Only me asking for advice AGAIN!!

[cath]

Sorry to keep going on about my problems(i'm not usually this self absorbed).
I had a discussion with my hubby last night and made sure that comments were made in a 'we' context, that we need to talk and share how we feel and that at the moment we are just poles apart. In his responses all I got was that he feels bad, he doesnt want to lose me, he would be devastated then he got all depressed and I ended up appologising. Whats this all about am I making too much of this, I dont honestly know how I would feel if it were just dressing but when he has admited to bisexual feelings as well I think this is something we need to sort out.
Another thing he said was that when he found out that I had been checking up on him(when I first found out) that he was happy because it showed I cared. I found this quite disturbing the fact that I have loved him unconditionally for the past 18 years,have always trusted him and the fact that we have been together through all the bad times, is this not what caring is all about.Please correct me if I am wrong.
Thank you all for being here and I will appologise again for keep asking for your help.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Cath, Glad to talk to you. I feel you both need to honest and open with each other. He says he doesn't want to lose you but has Bi feelings. What is more important to him? My wife would never agree to sharing her real feelings with me. I think she was afraid she would lose me if she knew. Nothing is farther from the truth but she was afraid. Now, she is living with her Mother and I'm here but we are still married. You have a right to know his feelings. After all, you have invested your life in him. You need to know where YOU stand in all of this. Granted, you are willing to work with his CDing which is more than a lot of women would do. They DID marry a man after all. The supportive spouses on this Forum are exceptional women and I applaud them. It can't be easy. I would have loved to have a wife AND a gal friend to pal around with but it wasn't to be. You can never communicate enough. Take this from a man who has learned the hard way. My most precious thing in life (my wife) is now lost to me. Don't give up but you have to communicate and be honest with each other. Take care, Ericka

[Kimberly]

I dont honestly know how I would feel if it were just dressing but when he has admited to bisexual feelings as well I think this is something we need to sort out.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with bisexual feelings!

It's when he start's cheating on you, you have to worry...
No seriously. Please, for gods sake, don't have a problem with this. Sexuality is varied, and if he thinks he fancies guys too, so what!? It just may seem a problem for both of you because he's never acted on them(?) or repressed them, maybe along with his dressing.

But sexuality is never a problem with anyone - and never should be. xx

[Jasmine Ellis]

Frist let me say, I applaud all the lovely women out there who has stayed with there man knowing they dress. Yes, I'm married and she knows about me too.

I have never thought about being with a man when dressed as Jasmine. I have never had Bisexual feelings towards the same sex. I'm not bi or gay.
I love my wife, she's my heart. I love to dress yes, I love going out yes, But thats it for me.

I think you should sit with your husband and have a heart to heart with him dear. Its fine with you thats he cross dresses but the other thats what you got to find out where it leaves you.

[cath]

Thanks Jasmine,
Our heart to hearts normally end up with me appologising for even bringing up these subjects as he gets very depressed and upset. I just dont think he can grasp the concept that I'm not knocking what he does but I do need him to comunicate with me without making me feel guilty.

[Lisa Golightly]

When I was young... too young to seriously contemplate marriage I got really close to this girl. She was everything I loved in a woman; bright, auburn haired, believed in making a difference, and had a truly giving heart.

All she wanted to make her life complete was me, so she thought. At the time I could not articulate what I was because I felt no one could understand me... I was unique in my wrongness. There I was with this beautiful woman who thought me to be this perfect match for herself.

I had to tell her, and though she said she could understand in her eyes I saw her dreams start to fade. She tried hard to understand me, in her mind to help me, but I wasn't ready for help so the divide between us grew wider unbeknown to her.

She would not touch me when dressed, and I felt dead to her as a man and thus things began to fall apart. I stayed out when she was at home, and when I did see her she looked sad and lost.

She wanted me to talk, but I had nothing to say. How could I articulate what I didn't understand myself. Eventually things came to a head when she tried to hold me one night and I got up and left.

I'm not proud of the incident, and I do not blame her for attacking me to all who would listen. I deserved no less.

So do I have a point you ask yourself... Well, in truth, her attempts to understand me though perfectly logical and right just made me feel worse about myself. Until an individual finds out who they are to themselves, you just can't articulate the why or where you are going.

Sometimes we only have the journey and no idea or knowledge of the destination. The greatest challenge for any couple here is to believe in today and ignore tomorrow.

She wrote to me a year or two later to say that she was getting married, but she would give him up if I asked her. She truly loved me, and because I truly loved her I never replied.

[Kimberly]

When I was young... too young to seriously contemplate marriage I got really close to this girl. She was everything I loved in a woman; bright, auburn haired, believed in making a difference, and had a truly giving heart.

All she wanted to make her life complete was me, so she thought. At the time I could not articulate what I was because I felt no one could understand me... I was unique in my wrongness. There I was with this beautiful woman who thought me to be this perfect match for herself.

