Beware the little things

[sandra-leigh]

A few minutes ago, I was putting away groceries, re-arranging things in the fridge. I moved the bottle of lemon juice, and noticed that there was a big sticker on its label saying "TESS".

Quick panic -- how had my wife found out my name, let alone my dressing, and why would she put it *there* ??

A few seconds later I recalled a certain potluck CD'ing BBQ I'd attended a month ago and had taken my own supplies for, carefully labelled to be sure I'd get them back. Obviously I'd missed de-stickering that one.

Somehow, my wife didn't happen to notice the sticker in the course of a month!

Lucky this time!

[Butterfly Bill]

You go to CD BBQs, but your wife doesn't know you CD? Where'd you tell her you were?

[uknowhoo]

Tomato extra-sweet sauce - T.E.S.S. :rolleyes:

[Wombat]

Out with the girls :lol:

[Bernadina]

I think I'd be more concerned about the BIG things. Like your wife finding out for herself.

Isn't it time to let her know your secret?

From what other have said, it seems that their most wives have been more upset about the secrecy and deceit than the CDing.

[nancy58]

That's good for a chuckle, but I think you need to level with your wife. From what I've been reading here, and from discussions with my own wife, wives who find out by accident are much more likely to go ballistic than the ones who are told by their husband.

Nancy

[Billijo49504]

Mine told me she was cool with it before we were married. But she also said I could have ended up un married if I had kept it a secret from her. Her thoughts were , if you can't trust your wife, who can you trust. And if you can't, maybe you shouldn't be married....Her thoughts ..BJ

[Barb Valentine]

You just got lucky THIS TIME

[swiss_susan]

Looks like you were lucky this time.

Odds are you will eventually get caught, and its probably better coming from you than as a surprise.

Susan

[sandra-leigh]

You go to CD BBQs, but your wife doesn't know you CD? Where'd you tell her you were?

She was on vacation at the time. (She goes to help her parents.)

[sandra-leigh]

Oppsie...

I have occasionally worn light-coloured polish home on one or two nails, for a day or two until I chicken out.

About 3 weeks ago, I started wearing clear nail polish 24x7 -- first just on a few nails, then on all my toes, then on all nails.

Well, tonight my wife noticed my polish and asked me about it! She wasn't upset or anything, just wondering about it. I said it was nail hardner -- not really untrue, as it is Sally Hanson "Hard As Nails (with Nylon)". She asked where I'd applied it, wanted to see the bottle. "I think I left it at work." (part true -- the bottle I used for the first coat on the fingers and for all of the toes is at work, but I touched up the fingers with a bottle that happens to be at home right now.)

I also happend to have done one nail in a light coloured polish. She notice that too :( I didn't even try to explain that. (It's a longish story as to why that particular colour.)

She was amused and laughed a bit, said something about it being alright since they are selling cosmetics to men these days.

So far she hasn't made the connection to cross-dressing... even with me wearing womens' pants and jeans.


It took several weeks, but she did eventually notice. Guess the lamp light happened to reflect off of them or something...

[angelfire]

Tess, if your wife had found out, just say you were invited to a BBQ, and you had to bring a few things. Then say you must have grabbed one of the wrong bottles when you came home.

You were at a BBQ. Just skip out on the details.

[laurie_f_ca]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves. We do this by little slip up's here and there.. Have you?

The best bet is to explain your situation to your wife, rather than go through the pain and confusion that wi,, uneveitabley happen if she finds out on her own.

[sandra-leigh]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves.

Datapoint:

I took a stress day today -- and of course I went shopping. I went sort of half femme -- half-hidden earrings, subtle lipstick, womens' pants that are borderline, long-sleeve stretchy top... with size 4 foam forms underneath held by friction. Those aren't huge, but in that configuration they are visible (and sexy) to anyone who looks.

Got home, talked to my wife for a couple of minutes, and she looked over and with a laugh in her voice, asked if I had eyeshadow on :redface:

I'd remembered to remove the lipstick and everything else, but totally forgot about the mascarra! (I remember eyeshadow, but I tend to forget mascarra.)

Now, I didn't have eye-shadow on, so I could say no... and soon thereafter escaped long enough for some cleaning.

BTW, I picked up a few nice items, cheap... a braided leather belt that's not so Male; mid-length gold skirt that matches a gold blouse I have; a leather-looking mid-length skirt; and a see-through black cover-over with a nice metallic glitter to it. I'll have to be a little careful because the gold skirt is not too thick -- the shadow of my legs shows through easily (so I'll have to be conscious about panties.)
I also got to try on a few real leather skirts, the kind with a bit of a bubble for your butt and then thin down for your legs. I loved the effect, but unfortunately their size 14s were not even close to fitting (14 is my usual skirt size.) I'll have to keep looking for sure, now that I know that the effect I wanted is out there (I didn't want the simple drape-down non-shaped effect.)

