Facing the relatives

[fionasboots]

Well, things seem to be going okay between my wife and I at the moment, I expect some problems when I go away on business again since I'm allowed to dress then (this is part of the 'rules' I've agreed to) and there probably will be some tears when my clothes come back to the house before then. We're trying to work things out and we both agree this is better than just splitting.

My wifes parents on the other hand don't seem to think this and there is now an awful lot of tension between them and myself (they don't want to see or speak to me) and also my wife.

The main reason for my wifes problem with her parents, specifically her mother, is that she was asked (by my wife) not to tell anyone else when all of this came out - much in the same way as you'd ask a close friend to keep secrets.

My mother-in-law proceeded to tell my father-in-law - which is understandable and I don't think my wife has a problem with this.

She then went on to tell my wife's brother who ultimately told his wife. These two and their kids live about 5 minutes away from us and while we don't see them that much we certainly do get quite a bit of baby-sitting to do and also we pop over sometimes to ask for help with something and vice versa.

We've not seen them yet but I can see that this is going to be rather awkward ... I'm hoping that the reactions that my wife reported will continue:
they both laughed apparently - my brother-in-law said "that's why he doesn't want to come down to the pub" and my sister-in-law asked what size shoes I wear in case there were any she could borrow!

So, now that all the initial shock and everything is out of the way, I wonder how I (and they and my wife) will cope going forward. Can anyone else comment on how relatives have taken this? It seems they are okay(ish) but I don't know how awkward is it going to be.

[Robin Leigh]

Well, things seem to be going okay between my wife and I at the moment, I expect some problems when I go away on business again since I'm allowed to dress then (this is part of the 'rules' I've agreed to) and there probably will be some tears when my clothes come back to the house before then. We're trying to work things out and we both agree this is better than just splitting.
Welcome back, Fiona! :hugs: It sounds like your wife is willing to make this work, somehow. Good luck!


The main reason for my wifes problem with her parents, specifically her mother, is that she was asked (by my wife) not to tell anyone else when all of this came out - much in the same way as you'd ask a close friend to keep secrets.
I think it's a good sign that your wife is upset with her mother over this. It shows that her family ties to her mother don't overpower her bonds to you. And it may teach the mother that she can't just emotionally bully her daughter.

Sorry I can't really help with the question about the relatives. I haven't been in that situation. But from what you've said so far about them, it sounds like there is plenty of potential for your brother in-law & sister in-law to be more positive about your CDing than their parents. They may even help the older generation come to terms with it, eventually. Give it time. Let them joke about it and laugh with them; humour relieves tension.

Robin

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Fiona,

My wife Nancy and I have a similar situation with her family. She told her sister, who told their father. Father tried to disown me and bully Nancy into divorcing me. She stood up to that (good on her!), but he doesn't like me. Truth is, he never did. And the feeling's pretty much mutual, although I've come to respect him more over the years (until this).

Sounds like your brother and law and his wife will be fine. About her parents? Support your wife, gently encourage her to support you. Stand together, stand tall. Be as nice to her parents as they'll permit--offer to help when they need it, and so on.l Soon enough her folks will realize they can cut the two of you off, but it will only be their loss. They'll become more moderate with time, I'm sure. This too shall pass.

Sincerely,
Rikki

[Deborah_UK]

I'm pleased that you and your wife are working at this, and it sounds like she may well get some support (of the positive kind) from her brother and sister-in-law, they seem to have accepted the situation in a mature (albeit making light of it) matter of fact way.

I can understand you parents-in-law reacting this way - they still look ontheir daughter as their little girl and want to protect her, so anything that potentially damages her - they are going to be anti.

Question - how did you get on with your in-laws before the revelation by your wife? If there was a good relationship in the past they may come round. How are your parents reacting now?

Hang in there Fiona. It won't be easy, but at least you are talking and still together.

Thinking of you.

Debs

[Raychel]

When I first told my wife that I was a crossdresser, she was very crying and upset. She called her mother and told her. Her mothers reply was "Is that all", kinda like so what is the big deal. The first time I saw her after my wife told her I was a little nervous about the tension that might be there. There was absolutely none. She truely didn't care one way or another.

The only concern that I had with my mother inlaw knowing is the fact that she can't keep a secret. Her sister and a group of other people go to dinner on Friday nights. In that group is my father. I would rather that my father didn't find out this detail.

But the cards have been dealt, and we will see over time how it all plays out. But for now, those who know could really care less.

[Sandra]

Only my mum knows about Nigella, and she just don't understand or doesn't want to , her first question to me was " so there's no sex then" I said "why say that" to which she replied "well hes' gay then". I can understand your wifes parents to some extent she is their little girl and they want to take care of her, but your mother in law shouldn't have gone telling people. You are both old enough they should leave it alone and let the two of you sort it out, but be there if needed.

As for the other relatives it seems as though they may be ok you will just have to wait and see with that one. As for our relatives we don't see any of them and they don't know about Nigella, I can imagine some of the responses if they met her though. :heehee:

[DonnaT]

Well, things seem to be going okay between my wife and I at the moment
Good to hear Fiona.

The only relative my wife told was her grandma, and she had no problem with it. There's never been an awkward moment between us.

My inlaws were against me from the get go. Religious bias. However, I've won them over. If they were to find out, no skin off my nose. I'm not a bit ashamed of being trans.

Just tell them you are the same person they've always known, and that underneath what ever you choose to wear, you still love your wife as much as you ever have.

Tell them you don't want to make an issue of it, and that if they do, it will only hurt their daughter, then ask them if they want to hurt her.

