Monday

[DonnaT]

Well, Monday was my wife and mine's 31st wedding anniversary, a little over 30 in which she's known.

Worst anniversary ever. No "Happy anniversary", no card, nada. Except her telling me she could deal with it anymore. I was so heartbroken, I couldn't tell you all that was said, with any sense of accuracy.

I had a feeling she wasn't coping well, but on our anniversary? Took me a few weeks to find what I thought was the right gift, knowing it was kind of hard to follow up the trip the Hawaii for our 30th. She didn't even want to open the gift or card. She eventually opened it and gave it back to return. 'Twas an antiqued silver necklace, all open hearts linked together.

She talked of being depressed and wanting to die. I eventually, though found it very hard to do so, told her I'd rather see her decide to quit the marriage, although I didn't want it to happen, rather than she harm herself.

She couldn't believe I sad that, and left the house. She came back a few hours later, went upstairs and made a place in her sewing room to sleep. She then came down and gave me the ultimatum, choose her or Donna.

I explained I'd choose her, but Donna wasn't going anywhere. That I couldn't separate myself from me, etc.

Things are better today. She now knows for sure, Donna's here to stay.

One day at a time.

[Wendy me]

wow Donna that's rough .... well it seams that even though she was accpteing of Donna she still had issues with it. you know i have read many of your posts abought you and your wife's accptences and always wished that my wife was as accpteing as yours was ... now the tough part is after 31 years how do you mend the marriage?? or can you??

Donna i know your a smart person and with some thought you will think of what's right to do .... i can't say what that is because i haven't been there ..
only thing i can say is sorry to hear this and i hope that you two can do whats best for the bouth of you.....in my thoughts.......

[Sandra]

Donna I don't know what to say, what a bombshell I do hope you can both work through this.

[DonnaT]

Thanks ladies.

We've been through it before. She's back and forth on acceptance/tollerance. The ever present roller-coaster ride, I reckon

This time there was a lot of things building up, her working with a bunch of lazy a-holes, a new job she was chosen for in the Government with DEA, but a hiring freeze may occur before her security check is finished meaning she'll have to stay on with the current a-holes, a class she wanted to take on quilting in Houston, but signed up too late for and it was closed, and me.

I've never mentioned separation/divorce before, it's always my wife who brings it up. We talk/argue and get passed it. I vowed to myself that the next time (this last time) I would call her on it, and although very hard to do, I did.

Things were better last night. She talked to her supposed to be new boss about the hiring thing, and hopefully has come to realize being depressed about it ain't helping.

Tried to get her to see a doc about pills for depression, but she got angry at the idea.

[Jasmine Ellis]

DonnaT, I read this 3 times thinking what to say, I can't wish you a happy Anniversary cos its sounds you and your wife isn't.
30 years is a long time together to throw it all away. You got to talk to her and lisen to what she has to say. Nevertheless, I do feel for you and hope everything turn's out alright for you both

[JoAnnDallas]

Donna.....I know excatly what your talking about. My wife has MS and has had it for almost 26 years. She was diagnosted the year before we got married. It scared her so much, that at first she did not want to get married. Then we did and been married for 25 years now. She has rode that roller-coaster a lot too. Since MS causes good days and bad days. It got real bad back in 1999 and her doctor put on depresion meds. It turned out that the current problem was not the MS, but that she need a hip replacement. Once that was done, she was able to slowly get off the depression pills. She still has ups and downs and sometimes they do take a toll on me, but we too get thru those times.

[Tree GG]

I am new here - my SO has privately CD'd in lingerie all his life. I became aware near our 25th anniversary (almost 2 yrs ago). Just in the past few months he has requested help in going for the complete look, so I don't feel qualified to address any CD issues w/ any credibility but your story sounds so familiar I feel compelled to over my 2 cents.

When some of the anger passes, suggest your wife explore peri- & menopausal treatments. If she had a serious issue w/ Cd'g, I can't believe she could've lasted 30 yrs. Hormone fluctuations give us "the crazies" and it doesn't take too many stresses for the gaskets to blow and then everything blows out of proportion. Her feeling overwhelmed is very real and at that moment, she needs you to be a rock of support and tolerance until the storm passes - and it will. In my life, at those "crazy" times, I want the man I married to be anchor I can hold on to. I don't mind the CDing, but not then.