[krisybryant]

Tess,
I'm new here but it sounds like your wife is starting to get suspicous. If the rest of the ladies here are like me we're reading this thread with baited breath - it's like a soap opera - will she or won't she come clean.

My story - I was dying to come out to my first wife. She never caught me, but I think she suspected I was a little 'weird'. Recently, I wanted more fem things, so I bought more. But my draw started filling up and it's a real pain to hide your delicates in the wash from a roommate. So, one day, I said in a round about way that she doesn't buy enough satin panties. And that I like the feel of them too. (hold my breathe)

A few days later I showed her my stash of satin panties and bras, and she's been supportive ever since. We wear close to the same size so that helps. And, yes you can share things, just be careful. Like someone else said on here, dress to feel good, dress to look good, but try not to look better dressed than your spouse or significant other.

:2c:

[DAVIDA]

Tess
It seems to me that your wife knows more than you think!

[sandra-leigh]

Tess
It seems to me that your wife knows more than you think!

Finally :-) The panties weren't enough to clue her in. But I don't know if she's thinking "crossdressing" yet.

For those of you following the soap opera, a small bit of background:

I am "out" in the sense that I go out in various states of femme, including what some would call "genderf*cking" -- e.g., male attire but bulge from the forms, or male attire but wearing a skirt. Or I'll go all the way femme, makeup, wig, dress, purse.
So I'm "out" in that lots of people have seen me, and a small but growing number recognize me either way. I don't attempt to hide anything from sales assistants, and I try to go to our local club monthly meeting, even if I can only stay 10 minutes.

On the other hand, I'm not very "out", in the sense that I haven't told my wife or family or friends (or work). I've told (or told by example) a few friendly acquaintances, all of whom took it well. My direct next door neighbours found out accidently (they recognized me when we happened to meet several miles from home), and they've been cool about it.

[melissacd]

It is a terrifying thing to do, however, I feel that the best course of action is to let her know. There will be pain, hurt, anguish but also relief. The rest is lots of honest, true to yourself, from the heart communication.

Your relationship will be changed forever, perhaps in subtle or perhaps in profound ways. That is the price of deception. The question is can the marraige survive those changes. Only time will tell.

In my case I have accepted that there is a good chance that my marriage will not survive this disclosure, however, I have gained a new sense of self respect for finally being truthful and not hiding this anymore. I don't want to lose the relationship, however, losing myself for the sake of the relationship is even worse. At the end of the day to be authentic human beings we must be true to ourselves.

[sandra-leigh]

however, I have gained a new sense of self respect for finally being truthful and not hiding this anymore. I don't want to lose the relationship, however, losing myself for the sake of the relationship is even worse.

Before a few years ago, I did so little crossdressing that I wasn't even aware what I was doing was crossdressing. It wasn't something I consciously thought about -- it was just yet another way to self pleasure, quickly forgotten about.

I never was one of those who knew instinctively that I should have been female.

Hence, in a sense, I only have about 2 years invested in crossdressing. I could possibly put it aside if I really needed to. But it is one of the few things that naturally calms me down and clears my head; and I'm enjoying talking to all kinds of people after years of little social interaction (job pressures + introversion). And I'd probably miss the panties: they are more comfortable. Can't say I wouldn't lapse from time to time, but small lapses.

Analogy: I read a fair bit, mostly science fiction and fantasy. I was a member of the local science fiction society when I was a teen, and went to a couple of cons. But these days, although I still plow through books, I think much about going to the cons or joining the local science fiction society here or hanging around the numerous science fiction forums. That makes me a "fan" (lower-case F), not a "Fan" (upper-case F). Being "involved" in SF&F Fandom is not part of my identity.
Just so, it's too early yet to say that crossdressing is part of my identity. It is something I enjoy doing, but I am conscious that "this is just me" -- and I have a lot of experience in "If the World doesn't like me the way I am, that's it's problem!". I am less shy when I crossdress, but it doesn't feel like a distinct personality has come to the forefront. Though, I do feel a bit different when I'm completely en femme and trying to "pass" -- trying to be treated as a female. I'm not sure what's hiding back in that corner, as I seem to get "read" relatively easily, and people mostly just don't seem to care.

[~Dee~]

im not sure if im missing things .. or if im selectively blacking out as i read posts today.

is it that you are saying that you havent told your wife because you dont know if this crossdressing thing is really you yet?
is that what you are getting at?

just a little confuzzled at this point...

[Frances1]

Sounds like you are pretty good at covering up your activity. However, everyone except your beloved seems to know. If she discovers this she will be shattered and really pissed off with you. Bring her into the loop now!

Frances :rose2:

[sandra-leigh]

Ssometimes I think we have a deep seated subconcious desire to out ourselves. We do this by little slip up's here and there..

It's fall gardening time, and somehow or other we had to do a bunch of interior house cleaning before we could garden. (If I work on my femme side long enough, will I eventually understand that logic?)

During the cleaning, my wife moved the box I had strategically placed over the hamper I often use to store my things in. A little while later, she opened the hamper to remind herself of what was in it, and looked right into it and even poked her finger at the top bag in it -- the bag containing my things! Somehow that jogged her memory of the clothes-to-repair we keep there, and she was satisfied and closed up and didn't think any more of it!!

A narrow escape indeed, as I had a skirt, and 2 bras, and small foam breast-forms in there, along with two tops (one unisexual enough but the other not). There might have been a lipstick too.

I re-hid my stuff not long afterwards!

[Nigella]

Tess

You are fooling no-one but yourself. Anyone finding out the truth will be hurt. A marriage, or partnership for that matter relies on trust. It is built up over a period of time, but there is a point when there is no more trust to build up. When you reach that point, tell, or be prepared for armageddon, because that is what it will feel like if she finds out from anyone else but you, or she suspects but you have not told.

[sandra-leigh]

It is a terrifying thing to do, however, I feel that the best course of action is to let her know.

I don't have a philosophical objection to her knowing, and I think if I emphasized certain aspects she'd agree it was good for me.

Unfortunately our communications styles are very different, and I have a lot of trouble bridging the gap.
My conversation style tends to be more essay style, sort of "There's this consideration and there's that consideration and if we balance them this way then we get this result, but if we choose this other way then this problem would occur and we could try to fix that this other way but that would cause this other problem, so the first approach makes more sense...". But when she's listening she only wants to hear the conclusions, and she wants them fast (it's common for her to interrupt after even just one moderately sentance, and to explain that "But you're so slow!".

[Lanore]

Hi Tess
One question? How would you feel if you found out that your wife was dressing as a man and going out with the boys? And you found out her name was Danny. Just a thought.

Lanore

[sandra-leigh]

One question? How would you feel if you found out that your wife was dressing as a man and going out with the boys? And you found out her name was Danny. Just a thought.

Let me put it this way: there was a phase several years ago (but already several years into our relationship) during which every month or two she'd happen to mention that she had applied for a job in a different country -- without talking to me about it first.
If hanging out as "Danny" didn't happen to be something that crossed her mind as having something to do with me then she probably wouldn't bother to mention it.

Each couple creates its own relationship style; ours is close in some ways and distant in others. We adapt, we survive.

[julie w]

its must be hard to go out cd ing without the wife knowing
what do say when she asks were you are going ? be careful
she may think you are having an affair .
a women my gf works with thinks her husband might be gay because
he goes out and she doesnt know where he goes , and only because
she found a club card in his pocket

[great gg]

it's great to play games when you put it all on your wife, and also go round and round the back door and hem and haw and well, i'm not sure. honey if you put on women's anythign and it makes you feel good, then you are a cross dresser and no amount of fugding intellectualizing is going to get you off the hook of being honest to the one person in the world who deserves that. so stop playing with her and with yourself. or stop dressing. and if you can't. . . won't. . . then maybe, just maybe it's time to talk the truth

[CindyT]

What if you were to jokingly mention the subject sometime just to see how she reacts?
I'm assuming when you go "Out" you must be far from home?? Do you worry about someone seeing you and telling her?

[sandra-leigh]

its must be hard to go out cd ing without the wife knowing
what do say when she asks were you are going ?

She's seen my panties often, and even called them panties, but as English is not her first language, it is not clear that she is not just referring to underwear in that general style (you can get mens' thongs and bikini in fairly similar fabrics and looks, and I have some of those too.)

I have a variety of shirts, mens and womens, which are plain enough to go either way -- e.g., with enough stretch in them that with forms underneath they look feminine. I wear those shirts around; some of those I don't even recall myself which department they came from.

I have a few pairs of womens' pants that you can't tell the gender of.

