I feel like a failure !

[Rachel Morley]

On Sunday, for the first time in my life, there was a point where I thought to myself "you know, maybe I'm not cut out to be a crossdresser....I suck so bad at it!" What am I talking about? Well, it's a long story, but last week Marla and I had planned an outing to go to her regular nail salon for both of us to get a manicure. I was going to be dressed en femme. It didn't happen, but only because when it came to the time for me to get all "girl-ed up" I just didn't feel like it. I know!! Not wanting to dress and go out in public as two girls with my wonderfully supportive wife? Am I crazy? It's every crossdresser’s dream, isn't it? Anyway, that was last Sunday and I did post about my "chickening out" and how this Sunday would be different.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=515602#post515602

Well, Sunday came, I was feeling confident, my make up was good, my wig looked fine, I was dressed to blend in wearing a khaki skort, a pale blue blouse, and black low heeled slides. I was feeling a little bit nervous but otherwise pretty much okay, but the moment we walked through the door of the salon I just caved in! I suddenly felt like I was in the most feminine environment on earth, and I felt very self conscious. The salon is a small one, with about 5 stations. There were three women getting their nails done. As we walked in everyone stopped talking, and everyone (and I mean everyone, including the manicurists) turned to look at me.

Now, I was not ready for this at all. I expected everyone to just get on with what they were doing and maybe one or two people glance at me...maybe. No way! The first woman on my left gave me a look that said "what are you doing in here?” Well okay, she probably wasn't thinking that, but it sure felt like it to me. The second woman on my right looked me straight in the eye and had a very perplexed look on her face as if she was trying to figure me out. The third woman stared really hard at me with her eyes wide open in almost mild shock. I felt like I wasn't passing at all - not even close. Right now some of you might be thinking "so what?" or "hello, welcome to my world," but believe it or not this has never happened to me before. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I pass all the time, I'm saying I've never been in a situation were I’ve been en femme and everyone in my immediate surroundings was staring at me. I could feel myself going redder, and getting hotter.

When Marla started to explain that her "girlfriend" would like a manicure, the guy who owns the shop said that I should go to the back of the store and pick a color. Well, there was no way I was going to walk the full length of the salon with all those women staring at me. I whispered to Marla "I'm sorry, but I have to go – now." She frowned at me and then proceeded to tell the guy "You know what? I think we'll go to lunch first and come back a little later." He tried to get us to stay by saying he could seat us right away. Marla said “Thanks, but we'll come back later.” I bet they thought some very strange things about us after we left.

We went back to the car and I apologized profusely to Marla for putting her through that. So back to my original comment about me being a failure. I did want to get my nails done at a beauty salon, I do want to go out en femme and do things a woman of my age might do. I do want to sometimes live small moments of my life "as a woman." Yet when I got this fabulous opportunity, I blew it! What the hell is wrong with me?! So why am I telling you all this? Well, so many people post of successful en femme outings to encourage others, and I've had my fair share of successful stories, but I think it's important to share the failures too. I want say that I've learned that being scared and feeling vulnerable is going to sometimes happen when we go out in public. I'm still learning about being a crossdresser, in particular how going out en femme in public sometimes messes with your mind and can make you think bad things when in fact there’s nothing to worry about.

So am I still going to have my nails done? You bet I am, and I hope next time I'll be ready. Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?

[Calliope]

Wow, that does sound like a nightmare! Whether they were staring at you ... or you were wiggin'... seems like splitting was the only option open to you. You must have been in shock. Well, you gotta bury that memory with a lovely success ... right around the corner, no doubt.

And, yeh, I been stared at. Plenty of times.

[ChristineRenee]

It takes a lot of courage to go through what you did Angel...and perhaps even a lot more to post it here. We are not infallible...and there are times when even the most femme of us feel apprehensive and not up to the task...so to speak. I think that with your track record, however, you will be bouncing back from this setback very quickly indeed. You don't strike me as the type to doubt the female within. Thanks for being willing to share this with us hon...and I know that you will certainly have plenty more successes ahead of you in the future.:hugs:

[Scotty]

You got guts for doing that!

My first outing will be in a dark TS/TG friendly bar......maybe this fall......maybe.......maybe not?

[uknowhoo]

Sorry to hear about your outing Angel, you poor darling. Like you said, "failures" such a these are part of the crossdressing experience. You know who you are, and have a wonderful wife by your side. I consider you very successful, whatever minor failures notwithstanding. :hugs: Tammi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Angel -

i completely get what you went you through and i all i can say about it is that i understand it...."passing" is a funny word for something that means different things to all of us...ON THE INSIDE, we are all kind of passing

depending on how we look and how we view dressing, and what are circumstances are, it may be that going out is an important part of how we want to "pass"....

i cant tell you how many times i almost dressed, and possibly my most wonderful day of dressing was very recently and it was completely spontaneous...although i shopped for more than hour and actually went to the pool!!! lol....i had a great experience and left long posts about it but there is no guarantee it will happen like that again, i dont post about the times i get all dressed, walk up to the mall, see a guy smoking a cigarette at the door and turn around and go home...happens alot for me

and somebody looking at me bug eyed(and its happened to me more than once too) really kind of ruins it for me.. thats just me...and it seems maybe you werent feeling fully confident on the inside and your initial experience in the salon, the adreniline, the stares you THOUGHT you got were all too much

take care - i have been there many times

you are certainly not failing at anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Charleen]

Wow girl! Had to be tough, but you know what? You survived, and lived to dress another day! We all have many types of failures in life, and if we didn't, how we know success? Love and xxxx, Lily

[Renee D]

Hey Angel,
I can certainly understand how you felt when you went to the salon. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience trying to do something that (in my opinion) is one of the most thrilling things (having your nails done at a salon). I have had my nails done about 5 or 6 times at a salon. I have never gone in femme to have my nails done, always in drab. Sure I get some looks at first but after I start talking to the nail tech and other girls in the salon they almost forget that I am a guy. I usually get arcyrlics with an american manicure and or soft white french. I actually like the attention I get when I have my nails done...but that's just me.

I think they sense that I like the attention and they just go about things as normal. I think you look very attractive and definetly can pass, so it might just be in your head.

Having your nails done is so exhilarating and fun...I hope this does not discourage you from trying it again. Go for it....

Take Care...
Renee D

[windycissy]

Oh Angel, I feel so badly for you! How fortunate you were that Marla handled the situation with such class and dignity. But let's get real: you are NOT a chicken! The very fact that you had the courage to walk into a nail salon is proof of that. I would never even dream of going to a nail salon, I try to avoid situations where I will be pinned down in case I'm read, and I can't imagine a more vulnerable position than a manicurist's chair. My guess is that you overreacted to a cockeyed glance and things just cascaded in your mind....regardless, you showed true courage even to go there. Know this: I have met you and seen the way you look and act when you're dressed, and you are drop-dead passable as a woman. Chin up!

[Holly]

Angel, don't be so hard on yourself! The first time I got my nails done, I choked as well. It will happen! (Maybe we can go together next month when your down here in my neck of the woods :happy: ).

[Phoebe Reece]

Angel,

No way are you a failure. Already you have had way more adventures out enfemme than a substantial percentage of the members of this forum. You got pretty far into this one before giving in to your fear. Be proud of how far you got, not discouraged by what you felt you couldn't do.

I think your main problem is that you still are hung up on the idea that you have to "pass". When you are out and think you are not passing, that is raising your anxiety level way up.

If you go out with the expectation that you will not "pass" and that you will be recognized by many if not most of those that you encounter for what you are, you will not be nearly as disappointed at people's reactions. I always go out expecting people to read me as a crossdresser and am genuinely amused by the number of people that don't seem to catch on. If someone stares, I give them a smile and perhaps a hello. That either gets a smile back or causes them to turn away.

Be proud of who you are. Your lovely wife certainly seems to be proud to be seen with you.

[Di]

Angel, there is no way you are a failure...hold your head up high.....you both handled it with alot of class...and I applaud you for posting about it. So sorry you felt this way...hurt my heart reading about how you felt.

[Olivia]

Angel, please don't beat yourself up. You are surely not a failure! You have accomplished so much and have been such an inspiration to so many of us here. The courage it would take for me to walk through that salon door? Well, maybe I'll find it someday. No way anyone could fault you for wanting to leave. Marla has no doubt already told you all that we're saying here, and you know how important that is. Keep going out, keep taking those steps; you will transcend your anxieties and fears. Olivia

[tekla west]

The failure was not with you, it was in the heads of those other people. The only advice I could give is "if you are the show, give them the show of their life." However, that is just me.



"I want say that I've learned that being scared and feeling vulnerable is going to sometimes happen when we go out in public."

CONGRATULATIONS GIRL! You just learned more about being a girl then all the panties and bras and makeovers could ever teach you. The fear and vulnerability is part of parcel of girls lives. Ask any woman.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Oh Angel, you're not a failure. Getting read can be unpleasant. But as Tekla said, the problem was in the heads of the other people -- assuming they were indeed thinking negative thoughts. As my Pilates instructor once told me, she used to stare at crossdressers because she was so impressed by their presentation skills.

I know going out has been scary for you, so I know it took a lot of courage just to get to the door.

But look at it this way. The sky didn't fall in, the world didn't come to an end, and owner still wanted your business. I'm not saying that getting stared at is fun, but just that you encountered your worse fear and survived it.

[Michelle Hart]

I went out to dinner with two yes to GG's and got noticed by a group sitting next to us.

The rude and snide comments ensued and I just sat there and ignored them. Sometimes the best thing is to just push forward. that's all I do.

Was I scared no, nervous they might make an issue out of it sure. If they had I would have just left and gone someplace else. No harm no foul.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Angel,

Please stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Going out and into the salon was more than many ever accomplish.

