Where you want to be

[Georgette]

How do you feel as to where you want to be with your life, and accomplishments. Not trying to be nosy but, just courious.

[Nikki A.]

The only time you reach your goals are when they are shoveling earth on you. Otherwise I'm still trying to get to my destination.

[Sharon]

Still working on it, and when I get there I'll aim a little higher.

[Rachel Ann]

"Not really getting to where I want"

Over the hill, on disability, in poor health with a bleak future, will probably never be able to work or enjoy luxuries again. May never be able to forgive myself for ending up like this.

BUT discovering Rachel and bringing her out is the first ray of sunshine in my life in YEARS - I haven't felt excited about anything like this since I can remember!

:( :) (trying to do the old comedy/tragedy logo)

[KewTnCurvy GG]

May never be able to forgive myself for ending up like this.


Wow, I hope you do!! You can't blame yourself for this! I believe you can contribute to those around you in meaningful ways and find purpose and peace in your life in spite of your disability.

hugs
kew

oh, and I choose that I'm further than I thought I would be and that I'm still working on getting to where I want to be. :)

hugs again
kew

[Rachel Ann]

Thanks, Kew. I just have huge shame issues around having supported myself and my family all my life and now being unable to exist without external help.

I know it doesn't make sense but since when are feelings rational? Once stbx is out of my life at least I won't have her reinforcing this negative on a daily basis.

On the bright side, having grown up in the "if it feels good, do it" era, I was able to try all sorts of things enroute to finding out what I prefer. And not a shred of guilt attached.

So I guess you could call me Ms. "Guilt? What's that? Shame? *tries to disappear*"

Love

[Georgette]

Racheal Thanks for the honest and forthright answer, I thank God every day that I still have my health, although I am a cancer survivor and I am thankful for that.
Love & hugs
Georgette
I also am a lot further than I ever thought that I would be.

[Wendy me]

still working on it..............doing ok retired now for 4 years did not plan on dads heath problems to cost so mutch.......oh well, i would have done a little more to have a lot more but probly would be dead.......now some leget investments should work out in a couple of years .can't complane things oky

[Sandra H]

Where in live am I? Hopefully near the end, I do not feel like I have anything left to live for.

It just seems to be taking for ever for death to come. I hope I don’t need to help it on.

[Sharon]

Sandra,
You can't just post this and then not elaborate! Where are you coming from? What are you feeling?
I don't recall seeing any previous posts from you concerning depression or thoughts of dying. Has something happened?
Talk to us Sandra, don't let these thoughts ferment in your brain without reaching out to someone.
PM me. e-mail me, IM me -- or anyone you may know -- just know in your heart that there are people who care.
Love,
Sharon

[Amelie]

Where in live am I? Hopefully near the end, I do not feel like I have anything left to live for.

It just seems to be taking for ever for death to come. I hope I don’t need to help it on.

I keep reading your post Sandra, trying to think of someting encouraging to say. I"m having a hard time coming up with the words. On one hand I feel the same as you, on the other hand it would also be wrong. I know how you feel, I feel the same, at life's end. Also I Know depression does not have to show in a progressive manner, it can sneak right up on you. Sandra, you must talk to someone close to you, family, friend, doctor, you should try to talk it out, don't stay all alone.
Try to focus on something good in your life. Find something in your life that has even a little bit of good. Something you have done, a family member, or anything that has brought you joy. Let that moment in life be in your thoughts.
This next piece might sound harsh. If you have any family members, they will be forever living in pain if you did anything to yourself. Even if you do not get along with any of them, they still will be in pain. A pain that will last for the rest of their lives. I know you are in pain and it might be wrong to think of others while you suffer, but this is one of the effects of doing something harsh to yourself.
I think it would be best to talk to a professional, if you can't talk to anybody.
I was on the edge of death once, and the only person I found to talk to was a homeless man in Tompkins Park. He was homeless, but he wasn't stupid, he was a great help. Just try to find one person to talk to, it can make all the difference.
I know you are going through a lot of pain right now, I will be thinking of you, you'll be in my heart.
Love Amelie

