An HRT confession

[Caitlintgsd]

Ok. I've been a total shit. For the past 18 months. I've completely lied to my SO of 20 years for a totally selfish goal. And no, I don't really need a response to this about how selfish and self centered this is.
The reality of it is that I've been self injecting Estradiol for the last year and a half.

Without her knowledge.

I placed my goals above "ours" (not meaning to be sarcastic here).

So I confessed tonight.

I couldn't stand it anymore.

And She already knew about it.

Beyond the fact of certain developments beneath, uhm, the shirt. And all of the jeans I've been giving away because they were too damn tight in the hips.

I was more mellow and she had noticed that a long time ago (as per her words).

So we talked (after my being a sobbing idiot). And there are certain things about me that she appreciates more now.

And why? Because I was afraid of losing her. To lie to somebody because you Love them totally sucks. It really makes me feel like more of a shit.

So, what came out of it was that I'm going back into counseling. With the same counselor I had a couple of years ago. I think I was perhaps a bit too ashamed, or embarassed, to be totally honest about my feelings and who I am.

And, I found out that Tricia loves me. Regardless of who I am.

Or will be.

Even though I was a total self centered shit.

God almighty, sometimes I'm a total idiot.

[azure]

I can relate to your experience, Ive been there, and Ive been that shitty person(probably still am now). However, the important thing is that you are no longer existing on a path consisting of lies, technical adjustments to the truth, avoidance, and selfishness. You will and obviously have felt awful, and had some very desperate fellings, but over time(quite a bit of time Im afraid), it will get better. Tricia loves you for who you are, and that is a very precious thing. From my own experience, and from that incredible insight you get and wisdom from living through these hellish times, the key thing is to accept what youve done, say sorry, and learn, and then move on. Becuase we're not here to be suffer and be sad. Take care of you ok.

thanks for your time

[CaptLex]

Congratulations on getting your relationship going up a new and better path. I think that's called maturity. You may feel like a total shit (and I don't blame you), but if Tricia loves you this much, then there's something loveable about you, right? I wish you guys all the best. :thumbsup:

[SherriePall]

Caitlin -- Some of us have lied to our wives for a lot longer for the same reason. That we loved them and feared losing them if we told them the truth -- that we crossdressed. Now I realize it may not seem to be on the same level as what you wrote about, but to many of our wives when we finally came clean, it was on the same level -- that we lied about an important part of ourselves.
If it's any consolation, it is now seven years since I told mine and she still loves me.

[Sandra]

Well done for finally saying something to your wife. Just one thing though if you've been injecting have you had any checkups with a DR? nows the time maybe.

[Caitlintgsd]

Caitlin -- Some of us have lied to our wives for a lot longer for the same reason. That we loved them and feared losing them if we told them the truth -- that we crossdressed. Now I realize it may not seem to be on the same level as what you wrote about, but to many of our wives when we finally came clean, it was on the same level -- that we lied about an important part of ourselves.
If it's any consolation, it is now seven years since I told mine and she still loves me.

I think it's the same level. Just a different path. Thanks to all for the kind words. As for testing, yes, I have been monitored by an MD. Again, thanks to all.

[KrazyKat]

Congrats, Caitlin, for taking that "leap of faith" and making it to the next level of life with a partner. It's always a difficult thing, juggling who you are(when not within the society "norms") and who you may have presented yourself as before you became familiar with your "real" self.
To share, my relationship has undergone many changes in the last 2 years, and all are for the best, after the smoke cleared from the discovery. Hopin' this makes sense!!
We are closer than ever and I feel lucky still to have the opportunity to know and grow in this life's journey.:thumbsup:
:love:This is for your SO!! Sounds like a heck of a great person who really does want to share lifesyles with you!!

Great JOb!! Acknowledge what you did(which sounds like you have) and move forward to a new frontier!! Like already mentioned. We are all human, after all!!
Kat

[joanlynn28]

Caitlin I am happy for you to be able to have a wife that loves you just the way you are. Unfortunately for me the opposite is true, I am going to have to take this journey alone but I am glad that I have friends such as you that I can converse with.

[Caitlintgsd]

I e-mailed my previous counselor earlier today and she responded this evening. She's very receptive to my returning. She did state that perhaps I'd be more open this time around. She mentioned that she's "heard it all before". The last I'd heard was that she's seen over 500 people for gender issues. The last time I spent quite a bit of money and didn't get much out of it as I was being a bonehead. Hopefully things go better this time around.
Last time she said that I was a "crossdresser with escapism tendencies" (not that I'm implying anything derogitory towards anyone, it just wasn't who I am). I got real po'ed about that because I knew that it wasn't correct. On the other hand, I didn't give her much to work with. So in large, the blame sits in my lap.

[Kimberley]

Caitlin, ya just have to lay it out on the table for a counsellor. Anything less and you might as well set your bucks on fire. Believe me, if you have a good one then it is worth the effort and journey. You just wont believe the support you will get.

Best of Luck.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[cutechloe]

I'm not proud to say that over the last year or two I've stolen a bunch of HRT tablets that my fiancee forgot to take... which I had told her I disposed of. Anyway you're right, lying sucks, and for what? A couple of stupid pills that don't do anything anyway.

Well done on coming clean.

[Clare]

And, I found out that Tricia loves me. Regardless of who I am.

Or will be.What a woman! Continue with the honesty and openess and I think life will be great for the both of you in the future.

[Caitlintgsd]

What a woman! Continue with the honesty and openess and I think life will be great for the both of you in the future.

Yes, she is. She puts up with me. Everything that I like to do takes up huge amounts of room. A corner of the living room is stuffed with keyboards, keyboard stands, mixing boards and etc. I have the garage full of a car and all of the parts I've bought to re-do it. And she doesn't complain about our closet being packed full of clothes, mainly mine, but then again we're about the same size so she does borrow a lot. Unfortunately I have to hold off on the counseling thing for a bit as I lost my job yesterday. I applied for about 10 jobs in my field last night. Perhaps I'll hear something in a few days. At least I have some time to get things caught up around here.

[Caitlintgsd]

I've been having a dialogue with my previous couselor over the last couple of weeks. I did lapse last week and the week prior due to being busy as a result of losing my job. But anyway, I'll be starting back with her this coming Wednesday.