So what went wrong? Why did you bolt? You were with your wife, I know SHE would not let you go out anywhere if you did not look good. Maybe you forgot that you looked good. Remember that your wife loves you and will protect you from looking foolish. If she says you can go to the salon then you must believe her. I know I always value a last minute opinion from my wife. "Do I look OK, honey?" I KNOW she wont let me go out if I don't. I am sure your wife is the same.

So lets ask again, what went wrong?

I think you forgot that you will be "read". There is just NO way that most of us can avoid being read at some time or other. But if you look good, act in a dignified and presentable manner, carry yourself with confidence and poise, it doesn't matter if you are read, because people will respect you for what you are, a dignified, poised, confident, person. Period. That's the key here. How do you feel about yourself. A smile and a friendly "hello" at all those people would have defused that situation in a heartbeat. And then they would have gotten a bit more education about diversity.

Now, you look good. No doubt about it. Can you pass 100%?? Probably not. But you see, that doen't matter. What you want to do is pass as a well dressed, confident, dignified, poised, person presenting as a female. That you do, and you do it well. How do I know? I know because your wife would not be going out with you otherwise. Ask her. Do you think for a minute that she would want to expose you to redicule? NO, of course not. So, you MUST be perfectly presentable. That's the thought to remember here, IMHO. A confident smile goes a LONG, LONG way in any social situation. In this situation it would have been your biggest and best defence.

Go back and do it again. Go back in drab and introduce yourself to the salon manager. Tell him or her when you are comming back dressed. A welcome from him or her when you arrive will help you feel more at home. If you are able to walk in and greet the manager by name you will feel a lot more confident.

You can do this, I know. You are not a failure.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Dear Angel,

I just read the previous posts and saw that Phoebe says exactly what I was trying to say. Probably better than I did. So read her post also.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[sterling12]

Hi Angel:

Right now, you are certainly not a failure. If you let this small setback "get to you", and if you fail to ever go out again, or let this episode set you way back.....then, failure is on the horizon!

I'll make a comparison to The Game of Golf. Progress is made in small degrees, each time you "play". So, focus on the positive aspects: "OK, today I got over this hurdle or I got a little bit better at this task". I think the small victories add up and you start to see real progress.

I don't know if your in a group or not, but all of these things get easier when you are doing them with your CD Sista's! Saturday night I was out after the meeting with friends from my group and we had a really nice chat with some young people from Jamaica who were staying at our hotel. It was a strange, new, scary, feeling to declare myself a "CD and proud of it", in front of strangers but it was exhilarating at the same time. I consider that to be one of those "small victories". When you walk in to that salon and get your nails done, that will be another.

Life is full of bad things. I believe in Yin and Yang. For each bad thing there is a counter balancing good thing. You just have to figure out what the good thing is and focus on it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Khriss]

..I do'nt get the "failure" part ??..Between You and Marla ..I kinda got lost (enviouse?) ,in all the successes ! :eek: :D ? truth being...I learn more from negative outcomes than times of smooth sailing ??
I feel more connected to You and Your circumstances than before perhaps... (HangInThere!) yer Sis xx "K"

[christine55]

For the last few weeks it just seems like I can't seem to get my look right. I may just be getting older but I think that I have been doing something subtly different. I have also become more aware of my very thin narrow face. I look fine when I have a bit smile, but you cant wear a s**t eating grin when out and about. I woman has fuller cheeks than a male and mine are very not full. I have become aware of this and have been hesitant to go out. I try fluffing out the sides of my wig and using a little more blush, seems to help a bit.
I definately feel like a failure at times. Not a pretty girl, not a successful man. Get depressed alot. Kind of get paralyzed, don't do anything because of a beleif it wont do any good.
Hopefully coming to realize this can lead to positive change. When you take action you're not always successful but if you keep making the effort good things do happen. As I've said before if you don't have problems then something is really wrong.
Hugs, Christine

[kittypw GG]

Angel,
This very thing happened to me the other day. My step-daughter and I went into a new shop to browse. The moment we stepped in the door the three people at the desk to the far right of the room stared at us so intensely that I nervously said "are you open for business?". They ignored me and turned around and back to their business. My daughter and I shared a nervous laugh, browsed breifly and left. When we got back in the car we talked about how weird the expirence was and how akward we felt.
Just wanted you to know that strange feelings and awkward situations happen regardless of your presentation to the public at large. Try to shake it off and try again. :hugs: Kitty

[swiss_susan]

Angel,

Everything in life has its ups and downs.

On the whole you seem to be doing pretty well and I am sure you will get your nails done pretty soon.

:hugs:

Susan

[cindianna_jones]

Angel,

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me. I was run out of restrooms, chased by kids at the mall, and approached by a couple of scary guys in a parking lot late at night.

There's a lot more to passing than just looking good. You have to practice being a woman. And unfortunately, that means going out and gaining some confidence. It's all about confidence in most cases. I have a friend who has a resounding bass voice. But she's confident, she has a feminine figure, and totally gets away with it.

So cheer up Angel. Now tell yourself honestly.... it was a rush to go into the beauty salon right? Remember the moment as you entered.. before everyone looked at you. There's a nice bit of adreniline there. It's better than any feeling I ever had in any other form.

Cindi

[Lisa Golightly]

I suddenly felt like I was in the most feminine environment on earth, and I felt very self conscious.

I have to attend the mobile breast screening units... I always felt this very intrusive... funny really when you consider the screening vs death dynamic. I've had my times when I've been boyish and have been stared at, and they always call me Mr, because I am, but hey those are the breaks.

My attitude has always been I have, hopefully, a mere 70 year life span... I'm damned if I'm going to be dictated to by a bunch of drones who thought having kids, a mortgage, and bitching about their partner behind their back was the be all and end all of life.

So you froze... you still did it... you were there... You were you and that my angel is more than many can say of their whole lives.

[Joy Carter]

I think a lot of people do the kinds of things without really thinking about what they are doing. I mean you don't see a guy in a dress every day do you. But buck up there you would have been accepted by the staff I'm sure just by the way the owner treated you, your money is just green as the others. I know big talk from Joy she has never been past the threshold. But ya know I will get there I will enjoy being me. You are so lucky to have a supportive spouse in Marla. I'd go back to the salon and have your nails done be brave show at least the staff that you are who you are. I think once the shock is over for them as well as you it will be an experience everyone will remember. I say it will be another positive step in the right direction and will make us more acceptable to a few more people. Several GG's here have told me the same so I pass this wisdom on to you. "A long journey starts with the first step" or something like that. Good luck Angel !

:hugs:

[DanaJ]

Failure?? No way Angel, you have been my HERO (heroine?) for a long long time! You have done many things I have only dreamed of, so I don't ever want to hear that word from you again! I have some suggestions that may make your next time go a little easier, drop me a PM and maybe we can discuss them...

And just for you - a great big :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

The biggest problem with most of us is that we tend to take ourselves way too seriously. Once I stopped doing that and just started enjoying being who I am, I lightened up. I'm Ericka for myself mostly, no one else. If others don't like what I look like--too bad! I'm happy anyway. I'm not out to impress anyone or trying to get some kind of "passing grade" from society, just looking to feel good about myself. Seems like everyone is a critic nowadays, especially people who haven't worn the other person's shoes (literally). As crossdressers, we have a lot of fortitude in more ways than one. Let's just stop worrying about the rest of the wacked out world and celebrate who we are, even if it's just in a personal way. Having friends to talk to like on the Forum helps. Take care, Ericka

[Raychel]

You are far from a failure. You have done more than I would ever do in 10 life times. You found yourself a great woman to be with. It just wasn't the right timing for what you were trying to do. You were pushing your self a bit to hard and it came back to bite you in the A@#. So hold your head up high and continue to be our idol. You and Marla are the greatest.

[cath]

The other people in the saloon have got the problem if they can be so rude.
You look great to me.
Well done for giving it a go,

[oztallulah]

Angel, A failure you are not. Remember, a walk of a thousand miles starts with one step.
I have been out en femme 3 times. Each time it was driving a car. I got out once, in the dark, no one around and lasted about 5 minutes.

What you did takes a lot of courage. Next time maybe you could say "Sorry Ladies, I am having a break from movies at the moment". The 1000 yard stares can be very daunting. But never give up, you have broken the ice, now melt it.

[Jasmine Ellis]

you got more guts than I got

[Priscilla Ann]

Angel, I am not sure what contitutes being a failure as a crossdresser. You seem to have only failed to accomplish one goal that you set for yourself.

I often wonder why we care so much about the appoval of strangers. You have the most important approval of all, that of a loving and supportive wife.

I believe that you will have your nails done with Marla. I'd bet money on your success. Keep your nails clean and your head up.

[bgirl]

you were there... You were you and that my angel is more than many can say of their whole lives.

That is probably one of the most profound statements I have had the pleasure of hearing lately. Thanks!

[Sophia Rearen]

All normal feelings, girlfriend. My thoughts were similar to Tekla's. You may feel as if you failed, however, I would look at positively. You walked into a room and immediately felt uncomfortable or frightened. Happens to women every minute of every day. So, I'd say congratulations on discovering more of your fem side.
Also, trying to force an outing has disaster written all over it. Sometimes our schedules dictate our dressing. This schedule may or may not be in tune with your feminine feelings. Been there, done that. Your attitutude will show. If your female spirit isn't showing, chances are you'll appear as a man in a dress. Smart move not going the first time.
I went enfemme to the Mall of America this winter. The first hour and a half everything was great, and then? I don't know exactly what happened but I was being read like crazy. Teenage girls, "hey man", they shouted. Black guy, walking out of a salon while waiting for his girlfriend takes a look of shock at me and say's, "whoa". Does an about face and returns to the salon. By the time I pass the salon windows, all eyes on Sophia. Yes, it kind of ruins the fun. It's part of playing the part, I guess.
Know this though, you never know what to expect. I go to a regular salon and get my toenails done. The first time I went enfemme, I was treated fabulously. As I chatted with the techs, they introduced me to the client. She was fascinated by me. She was a sweetheart and I love when she called me "she". The immediate next client was an administrator at one time for the Pittsburgh hospital that does a major amount of SRS surgeries. We had quite the chat.
You have every right to go and and be you. Here's to a better experience next time. You go girl.