[Chrissycd]

asked me if I thought it was possible to ever be completely happy. I wanted to say yes, but experience interrupted and so I gave the "practical" response. We always will have regrets and make mistakes that will overshadow the good times. That seems to be the unfortunate thing that I wrestle with, that is, seeing the positives standing out rather than the negatives, but life is not fair, and can become a burden if we take too many hits. I said I'm "getting there" b/c I'm still finding out who I am inside. I think that I will find happiness when I feel that I've finally become myself AND when I feel no fear of just being me.
Sandra, you and I both know life can be brutal. I can't say anything to make you feel better, except, perhaps that I too have stood on that bridge and looked down at the water. No matter how awful it is babe, life is worth hanging onto because you never know what's around the next bend. Take care of yourself, light a candle, have a comforting cup of tea, and know that we all are here for you. Tomorrow will bring new possibilities.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Rachel Ann]

Where in live am I? Hopefully near the end, I do not feel like I have anything left to live for.

It just seems to be taking for ever for death to come. I hope I don’t need to help it on.
Sandra, sweetie. I've been where you are. Please PM me if I can be of any help at all. When we lose anyone we are all diminished.

Love

[Sandra H]

Hi girls.

You are so sweet, thank you for your concern. I am sorry if I upset anyone with my brief reply to this thread, it was just that I did not want to bore everyone with a long rambling post. But I can see that it could do with a little explanation.

Firstly, don’t worry I am not about to do anything silly just now. It is just that at 52 I feel I have done most what I want to do in life and found most of it a little disappointing. As Winston Churchill once said, “The best thing I have achieved in my life was to get my wife to agree to marry me”.

We had 26 wonderful years of marriage before she died in April. I have been suffering from depression since her death. I am getting professional help for my depression, which has helped a great deal. I am now over the death of my wife, well as much as anyone can get over the death of his wife. I will always miss her, but I have accepted her death.

I do not know if I want too much out of life, or it could be that I am an old fart, but life to me just seems like Groundhog Day. Maybe it is because we have no children and so no grandchildren to pass on my experience etc.

The example I gave to my therapist was I look at life a little like this. Life is like going on a long holiday. Supposing you have promised yourself a 6 weeklong holiday on a nice tropical island when you retire. Everyone you talk to who have been to the island are envious of you being able to spend six weeks on the island. They all say you are going to enjoy it.

When you arrive on the island it is every bit as good as you thought it would be, so nice and warm, lovely views and so many places to visit. The first week or two you are so excited every evening thinking about where you have been and looking forward to where you are going tomorrow. By week three, you are thinking where can we go today? You bring up several suggestions only to think, we have been there several times already. You pick the two or three places you really enjoy. By the end of week three you have been to these places so many times they are getting boring and you are staring to wonder just how are you going to get through the next three weeks. Paradise is becoming boring you have done everything and it is only going to be more of the same.

Then the weather changes and it rains day after day. Now the 5 star hotel seems more like a prison. You have had so many 5-course dinners that you long for a hamburger. You would not think it strange if you should say; “If this bad weather continues next week with out any sign of it clearing up I think we will leave a week early“.

Life to me is like that. As a young person you are exploring everywhere and everything, then you get used to it and find that most things are not as good as you thought it would be. Then the middle weeks are middle age you have done most things several times and the weather changes and you lose your partner or you get ill health. All you can see is the bad weather continuing and even getting worse as your health fails or you become weaker and you could end up in care.

What I was meaning is that I am ready for death and if it should come before the rain turns into a thunderstorm then I would prefer that, or cut short my holiday if there does not seem any change in the weather other than more bad weather.

Sorry for the long explanation you can see why I posted a short but sweet version earlier. I have been told that I think in a funny way and maybe I do.

[Chrissycd]

honey, you are going to take time to recover from your loss. I was only married nine years b4 I divorced amiably, and I still remember back then thinking about the future if we stayed together and having to deal with her death. It scared the hell out of me, and that was when I was only thirty! What you are struggling with may continue to give you grief, but, you are doing it to honor the love you had for your wife, and that's a beautiful thing in many ways. At some point, I hope you can recover from the loss. I'm sure that is what she would want, too.
It may be natural to think that you've been there and done all there is to do during this period. At 52 though, you've still got at least 1/3 of your life to live. Please don't wish it away.
Hugs,
Chrissy

[Georgette]

Hey Girls I'm sorry if anybody took this wrong, but right now after meeting all of you wonderful people on this Forum I feel that I have got to the ultimate place I want to be, But there are still goals that I have to try to accomplish before I meet the Man upstiars.
LOVE & HUGS
Georgette. Not at the top but still climbing.