Nearly Zero Just for Today

[Stephanie Brooks]

I was about to respond to the thread, "What item of clothing MUST you wear?" My response would have been, "I must wear NOTHING." I just recently responded to Julie M's thread, "Scrooge is gone!" and realized my attitude is decidedly poor.

Today I feel as though I'm nearly zero.

Now before going into why things appear particularly grim, I'll shine a bit of light on the objective side of life.

Work is fine. I've been doing some things that should keep me gainfully employeed for some time; the successes have been recognized by my management, and they're real.

I'm helping a buddy, "Ice", a teaching assistant who is going for her Masters. She's leading 4 students on a senior engineering project, and I've been able to be a technical liason between some gurus here and her team. She's a bright lady, and will do very well in life. I just gave them much info today.

I'm a "team leader" on my daugher's academic after-school activity. It's neat seeing a bunch of kids learn how to do things on their own with no more than a bit of guidance from me and my co-leader.

On Sunday night I attend an astronomy club meeting that should have a very interesting presentation on cosmic dust. The brain hungers for the stimulation!

I could list many other good things, and really couldn't list anything terribly bad, except for one.

I feel as if I'm nearly zero.

My purge began on September 12. I'm still trying to resolve what seems to be an irreconcilable conflict betwen my wife and I regarding my crossdressing.

I saw the recent thread about resolving to never purge again. In my case, the purge serves a logical purpose.


I could no longer wear the clothes.
The presence of the clothes was a painful reminder that I couldn't wear them.
I threw them away.


The good news is that this purge is forcing me to resolve this issue. The bad news is that I feel like garbage when - for all objective reasons - I should feel reasonably good.

|-(

This will pass. (And someday I'll pass again.) For today, I'm just hanging around zero.

[DonnaT]

Did you catch my post at:http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=47126#post47126

I don't know how other SO's will take the information, but it sure helped with mine. Sometimes, however, wives just don't want to hear it.

Why you are feeling ZERO (maybe):


Depending on the degree of control and (presumably) the intensity of the individual condition it can be suppressed for a time. The longer-term result can be nervous breakdown, alcoholism or drug dependency, and sometimes violence.

[Stephanie Brooks]

HI Donna!

I saw the original post, but I didn't originally go to the links. I've given my wife things to read in the past and they mean absolutely nothing to her. In her view, Stephanie doesn't exist. Stephanie's just this thing, some filthy piece of trash that gets in the way of her life.

Even now, facing divorce after 20 years, she doesn't give a damn about that part of me. She'd rather lose me than accept me.

It's fine. I can't help being whom I am. I will be this person with or without her.

But you're right on the long term result. I don't want that, and I can see those kinds of things along the path I've been following. It's time to correct that path.

[Sharon]

Stephanie,
My heart's with you and I hope everything works out for the best. Just keep hanging in there and keep fighting for what you want and need.

Love,
Sharon

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hugs Stephanie! I can't imagine what you're going through.......or perhaps I should say I can only imagine. You deserve to be able to express the whole you--that's my belief. I hope that as this chapter of your life closes the next one will open this area for you and that you find someone who accepts the whole you:)

hugs
kew

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks Sharon! I'm fortunate in many ways. When I get low like this, I'm still functional, at least for the important things.

Thanks Kew! In counseling I'm learning more things about myself and have the resolve to fix things within the next year. As far as deserving to be whole, intellectually I agree; I've just never had any reason to believe I deserve that.

On finding someone who accepts the whole me, my fear is I'll mess up again and therefore have no desire to be with anyone else ever. Yet, there's this tiny glimmer of hope that I could find someone with whom I could be affectionate, someone whom I love and can give love, and who isn't repulsed by me.

*HUGS*

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks Allison! Your words of support are enough! Being here with people who can understand definitely helps. Yesterday was lousy, today will probably be better (ever the optimist).

Hope your work day goes well!

*HUGS*

[Wendy me]

stephanie......dear listen to me nearly zero???????????what the fuc_??????????????
your work is good......your daugher is part of you that makes you something specieal ...your bright....funny.......and you touch so manny people here you just don't know.....you will come to terms with this when things are right you will know when....
wright this down and stick it every where you are and read it often (you can fix the spelling)

you are a good and worthwile person, you are worth the effiort, you do make a diffrence , you matter, don't ever let anyone tell or make you feel that you don't count
you are not a zero.....you a million to me
huge huggs to you girlfreind

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thank you Wendy!

I will save and read those reminders. :) It helps. I'm hopeful that someday my life may be such that I'm doing more than just surviving from one day to the next.

*HUGS*

[Wendy me]

sister i, we all care and love you veary mutch

[Stephanie Brooks]

Jenny,

You're spot on. She only wants half the package and she's being selfish.

Btw, I know you well enough that you wouldn't do or say something with the purpose to offend me, regardless of how different your ideas may possibly be. Different is good and healthy!