[Casey Morgan]

So am I still going to have my nails done? You bet I am, and I hope next time I'll be ready.

Last Sunday you couldn't get out of the house but you were still willing to try it next time. Sunday you got inside the salon and left shortly thereafter but you're still willing to try it next time. All this while feeling like a failure. That, Angel, is the definition of courage. It doesn't take courage to do what's easy.

Thank you for sharing your story. You're right, we do need to hear that it's not all a bed of roses. Hopefully the next time I go to do something that scares me I can find the same courage in me that you have.

[Ginagirl]

Well Ladies we need to hold our beer steines up high for both Marla and Angel.

When we read about outtings the people have made, the details are always noted. I think that because of our nervousness we pick up on every little thing. Those stares and looks may have seemed harsher than they were and the amped up adrenalin exagerated the feeling. Perhaps a big smile and a friendly hello could have melted a few.

Anyway, there aren't many times when I have set out to do something - anything - and nailed it the first time. I guarantee you, next time you walk into the salon and you will, the owner is going to warmly welcome you and usher you to a seat b/c he wants you there and feeling comfortable.

Now, make a date with Marla and take her out and treat her like the loving wife she is.

[Kandi]

Angel, Over time you will be amazed at how much confidence you can achieve. For girls like me passing is never a possibility, I get read as a big guy in a dress consistantly but choose to respond to those people with a big smile. Most time s I get a smile back. Try scoping out a few salons and see when they are busy. First thing in the morning is when I have had good experiences
There are nail salons on every corner. Try to carry on a conversation and develope a relationship with a nail tech so the next time you can call and make an appointment and be able to come in and sit down.
Good luck on your next attempt. It is so worth it to have those sexy fingers and toes.

[Wendy me]

Angel wow ok the good ..... the bad ... it's all part of what makes us , us ...you know something when we read posts abought people going out and doing things with all good responces we think wow we should all be out enjoying that sorta thing as well .... this thread was wicked cool on your part .... it showed us all one thing ..... your a person and thats a good thingy ..

[Sharon]

I think I would have acted the same way as you did, Marla, except I haven't even had the courage to even attempt to enter a salon yet. Walking amongst other people (such as in a store or on the street) is one thing, but envisioning oneself sitting in a manicurist's chair with all eyes upon you (how rude, btw!), is quite another. Gads, I would hate to think of you as a failure -- what you do totally surpasses what I've been able to accomplish!

May I suggest you try your first visit in a salon with private rooms? Perhaps Marla could scout some local places and see if there is one that will afford you a bit of privacy, away from prying eyes. A friend of mine visits salons quite regularly, and the ones she goes to have such rooms and she has a marvelous time, even though she is otherwise totally in the closet.

Meanwhile, pat yourself on the back for getting as far as you did! :happy:

[Shelly Preston]

Angel

You are not a failure
A bad experience is almost certain to happen at some time
You achieve a lot more than most girls here will in a lifetime
Remember they lost two customers due to there intollerance
Marla handled the situation very well and remember to thank her properly

[EricaCD]

Don't fret. The only reason this hasn't happened to me is because I have never gotten close to going out in such an intimate environment. Seriously, if I publicized every time I chickened out, backed off or got lazy about dressing there would be no room left on this forum for anyone else.

You absolutely should not be so hard on yourself. I think this is all part of the process of learning who that femme person is who periodically stares back at us from the mirror.

Take a deep breath, try to identify what specifically bothered you about that environment, and then start rebuilding your confidence. I know you will do so!

Best,
Erica

[Sharon B.]

Angel,
I can see how you wanted to leave but by that same reason you are lucky to have an understanding spouse that was with you.
One that supports whatever outfits you want to wear and goes shopping with you also.
For those of us that don't have that understanding spouse or other, it scares the hell out of me, but I am finding I do want to go out and about dressed as a woman. It something that just feels right if you know what I mean, but like Tclosetgirl. I will hit the gay bars up this early fall through late winter when it get a little darker early in the evening around here.
Sharon

[Jillian310]

It is ironic that this is the first thread I read today. This past Saturday I went to a place that I have attended scores of times without incident, always en femme. A 30 something gay guy was there, a first timer. He got in my face and said that I was the worst looking 'tranny' that he had ever seen, and that I couldn't pass in a million years! I yawned, turned my back on him, and rejoined a group of friends that are closer to my age of @ 70. (Here's a tip - the older one gets the more challenging it is to 'pass', in my opinion.) As long as I don't get mugged or arrested, I really could care less how others 'read' me. I know how I FEEL when I am dressed. Passing is the second priority for me over that feeling!

