How do you break the news to your wife?

[candiconners]

I have been dressing for many years but have kept it my secret. I don't think my wife would be surprised. She knows my tendencies. She would probably accept it. I am just hesitant to open up with her. Any advice out there? Thanks.

[Sweet Susan]

I told my wife about it before we married, but if your wife already thinks you are dressing, why not just surprise her. Sometime when it is convenient, and things look good, cook up a dinner, get dressed, and be waiting for her to walk through the door. Be ready for whatever.

[candiconners]

Thanks Susan. Not sure if I am ready for that but it is an idea. I will have to give it some thought. Thanks.

[DonnaT]

There is no simple way to break it after you're married. You'll just have to find a mutal time to sit and discuss it. Start out with an apology for keeping a secret about one of your characteristics. Don't stop the sentence with the word "secret" :)

Explain from the beginning, starting with the first urge to dress in female clothes. (If you haven't revealed it here yet, try it on for size here first).

Explain how things progressed, i.e., dressing up more, denial, purging, whatever occured. You're goal is to give her a look into your inner self and hope she will understand.

Unless she asks to see your things, don't dress for her until she's ready. See:
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/do_dont.htm

Does she know of your attraction to men? and if so, she should be able to accept your CDing.

DonnaT

[Tamara Croft]

I have been dressing for many years but have kept it my secret.

Can I ask you why you didn't tell your wife before you married her??

Tamara x

[yesha]

hello.. in my case, i got married first before i told my wife about my love for feminine things.. and
she knows that i am getting worse.. she noticed that everytime we're out, when there
are girls, i always look envious.. that's because i wanna go out wearing what they are wearing.. i want it so badly. my wife at first cannot accept me, but i was able to convince her when i told her that i love her dearly more than anything else.. the problem is i cannot tell her one thing.. she is always asking me if i like a particular guy.. i always denie it, but i do.. i really do.. i wanna make love to a guy.. that's one thing i don't think she would approve of..\

[AussieRhonda]

Possibly the new years eve parties could be a help as there are a lot that are Fancy Dress. You could try this avenue as a thought.
I always found that when I wanted to tell some-one something that they possibly wouldn`t like I made it a joke that had possibilities, like, when she is dressed to kill, and say some thing like "Man wouldn`t I just love to be,or dress as, a woman and as ( attractive -choose word - ) as you are", and see how it goes. DONT be too elaborate or she might become upset and think you are not happy with her looks etc. but put the thought that if you had your life again you would definately be back as a girl, and as her friend.
any way it`s worth a try
Rhonda

[Sharon]

Candi,
Don't play games with her, just sit her down and slowly/carefully tell her your feelings. Emphasize to her that you still love her and that you are still the same person you've always been.
You might not want to go into too much detail at first, especially if there are other, more ominous (to her) details, such as possible homosexual feelings, etc.
Play it by ear, try to get her to ask questions, and try to remain calm. I'm sure you'll do fine.
Sharon

p.s.: holding her hand as you tell her and looking her in her eyes might keep things calm and help reassure her if she starts to get upset

[Fiona K]

Hi Candi,
As some of the girls here know I've just done what you're thinking about and I would echo Sharon's comment- don't play games with her.

If she (as my wife did) figure out that was something wrong then be ready to reassure her, my wife thought I was going to confess to an affair.

The truth was almost as devastating and I'd been sure she must have suspected- she hadn't a clue this was what was coming.

It has been difficult for us, she's an open minded lady but all the things you know intellectually get knocked sideways when it is so close to home.

She understood straight away that you can be a CD and not gay, that you can be a CD and not as a fetish and that I still love her but these reassurrances will need ot be repeated 'till you're both tired of hearing them! IN the wee small hours of the morning when she's lying awake the doubts creep back in.

Be ready for the biggest question of them all though- "why the hell didn't you tell me sooner!!!!" That is probably the hardest to answer, see Amelie's great post asking those of us in the closet why we have not told our SOs.
( http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1204&page=1&pp=25 )

Also, even if she accepts and understands what you tell her, be prepared for her not to be at all happy about your dressing.

It is hard right now but both of us are glad that I have been honest after all this time but Fiona only exists here on this forum right now. I'm hoping that will change in time but am not sure how long it is going to take.

Think this through, plan when you're going to tell her (I didn't) and be as loving and reassuring as you possibly can.

Good Luck
Fiona

[Paula A]

One thing is for sure that you sould not do.

Do not get all dressed up and suprise her, she might just go nuts on you, in an angry sort of way. It will be tough enough without shocking her like that.
Trust me I know, but I still had a ready excuse I had to use.

I just recieved my Holloween costume and I really, really, wanted to try it on, it was a wedding dress and I was planning on being a skeleton bride. So here I was in the dress with a corset and stockings on underneath - I looked great BTW. Anyway the dress was OK i guess but she flipped on what I had on under, I chickened out telling her because of her turn.

So don't shock her, she'll be shocked enough without you being dressed.

[candiconners]

Thanks for all your caring responses. The support here is wonderful and I guess I will have to decide if I can take that next big step. I never told her before we married for the same reasons I hesitate now, fear, lack of understanding, ridcule, and on and on. I know it would bring a great feeling of relief, despite the potential downside. Thanks again to each of you.

[Julie York]

Hi, I am new here so forgive me if I am barging in without knowing what I am talking about. But before I found this great place I did find a site similar to this for wives of Cds and TVs. It is the same sort of caring place and the posts are really very enlightening. Angels is in the title. You get to see what women really think about it, from the scared and confused to the loving and accepting. Is he gay? Does he only want me for my clothes etc etc. And the good news is the most important thing in the Coming Out seems to be sincerity. Someone who loves and respects you appreciates that you have put yourself basically at their mercy by revealing your true self and will respond back honestly and with compassion if mabe they don't really understand.

I can't remember the address but maybe someone knows it.

But the most important thing to a S.O. is the very thing that is so scary to us. It is being completely scarily honest, no secrets and honest. "This is it, this is the truth and I am sorry but it's part of who I am."
Then again, I've not had to do it. So I would maybe feel different if I had to.
But good luck.

[Celeste GG]

the last thing you want to do is shock a wife... Far better to let them come to realise it slowly. Then they associate it as part of you as the person they love.

I have been doing lots of reading and talking about this lately. One theory is that sometimes for loved ones who have not idea it is like losing someone they love. They have to go through a grieving process as if you had died. Stages like denile, anger and so on..... hopefully acceptance. But sometimes they will see the female persona as being the murderer of their loved one.


So DON"T make it a shock or surprise! :eek:

[crispy]

the last thing you want to do is shock a wife... Far better to let them come to realise it slowly.
what, like paint one toenail today and two tomorrow?

come on, one day she will find out because you have been careless. it's gonna be a shock.

[Vivian Best]

Hi Candi,

I wore a bra under a man's tee shirt for several days before she noticed it.
Then, we talked and talked and talked. Won't go into details why I hadn't told her before then.

Vivian