I left my psychiatrist and burst out in tears

[Natasha Anne]

I had my usual session with my psychiatrist yesterday. I had left it and was driving back to my place of work when I suddenly burst out in tears. They were not tears of sadness however. The enormity of the things said in the session just completely overwhelmed me. I sat in the underground parking lot, in my car, for a while after I arrived at the office just gathering myself together so I could go in looking fairly unscathed.

We had been discussing for a number of months that I would be able to get my surgery sometime in October or November. So I knew things were going well, but yesterday he told me to get a date booked and that he would ensure the right documentation reached the surgeon prior to the surgery. Not only that, but he was just so sweet to me. He is going on a book tour until 19 September, and he asked me to please not book my surgery before that date as he wanted to be around when I had it done.

My outburst in the car was because I felt years of frustration just dropping away. I thought I had dropped everything, but I felt like the a whole world of trouble had just melted away. I thought I'd feel excited at the moment, but instead I felt on overwhelming sense of relief. It was incredible.

He also told me how credible I was, and that no one will know if they're not told about my past. He was talking about my overall appearance, gestures, voice, looks etc. Coming from a guy who is so experienced it was quite a thing, especially when he added how lucky I was because only a tiny % of transsexuals seemed to put in enough work to get it right. He wasn't trying to be condescending to others though, he explained his reasoning by pointing out the odd things we do in our lives like body building, weight training, joining the military, deep voices, starting much later in life, tattoos etc as things that get in peoples' way when they transition. I'm lucky in some respects, but the confidence comments like that give me are wonderful.

So what a day!

[Kiera]

Congratulations Natasha I wish you the best of luck...
kiera

[Ginagirl]

Well Natash,
You are there. Congrats on the accomplishments. You should really feel good. You will have to keep us posted on your elected surgery date and all the happenings. The fact that you burst into tears in the car is sign you are a women. Haha don't see many men doing that....... Best of luck. the future looks bright.

[Natasha Anne]

Well Natash,
You are there. Congrats on the accomplishments. You should really feel good. You will have to keep us posted on your elected surgery date and all the happenings. The fact that you burst into tears in the car is sign you are a women. Haha don't see many men doing that....... Best of luck. the future looks bright.

My twisted and irreverant sense of humor couldn't help but spot immediatelly that most men would burst out in tears at the thought of losing their sausage and two veg :)

Of course my tears were for a totally different reason, so I understand what you meant. I just had to point it out anyway!

[cindianna_jones]

Natasha,

I am sincerely happy for you. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly.

I set my date back in the before time and I got a call one week prior to the event. Dr. Biber had an accident with his horse and broke his leg. I had to wait another 4 months. Oh it was aweful. When his office finally called back to let me know my appointment had been rescheduled, I had to leave work. I could not fight back the tears of joy.

There will be a moment, right as you come out from under the anesthetic.. you may be shocked and disoriented for a moment or two. But you'll slide your hand down there and it will be bandaged but smooth. Such elation I have never felt in my entire life and there hasn't been anything since that could beat it. There's been some pretty good ones too.

You know Natasha, we are going to have to trade books sometime. I'll trade ya one of mine for one of yours. They are both published at the same place and have about the same number of pages. You have a more pensive writing style and mine is a "lay it out on the table" story.

In any case, it's not long now is it? Let us know when you get your date.

Hugs and the best of wishes

Cindi

[CaptLex]

My twisted and irreverant sense of humor couldn't help but spot immediatelly that most men would burst out in tears at the thought of losing their sausage and two veg :)
LOL! :rofl:

Congrats, Natasha. We suffer so many setbacks, delays and obstacles in our course that we learn to not get our hopes up, and when the realization hits that things are possible after all it opens the floodgates. I've experienced some of that. I'm very happy for you. Looking forward to hearing more about it as the time draws nearer.

:dance:

[Natasha Anne]

You have a more pensive writing style and mine is a "lay it out on the table" story.

I'm intrigued. I had not realised my writing style was "pensive". I can't even figure out what was meant by it. I have loads of humour and I've not approached my transition in it negatively or even tentatively.

I'm not taking it as an insult, I'm trust trying to see what you see, as your view was not my intended result.

[Sharon]

It's wonderful news, Natasha Anne, and I'm so excited for you. :hugs:

I totally understand the tears and I imagine I will duplicate them when the time comes. Meanwhile I tend to tear up during my sessions themselves as I relive past experiences, using my drive time home as a period of recomposing myself before arriving at my next destination (usually my sister's home so I can tell her the latest).

Congratulations!! :happy:

[cindianna_jones]

I'm intrigued. I had not realised my writing style was "pensive". I can't even figure out what was meant by it. I have loads of humour and I've not approached my transition in it negatively or even tentatively.