I go to the manicurist @ ever 2 weeks, en drab. I get my nails acryliced and clear polished, and every other time I also get a pedicure, pink polish on the toe nails. When I enter the shop, which is a large one in a busy shopping area, I get a few glances. I immediately strike up conversations with the GGs near at hand, and after I get situated they don't seem to notice that a male is getting 'the works'.

So have a nice glass of wine, kick your feet up as mine are now, maybe even have a nice cry, then get over it. I have already told my friends that I will return at the next scheduled get together. If that boor is there and doesent like it, as we say in the US, he can go pound salt up his a**!

[Maria2004]

When your aiming at the bullseye but the rounds aren't hitting, you shift your point of aim. If "passing" is the true measure of success for a cross dresser, then I'm a miserable failure also. We can get together, gather up all of our beautiful and lovingly collected dresses and shoes, throw them in a heap, and have a big tranny bon-fire, make some SMORES and commiserate...nahhh :hugs: I remember when I came to the heart breaking conclusion that there was nothing I could do to truly pass, I felt exactly like you and it was after my first outing and there was no way! after that terrifing, unbelievbly wonderful, magnificent experience was I going to be able to be content just dressing at home. If I wanted to continue going out, I had to get over passing, and aim at creating a presentation that would at least bring me some level of respect when I did go out, I think your already way past me in that regard. With that as my current standard I have been a pretty successful cross dresser. It was as someone mentioned earlier, "intuition" you got a bad vibe, and I think you were right to bug out.

[Sarah Rabbit]

At least you have the Nerve to go out..I can only envy those who have a chance of doing it and doing it well..:hugs:

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Katrina]

Angel, thank you for letting us know that even the most out girls still get scared sometimes. I have chickened out many times, even when I'm shopping in drab. Some days I just don't feel as girly and that affects my attitude. Its almost like my girly mojo is gone on those days. I want to go to a salon to get my fingers and piggies done, but I'm too chicken.

[Julie York]

Trust your instincts. If you feel nervous about a situation before you even attempt it, then it is only something to be ignored if it is a background 4 out of 10. Everyone gets a bit nervous about a new situation or challenge. But anything higher that 4 out of 10 is your own self telling you it is not a good idea....or you're in a situation you somehow can't get out of and it's terrifying.

You KNEW it was not a good idea and that you weren't ready before you walked through the door.

We all have things we "would like to have done" for some kudos or a tick in a box but attempting them too early is disastrous. Your own instinct was telling you that.

Next time.....wait until YOU want to do it and it will work out differently.

I do sincerely hope that when you feel good about the idea that you will have a better experience and it'll be a great success.


Good luck. You have more guts than me.

:thumbsup:

[Carlacd]

Angel, sorry to hear about the trip to the salon, and that it didn't work out for you, the way you and Marla were hoping for. But i will tell you this, you are not a failure. If you want to feel like a failure, walk in my shoes sometime.

[Jodi]

Angel, A failure--NO. Still gaining confidence--YES. It is called taking the course in confidence 101. In my early days of going out, I was petrified when someone looked at me. Then I realized that, if I looked away, I was just drawing more attention to myself. If I get the "bugeye look", I just face the person and give a big smile. That will disarm anyone most all of the time. It's feeling and acting like a woman when out, and you only get that from doing it over and over again in many places and situations.

Keep at it. The comfidence will come.

Jodi

[cindianna_jones]

Angel, A failure--NO. Still gaining confidence--YES. It is called taking the course in confidence 101. In my early days of going out, I was petrified when someone looked at me. Then I realized that, if I looked away, I was just drawing more attention to myself. If I get the "bugeye look", I just face the person and give a big smile. That will disarm anyone most all of the time. It's feeling and acting like a woman when out, and you only get that from doing it over and over again in many places and situations.


Jodi

Jodi, you bring up a point that I have not mentioned. Many people in retail wear name tags. Before I do anything else, I look at their name tag and say "How are you today Jenny?" Practice it in your male role first. When you feel comfortable doing that in your male role, start doing it in the femme role. You will be surprised at just how it works. It doesn't matter what they think, you are on the "attack" and have put them in a mode where they just have to be nice to you!