With a microfibre bra and no forms, then unless I've been careless in matching bra colour to shirt, no-one at work can tell what's underneath. And if I'm wearing a larger heavier shirt then they can't tell that I'm wearing a small firm bra or wearing my smaller forms. Sometimes I even wear my second-largest forms at work, under a sweatshirt, providing I don't plan a lot of interaction with anyone.

Then there's the bus on the way to work and the way home. If I leave after her (usually the case) then I can slip on something a bit more femme for the trip to work and cover it or remove forms or change before I go into the workplace.

Sometimes I wear something a bit more femme outside at lunchtime, especially if I go eat in the park.

My more extensive dressup during the week (from time to time) involves mostly dressing in my office, covering that with my normal clothes (you can tuck an entire long skirt into jeans...), brushing out my wig ahead of time, putting the real obvious things in my bag and proceeding to a washroom nearby and changing, heading to a shopping mall (and changing back there), or heading to the main CD-friendly lingerie shop and changing back there.

I usually manage to sneak a short attendance at tbe monthly club meeting by working a bit late and hitting it on the way home -- but I seldom dare more than 1/2 hour there so that I'm not out of touch too long.

"Going out for the evening" is something I only do when she's out of town.


You can fit in a lot of little cross-dressing during the day, especially if you aren't worrying about "passing". For example, my hair currently half-covers my ears, so when I'm walking places or taking the bus I can slip on some small clip-on earrings so that they are more covered than not (I get some wonderful smiles when GG catch glimpses of them.) Muted lipstick can be put on lightly while walking over to break-time lunch or shopping. I also have a couple of lipsticks that are subtle enough that I can wear them without people noticing (they might notice a bit of gloss but not the colouration.) I don't try that when I'll be talking right to someone though.

[Sejd]

Hi Tess
This is what I think. Any secret is eventually going to blow up in your face. If it is an affair, a purchase, a lie, a secret life, it will all eventually come to the surface. Why not go at it like a real warrior and proclaim it to her as it is. Yes, you love her, yes, you are her man, and yes, you love to wear a skirt and high heels sometimes or whatever your passion is. Just go for it, before it blows up and takes everything down with it. Do it!!!!!
Sejd

[Frances1]

Tess,
I think you are actually enjoying this deceipt and encouraging us ladies to be part of your game. I am sorry for being so cynical and uncharitable. However, if you are genuine, the message from the ladies is clear. TELL HER!!!

Frances :rose2:

[Sheila]

Tess-leigh,
I found out by accident 7 weeks ago having been with my partner for over 2 years and trust me the lies and the deceipt were the problem not his cding I love him whatever he is wearing but I really really had a hard time accepting that he had deceived me for so long and that he didn't tell me in the end I had to find out by accident.

I don't need to know what your relationship is like with your wife but even if she is accepting of your cding the fact that you lied to her will more than probably cause you some major probs,---------- had I also found out that other peopole knew when I didn't then I really don't think I could have coped with that.

The best advice I can give you is to tell her as soon as possible and also write down a site on a slip of paper for her to go to on the internet in her own time ------- she will have questions and sorry but some of them you will not be able to answer.
When I "discovered" I spent the next week or so online finding out what I could about crossdressing, how it affected the dressers and their SO's. I got really lucky and found a great site--------- http://crossdressers-forum.com/ which you could maybe give to her if you don't want her joining this one in the beginning

I have come so far in 7 weeks the main reason being I really love this guy. but without the help love and support from all the girls at http://crossdressers-forum.com/ it would have been a nightmare beacause he just clammed up until fri just gone.So things are looking rosy at the moment long may they stay that way


Jess(SO)

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Tess,

You're thinking maybe you're not a crossdresser??? And then you have down to a science all the places where you can go to change into a skirt, or the colors of lipstick you have that "don't show" etc.? You've got it down to a science, girlfriend! Or should I say an obsession! And then you think maybe you're NOT a crossdresser?

The first person you need to come out to is yourself! Compared to yourself, I think your wife might be easy.

It sounds like one of your biggest fears is describing to your wife just what a "crossdresser" is. You know what I mean--just what you do, and why you do it, and who knows that you do it, etc.

And the person who thinks maybe the secrecy is part of the thrill is spot-on.

