I think I need help

[Kimberly]

For the second time, in my recent lifetime, I've been having problems with my CDing.

The problems I'm having aren't really clear, but it's really because of my situation at home - at least I think that's the root. It all started, actually, when a friend took me shopping on Wednesday, and I got several tops and a nice skirt . (You may have seen the pictures.) That's great... fantastic... I hadn't been shopping in ages. But since then, and since my dressing has become more and more time consuming over the last few days, I've been really down, and today I hit rock bottom.

All outward factors tell friends and family I should be happy at the moment. My place has been confirmed at Drama College, and I'll be going in a month's time. This is what I've worked up to for four or more years... and I should be bloody extatic. But I'm not.

...

My mum and I just had a chat (literally as I was writing this) and I feel a little better for talking to her. A lot of stuff is on the table with me at the moment and she thinks it's anxiety. The fact that I need to dress to releive it -- but i told her:

The problem I have at the moment is that I feel like my family isn't communicating to me how they're coping with my coming out, and I feel like my dad is avoiding the topic at all costs. I haven't talked to him about it since coming out, but my mum says he's had a bad time about it.

She said what I thought: Get some form of councilling help when I get to college, so I can talk about my dressing with someone on a regular basis. The plan to come out in college is probably still on the table, but before now I was looking at that situation through rosey glasses. Coming out doesn't automatically give me the right just to dress how I want in the shared accomadation I'll be staying in, nor does it automatically give me acceptance.

My mum asked, "But will coming out and dressing how you want make it better? Will it releive the problems of pent-up emotion?"
I said, "yes." I think it will, because I'll be able to express who I am without having to do it behind a barrier, which I am at the moment. But more problems will arise, and I'll have more fences to jump - but that is how life operates, isn't it?

I'm just muddled, (as you can tell from the post.) Please help, and offer any advice you can on my situation. xx

(My picture thread wouldn't mind some activity either ;))

[Butterfly Bill]

If you haven't actually been to college yet, it will probably be a lot different from the scene you are in now, and you can't really make any decisions until you have actually been there. Spending a lot of time right now worrying about what you are going to do is probably not too constructive. Yes, coming out there is definitely a good idea. How exactly you will do it you will have to figure out after you are actually there.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

kimberly
i hope you are doing better

and dont forget the dressing is for you to enjoy...perhaps your anxious about something else ...i know for me alot of times it gets all mixed up and my own personal issues dont stand apart from the dressing up (which has its own sets of pleasures and anxieties)

[angelfire]

I started college last year, and to be honest, it was a great experience. It is NOTHING like high school. In high school you are forced to take courses that really, you have no interest in. In college you are taking EXACTLY what you want. I started to genuinely enjoy school. True, it was stressful sometimes (Procrastinating never helps.), but overall, we pushed through and made it by first year. I made more friends than I can count, and have been having more fun than I have ever had before. I am actually anxious to start class again in just over a week.

Even if you don't come out right away, I am sure you will have the time of your life. I still haven't come out, and don't have any intentions of doing so for a while. I am happy with the way my life is right now, and thats what matters.

[Kimberly]

I am happy with the way my life is right now, and thats what matters.
That's the problem... I don't think I am. I feel constrained, not able to dress how I feel. I think a new group of people will help, because with some discussion I may be able to, but it'll still be difficult.

Only 3 weeks -- I must keep that in mind. :)

[tekla west]

Theatre is a notorious refuge for those too out there to feel comfortable doing anything else. 'Twas ever thus. But first concentrate on being there and what is required to be successful, (the craft of theatre is extremely difficult - many try, few make it) the rest will follow as you come to understand that any theatre academy is a lot different then living at home with mom and dad. I'm sure you will find that you are not even in the running for the strangest person there.

[Julie York]

I'd like to wade in on behalf of your poor Dad.

From what you have said in previous posts he sounds like a good man so I am going to try and balance things up a bit on his behalf.

