Newbie and want to understand pls help

[minnieme]

Hello,

Pls bare with me if u think my story is too long. Over a year ago I discovered a video of my boyfriend of 11yrs and father to my now 2 yr old child. THe video was him in my very sexy lingerie. he was basically getting off in the video. I was shocked and very angry. Three yrs previous I discovered he had slept with a prostitute. And two yrs previous he used my credit card without my permission to buy porn on the internet. At the time I left him I didnt want to try and understand it from him. We attended coucilling but he said that he tried it and didn't like it. He blamed me saying that I didn't give him enough sex. I didn't want to listen. Over the past year I ve been desperately blaming myself and realised that it's not what he did but the fact that he lied and I always wonder what he is doing behind my back for sexual pleasure.

The thing is, I know that he is still doing it with his current girlfriend only to a higher degree, he is taking pics and probably doing it every nite.

I just cannot understand why he lied in couselling if this was something that he really wanted to do and wanted me to accept.

Do you think he is a crossdresser and would have done it anyway regardless of how active our sex life was????

BTW I know he doesn't wear underwear under his clothes or anything.

I am desperate for your feedback

[DonnaT]

sounds like a case of Transvestic Fetishism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transvestic_fetishism

If such is the case, then the sexual activity (or lack thereof) would not have changed his apparent fetishistic activity.

Crossdressing is generaly a separate need than sex. So, if he is a crossdresser, then yes, he would have dressed no matter how active the sex.

If he is no longer your boyfriend, why does his apparent fetish bother you so much?

[Karren H]

Well the cheating and stealing have little to do with being a crossdresser. Sounds like your typical creep to me!! But a patern of lieing does exist for CDs that don't want anyone to know what they do. I'd say he has more of a sexual feitsh thingy with womens lingerie which can lead to more and more crossdressing over time.


And if he's off onto a new girlfriend why should you care? If he left you with a couple kids don't get mad, get even!!


Threatening to out him to his friends and family.... That could get his attention if that's what you want. Lol. Still have the movie?

Love Karren

[Caitlintgsd]

Don't accept the blame for the previous situation. It's not your fault. Especially if he's continuing the lying in his present relationship. It's unfortunate that you still have ties to him by him being the father of your child. Hopefully he's paying support. Other than that he sounds like a painful type of person to be around. I don't think that "outing" him to his friends or family would do you any good. He could just turn into more of a problem for you. I don't think that it really matters if he is a tranvestite or a crossdresser. Personally I think that the only thing that would be toward a positive step with that individual would be to minimize any contact excepting what he's entitled to in seeing his child. Just my 0.02 worth.

[Melissa A.]

He lied because he was afraid. That's why people lie, unless they are compulsive about it. He might be a crossdresser, or might have a just have a fetish about certain types of women's clothing. Which is also cding, if he's wearing them, actually. Either way, I would bet he's been doing it for a while and would have regardless of the state of your sexual/emotional relationship. Anyway, he stole. He lied. And he watched porn alone when he should've been wathchin' it with you! I'm not gonna throw alot of stones, lots of us have done things we are not proud of at one time or another. But you are exes now. I would concentrate on making sure my child is happy and healthy, making sure he helps you financially in that department, and finding someone new, when you are ready. I hope you can.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Wendy me]

And if he's off onto a new girlfriend why should you care? If he left you with a couple kids don't get mad, get even!!


Threatening to out him to his friends and family.... That could get his attention if that's what you want. Lol. Still have the movie?

Love Karren



bad idear not good even if he has a new girlfreind .... your bouth parents to the kids ... any extra bad feeling could only be bad or hard on the kids... talk to him yes .... threaten to out him no ...if you want him in your kids lives getting along is better than you two fighting.......

[GG Vanya]

Hello,

Pls bare with me if u think my story is too long. Over a year ago I discovered a video of my boyfriend of 11yrs and father to my now 2 yr old child. THe video was him in my very sexy lingerie. he was basically getting off in the video. I was shocked and very angry. Three yrs previous I discovered he had slept with a prostitute. And two yrs previous he used my credit card without my permission to buy porn on the internet. At the time I left him I didnt want to try and understand it from him. We attended coucilling but he said that he tried it and didn't like it. He blamed me saying that I didn't give him enough sex. I didn't want to listen. Over the past year I ve been desperately blaming myself and realised that it's not what he did but the fact that he lied and I always wonder what he is doing behind my back for sexual pleasure.

The thing is, I know that he is still doing it with his current girlfriend only to a higher degree, he is taking pics and probably doing it every nite.

I just cannot understand why he lied in couselling if this was something that he really wanted to do and wanted me to accept.

Do you think he is a crossdresser and would have done it anyway regardless of how active our sex life was????

BTW I know he doesn't wear underwear under his clothes or anything.

I am desperate for your feedback


Minnie,

It's very clear to me why you still "care" about this situation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems you're still trying to resolve guilt issues that he had no right to lay at your door.

Lack of sex is NOT an excuse for lying, cheating, and theft. The fact that he even attempted to blame you shows how shallow the man is.

Do not take ownership of his problems, they are HIS, he owns them.

If this man has a proclivity to crossdress, he would have, and will continue to, conduct himself in that manner (crossdressing) regardless of whether you had sex with him 3 times a day, or 3 times a year.

Read through the archives here. You will find a common theme with those CD's who are not "out" to their Significant Others. The urge or need to crossdress is not "curable" and many closeted CD's continue with the dishonesty and deceit until, for some, it results in the loss of their marriage, their careers and families. My observation has been that for many, the "risky business" is a large part of the allure for them.

It is one thing to fear that telling you about crossdressing would result in alienation, but quite another that he stole from you, and used YOUR funds to engage in a sexual liason with a prostitute. For me that would be unconscionable and unforgiveable. Were I you, I'd consider myself fortunate to be rid of him, before the losses you occur become more than just financial~i.e. loss of health via STD's.

Now lady, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head high,and start putting one foot in front of the other. The only shame you should feel is if you learned nothing from this.

[Julie York]

You were lied to. It wasn't your fault.

[Wenda]

:hugs: This is not complex, Minnie, dressing is NOT an excuse for theft, dishonsesty nor promiscuity. Do your child and yourself a favour. Get an unlisted number, move if you can, and never talk to this piece of crap again. :hugs:

[Michelle Ellis]

You seem like an awful forgiving girl to have put up with all that. If you know he's with someone else why torture yourself, call it a learning experience and move on. You don't always get as good as you give... you should tho.

M

[dann]

I'd venture to say he suffers from sexual addiction.Underneath the sexual addiction there may actually be a crossdresser. But for now it is wrapped up in his complusive sexual behaviour.The only way he'll get to the bottom of it is through counseling and probably a support group.
As I've posted here before, I've suffered from sexual addiction (porn addiction) most of my life and have been following twelve steps to help me deal with it...AND lots of counseling. DO NOT blame yourself. With the behaviour you are describing, there is no way you or anyone else could ever satisfy his sexual needs becuase it is a hollow addiction.He needs to get some help or it will continue to destroy his life.He'd benefit from being involved in an SAA group, that is, if he can admit to himself that he's sexually out of control.
I'd also suggest a book that could help you out called Out Of The Shadows. By Patrick Carnes.

The fact that he does things sexually that he hides from those he should be most intimate with, is the first clue that he has a problem that is out of his control and feels is too hurtful to withstand the light of day.He hides it and lies about it becuase he's ashamed of it, yet it doesn't stop him from continuing to do it.And when confronted on it, he builds up his wall and turns the problem on others by making them (yourself) feel they are to blame for not meeting his needs.

This is all ofcourse, my opinion.But it's based on real life experience.

I must reiterate, i do not consider cross dressing a sexual addiction.It is a matter of identity. But it took me alot of work to figure out that it was a seperate issue from sexual addiction.
He may find that after getting help with his addiction, cross dressing is not really a part of his identity.Or he may find that it is part of his identity and can learn to accept it and love it.


Hope this helps.
dann

PS if you heed any of this and would like to discuss it further feel free to PM me.

[kathy gg]

Vanya said it best.

It is a shame that you happened to pick a jerk who happened to be a crossdresser.

I would not worry about what he is doing behind this new girls back.

I would only make sure that child support payments are being made.

Sex or lack there of is not the problem. Sounds like he is into all forms of different sexual release. Prostitues, porn, crossdressing....this is just probably one of many different *new thrills*. Guys like this usually wind up either in jail {getting busted picking up hookers} or poor (due to flushing their money away on pornography and strip clubs).

You were given a great gift....his absense from your love-life.

As Vanya said the only mistake here is if you dont' learn from this one.

The sea is full of fish who don't do stuff that this dude has done.

[tekla west]

You can get a lot of bad stuff from professional sex workers, but busted tends not to be amoung the top five. If it was it would not be the oldest profession. As for porno, HE BOUGHT IT???????? God, what did we invent the internet for if not for free porno and nuclear calculations (an even worse form of pornography really)?

Not all CDs are like this, but men spend as much on Porn every year as women spend on cosmetics. So figure the odds.

Your lucky to be rid of him. Get on with it.

[noname]

Here is my 2 cents among what will probably be a slew of replys.

I don't believe his other activities relate to cross dressing. However, in regards to your lingerie, I have a few ideas. While I don't wear that sort of thing, I'm guessing for him it may have been more along the lines of trying to "find himself" if you will. Let's face it, what type of lingerie is there for men that makes them feel sexy and good about who they are that isn't trashy? The answer is that there isn't.


I just cannot understand why he lied in couselling if this was something that he really wanted to do and wanted me to accept.

Realistically, a man who wears anything other than his prescribed clothes is subject to being ridiculed and in many cases his girlfriend or wife will leave him.

I would like ask, do you have an current involvement with him? Are you looking to get back together, or you just have a curiosity about crossdressing. I do recommend you not bring this to the attention of his girlfriend though. Mostly likely it will eventually come out.

[Dana]

was a jerk, a creep! Forget him! You're better off without him. It sound like he had a lot of issues, that you could have never satisfied nor resolved with him.

[minnieme]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your replies.

I should make u aware that his current girlfriend is fully aware that he likes to have sex and wear womens lingerie. He has told me she will do anything for him sex wise.

When he slept with the prostitute I feel that's when our sex life took a real nose dive, I just couldn't get it out of my head, but it was more to do with the lying. He said it only happened once but the fact is how do I know that. He maybe right in that I didn't give him enough sex, our sex life was average before he slept with the prostitute. we also had a very very good sex life for the 1st 4/5 yrs of our relationship.

I do not think that his dressing will go any further than the bedroom and is just part of sexual play.

I spent 11yrs with this man. I love him deeply, some of you may say why, he is a liar. But the fact is I do blame myself because he is now with a girl 14yrs his junior and she is obviously doing and living any fantasy he wants which makes me sad and me feel that I could have had a more sexually active life with him had he just told me that he wanted to spice up our sex life. Whilst I was pregnant our sex life was very good(hormones) but this video was made 6 weeks after the birth of our child which is why I cannot understand why he is blaming me.

I am desperatley trying to get on with my life but I have to stop blaming myself first. Cause if I don't it will only kill the next relatonship I go into. I am going for couselling shortly.

Thank u so much. You are so kind. If any of u want to PM me pls do. BTW I'm from Ireland so "Slan Leat"(Goodbye)