Cindi

[Patsy Stone GG]

Oh Angel, you are so NOT a failure - no way girl!! First time I ever went to a nail salon in California, I walked through the door, everybody in the salon turned and looked at me, some gave me that long slow up and down look like I was something bad on their shoe, and I did exactly what you did (apart from the fact that your wife wasn't with me...lol), I turned around and left. Now, I just figure that that they put something in the water/coffee in the salon that turns all those women into the Stepford Wives and it's an uncontrollable reaction to the door opening................the lights are on, but nobody is home :rolleyes: You gotta in next time - I figure you'd look good in pale pink :hugs:

[Rachel Morley]

I'm not really sure what to write as I type this because I'm feeling very humble and loved :happy: I promise that what I'm about to say is true... I came home from work and started to read all your wonderful posts....I got all the way through to post number 36 from Shari Ann and then I started to cry. I am a very emotional person anyway, but the combined support, plus the feeling that you all genuinely cared about me and wanted to help me and tell me that what I'm experiencing is all "part and parcel" of being a crossdresser just tipped me over the edge. I used to cry alot when I first married Marla because I felt so happy. This community is without doubt the most supportive group of people I have ever had the pleasure to be associated with. Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel like a success because of them! :bighug:

There's way too many people that have posted (51 of you!) for me to respond individually but I want to tell you that I am so ready to go to that nail salon now...or what! You all taught me that crossdressing is not all plain sailing and that sometimes, as with all things in life, things don't always go the way we plan. Was I ready for an up close and personal en femme experience? maybe, but maybe not that day. And as for passing, well obviously I need to adjust the expectations that I've set for myself. I'm not a genetic woman, I never will be, and sometimes people are going to know...and they're going to let me know, that they know, whether I like it or not.

It was reading posts on this forum that got me out of the door in the first place, and now it's posts here that'll get me through the door of the nail salon......and beyond!

Thank you so much, love to you all.

Angel xx

[kwebb]

That sounds like a rough thing to have to deal with/go thru. Makes you wanna give it all up or go back in the closet but that is so hard to do. I can relate.
THe hand full of times I've been out was at a certain gender event in the south 3 years in a row.
It seems like I went backwards. The first year was pure magic. I was out, relaxed, scared at first but by the end of the weekend my confidence was at an all time high. We roamed and roved all over town. If p.ple were staring or gawking, I sure didn't notice it one bit. Even got poisitve comments about how good I looked. I got back home and was on such a high. The following year we encountered merchants that remembered me from the year before and commented on how they were left wondering was I male or female. So that made me feel pretty good but:

For the most part it was completely different. People pointed , stared, laughed. I would be lying if I didn't say I felt humiliated to say the least. I was like, gosh, what happened? I went back home and mused over it, licked my wounds and said I'd never do it again. And you know what, the next year, I went back. This time it dwindled to the point of me having to literally ask myself, what am I doing here, is this not madness, temporary insanity even?!!
And in my mind even thought I got some positive comments, the negative ones and looks really screwed with my head until I wanted to crawl under a rock. Do I regret it, not really, it was all a wake up call to the other side of the fence.

What goes up must come down I guess.

So here I sit to this day asking myself, what happened. Were these negative stimuli there all along but I was so excited about being out the first time I simply didn't notice it? And as years went on, I became more cognizant of it. If that is the case then it is all in my mind and I need to go back to whatever it was I felt that first time. The same event comes up this fall and I remain on the fence.
It's certainly a barometer on growth.

I am sorry you had such a terrible expereince but I do relate. I'm tempted to jump back on the proverbial horse that threw me. Maybe that is the only way to grow with this.

[Adrienne Heels]

Like the others have said, Angel...you are by no means a failure. I can only dream that I will have the number of positive experiences you have had when dressed.

[sissystephanie]

Angel,

You are definitely not a failure! You were just doing something that was new to you, and you were naturally nervous. The feelings you had were perfectly normal and I bet all of T-girls have had them at one time or another. However, you have to forget abouth other people and just be happy with yourself. I get a manicure and a pedicure every two weeks and I have always worn feminine clothing to the Nail Salon, along with one of my many pairs of sexy open toe sandals. I don't try to pass, I just look like a man wearing a skort. That is what I usually wear, along with a feminine top over my (padded) Bra. Yes, I get some looks from the customers, but the ladies who work there all know me and treat me just fine. Maybe because I tip well!

Since I work with the public, my finger nails are always done in a pale pink. My toes are another matter entirely. Right now they are done in a sparkling pink, but usually I have them done in a very bright rose, or some bright shade of red. Since it is hot here in Atlanta now I wear sandals, without socks, almost all the time when I am not working. Especially when I go shopping, or out to dinner. The trick is to feel comfortable with yourself, no matter what you are wearing, and not worry about other people.

Sissy Stephanie

[Roberta Lynn]

Hi Angel
Didn't know if I should post to this thread or not. I would just be echoing so many of the things said here. But I figured This is the only way to reach halfway across the country and give you a hug. So Here it is :hugs:


Of course now that I'm here I've got my :2c:

On this "failure" thing. You will only fail if you NEVER go into a salon and have your nails done, from reading you second post that ain't going to happen.

Remember when you do go there, the place will be packed. A lot of us will be there with you. You might want to write down our names so you can introduce us.:heehee:


And I hope you will post pictures of those nails when you do get them done.

:love:
Roberta

[Maria2004]

And as for passing, well obviously I need to adjust the expectations that I've set for myself. I'm not a genetic woman, I never will be, and sometimes people are going to know...and they're going to let me know, that they know, whether I like it or not.

Angel xx

rarely spoken.

All my love sincerely

Maria

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Angel,

The first time I ever did the salon thing, I was in jeans, a blouse, pumps and not at all 'passing'. I walked in (alone) and said I'd like a manicure. The manager called over one of the nail techs and we went over to her station.

Click-clack-click-clack... All eyes were on me - the nail techs, the patrons - as I walked over to her station. Hell, if I had been there and I walked in, I'd have been looking at me as well. At that point, I couldn't leave: in for a penny, in for a pound. I sat down and got my manicure. Once we got started, everyone went back to their business and hardly raised a head when I was done and got up to pay.

When I showed up again the next week, a few of the same patrons were there and one even said hello. After that, I was 'one of them': no funny looks or stares. I even got a compliment now and then.

For us, many times it's like a game of chicken: who will flinch first. Sometimes we simply have stand our ground, in spite of the aprehension on our part. I suspect if you could have made it to 'pick a color', you would have ceased to be an object of curiousity.

Nonetheless, as has been pointed out by others, you should look on it as a positive experience. You now know 'what to expect' in situations like this and can prepare yourself - mentally and emotionally - to deal with them.

You went out there as you - that in itself is an accomplishment to be commended.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Jodi]

Cindy, You are absolutely correct, and, I must add, use the big smile when addressing any female when enfemme. Watch the gg's, they smile all the time.

Jodi

[Deidra Cowen]

Gald the girls helped you on this thread Angel! We all have uncomfortable moments or situations. I wrote about it in my blog but anyway won't go into lots of detail. But I went to a straight bar with another tranny one night about 2 months ago and got very uncomfortable

Did not like the looks we were getting all and that...I kinda freaked out and hauled my bootie out of there!

You seem like a very nice girl and have accomplished a bunch. Be proud and keep on having fun when u are in the mood for it!

[KimberlyS]

Angel, Look the successes you have made. Just to highlight a few are:

You have worked out our CDing with your wife. HUGE TASK

You have gotten the clothes you needed to go out.

You have done your makeup.

You got dressed.

You went out the door and to the car.

You got out of the car and to the salon.

You went into the salon.

You left the salon with your composure... you did not run back to the car.

Angel, when you are ready you will take the next step you want to take.

As I tell my kids, they only fail if they do not try and give it their best shot at it. And to do it better some times takes practice.

The old saying is true.

Try try again until you get it.


KimberlyS-CD

[Kristen Kelly]

Faliure, far from it, any attempt at anything even when the outcome is not what you planned is a sucess. You had a setback thats all you had, you will get your nails done and be so proud of yourself.

I remember the first time I went out in the daytime, that first step out the door was tough, chickened out once, second time stood there all of 5 mins before I scurred out of the room, and then felt like the whole world clocked me, when as a matter of fact it went very well. We are always going to get our nervous moments, but when I get through them I feel like I'm on the top of the world.

The boundries we break today will make it easier for those tomorrow

[Tamara Croft]

Angel - like they say 'there's a first time for everything' and that sounds like that was yours :( However, don't look at it as a bad thing, we all learn from things whether they are good or bad. Your initial instincts in the first place told you you didn't want to go out, you were already getting bad vibes ;) a womans instinct is never (well almost never) wrong, maybe you were really in touch with your fem side that day.

Don't be too hard on yourself and listen to your inner feelings :hugs:

[Sandra]

Angel

You are not a failure so get that silly notion out of your head :) . This happened to Nigella whne she went for her first manicure, we walked in and was asked to take a seat at the back as they were quite busy, which meant walking down between tow rows of people having their nails, it was as if all of them were robots as we walked down all heads turned. Now Nigella doesn't let things like this bother her she just turned round and smiled at them none of them knew what to do, now me I was ready to go give them all a :slap:

Don't let it bother you grit your teeth and get your nails done, if anything happens let them see it doesn't bother you. I was once told that one asset a Cder has is her smile, use it it shocks other people because it is not the reaction they expect.

[Mistress_Thorny]

Hey Angel *ss*

I know what you are feeling... My first pedicure was a nightmare. I was 45 and have always had the worst feet. since I love being barefoot or in flip flops I have the ugliest scaley nasty feet. My SO convinced me that I should have a pedicure and I finally agreed.

Jeesh.. As you, I walked in.. a large salon... and felt that everyoone looked at me and most especially at my feet. I felt that when I got in that chair that the man that was going to do my feet must have been cringing. It was the single most uncomfortable thing I have ever done.

I have been back not once but twice and I feel more comfortable now but still always think people look at my feel like I am from an alien planet or something.

I am sure it is a person perception type of thing. Marla most likely didn't egt the same vibes you did. The truth is most people don't care. They might give a glance and some might even wonder but it is a momentary thing that just goes away and dies a natural death.

Please keep trying. in the long run it will be worth the bumps and bruises.