My mother "never found out" because she didn't want to find out. She caught me (and freaked out) when I was age 4. She suspected all the years I was growing up, but after her freak-out, I was too smart to admit anything even when interrogated. I could get into her dresser drawers and try things on, and put everything back exactly as I found it. One day when I was in high school I happened to be watching the news on TV and there was a segment on a transsexual. She announced to me (a high school student taking honors classes) that I was not allowed to watch the news on television! Yeah, right! She was afraid of course, that I might actually learn there were other people like me, and that I might figure out what I was. Maybe that I might be a TS also? Another time (when I was 11), a friend had a hallowe'en party and I went. One boy at the party dressed as a girl. Did a good job too (probably got help). I told my mother, and suddenly I was not allowed over to my friend's house. She destroyed her friendship with his mother by her irrational behavior. And she could later tell me, when I came out to her as an adult, that she "never suspected!"

I mention this about my mother because deceit can go both ways. You're afraid to tell her, probably because you had a bad experience when you were younger. You were afraid to tell someone (parents?) or they found out and were angry, or something like that. And now you think you dare not tell your wife. Well, the truth is, she is adding things up. She knows there's something going on. Only thing is, she doesn't know exactly what.

You complain about communication in your relationship, and you're doing this big secrecy thing??? All she's doing is probably some of the same things she thinks you're doing. She thinks it must be ok, because you can do them. One day soon, she will flip out. Just as before, she will go away for a few days. After she is gone, you will start to dress. But this time, she will "have forgotten something." She'll come hone and catch you. All her anger at your lies and hiding will come out then!

Or you could tell her now, and probably restore some of that communication you miss. Just my :2c:

Rikki

[sandra-leigh]

Tess,
I think you are actually enjoying this deceipt and encouraging us ladies to be part of your game.

Based on your reactions and those of others, it sounds as if perhaps some of my postings have come across as perhaps boasting about what I've "gotten away with", or that I am fishing here looking for other excuses I can use.

My postings are, however, not intended that way. Two key motivations are:
a) warnings to others in the closet of the problems they can run into if they are not careful; and
b) stress relief -- when you've had a close call, then talking to others about it is a way of reducing the fear and anxiety -- a classic shock/trauma reaction.

Some people have offered me fancy excuses (e.g., see my "I may have crossed the line(s)" thread), but I do not solicit them and I do not use them or any other elaborate lie. I am not fond of lying at all.

By nature I am a fairly straight-forward person, saying what I think, and skipping manipulation and "head games" and manuvering for control; and I ensure that others I work with are given credit. I'm quite skilled at my technical work, but I'm not on anyone's list to be a manager because I don't do the politics.
At the same time, I am often a person of silences, containing much more complexity than can be quickly explained, so I also learned early on to keep most things to myself.

I'm not enjoying hiding from my partner, but I am also painfully aware of the difficulties we have in talking about serious things; hard to get her to just -listen-. :(

[sandra-leigh]

You're thinking maybe you're not a crossdresser??? And then you have down to a science all the places where you can go to change into a skirt, or the colors of lipstick you have that "don't show" etc.? You've got it down to a science, girlfriend! Or should I say an obsession!

My work involves a lot of analysis, problem solving, and mental modeling. Learning technical things is what I do. Which stores carry usable clothes, which places I can change: these are just information available by spending the time looking.

"Window shopping" gives me something to do -- gets me off of the computer and out and about and talking to people.

[sarahtv]

From what other have said, it seems that their most wives have been more upset about the secrecy and deceit than the CDing.

In the case of my wife, I kept it a secret. When she found out - the hard way - she was very upset. Yes, the lies were part of the problem, but I also know that she would have had a negative reaction regardless of how she found out.

In the cases where wives have been told, with a more positive reception, I think it more likely that the crossdresser sensed a positive reaction might be coming and so was more willing to tell.

I guess I am trying to say that informing your wife in a non-threatening manner is preferred, but does not guarantee a good reaction.

[sandra-leigh]

tess dont lie to your wife if she has noticed the small things like your nail polish then i think she already knows but is waiting for the confirmation from you

I don't think she's put it together enough to think, for example, that "He goes out in a skirt or dress sometimes"; she might have gotten as far as "he goes out in a women's top sometimes". I think a picture of me in full wig and velvet dress and makeup would be very startling to her, not just "confirmation".

But I do try to avoid lying; a lot of the time I get back on non-answers (sort of ignoring the question), or on a fraction of the truth. Got home two hours after I left work? "I went home a different way tonight". Got home about 21:30 after attending the monthly club meeting? "I stopped to talk to some people along the way".

But it's hard for me to even to creatively omit or misdirect. Not talking about how I feel about things... that's been part of my life a long time, but that's more a matter of just not raising the topic, rather than of pretexting that I'm doing one thing instead of another.

And besides, I have this distinct urge to do the gardening in my denim skirt...