Caught out in here !

[Lilith Moon]

AAARGH !

I was just doing my morning perusal of Crossdressers.com and I heard my wifes footsteps as she walked into the room. She is not very accepting…dismissive is the best word I can think of for her attitude. If, for example, I mention CDing more than once in a week or so she will object with "I wish you wouldn't keep going on and on about THAT."

So, I have learned to keep low-profile. I would like to open some communication with her but the barriers come down every time I broach the subject. She will not come into this forum and talk to other GGs….”I don’t want to be told what to think” she will say. In short we are currently going nowhere and I’m not getting younger. Our relationship is slowly cooling. I’m depressed, retreating into a shell and angry for much of the time since her original apparent acceptance, then change of mind, six years ago. My only comfort right now is this forum. Thank you everyone.

I’m digressing….what I wanted to say was that just two minutes ago she walked into here and, as usual, I quickly minimized my browser window showing the big Crossdressers.com logo and a few avatars, then turned to face her. This reaction of mine is typical of the way things are between us nowadays…she doesn’t want to be confronted by my CD interests and so I go stealth.

She was grinning…ear to ear. “I know perfectly well what you are looking at”, she said. “I’ve known for ages what you do when I walk in here. You are just not quick enough to fool me, I see it all. Every time.”

I’m a bit embarrassed at being caught out so easily, but I’m also pleased that she could see a funny side to this. My reaction is to use this tiny incident as a way to open up some communication between us. But whenever I try this sort of thing, down come the familiar barriers again…the stony silences when I ask for her opinions, the sighs of impatience, inevitably followed by “I’m fed up with talking about this all of the time.” After six years of hardly talking about it at all this response gets so frustrating.

Anybody have any suggestions as to how we can get some communication going ?

[bredalee25]

I know where you're coming from i'm in the same situation. My GF knows about my dressing before we got together. She thinks i've stopped but i haven't. Talking about it only causes trouble. She knows I visit crossdressers.com but doesn't want to hear about anything related to the subject.
On the other hand she sat there and watched a girl like me and simpathized with gwen over what happened to her. Why can't she do the same for me? I really don't have any advise for you just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who feels this kind of pain.

ttfn

[Kate Simmons]

Too close to home, Bren. Your girl friend is sympathetic as long as it happens to someone else. When things get too close to home, the attitudes change. Ericka

[Jasmine Ellis]

That was me right up to 3 months ago. Untill me and my wife talked. She has seen my pictures, looked on here with me, and two days ago she seen me dressed as Jasmine she even took pictures of me, which, one of them is my new avatar now.

I would say that time when she walked in on you that was the time you should of talked to her. But there again in saying that you don't have to hide this site anymore seeing she knows and the next time she sees what your doing then you can sit down and talk.

[Kimberly]

:(

You should still try, Lilith. Persist with the subject, for just a little bit - and defend your corner.
"I wish we'd stop talking about this over and over..."
"But we don't talk about it over and over -- that's the problem!"

Just ask for one conversation - unreserved. She gets to say how she feels, so do you. If you're both open, then it's fine. Be careful, though, to make sure that it's not just you expressing your opinion on this subject.

xx

[Tracy_Victoria]

Lilith,

maybe the best way forward is now not to close your browse now, and maybe even ask her to read a few posts you feel she might be able to understand, ie from real GG's that feel the same as her.

Why don't you cease the moment, and ask her "okay so you know i visit this place, if I print out a few threads from the forum would you read them!"

Small opening but worth a try, at least you can explain to her that she is not alone in both her feelings and fears, many SO feel the very same way (infact it the majority if were honest, it rare a SO gets to full acceptance of this, and even rare that they actually get a kick out of it. ie she is in the majority here, not the minority!). Also this is not something a few gay guys do for kicks, all types of men CD, hetro str8 masculing men, as well as gay, and bi guys, it's nothing to fear, unless the fear is inside the onlooker already.

Normally crossdressing men of any sexual tendancy tend to be the most inoffencive people, ie when did you last see a crossdressing killer, mugger, or rapeist! it don't happen often.

good luck

[Tina Dixon]

What we do is not a easy thing to tell people, and some people just will not accept it, then there are people out that just say "Hey honey I'm a crossdresser!" she says, "OMG that is so cool, lets go shopping and by some cute things" if life was only so simple, but hang in there at lease she knows.

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Lilith, I know exactly how you feel, when I was married my ex eventually got to find out I was a TV but didn't want to talk about it, it got to the stage where whenever we were shopping I dare not look at womans cloths or even at dresses in a shop window. I became paranoid about it, I tried to talk and did all I could to try and reason, all to no avail I'm afraid. Eventually we divorced, but she had the final say on the matter, because she cited me for divorce and my divorce papers they read 'unresonable behaviour dresses as a Transvestite' Bit red faced when that went through the courts. This dosn't help you any I know but it does seem very common with women that they don't want to talk or deal with the situation as they feel it an affront to their femininity, I may be wrong and corrected but that was the conclusion I reached. Anyway, 'Good luck' and I hope it works out for you.
Best wishes Louise

[Dragster]

Lilith,
We've conversed before by PM, so I know you're in a similar situation to me. I've given up minimising CD.com now, but my wife has stopped coming into the room when she thinks I'm on line!

I don't know if you missed my last thread, "The Long and winding road to Acceptance", http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37222 but there was some advice from others, particularly Marla GG, there that you may try. It hasn't worked for me yet, but we're still talking at least every week or so. If I find the "magic" pill, I'll let you know!

Tony

[Karren H]

Yeah. Simular here but I don't let it get me down. If she doesn't want to communicate or participate of accept then that's her problem. Not mine. So I find times and places to dress and she knows. Just doesn't want it in her face! That's life. Move on, I did!! Flexibility is imparitive if your going to survive...