I've seen it suggested here many times to establish boundaries - as the emotional roller coaster goes, I think the boundaries have to flow with the ride depending on the day's environment. The emotional storm will pass and she just needs it to be about her for a few days.

Good luck!
Tree

[kathy gg]

Donna I am really sorry that you are not having a good week. It seems to me alot of times live's other stresses cause tension and for the wife still struggeling with cd stuff...it is an easy blame-point. Of course cding is not the issue, she sounds unhappy and was looking for a place to vent her flustrations which would get to you. I guess that happens after co-habitating for 30 years? My mom and Dad are going on something like 41 or 42 years and there is always something driving one of them crazy about the other one. To be honest, that is a really long time to be with another person, I can see how after that long alot of things will get on one's nerve.

Maybe it is good you stood by your guns {or is that heels?}

[Nicole_P]

Hang in there Donna- I know too well what you are going through- sending healing thoughts your way...

Nicole

[sandra-leigh]

Tried to get her to see a doc about pills for depression, but she got angry at the idea.

I've been there, including to the point where I could not make an appointment for myself (but could go if someone else made the appointment for me.)

I didn't know what was wrong with me, just that I was in very bad shape. Until one day I happened to read a volunteer-recruitment ad that listed a dozen symptoms of Depression and said that if you had 3 or more you might be Depressed... and I had 11 of the 12 symptoms. The doctor's waiting room had a chart with 10 Depression symptoms, and I had all of them.

Socially there has been a lot of subtexts implying that Depression is a Mental Illness. It turns out, though, that in a lot of cases the causes are very much physical causes. A lot of depression is very treatable, sometimes even literally curable.

Depression does tend to build up, much the same way that a car engine runs increasingly poorly when it needs a tune-up. Treatment for depression can make a big difference to overall health. A couple of pills a day can make an amazing difference all around.

Note: if your wife has depression and anxiety both, then without medical treatment the condition can deteriorate, including potentially to the point of "hearing things", as sensory stimulus sort of "overflow" and get misprocessed.

[DonnaT]

Thanks everyone!:hugs:

[Melanie R]

Donna, I can appreciate what you are going through. Donna will not go away and your wife has to accept that fact. My ex wife of 20 years and her family gave me an ultimatum of the marriage or Melanie - one had to go. I chose Melanie and have never looked back. Hopefully your wife will appreciate that she has the man of her dreams even if he enjoys being Donna sometimes. Keep the faith.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Kandi]

I hope the two of you can ride out another storm. Sounds like what was previously said, that your the easiest target to unload on. Hope everything works out.

[Melissa A.]

Donna I've always considered you one of the rocks of our family. Always helpful, ready to give support, advice or helpful information, and never an unkind word about anyone. I've always admired you. Alot. I knew from some of your posts that your wife was back and forth on this, but not to the degree you now describe. You are in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you the best, sweetie, you deserve it. Your integrtity always comes through. I hope this is something you get through successfully, and both find a way to be happy together, I sincerelely do. Never hesitate to let us know how you're doing. We want to be here for you, whenever you need an ear, or a shoulder.


Wishing you strength and luck.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi Donna,

I was really down when I read this post of your unhappy anniversary. I always enjoy reading your calm and reasoned posts, and even now you seem to be displaying a mature calmness, which is very admirable.

I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts. Hopefully time, patience, understanding and possibly some medication for your wife will turn this situation around.

I wish all the best to you.

Hugs,

Missy Anne's GG

[Marla S]

A rough one. I am very sorry about your story, but it is good that it gets a bit better now.


Tried to get her to see a doc about pills for depression, but she got angry at the idea.

Try to find something to read about depressions. I might help to make her clear that depressions are no mental illness (I think this is a big fear) but more of a metabolism malfunction and modern antidepressants are no psycho drugs.
SSRIs have almost no side effects, have no effect if you don't have depressions, but will make her feel better if she has depressions.

This way my ex convinced me, I took them, and didn't regret it.

(I she is willing to take them, this might be the right time to talk about Donna again)

[DonnaT]

Thanks again ladies.

As time goes by. Last night we had dinner out and held hands, etc.

:gh: