Potholes in the middle of the road

[Lisa Maren]

I've been thinking...

I dress when I can (as completely as my current possessions allow; I would dress completely if I had everything). I enjoy practicing feminine mannerisms and my feminine walk and more. I return to drab mode when I have to.

If I am a "bigendered" person or a mix of male and female such that I were to fall in the middle of the continuum and if that's what I'm living now (I basically am) why am I still not happy? It doesn't add up, to me, that it's because the balance is off somewhat or that I'd be happier dressing in an androgynous manner. I think I would personally still feel a bit muted and repressed that way. Besides, even if I'm not wearing what I'd like to, the percentage of feminine life and masculine life should feel somewhere around "right". Yet, it doesn't.

I want to shave my body hair and facial hair for good, pierce my ears, grow my hair long, etc. This picture doesn't seem to be that of a guy wanting to return to male mode. My idea of going back to guy mode (if I even do really want to, which is quite debatable) is leaving my hair long, earrings in (even if small), body hairless while wearing the guy clothes. That is not very symbolic of someone with a strong masculine identification, I don't think. It seems more like a person who never wants to be entirely without her outward expressions of femininity.

Is there anyone out there who felt initially uncomfortable with living life partly feminine and partly masculine (ftm or mtf) but later came to realize it felt right? (Please notice that, I'm not referring to the logistics -- I know it's not an option for some to make many changes. I'm asking only about whether it felt right.)

I guess I'm trying to distinguish whether I'm going through a phase of discomfort or seeing a true indication of how strong my femininity really is... or just still floating down that river in Egypt. (Here's a dirty little secret, or not: that "river" feeds right into Sh** Creek at the end! I'd better not lose my paddle! lol)

(Side note: I just thought of something else. I'm a member at a healthclub and I never was totally comfortable in the men's locker room, nor in any of the boys' locker rooms in my school days. I imagine that most men walk in and out without giving it a thought, but I'm never totally comfortable in there. It's not unbearable comfort or anything, just something tangible that I notice and seems out of place... from my drab point of view anyhow.)

Hugs,
Lisa

[Kimberley]

Hi Lisa,

Comfort? Personally I feel some comfort either way but moreso on the female side, to the point that I wouldnt miss drab at all. I suppose I would prefer it but things being as they are for me, it is not possible.

You dont say if you have any real support systems and THAT could be what you need. I think you are almost through that door of gender reality but not quite. I say this because you are differentiating male and female rather than just expressing yourself as who you are. I'm not sure that makes complete sense.

This third gender, this mix, has no definition other than we are a combination of the cisgender ideals. We could be more one way than the other fitting in on the continuum in any number of places all at the same time. A lot of us have come to recognize this reality and the internal battles have ended because we are free to make choices we know are right for us.

Some of us transition, some of us live 24/7, some are androgynous and some slip back and forth at will or as need arises. The one thing we all have in common is that we are transgendered. (I am intentionally ignoring the TV/CD element here just to make things simpler.) There is no label to describe how we FEEL.

I think a lot of people have this idealistic perception of what is female and what is not. The truth is that every human being has influences in their personality of each gender. Only some of us are transgendered though. For instance we know of effiminate men just as we know of tomboy girls yet their gender and sexuality are congruent where ours are not.

I guess maybe you should just cut yourself some slack and enjoy who you are and less of what you perceive yourself to be. You might find the answers will be right in front of you.

:hugs: :hugs:
Kimberley

[Lisa Maren]

Let me give more information as to what I'm looking for.

I want to clarify to myself and whoever else I should need to (particularly an SO if I ever have one) whether or not I feel the need to transition as well as whether or not I actually will transition (not all TS transition, of course). I want to understand whether I'm a mix of male and female on the one hand or, on the other hand, mostly female such that it's equally valid to say that I'm a female with some male traits (and there aren't that many). I do feel pretty strongly that I'm not all-male. lol Some of us talk of having the male side that likes to ride a motorcycle or use power tools or play football and I definitely do not identify with that type of masculinity. I used a miter saw once to install some baseboard molding, but power saws kind of scare me and I was never very comfortable using it. lol The rest of the job was just measuring, nailing the molding onto the wall and painting it. It's surprisingly simple to do. Anyway, I want to be able to explain to people what to expect from me and feel reasonably sure I won't end up totally surprising not only them but also myself. I want to feel as reasonably sure as possible that I'm not going the wrong way or giving people inaccurate information when explaining about me (when the time comes). What I want to understand most of all is how to stop having battles with myself over whether I should shave my body hair and leave it for good (which is my desire) or wait until winter and only shave it for the season, for example. I want to understand how to create for myself a working, functional life that suppresses myself as little as possible and that has no more emotional wars.