I'm not taking it as an insult, I'm trust trying to see what you see, as your view was not my intended result.

I can only read the first few pages of your book and believe me pensive is a great compliment. I believe you have a great writing skill in analyzing your feelings and are able to convey the nuance of what you feel. It is a quality that I truly admire in those who are so talented.

These things we feel are so hard to describe to someone who has no experience in these matters. It requires that pensive skill to do it justice. No, I will not apologize for calling you a genius! ;)

Cindi

[Stlalice]

[QUOTE=Natasha Anne;525210]My twisted and irreverant sense of humor couldn't help but spot immediatelly that most men would burst out in tears at the thought of losing their sausage and two veg :)

ROFL - while most guys would do their best to hide their tears the real give away to their feelings is their physical stance during the part of my "Transgender 101" talk dealing with SRS. Legs crossed and hands protectively cupped - they adopt the position unconsiously and it is a nearly certain indicator of wether one is transgender or not! I might add that describing the process that an FTM goes thru produces a similar reaction in many women - arms crossed protectively over their breasts. It is a natural reaction and one we tell folks is a good indicator of not only wether you are transgender/transexual but how far one will go to gain some sense of "peace in your own skin". :eek:

[Natasha Anne]

I can only read the first few pages of your book and believe me pensive is a great compliment. I believe you have a great writing skill in analyzing your feelings and are able to convey the nuance of what you feel. It is a quality that I truly admire in those who are so talented.

These things we feel are so hard to describe to someone who has no experience in these matters. It requires that pensive skill to do it justice. No, I will not apologize for calling you a genius! ;)

Cindi

That so sweet of you to say. Thanks. Things like this tend to make my day a little brighter :love:

I didn't think you were being insulting. I just wasn't clear on what you meant.

A psychologist friend of mine often laughs at the things I say about the way I feel. He says I really do tend to get in touch with my feelings and have a unique and pretty clear way of explaining them to others. So I guess you're the second person to say that. Wierdly enough, noone gave me that feedback before I started to transition.

[michelle19845]

i hope all goes well for you.good luck.keep us posted.

[ChristineRenee]

Nice post Natasha...and congrats to you hon!:hugs::love:

[Lisa Maren]

At the risk of posting this little anecdote in one too many places, I burst into tears myself only a couple of hours ago. I've been feeling frustration about my gender confusion, I'm tired (woke up around 6 am feeling too worked up to sleep -- and that had nothing to do with the minor tremor we had just before 6am either; usually I drop off right back to sleep when I'm awakened by one of those, but not this time).

Anyway, at the dinner table, my father asked if I was allright. My parents have a really irritating way of catching me while I'm silent because I'm thinking about private matters and asking me either what I'm thinking about or if anything's wrong. Actually it's only because they care but it does leave me in the position of having to hide myself unless I want to pretty much come out right then and there! lol

After dinner, my mother put her hands on my shoulders and said, "Tell me it's just that you're tired." She can't deal with anything difficult at that time of night; I've heard her specifically say so many, many times. Plus, my niece and nephew, her two grandkids, are here for the next few nights and wearing us all out, plus her sister's life is a train wreck right now and she's very stressed about that. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about me right then because there is literally no question that to do so meant pushing her rather far past her boundaries at a bad time ... and so I lied to her. I honestly did think it was the lesser of two evils compared to causing an uproar in the house while the little ones where asleep (they'd just gone to bed, actually, and I didn't want to wake them up, so again, a bad time).

I felt absolutely horrid (still do) and I went straight up to my room and just cried for a while; I couldn't hold my emotions in and just let them come. I just wish I didn't have to go somewhere private to emote. Oh, how do I hate that?! lol When I feel something strongly, the tears come. That's just how I've always been. I'm glad for it, too. :) Life is so much richer with feeling!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Natasha Anne]

Hi Lisa,

It' a big moment. You'll know when the right time is to tell people. It will just happen. You're feelings about what to do about it will change in time, so don't rush things. Rather let things happen.

In the meantime hang in there and be careful not to do anything rash that will negatively affect your ability to transition should you decide that's the path for you. So stay away from Popeye tattoos, getting huge in the gym or abusing your body with too much alcohol, smoking or drugs. Hiding can turn you into a difficult personality, so embrace your differences and the time it takes for you to figure out exactly what you need will be less. I'm talking as someone who did run and hide, and in retrospect I see what as waste of time so much of my life has been.

Lastly, only you know exactly what you need to do. Others like myself can share our experiences. Remember you are special and you are unique. Don't be pressured into heading into either direction, just be who you are and things will fall into place as they need to.

Hugs
Me