than we'd thought. The feeling of rightness when we eventually do dress again. Eventually, after years of pain and struggle, most of us seem to accept it as a part of ourselves, and even come to appreciate at least some aspects of it.

I guess what I'm saying is, while CDing might not come with an instruction manual (though, actually there are many... but mostly regarding how to look better ::heehee::), there definitely are patterns.

Interestingly, I think Marla S. hit it on the head best when she spoke of social standards being the major block to coming to terms with this. Luckily, those standards are changing. I'm 40... I've noticed that a lot of the older girls here and elsewhere have told me how lucky I am to be coming out this young, and that they could've never imagined doing it when they were my age. On the other hand, I know younger girls that are telling me they can't believe it took them until 22 or 23 to come out. I think that's due to a general relaxing of gender-lines, at least in American society.

Finally, a good therapist might help you sort out your confusion. But make sure it's a good one, ideally with experience in cross-dressing and gender issues.

[Bonnie D]

I've crossdressed since I was about 11. I've had concerns about my gender and sexuality and dealt with them on my own most of my life. I have determined that I am gender indentity dysphoric, probably meaning bi-gender, and I am bisexual. I've denied it and accepted it to varying degrees but in the long run I've given in to societal expectations. I got married and had two children and have maintained an outward manly and fatherly image and have kept everything secret. However, I do live a "double" life. This is very stressful although I've learned to live with it. I have recently told my doctor so that he can watch for signs of stress. Stress can have a very negative effect on the mind and body. This and a couple of other sites I belong to help relieve the stress in one way but add to it another. I now have others who I can relate to, talk to and read about whether they are serious subjects or not. How many people can you talk to about what style and colour of panties you like to wear? Whether or not you care is not the point but the fact that you can is. What adds to my stress is that this openess with everyone here urges me to drag myself out of the closet. I will do it but when is the question I now face. Hurting my family by revealing my true self is not going to be easy. I will have to leave, which also will not be easy.

Well I can't say much more right now.

Bonnie

[elizabeth nicole]

I agree 100% with VtVicky find a good shrink by interviewing them.I have an ex who is a shrink here in the DFW area and her idea of crossdressers are drag queens that dont know they are gay. That is from someone who deals with the gay community all the time.Myself I got very lucky in that i found one by accident I was seeing him for depression right after the Iraq war started . Being a retired af pilot i was gaving problems and he got that one solved by telling me it was not my war. Your war was years ago let the young men fight it. Then he proceded to ask me what the other problem i had was,when i told him he then stated that he would get me with the local group of doctors he knew.From there my life turned around I now know i am a non operative TS. My choice but at least i Know why i have felt this way all my life.But please dont just go to the first one you find in the book, interview several they will amaze you as to how stupid they can be themselves. Good luck0.02

[NewbieCD]

What I find quite amusing is that there aren't many people willing to talk about these personality issues... seems like most of the posts here are really about girly talk and all the confusion and despair of the psyche are just ignored. A pool of types of panties get hundreads of responses, but serious topics doens't draw that kind of attention, I feel a bit frustrated about that.
Amen to that i feel the same way and yes it is frustrating.

[tekla west]

What I find quite amusing is that there aren't many people willing to talk about these personality issues
>>>> Personally speaking, I find nothing the least bit amusing about any of that.

... seems like most of the posts here are really about girly talk
>>>>> I think that is a good thing, I belive that is what most people come here for. Or for "guy talk" on the other board. This is not a mental health site per say.

and all the confusion and despair of the psyche are just ignored
>>>> Which is why there is a Depression/Mental Health Group with over 140 Threads and 1,200 posts. Its is separate from this forum. It is also private, meaning YOU have to make the effort to get into it. There are good reasons for this. Many people do not want to air their dirty laundry in public, they do not want anyone and everyone who passes by here to read that stuff about them. Second, a lot of us don't want to read it either. We have either passed through that, or never had to face it, either way, there are people here who are not interested it in. They drop by for tips, for humor, for a little relaxation not some heavy deep stuff.

And - this is CRITICAL - we are not trained for it. Its the job of a professional. Where I might exchange a bit of gossip about some rock star or band, I'm not going to give a detailed account of how to rig a sound system, that would be wrong - such information in the hands of someone who did not have the training and skill sets would be dangerous with that information. Likewise its wrong for any amateur to just blather out advice about such a problem. And no professional would do it in this manner either.

A pool of types of panties get hundreds of responses
>>> not exactly, and if it does it takes weeks, or months to garner that many posts.

but serious topics doesn't draw that kind of attention, I feel a bit frustrated about that
>> Well, like I said, there is a special place for that, and I disagree they do, but they are far more specific then your posts were. You post a few times, then drop out of sight, and expect instant results, that tends not to happen. And there is a lot of serious stuff in here, but I imagine most of that goes on in private posts between a couple of people to each other.

I googled "crossdressing depression" and got 67 thousand hits. "Transgender depression" got over a million. Did you try any of those? They seem to be set up for this sort of thing. I'm sure that somewhere in those 1,067,000 sites is the information you are looking for.

I suggested that you contact a LGBT center near you for help, and for a list of people who they are in touch with and can recommend? Did you do that? Did you check the link for the NYC person who deals with this on the net?

[Michelle Ellis]

Amen to that i feel the same way and yes it is frustrating.

I think it's just the nature of the beast... when I see a serious post about someone going thru a rough time I read the post and often times wont reply, not becuase I have no concern (far from it) but because I don't want to trivialise the situation by adding a meaningless post, or offering a meaningless suggestion just for the sake of being part of the conversation. If I feel I have something to add, like I can really relate or have actually been there before, then I do. And almost always, in these cases, I like to send a PM just to say hi, or hang in there or 'something'.

Now if we are talking about sexy or practical panties, well, everyone has something to say about that... it's all in fun, and not intended to distract from serious issues.

M

[nibel]

Thanks for everybody that posted your comments... I am still taking some time into reading them and trying to trace a parallel between what you said and what I'm living...

Anyway, I want to say thanks to all the pm's I'm receiving, I will focus myself into answering that ones first so I won't be posting here for some time... there's a lot of things going on "back stage". And now I really think talking about these things privately is the best.

So, if any of you want to keep this subject alive just drop me a pm... It is always nice to see all kinds of life stories and together we can help each other. At least thats what I think this is all about.

Nibel

[ToyGirl]

What I find quite amusing is that there aren't many people willing to talk about these personality issues... seems like most of the posts here are really about girly talk and all the confusion and despair of the psyche are just ignored. A pool of types of panties get hundreads of responses, but serious topics doens't draw that kind of attention, I feel a bit frustrated about that.

Honestly i come here because of the generally uplifting atmosphere , posts by people who are happy , and some that a new and excited. Ive haunted a few dedicated TS support sites and came away from them down right depressed and angry. With 99% posts being problems with religion , divorce , hate crimes , non acceptance , medical problems. I no longer go to those places.

I am not exactly sure of your question , so i cannot give you a personal answer. Though i would suggest reading on the internet as much as you can about all aspects of gender issues and seeing what you can relate to the most. Also don't be afraid if you don't clearly fit in anybox and please don't conform to fit in one. Atleast in my area the pysch's only reflected the information i give them and only told me what i allready knew. Though it's allways nice to have a non judgemental ear to talk to.

[Teresa Amina]

the pysch's only reflected the information i give them and only told me what i allready knew.

This is the whole problem with looking for answers from "professionals". It helps that I have an introspective personality but I think finding this site and reading others experiences and feelings has been a temendous help for me and can be for you also. I'm much more aware of what this all "means" to me now and how deep it goes. Self awareness can really only come from within.