As for labels, there are many personality types, but to give you examples I'll bring up two of the personality types found on the well-known Meyers-Briggs personal assessment test (this is a test given by career counselors and psychologists, so it's not something off the internet). There's a personality type that describes people who feel constrained by structure and prefer to live playing it by ear. Another personality type (which has always described me) thrives only with structures and definitions and doesn't feel comfortable proceeding before they feel adequately informed on things -- which is exactly why my femininity has held me back from finding romance. It's not because I don't accept myself. Not only do I accept myself the way I am, but I love being the way I am; I don't want to be anyone else. But, at this point, I feel that I would be asking a GG to live with a level of uncertainty that I don't find acceptable myself.

For some people labels are wrong or harmful and they are correct. For others, not only are labels not wrong or harmful, they are very, very helpful and necessary and they are also correct. Using labels or not using labels isn't right or wrong or helpful or harmful. It's only right or wrong or helpful or harmful for the individual. It's the same old adage: What's right for one is wrong for another; one girl's old rag is another girl's adorable new dress. :2c:

I do fully support those who prefer not to use labels. I see that as a very valid approach and I respect other people's preferences. It just doesn't work for me, personally. To each her own, I say. Dress and let dress! :D

I'm not afraid of finding out what I need to do to find some peace and happiness and not be at war with myself any longer. In fact, I can't wait because I have found that when I understand myself I am much more confident and way more resistant to other people's pressure and comments.

My fear, then, is of the consequences of doing what I need to, of losing or alienating family and friends and all of that. Well, I'm also nervous about finding employment after I get out of grad school or, if I open up my own practice (which is what I want to do) being able to find clients to help who want to work with me. Although, I would definitely be interested in working with other CD/TG/TS, so there could be a way to make it all work.

Moving on, my parents are know-it-all personality types. When they're convinced they're right about something it's extremely difficult, if not impossible to change their minds unless you have plentiful evidence to back yourself up. They're both also very traditional and very afraid of what people think of them. I've often heard my mother say that she's worried about seeing (my sibling's or my own) picture in the newspaper (not from having been kidnapped or something, mind you, but, for example, as a result of going out to a club). What in the hell would a newspaper want my picture for? What on earth does she think I would do, rob the place? Start a brawl? Ha! lol

I'm not really concerned what other people think. I am concerned that one of my parents' friends will tell them that they saw me dressed as a woman and then my parents will have a hard time dealing with that. I wouldn't feel guilty, because that isn't something that I control or care to lol and I really do not believe that it is wrong to crossdress or be CD/TG/TS. However, I would feel empathetic to my parents' feelings and the challenge of adjusting that they will be faced with if (more likely when) I start going out en femme (meaning when I have a wig and makeup). Truthfully, I would feel a lot better about kicking the door off the closet if I felt I had support from my family, but I don't know if I will... unless they were to be handed an MRI showing that my brain structure is that of a woman or... some kind of cogent medical results that give at least a partial biological origin or influence high enough credibility... something other than just theory or speculation, something concrete enough (they seem to prefer structure, too)... and coming from a credible professional. Unfortuntately (I feel like) I always have to qualify myself -- and well -- before they start to listen.

I am concerned that I will end up with a choice between putting a lot of distance between my family and I (not because they would ask me to but because it would be impossible to be comfortable around them) or trying to stop CDing again (and I have no intention of trying to stop again because I know that's pointless and I do wish to keep dressing anyway).

Well, this post is very long, so I'm going to stop here. :)

Hugs,
Lisa

[Robin Leigh]

For some people labels are wrong or harmful and they are correct. For others, not only are labels not wrong or harmful, they are very, very helpful and necessary and they are also correct. Using labels or not using labels isn't right or wrong or helpful or harmful. It's only right or wrong or helpful or harmful for the individual. It's the same old adage: What's right for one is wrong for another; one girl's old rag is another girl's adorable new dress. :2c:

I do fully support those who prefer not to use labels. I see that as a very valid approach and I respect other people's preferences. It just doesn't work for me, personally. To each her own, I say. Dress and let dress! :D


We need to use labels to discuss transgender topics in depth. If our terms aren't defined clearly, we'll just go around in circles and misunderstand each other.

The problem with labels is that they can be used to put people into little boxes, and simplistic TG theories tend to not provide nearly enough boxes. And they expect you to inhabit only one box! :sad:

Transgender people don't fit well into the gender category they were assigned to. Some just want to go live fair & square in the middle of the other category; some of us get very suspicious of the whole idea of being put into a category & don't want anything to do with it. :p

Rather than using label to categorize people, I think labels are very useful to describe all the various elements that can be found under the transgender umbrella & see which of these TG facets apply to a given individual, and how each of these facets works for that person.

Using this approach, we can see general trends within sub-groups of the TG world, without actually putting people into little boxes.

Robin

[FROCKYHORROR]

I know how you feel..Its a difficult thing..this Gender dismorphia..I wish i could grow my hair long, keep my body shaved all the time and dress up and go about life with out a care in the world..but like you its this feeling off having to cut yourself of from exploring relationships, distancing yourself from friends and family.and for me cessation of working towards other goals in my life like my desire to be a guitarist.Its so hard..how do you feel comfortable..the way i do it is like a pendulam 1 wk i'm femme and keep myself shaved explore that feminity end up feeling god i wish i could stay like this god i need my beard lasered,then i start thinking about people i'm neglecting (not maliously)start seriously thinking about how i could explain to everyone i want to be a women or "do woman like things" that fantasy collapses and after getting myself all worked up i may snap back to male mode till the hair gets long around 3 weeks is enough for me,then i get annoyed by the unattractive hairyness and "she" returns..I've tried the integration thing,its not enough, i need to be full on femme or nothing, so what tends to happen is a continual On/Off thing. whats the answer? ultimately its SRS, complete abstinance or the 3rd way if the first 2 are too daunting to contemplate,moderation on/off on/off and just accept it like that,which i know is a struggle,i've been dressing everyday since monday and at the moment feel reluctant to go into off mode,but i know i have to soon...All the best hon..

[Kimberly]

I never was totally comfortable in the men's locker room, nor in any of the boys' locker rooms in my school days. I imagine that most men walk in and out without giving it a thought, but I'm never totally comfortable in there. It's not unbearable comfort or anything, just something tangible that I notice and seems out of place...
I know exactly what you mean.

I'm always wondering -- how far does my dressing go?? I would like, logically, to be androgynous because it's proving a point about cisgender rules. But I enjoy so many of the cisgender rules that apply to women that I think I verge onto the female mindset in a male body route... But it comes and goes, and this is intensily annoying.

I know I need to dress, and normally there is a very clear devide between presenting as male and female. So why can't I shake this off?

I suppose I need to try androgyny for what it's worth, but there's something about presenting as female that grabs me. From my perspective... prepare for the understatement of the year... maybe it's not just about the clothes.

-- Sounds like we're on the same river. xx

[Lauren B]

I can identify with so much of this thread.

While I am not a big fan of labels, I do admit that I need to have a degree of "certainty" when it comes to where I see myself on the gender spectrum. I can't say that I know exactly where I will end up, but I do know that I am much more feminine than the appearance I show the world.

This need to find my "happy place" also presents problems for me, at least in my own mind anyway. My family, while I love 'em, are very conscious of "what people think" and are sort of gender police-like. I work in a very gender-police, uptight environment. I also live in the same area that I grew up in, and all of those things put together make me feel as if I am living in a fishbowl, where every "transgression" is going to be noticed and scrutinized.

Towards that end, I decided that now that I'm divorced, and have a little seed money to start over, that is exactly what I am going to do. I am changing careers, and I have decided that I am moving to a new city for graduate school. At the least I am giving myself some breathing room to explore. However, I do wish in a way that I knew exactly where I needed to go with all this, because I think that at least having some solid idea of self-definition would make it easier for me to relate to the world.

Like the original poster, I love being myself, and I just want to put it all together in a way that works best for me, but how to do it is what has my head spinning a little bit.