Love Karren

[Diane Paris]

You have not mentioned professional counseling. It might helpful for a third party to help you both understand where appropriate boundaries can be drawn that may save your relationship. She said, ….”I don’t want to be told what to think”. Her attitude and behavior are in fact censoring you. That may be something to try to find common ground on with a counselors help.

As others have suggested, you probably need to establish the fact that you are a CD and stop hiding it with her. Her denial of that fact is not moving the conversation forward. There is no conversation, as you have said.

If I were in your place, I would be open about visiting this forum and freely admit that I love to dress occasionally. I would draw the starting point to be clear that this is who you are and behave accordingly.

That will surely trigger a crisis that will need professional help if the relationship is to be saved, but containing with her denial with no dialog, together with your accommodation of that by being compliant to her wishes, is getting nowhere.

I looks to me like you can not be happy with the current situation, so change is necessary. Are you ready to take the risk for change?

Please check in and let us know how things are going. I feel so badly for you and your situation. There are so many in this forum that will help you by pointing our options for you. Even if you don't do anything, we are still her to help in any way we can, even if just to listen. Good luck.

Diane

[Raychel]

The situation is almost exactly the same here. Now when my wife comes into the room, she will either stand on the other side of the monitor, so she can't see what I am loking at. Or if she does come over to my side I will minimize the window out of courtesy for her. Not out of panic. Although she would rather not know anything about it, she accepts that it is part of me that won't just go away.

[Bev06 GG]

It always really saddens me when I read threads like this one. However, I really do feel that this is your wifes defence mechanism. She knows very well that by saying these things to you, she will diffuse the situation and shut you up, which means that she doesn't have to face something that she feels uncomfortable with.
I can understand exactly where she's coming from especially when you suggest to her that she comes on here to talk to other GGs. Nevertheless, this constant denial of hers will eventually take its toll on you and you could end up in a loveless marriage, not to mention how it could affect your health.
Without sounding like Im criticising your wife in anyway I think you do need to sit her down and confront her if this is how you want to live your life. I know its slightly uncomfortable, but you really do need to tell her exactly how you feel. Maybe she doesn't understand how important this is to you and how badly its affecting you.
I know that Cding for some women is a really uncomfortable subject and they hate it with a passion, but I do wish they'de realise that by not allowing their hubbys or partners to be who they want to be, they only have half the husband that they could have if they allowed this freedom.
Easy for me to say I know because I actually love what the CDing brings to our relationship and I know that not all women would feel or react in the same way. I just wish they knew what they were missing out on. Even if they never end up liking it or participating in it, surely to have a happy contented, fulfilled hubby is better than having a groutchey, frustrated, moody, secretive partner who errs toward depression even on a good day.
I hope that this doesn't sound critical in anyway it probably will do to some but I dont really know how else to say it. I will just add tho, that any woman who feels uncomfortable about it, but still stays in a relationship is worth her weight in Gold and must really love her partner to death. We always hear about how great it is to have an understanding partner and how wonderful we all are to be so gracious, when really the ladies who struggle are the unsung heroes. Afterall, what have we accepting partners had to struggle with, there have been no issues for us. They on the other hand have had plenty and still soldier on.
Hope you can work this out I really do.
Take care
BEVxxx

[Ginagirl]

Hi there,
My thought is this. The repressiveness is hurting you and thereby your relationship. Her unwillingness to discuss your Cdressing is a fear on her part of something. I think that is what you need to find out. Perhaps her thinking is that if she does not discuss this that you won't take this any further and her fear will not become a reality. I think you need to tell her that you need to talk for your marriages sake. Let her know it is serious. Best of luck.

[Lilith Moon]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all so much for responding. I go through long periods when it seems that nobody in my real life cares about me, so all of your lovely posts are rather overwhelming and brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you bredalee, Erika, Jasmine, Tracy, Tina, Louise, Dragster, Karren, Diane, Racchel, Bev, Ginagirl. I've read every one of your posts carefully and now I need to digest them. Bev, I may print your entire post and try to get her to read it if that is OK ? You hit the nail on the head with your description of "groutchey, frustrated, moody, secretive partner who errs toward depression even on a good day." That is me, but it hasn't always been like that and your words were a reminder to me of how things have changed for the worse in the last six years of our stalemated relationship.

I'm not ashamed or proud to be a crossdresser, I just am. But I'm surely proud to be part of this fantastic group. Thanks again, everyone.

[sherell]

My wife use to help me dress. I've been dressing for 40+ years but lately she prefers me to dress on my own whitch is fine.Did you tell her before you married. If you love your wife finde a compromise. She dereves it. Cauld you except her dressing in mail clothes.

[janiecdbbw]

Sounds like a common story here. This is why these forums are so nice. Lots of good advice and support. With good communication, hopefully it will work out good for you .. We are pulling for you !

[Joanie]

Dearly wish I could help you. I can say you have company on this side of the Atlantic. My wife knows about it, but does not want to discuss. CDing isn't the cause though of a cooling of in our marriage--time and her devotion to work and her mother and all her mother's problems have kept her away from home far too often She views my CDing as some sort of substitute for her, I have gotten that out of her, at least. As for getting an easy going conversation going about it, with give and take, I might as well try talking to her in some Slavic language she wouldn't comprehend!

[Kimberley]

Okay here is a novel idea,
Find one of Julie York or Karen Hutton's more outrageous posts that really tickle you and let it go. She is sure to want to know what is so funny and just may see that this place is not a haven for head cases.

Just a thought.

:hugs:
Kimberley