I had to tell her, and though she said she could understand in her eyes I saw her dreams start to fade. She tried hard to understand me, in her mind to help me, but I wasn't ready for help so the divide between us grew wider unbeknown to her.

She would not touch me when dressed, and I felt dead to her as a man and thus things began to fall apart. I stayed out when she was at home, and when I did see her she looked sad and lost.

She wanted me to talk, but I had nothing to say. How could I articulate what I didn't understand myself. Eventually things came to a head when she tried to hold me one night and I got up and left.

I'm not proud of the incident, and I do not blame her for attacking me to all who would listen. I deserved no less.

So do I have a point you ask yourself... Well, in truth, her attempts to understand me though perfectly logical and right just made me feel worse about myself. Until an individual finds out who they are to themselves, you just can't articulate the why or where you are going.

Sometimes we only have the journey and no idea or knowledge of the destination. The greatest challenge for any couple here is to believe in today and ignore tomorrow.

She wrote to me a year or two later to say that she was getting married, but she would give him up if I asked her. She truly loved me, and because I truly loved her I never replied.
:sigh:

...

:cry:

[EricaCD]

Hmmm. Tricky situation. Although I am working on the basis of incomplete information I suspect a big part of the problem is your husband's personal guilt and shame about being a CD. It seems that most of the time that's the reason for spousal discomfort in talking openly about crossdressing. So these discussions make him upset, you empathize, and you feel guilty about having brought up the subject at all.

Well, usually it's the crossdresser that needs to be told "go slow" in discussions. Maybe in your case you should also slow down a bit. Remember that we do not always have our feelings neatly sorted out about our crossdressing--you may be asking questions to which he does not have good answers at this point.

With regard to the confession of bisexual feelings, obviously you have an absolute right to assurance that he will never act on them - just as you would insist that he never act on his hetero feelings outside the context of your marriage. Assuming that to be the case, then there is a more nuanced inquiry to follow. As Kimberley noted above, occasional bi feelings, especially while dressed, are not uncommon among CDs - including many CDs who nevertheless manage to maintain a perfectly healthy amorous relationship with their female SO. On the other hand, if his bi feelings are impeding his ability to relate romantically with you, then you are venturing into more serious territory.

Lastly, I'd just remind you that it is perfectly natural and in fact common for SOs to go through ups and downs. Right now it's pretty clear that you are deep into the down part. You might find that a couple days hiatus from trying to make progress on understanding your husband's CDing are in order.

Good luck!
Erica

PS: On re-reading I noted that this is one of the more jumbled posts I have ever written. Sorry for the absence of narrative cohesion!

[DonnaT]

Our heart to hearts normally end up with me appologising for even bringing up these subjects as he gets very depressed and upset. I just dont think he can grasp the concept that I'm not knocking what he does but I do need him to comunicate with me without making me feel guilty.
Why does he get depressed and upset?

If you don't "know" the answer, but are only guessing, then you need to stop apologising, and get him to tell you why he gets depressed and upset.

When you apologise, he probably feels he no longer needs to discuss it. But then you bring it up again. Y'all keep repeating this cycle. Time to break the cycle at some point.

Ask him if he even knows the answers himself, or just doesn't know how to explain it.

Maybe he should write it all down for you to read later.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Cath,

I agree with Kim when she says there is nothing wrong with bisexual feelings. Many of us entertain such thoughts (many of us do not).

When it becomes a problem, and to ME unaceptable, is when we ACT on those thoughts in the context of marriage. This is adultery, and it goes against our marriage vows.

It's also very dangerous behavior in terms of STD. No one has the right to expose our partners to potentially fatal disease just to satisfy a feeling. That's when it crosses the line, and I would advise you to put your foot down on this issue.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Billie Renee]

Cath, first of all stop making appologies to him,you are only enableing him to make you feel more uncomfortable. As for the bi-sexual feelings they are there in some c/d's but are controled as long as he does not act upon them you sould be fine but communication is a must and don't let him off with a I'm sorry or anything like that,make him talk with you.In matters like this you must be firm with him and let him know your feelings as well.I've been a cd all my life and my wife has been very suppotive of me and we talk all the time about what bothers each of us and we are very happy.
So go and make a happier life for you and your husband.:hugs:
Billie Renee

[Bernice]

Cath,

Your efforts are commendable!

Remember this: I'k OK. You're OK. If you have inadequate self esteem, it is a lot harder for you to help anyone else.

Lastly: though it seems obvious, it takes two to communicate. You can't communicate with him all by yourself. So, if he is not ready to communicate, you probably don't help the situation by pushing too hard. If your intentions are to be supportive and understanding, then just let him know your intentions, and wait until he is ready. But big "Dittoes" to previous advice about him acting on any tendancies towards infidelity. :hugs: