The last straw

[Sophia Rearen]

Recently, there have been a couple threads that have made me think about marriage and crossdressing. It seems to me that if a marriage is a good one, if the issue of crossdressing is suddenly introduced, most marriages or long term relationships will endure. However, if the marriage/ltr is unstable then the issue of crossdressing may be the last straw. Is it really about the clothes and gender identity issues?

[Julie York]

I think it is pretty much all about the 'last straw'. It's not what it is...It's just about how much you are willing to take....and why you should in the first place.

[Lauren B]

Recently, there have been a couple threads that have made me think about marriage and crossdressing. It seems to me that if a marriage is a good one, if the issue of crossdressing is suddenly introduced, most marriages or long term relationships will endure. However, if the marriage/ltr is unstable then the issue of crossdressing may be the last straw. Is it really about the clothes and gender identity issues?

I could be oversimplifying this, but I think introducing crossdressing challenges a couple's communication skills and capacity for respect and boundary setting. Healthy couples usually can do this quite well, so while crossdressing can upset the balance of things at first, a strong enough foundation is already in place so eventually it can be integrated in a positive way.

However, when you have a marriage that isn't that smooth to begin with, there are usually underlying reasons for that shakiness, whether it be incompatibility, trust issues, lack of communication, inability to be one's own person within the relationship, or whatever the case may be. Crossdressing is a pretty huge "x-factor" to throw into an already unstable situation. In most marriages that already have these "fatal flaws", crossdressing will bring them to the surface, where they can't be ignored any longer.

I hope that made at least a little sense:o

[Ellaine]

Hmmmm So if it's a good loving marriage, the wife will be more likely to accept?

Nah, tain't neccesarily so. If she can't deal with it, she can't. This is not the man she thought she married. :(

[mollytyler]

No marriage here....but in any relationship it is the trust individuals have for each other that will be the test....I have many friends that I have cultivated over the years that I based that friendship on the eventually revelation of who I really am.....some easier than others...but lasting relationships. Have been generally very lucky....and with family about an 80% batting average.
Molly

[Jasmine Ellis]

Hi Sophia
After telling my wife about my crossdressing my marriage has got stonger and we do shopping together for clothes now. We wasn't on a rocky road in the frist place but telling her has given us a new life in our marriage.

Nevertheless, yes it could of gone the other way. But my wife is my rock, she's the life of my heart and I love her to much to loss her.
If that makes sence.

[Sarah Rabbit]

Every person, marriage and situation is different. From a TG point of view, we are still the same person the GG married. From a GG point of view, we are not the man they married. Some of the couples stay together either blossoming or calling an unsteady truce. Some couples go their own way, sometimes to regret it later on in life..As just confusingly demonstrated by this, there is no set formula, No owners manual. Got to take it as it comes


Sarah R. :bunny:

[Karren H]

Well, being married for 30 years and having what I call a good and stable marriage, I think that in my case, that we will survive....

but more at issue is the level of acceptence vs the level of survival. If accepence goes to 100% then survival most likely goes to 100% and if acceptance goes to zero, survival may plunge towards zero also... but now throw in the level of crossdressing and now you have a 3D equation which looks more like a surface or a pyrimide....

So what I see are zones where marriage survives and the level of acceptence and the level of crossdressing are balanced some how....

Make any sence?? I need some real data here....lol

Love Karren

[Sophia Rearen]

Hmmmm So if it's a good loving marriage, the wife will be more likely to accept?

Nah, tain't neccesarily so. If she can't deal with it, she can't. This is not the man she thought she married. :(

No, not neccesarily. She may not accept it, however, as Danille pointed out so well, the communication skills, capacity for respect and boundary setting are key.

[Sophia Rearen]

Every person, marriage and situation is different. From a TG point of view, we are still the same person the GG married. From a GG point of view, we are not the man they married. Some of the couples stay together either blossoming or calling an unsteady truce. Some couples go their own way, sometimes to regret it later on in life..As just confusingly demonstrated by this, there is no set formula, No owners manual. Got to take it as it comes


Sarah R. :bunny:

Of course they are all different, but as a whole?

[Sophia Rearen]

Well, being married for 30 years and having what I call a good and stable marriage, I think that in my case, that we will survive....

but more at issue is the level of acceptence vs the level of survival. If accepence goes to 100% then survival most likely goes to 100% and if acceptance goes to zero, survival may plunge towards zero also... but now throw in the level of crossdressing and now you have a 3D equation which looks more like a surface or a pyrimide....

So what I see are zones where marriage survives and the level of acceptence and the level of crossdressing are balanced some how....

Make any sence?? I need some real data here....lol

Love Karren

I'm confused? Not hard to do:D You're talking her acceptance, of your crossdressing, right? And then you throw in the level of crossdressing??

[Sophia Rearen]

I think it is pretty much all about the 'last straw'. It's not what it is...It's just about how much you are willing to take....and why you should in the first place.

Good point!
However, no one ever said marriage was going to be easy. Most of the time, it takes work.

[SherriePall]

When I told my wife nearly seven years ago (after about 25 years of marriage), she first went wild. But when she calmed down a couple of days later, she said that she now understood why I was the way I was: moody and grumpy at times and then OK. So, while she wishes I didn't dress, she believes we are closer now because she understands some things she didn't before and I don't have to hide everything (including some of my feelings).
So, I guess I may prove Sophia's theory.

[Kenix]

Sometimes coming out to the wife can be a shock and she may not be ready to accept it. I suspect the main reasons are "I can't accept my husband dressing like a woman" or "If he is hiding this from me all these years what else is he hiding?"

My coworker's friend divorced her husband of 10 years as soon as she found out that he is a CD.

[DonnaT]

I've seen some excellent marriages fail when the wife was told of the CDing.

It can be a last straw event, but not always.

For example, sometimes one's religious upbringing and faith will not allow them to accept it at all.

[CDsWifey GG]

I know I am new to marriage, and new to being with a CDer, but I do have to disagree that any strong marriage should weather the storm. I have been with my guy for eight yrs and we have seen strong and shaky times, I was raised to have an open mind and be accepting of others, I was exposed to many alternative lifestyles, I myself am bisexual and I know what it is to have to fight for acceptance, understanding and even a little basic compassion. But even I had a hard time redefining what we are to each other, who we are as a couple now, who he really is, even if I didn't have such a big issue with him keeping "the big secret" I can understand why most would. Same for the misconception that CDing is indicative of homosexuality. I never had that, but I can understand why some would, and if they did, why it would be nearly impossible to see their loved one in the same light. Also I have noticed that many hide the feminine side of themselves completely, then bam, hey babe, like the new dress? I knew Brandy in a lot of little ways all along, so it was much less of a shock for me. There are so many things that acceptance or non acceptance and the level of it rely on I don't think it is just a simple matter of I love my husband, so I will also take him as my wife. I think for some ppl that is just asking way too much... Just my :2c:

[gennee]

My wife was surprised at first. She took the news calmly. I let time pass and never forced the issue upon her. Now she knows all about my dressing. I showed her my outfits and now she borrows my skirts and blouses. I borrow hers, too. It has worked out and she accepts the fact that dressing is a part of my life.

Gennee

[kali GG]

It's a vast generalization/oversimplication to say that good marriages will survive the husband's CDing and struggling ones won't.

My marriage was good. I found out about this. Now my marriage is bad. I can't handle the CD, but I do love my husband. The kind of hell this has put both of this in, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We are both helpless to control our respective feelings on the subject.

But the point is, it is in no way the last straw...it is when our problems began. I think posts like this go straight to the heart of the fact that a lot of CDers find it impossible to believe that CDing could be so devastating for their wives and SOs.

Guess what...it can. And I resent the implication that there has to be some "other problem" going on for me to be this upset about the CD.

Kali GG

[Sophia Rearen]

It's a vast generalization/oversimplication to say that good marriages will survive the husband's CDing and struggling ones won't.

My marriage was good. I found out about this. Now my marriage is bad. I can't handle the CD, but I do love my husband. The kind of hell this has put both of this in, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We are both helpless to control our respective feelings on the subject.

But the point is, it is in no way the last straw...it is when our problems began. I think posts like this go straight to the heart of the fact that a lot of CDers find it impossible to believe that CDing could be so devastating for their wives and SOs.

Guess what...it can. And I resent the implication that there has to be some "other problem" going on for me to be this upset about the CD.

Kali GG

Kali, what I said was, "if the marriage was a good one most will endure".
"it is in no way the last straw...it is when our problems began" Have you left him or divorced him?
There is no implication about another problem. An unstable marriage is just that, unstable. Go ahead, be upset about the CD, you have every right.

[Wendy me]

well my wife kinda knew all along and she joked abought it always saying things like... you look like a girl... or you should be a girl.... and let's face it i have been busted so many times there was no room not to know... but when i came out and told her i like to wear women's clouthes... she was like freaked out..

we have had our ups and downs in our marage but what couple has not had them ??? as far as this being the last straw i don't think so... we have been through way too much for this to be the deal breaker......

as far as her accpetence well we are getting better with that slower than i might want but at her comfy level and thats ok with me rather than force her to a place she is not comfy with.... after all this is the woman i love and want to spend the rest of my life with....time we have.....i am the same person she marryied just with a little twist.....

[Melanie]

I can see many sides of the debate here,but when I 'came out ' to my longtime GF,she let me in for the biggest shock ever.

We had a marvellous relationship,sex life and even as friends it was so great.
It was unfortunately not a good idea for me to 'come out 'to her ,as I did not wish to hide a thing from her anymore.What I thought to be a decent thing helped end our relationship.

After I had told her she called me'faggot' and no matter how I tried to explain with compassion,and show how much I loved and respected her,our relationship dwindled.

About a month later I caught her with not 1,not 2 ,but 3 guys at once.I have never been so totally emotionally smashed in my life.I was physically ill,and lost 35 lbs and became underweight as well as the emotional collapse that came with it.I am still recovering from this that happened two years ago.
So I have decided to never tell a woman about this again,I know some of you won't agree but if I had to endure what I did one more time I might just end it.So for now I give up on women(sorry) as I am content being myself and my other self lol.

Here's to the future..................gulp! :tongueout