Your Dad very probably loves you despite anything you do....but he has known you for a long time and the 'you' he knows has been a huge part of his life. You were and are his little boy. He's seen you grow up. He's played football, done this and that with his son.

What happens when someone comes out...is that they seriously rock and even destroy the image that everyone holds dear, of that person they know and care for. It's shocking. It's as if that person died and they have to totally reassess everything they previously thought.

Mostly, all they want is for it to all go away and for them to have their son back.

By the very fact that they haven't dismissed your desires and emotions, they are remarkable people. Give your Dad time and let him know that somewhere in there is the son he loves.

As to your general state of mind.....Change is scary, even if it is because of doing something you really want. It's just underlying anxiety. It comes out in different ways. I deal with it by robbing banks or streaking at International Rugby matches. :D

.

[KateLongman27]

Hi Kimberly,

Okay I'm going to assume that you're starting University soon, having been through Uni, I can advise you not to come out straight away as a cross dresser but wait for a year, this will give you time to build up friends since in the first term everyone will be clingy to each other and build friends fast.

However after the first term people usually start to go off into groups or cliques and after a year everyone you know will know you and vice versa, hence you should have a feeling how they're going to take you coming out.

As I once cross dressed for a whole day and as such I had one person stick with me as a few people gave me dodgy looks, that person was a true friend.

However on the very big plus side Universities do have great resources they're should be a welfare officer on the student union, my advice is to use that person by making a B-Line to them and explain your situation etc. they then should be able to put you in touch with societies or the organisations within the University to ensure that you're not alone or they may put you in touch with other cross dressers or the LGB Officer who may cover cross dressing.

Other than that I did hear a rumour from a girl at my Uni, she was a friend of a flat mate. She told me she dated this guy once and she drop the comment that he looked drop dead gorgeous in a black dress! Since he was a cross dresser!

Hope this helps

Kate

[Deborah_UK]

I'm not a prolific poster on these forums, but watch and read a lot.

I read Julie York's post, and without wishing to blow her trumpet for her, her post in response to this rings so many bells and gives a true perspective on the reality of Kimberley's situation, it is hard (and it would be wrong imo) to ignore the details within Julie's post, (apart from the robbing banks or streaking -- obviously :D )

My marriage failed (supposedly because I was crossdressing) and my ex took it upon herself to tell my mum, who in turn told my dad - it never stopped my dad believing in me, supporting me, bailing me out, but he still saw that I was his son, notwithstanding my gender issues. He'd always known me as his son, so why should that change. And out of respect and love for him I held back from being who I really feel to be. Sadly my dad died two years ago, I still miss him and I'm sure his spirit is with me, and he knows about Deborah and did know since 1982, but wouldn't acknowlege her existence - defence mechanism I guess.

I'm rambling now (bottle of cabernet sauvignon does that you know) but what I'm trying to say is - no matter what - your dad still loves you, and will be there for you.

And Julie York tells it as it is - no frills. (Does she rob banks while straking though? is there only a stocking for protection? :D )

[ElleCD]

Kimberly

You are putting yourself under alot of pressure at the moment. You have come out to family and friends; the excitement/anxiety of entering a new situation at College and your desire to be out from the beginning. Any one of these is emotionally draining. Trying to push ahead on three fronts would defeat most people. The advice from others is to take things more slowly on the issue of coming out at College and with your Dad. I would support that. Give yourself some time and space. Focus on settling into College. When you are settled with that think about what else you need to address. Remember that you are not resposnible for pushing everything forward in your life. Opportunities will come along naturally to porogress or resolve issues and leaving some things on the back burner is a sensible use of your energy not an abdication of responsibility.

[Kimberly]

Thanks Julie. I understand that he is a great person... and you're right, time is what is needed.

His son isn't going away... all of the time. :)

*Edit: Well, technically, he is going away -- to drama college. Whoops... let's get this right, shall we? ;)*