[kathy gg]

Oh Fiona, this is one of those cats I sure wish had never escpaed the bag.

I wish your wife had forseen the possible reactions from her mom. I know what my mom's reactions would be and that is why I will not let her know.

But...I am soo soo happy to hear that your wife has come up with some boundaries...those are really important for her to attain some level of control over the situation. I know people might hate that word "control" and I am not saying to CONTROL you...but she had no control in making a decision to marry a crossdresser, now at least she will have a say in what her level of involvement is...and if she is cool with you dressing on trips and being aware...then heck I think she desevers some input. And you are being smart to not make any promises to stop ....I think being blunty honest is probably going to be a huge life saver for you.

I bet your son was sure happy to have his dad and mom back together. Thanks for the update and please please dont' get to worked up over yoru MIL. She convicted and sentenced you the day this got revealed. Let's just hope your wife si strong enough to make judgement calls on her future with you without getting tainted advice from good ol' mom.

[fionasboots]

I'm pleased that you and your wife are working at this, and it sounds like she may well get some support (of the positive kind) from her brother and sister-in-law, they seem to have accepted the situation in a mature (albeit making light of it) matter of fact way.


Yep, a limited amount of humour I can take and this is obviously a MUCH better reaction than downright hostility!



I can understand you parents-in-law reacting this way - they still look ontheir daughter as their little girl and want to protect her, so anything that potentially damages her - they are going to be anti.


I agree entirely, any defensive response is certainly understandable.



Question - how did you get on with your in-laws before the revelation by your wife? If there was a good relationship in the past they may come round. How are your parents
reacting now?


I got on fine with mother and father in-law, never really had much in common with either and usually just had to endure the going-down-to-the-pub-with-father-in-law and try and make conversation. So no real problems as such.

Got on fine with wifes brother no problem and I could at least talk about techie things with him, his wife is also fine and got on well with them. I would imagine that, should their opinion of my revelation stay they same that I should, after some awkward times, be able to get on with them without any other problems.

My parents do really seem to be holding up pretty well, in fact thinking about it I should really make an very big effort to tell them this (haven't had time to talk to them since getting back).



Hang in there Fiona. It won't be easy, but at least you are talking and still together.

Thinking of you.

Debs

Thanks :hugs:

[mollytyler]

Single so no SO to come out to. However, the second person I came out to was my sister (the first another story-but good one) - a great support in my life from then to now. Found a pic of mw at 15 when I revealed Molly to Jillian (my sister) and one on my first shoping trip with her in NYC. Hope they upload as not the birghtes computer user here-lol

[Kate Simmons]

Well, things seem to be going okay between my wife and I at the moment, I expect some problems when I go away on business again since I'm allowed to dress then (this is part of the 'rules' I've agreed to) and there probably will be some tears when my clothes come back to the house before then. We're trying to work things out and we both agree this is better than just splitting.

My wifes parents on the other hand don't seem to think this and there is now an awful lot of tension between them and myself (they don't want to see or speak to me) and also my wife.

The main reason for my wifes problem with her parents, specifically her mother, is that she was asked (by my wife) not to tell anyone else when all of this came out - much in the same way as you'd ask a close friend to keep secrets.

My mother-in-law proceeded to tell my father-in-law - which is understandable and I don't think my wife has a problem with this.

She then went on to tell my wife's brother who ultimately told his wife. These two and their kids live about 5 minutes away from us and while we don't see them that much we certainly do get quite a bit of baby-sitting to do and also we pop over sometimes to ask for help with something and vice versa.

We've not seen them yet but I can see that this is going to be rather awkward ... I'm hoping that the reactions that my wife reported will continue:
they both laughed apparently - my brother-in-law said "that's why he doesn't want to come down to the pub" and my sister-in-law asked what size shoes I wear in case there were any she could borrow!

So, now that all the initial shock and everything is out of the way, I wonder how I (and they and my wife) will cope going forward. Can anyone else comment on how relatives have taken this? It seems they are okay(ish) but I don't know how awkward is it going to be.Relatives are relatives, Hon. Sometimes can be a real PITA especially the wife's side. He (meaning me) should be doing this and he should be doing that, yadda, yadda. They have excellent 20/20 hindsight, who doesn't? Problem is they are not me and I have my own standards, ergo the friction. Ericka Kay

[Stephenie S]

Fiona, this is wonderful news. I am so happy things seem to be getting back on an even keel.

I would not say ANYTHING to your wife's sister and her husband. Don't bring it up, and don't talk about it unless they do. Then you can just answer any questions honestly. This way you let them be as interested as they want to be. It does sound good that they both treated it lightly. This is the only truely good reaction you want.

Personally, I have told only one sister and a cousin. Perhaps they will say something to other relative. Perhaps not. I have decided that I can no longer hide this, and let the chips fall where they may. I am not going to make a big deal about it, though. It's going to be, "Yeah, I do that, so . . .?". This is sort of the tack I have taken at work and it seems to be working there.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Lady Jayne]

I'm hoping that the reactions that my wife reported will continue:
they both laughed apparently - my brother-in-law said "that's why he doesn't want to come down to the pub" and my sister-in-law asked what size shoes I wear in case there were any she could borrow!


Fiona your brother and sister-in-law sound cool, the only way you could have had a better reaction is if she had said lets go down to the pub for a girly night out, and he had asked about borrowing the shoes! :D

hopefully their reaction will ease some of your wifes fears and allow her to become more accepting over time. as for her parents I would concider taking the high ground and encourage her to forgive them, " I know she betrayed your trust darling but I'm sure she thought she had your best interests at heart" show her you are the better man err... woma.. err well you know what I mean.