*HUGS*

[JoannaDees]

You cannot allow another person to define your self worth, Stephanie. Nor can she. That's it.

[Marlene4a]

Stephanie:

They say that dark is before the dawn.
I was where you are now, about 14 years ago in my quest to figure the CDing thing out ( as we math people try to do) and came up with nothing.

However, once I accepted the normality of the CDing, then I explained it to my wife.
Since then, freedom.
We are all different as you know. You will prevail, but it must start with you.

I hope this helps in some way my friend.

There is a lot of good advice here Stephanie given by your sisters, and given out of love. Most or all have been where you are now.

Love

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Joanna!

Thanks! You're right of course, and am working to fix it now.

Hi Marlene!

Thanks! Yes, all of these thoughts help. I'll get through this.

As suggested by the title of the thread, the really bad state of mind did pass. In the past, the mathematical logic would keep me going (i.e. logically things are mostly fine, even though I feel lousy). This time I had the additional support from all of you here.

*HUGGLES*

Love,

Stephanie

[Chrissycd]

Of all the things I read today, this struck me hardest. I think we all understand the fear that others will not accept us, but it's sad to think someone like Steph is afraid of being repulsive. "You are beautiful no matter what they say. Words won't bring you down" You may think I'm nuts, but you need a girl power boost, hon. Go buy the Christina Aguilera "Stripped" cd. It isn't the simple minded, crass pop you might expect. Listen to the lyrics. That girl knows what's up. Repulsive? Screw that! You're a prize!
Chrissy

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks Chrissy!!!!

Actually I'm about to go to Tower (CDs, Videos, Books) in a few minutes as it's lunch time. (I work Saturdays, shifted schedule. Makes it so we can raise our daughter w/o outside child care.) I actually liked Christina in her music video on the Mulan DVD. My purpose in going to Tower today was to get a different CD ("angry" music, which *is* calming), but I'll take your recommendation and get her CD too.

Fwiw, I've always been the blacksheep, Chrissy. It was that way growing up, it's been that way in my marriage, and - until recently - it's been that way in the workplace. The workplace is now corrected, I think. They seem to actually like the work I'm doing. I can't do much about how I was raised, except maintain some safe and healthy distance. My marriage I'm actively working to resolve.

That's a kind way of going around the view that I'm repulsive. Thank you for saying otherwise. I'd really like to be able to believe it someday. In my response to Kew, I said, "Yet, there's this tiny glimmer of hope that I could find someone with whom I could be affectionate, someone whom I love and can give love, and who isn't repulsed by me." I reread it yesterday, and realized that I can't even say I have the hope that I'd ever find someone whom I love who actually loves me.

Anyway, will close this for now and get myself to Tower. Thanks for the support Chrissy!!!

*HUGGLES*

[SilkenPrincess]

Hi Stephanie!
I would like to respond to your "zeroness", but before I do I'd like to say that you will always hold a special place in my heart for two reasons. 1. You were the first person to respond to me when I came on as a new member recently and I was hurting. 2. Years ago I chose for myself the name "Stephanie", should I ever have the good fortune of being able to pursue my "real self". It is indeed an interesting coincidence that the first one to address my hurt in a non-judgmental way would share the same name!
I truly understand the feelings you are going through and the feelings that your wife has as well. My purge began in October of 1991. Now honestly I must confess that I have "slipped" 6 or 8 times in the past 14 years, but I have not dressed now for about 3 years. Is it easy? Of course not! If it were, I would never have been to this site. But it is just as much "not easy" for my wife, (and yours). I don't know your reasons for your purge, but as for me there are a large number of reasons, some logical, some emotional. Logically, my wife and I have 3 sons, and they needed a daddy. Additionally, I must honor my commitment to support my wife and sons. Emotionally, I needed my wife and sons. My wife is the closest friend, maybe the only friend I've ever had. My "dysfunction" has affected my ability to relate to everybody else in my past, including my family. I erred in not sharing my true self with her before we married, but I had hoped that marriage would "cure" me, so it wouldn't be an issue. Big mistake! After several years, I told her about me. She tried to help me. She got me counsellors to talk to. They advised her to accept my dressing for a while. She would help me shop for things, help me with my makeup, and we'd go for a drive occasionally while I was dressed. I would dress 3 or 4 times a week. After a couple of years, she realized she couldn't handle it permanently and asked me to decide which way I wanted to go. I told her, "I'm a woman, and I have to be who I am." She then started to pull away from me emotionally, moving towards divorce. It became very obvious to me that if things continued in that direction, financial ruin would ensue, both for me and her and my sons. I deemed this unfair to them since I had left her in the dark about my true self before we married. So, I decided to end the dressing. As all of you can attest to, deep, dark, depression soon ensued. This depression almost ended our marriage, but we have struggled on for 14 years now. Emotionally, she would be better off without me, but medical conditions prevent her from supporting herself, and I can't afford the one household, much less two. My sons are for the most part grown now, but my wife is still financially dependent on me, and I couldn't handle the guilt of letting her down. So, unless something drastic changes my finances positively, I'm commited to being her husband and provider, although it doesn't really "fit" who I am. Since accepting the inevitable, I have also realized that dressing as a woman doesn't really satisfy my intense desire to express my real self. To do such would require full transitioning, which as I've already said, isn't possible in my current position. That realization makes dressing drab a little easier to deal with. (Read --> a little). The depression is not as intense as it once was and I am doing the best I can where I am. I would counsel you that if you a woman, you don't need to dress as one. That I'm sure sounds heretical in this present forum, but it is the truth. However, I must define "need" in this instance. "Need" is anything required for the continuation of life, not neccesarily comfort. Granted, I would feel much more comfortable in a feminine lifestyle, but I can continue to live as a male. It's not always dark, there are some light spots occasionally. And I can be an example to my sons. I wish you the very best in your exploration of who you are and your relation to those with whom you share life. You are a beautiful person to me, Stephanie!
Love,
SilkenPrincess

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi SilkenPrincess!!!!!

Thank you! I cannot respond quickly to this one. There's much here to consider, and I must ponder it for awhile. I did want to acknowledge that I've read it and am thinking about it. We have similarities and differences, and I really want to understand them before responding.

*HUGS*

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi SilkenPrincess!

I can empathize with your situation as we've many similarities. We also have some differences. You can find details in some of my other posts.

I'll summarize my situation.

I told my wife about my crossdressing long before we were engaged. Neither of us knew what this meant at that time. We've now been married for 20 years.

In times when I've needed to stand for her to family and friends, I've done so. She has not.

I've stood for her in times when she was in poor health.

During our marriage, she has promised me she'd work to integrate this part of me into our marriage. In all cases, she's failed to meet those promises. In most cases, she's failed to even attempt to meet those promises.

During our marriage, she has systemmatically worked to eliminate this part of me. I have complied such that now there's not much of "me" remaining, male or female.

Now we have a child, a wonderful daughter, 6 years old. As she becomes more aware, "Stephanie" is removed from our home.

This female side of me is a part of me, and it is a good part. From it comes good things that helped me survive my youth. It has also helped me become a better adult. Creativity is related to it, even if I don't understand how or why. The logic fails me. Yet, this is who and what I am.

With this female part of me eliminated, there's not much left of me. I cannot and will not live this way.

I am now working to resolve this. Either we'll remain married and Stephanie will become a part of our family, or we'll divorce. The former is unlikely; the latter is more likely.

To do nothing means that I will come to outwardly hate and resent my wife, and that will be apparent to our daughter. The home environment will be unhealthy at best.

At present, divorce means another household and a rearrangement of finances. I'm committed to ensuring my daughter has what she needs. I will not work to hurt my wife, whether financially or emotionally. We'll manage the finances somehow. We'll also manage the raising of our daughter so that she knows she still has both a mama and papa who love her absolutely, even if we can't always be together.

I need to be able to live as a whole person. Yes I've committed to my wife, and now have the additional responsibility to my daughter. However, my wife committed to me too. The marriage has become one sided.

I don't know how much I need to dress. I don't know how much I need to transition. I think I'm probably transsexual, but mostly I'm not much of anything at the moment. I know I need to be a little more than zero.

I have always loved my wife absolutely. She only hates that filthy part of me.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Chrissy!

"Soar" is my favorite track so far. Thank you for the recommendation! ;)

[Chrissycd]

to make you feel good on that cd. I'm so glad that you like it. It's so nice to have music to soothe one's spirit.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks Jenny!

I'll resolve it. Being able to communicate with the people in this place helps. I've especially appreciated your friendship and support.

*HUGS*

[SilkenPrincess]

Believe me Stephanie, I understand completely. And you're NOT filthy!
Love
SilkenPrincess

[SilkenPrincess]

Neither am I, Jenny!

[SilkenPrincess]

It has occurred to me that some may think I don't belong here in that I have not been dressing for quite some time. To those I would respond, "Isn't a woman in male garb crossdressing?" I am quite sure of my identity even though those that share my life don't agree with me. I will stay with those that I am commited to even at the expense of not dressing as I choose. If that sounds wishy-washey to some, oh well. Life is more than what I want, it is also that which I commit to. You could say that I made my bed, now I'm lying in it. Not fulfilled, mind you, but honest.
Love
SilkenPrincess

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi SilkenPrincess!

If this place fits you, then you belong here. If there was a requirement for recent crossdressing, then I'd need to leave also. I'm glad you're here!!!!!

Oh, to both SilkenPrincess and Jenny, I took a bath last year, and I'm thinking of doing it again next year! :eek: