she may have to go

[julie w]

when I think my gf is ok with my( hobby ) usually joking about it ,then comes
a comment -this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine , she has never
seen me dressed and I dont push it on her , how can I live with a women
when her attitude changes with the wind ? my reply was maybe I should pick on you like
the extra weight you have put on this year ,

[Melissa A.]

I may have alot of girl in me, Julie, but I still have alot of guy in me, too. And I can state with total confidence that a crack about your gfs weight gain will NOT help you!! uh-uh. bad move. What're you, on crack??!??? There may be lotsa ways to get her to accept this, but that ain't one of 'em, sister! Can you spell D-O-G-H-O-U-S-E?

Ok, I've picked on ya enough, sorry, honey. But really. Don't do that. I would just continue to keep it low key for now, and be glad she is not 100% hostile about it. Let her know it's not going to go away. You'll know after a while if she is the one for you.

Hugs,

Melissa:happy:

[Ashley in Virginia]

how can I live with a women
when her attitude changes with the wind ?

Dude, this is typical female behavior. If you cant deal with it, you are probably not fit to live with any woman. And what was her reply when you called her fat?

[vbcdgrl]

I agree with all the respondants so far. Your gf obviously is uncomfortable with your CDing. She, like so many other GGs, cannot deal with this guy that wants to be a girl. And you really rubbed salt in the wound with the weight comment. I wouldn't blame her if she left or threw you out, whichever!

Vikki

[GG Vanya]

Ummm with an attitude like that, the thread title most probably should be "I may have to go" as in; she may kick you to the curb *first*!

While I have no way of knowing your age, or how long you've been in this relationship with your gf, but I'd say it's a safe bet *you* aren't exactly the same as you were when she met you! Unless of course, you've found that elusive fountain of youth, or some miraculous way to prevent aging~make the clock of life stand still for ya.

I would suggest you invite her here for some advice from other GG's, but I'd hate for her to see the things you say about her.

[Rachel Morley]

.....how can I live with a women when her attitude changes with the wind ? my reply was maybe I should pick on you like the extra weight you have put on this year ,
...now honestly....come on...that wasn't a very helpful comment was it?

:loser:

[Wendy me]

want a loving supportive wife ?? want someone who will understand you?? want someone that accepts you as you are ??? good luck if you are not doing these things for her don't be surprised if she is not doing them for you.........

[Lindsay Marie]

want a loving supportive wife ?? want someone who will understand you?? want someone that accepts you as you are ??? good luck if you are not doing these things for her don't be surprised if she is not doing them for you.........


Right on there sister

[Ellie]

I haven't had a wife or GF yet that didn't waffle a bit on just about every aspect of our relationship. It is normal, first she thinks that it is okay, then she thinks that you are going to leave or join the "other team".

The best advice I can give is for you to try and be understanding and talk to her about your CDing as a friend. Don't take the things she says as personal attacks but rather as her attempting to understand and become comfortable with it.

As for the fat comment, not a smooth move with most women.

Although, when my GF gains a little weight she is just more beautiful to me!

[KateW]

Women can be very temperamental at times. It can be disappointing or even hurtful when previous support seemingly dissolves (I too have experienced this in some degree). However, crossdressing is a huge thing for the best of us to come to terms with - let alone our partners. Give her time, and consider that the fact that she is still with you after finding out is a bonus. Of course, she shouldn’t expect you to change or suppress a facet of your personality, but it’s probably best not to bring up her weight either! Be considerate, and hopefully she will realise that clothes don’t make the man, or whichever gender you most identify with!

[Marla S]

MAN OR A WOMAN (Gosh :rolleyes: )


when I think my gf is ok with my( hobby ) usually joking about it ,then comes
a comment -this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine , she has never
seen me dressed and I dont push it on her , how can I live with a women
when her attitude changes with the wind ? my reply was maybe I should pick on you like
the extra weight you have put on this year ,

IMO you made three fundamental mistakes.
First: Your SO should have known from the very beginning (same old story). Than she would have known "what" she married.
Second: Never pique someone. Never ever pique someone who piqued you. You go down to the same weak position.
Third: Never blame someone for being overwight. Either they feel good this way, than it is not up to you to decide that they shouldn't. Or they are unhappy about it, than empathy and support is required but no mortification (intended mortification or a unintended mortification without an excuse is the most cowardly anyway).

Changing attitudes: She should get the chance to judge about your dressing on the basis of founded arguments and not due to stereotypes and prejudices. So, learning by her, carefull and tastefull dressing by you and talking with each other is important. (Requires a bit of an open mind by her and a lot of empathy by you)
The result of a stabilized view might be that she is finally convinced that it is not hers. Than it would be time for a breakup. If she gets a more positve view, this could improve your relationship.

BTW: Sometimes I get the feeling that in doubt the CD is made the malfactor.

[trannie T]

When she asks, "Does this make my butt look big?" never, never, never, ever
tell her the truth.

[JD Jade Dream GG]

My STBX CD hubby
hurt me .................

wh***! Oh my excuse me, wrong forum. I'm just going to skip outta her and go to divorce support for a while. Need support for me, he's here to get support for himself. I apologize for the intrusion.

[Marla S]

He's 44. He has 5 kids. She's 27. He's an idiot :Angry3: (A charactersitic that is independend from CDing).


Need support for me, he's here to get support for himself.
I hope you will find and get every support you need.
My best wishes and thoughts to you and your children. Hope you will have better times again very soon.

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Jade Dream,

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your five kids. I too wish you all the best in the world, including all the support you need.

Hugs,
Rikki

[admirerplus GG]

Dude, this is typical female behavior...

Julie,

I can not say that I would agree with Ashley's perspective. Every person needs time to adjust and to accept a change in their relationship. In my opinion, both men and women are known to change their mind and or mood just like the "wind".

With regard to having an expectation of acceptance...It seems to me that it is more about mutual respect. In my view, respect is about accepting something about another person even if we do not necessarily understand it or agree with it.

I suggest that if you try to respect your partner more, she will probably respect you more as well. Give her some time.

[ChristineRenee]

Wow...that's a pretty insensitive remark Julie. You want understanding and support with your cd'ing...that certainly isn't the way to go about getting it. It's as tough an issue for an SO to understand...maybe tougher in many respects...as it is for ourselves to understand us. It calls for mutual respect and communication between the two of you...and a lot of patience as well.

[Shellie]

My STBX CD hubby
claims to want a 21 year old hard bodied....
Makes me feel fat and ugly. Old too, I'm 41. Not too fat and not too ugly.
He left me to sleep with his 26 year old hard bodied beautiful secretary.
The one he was 'Just friends with" until 3 days after he left!
He's 44. He has 5 kids. She's 27. A philandering, climbing the ladder, make friends with the boss, his wife and his kids, home wrecking
wh***! Oh my excuse me, wrong forum. I'm just going to skip outta her and go to divorce support for a while. Need support for me, he's here to get support for himself. I apologize for the intrusion.

You have my support. If what you say is true, then your husband sounds like a despicable person.

[audrey-1960]

Just make sure you get a better lawyer than him, he will end up a broke 44 year old with out anyone.

[Sandra]

when I think my gf is ok with my( hobby ) usually joking about it ,then comes
a comment -this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine , she has never
seen me dressed and I dont push it on her , how can I live with a women
when her attitude changes with the wind ? my reply was maybe I should pick on you like
the extra weight you have put on this year ,


Comments like that and you wonder why her attitude changes. :Angry3:

[Tina Dixon]

It seems to me you two have reached the end of the road, its probably time to move on.

[suzy]

Sheeeeeeez.... I try to be as constructive here as I can and I can't remember ever leaving a negative message.....but the best that I can do is to ask.... Have you considered that maybe you have the problem and not her....in a constructive kind of question? Think about it....:2c:

[Marla S]

Ok ladies, I know I won't get an answer, but anyway:

1. Have you ever considered that saying "this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine" might be invidious and offending, and has been the trigger of julie's reply ?

2. Why is it that hurting a CD's feelings is less noteworthy ?

3. What's so wrong with overwight, that almost all of you have to goof on julie ?

[julie w]

thanks everbody for your advise good and bad ,I was maybe a bit hasty
about my post ,we dont live together (yet) so no legal problems and she has
know about about my cd ing for most of the 5 years we have been together
we have made up , we tend to get at each other from time to time she thinks its healthy , maybe she is right

[Melinda G]

How many times do I have to post this? Never, ever come out to anyone, and never let your wife or girlfriend see you dressed! For every one that is "OK" with it, ten are not!
Most wives and girlfriends want a man, and when that illusion is gone, so are they!
Would you suddenly want to see your wife or girlfriend with a "butch" haircut, jeans and workboots, with hairy legs? I didn't think so.
Most of us put on some nylons, heels, dress and makup, and think we are Sharon Stone. The rest of the world doesn't see us that way.
Just enjoy the crossdressing for what it is, and keep it your little secret. And after a breakup, it could be used against you in a divorce proceeding, or custody battle, or even at work.

[tekla west]

How many times do I have to post THIS? Come out from the beginning, be free, meet girls who would like you for who you are, all lies will out, nature hates secrets. Be up front from the start, life goes better that way.

[Shelly Preston]

How many times do I have to post this? Never, ever come out to anyone, and never let your wife or girlfriend see you dressed! For every one that is "OK" with it, ten are not!
Most wives and girlfriends want a man, and when that illusion is gone, so are they!
Would you suddenly want to see your wife or girlfriend with a "butch" haircut, jeans and workboots, with hairy legs? I didn't think so.
Most of us put on some nylons, heels, dress and makup, and think we are Sharon Stone. The rest of the world doesn't see us that way.
Just enjoy the crossdressing for what it is, and keep it your little secret. And after a breakup, it could be used against you in a divorce proceeding, or custody battle, or even at work.

What ever happened to honesty Melinda

I told my wife and it was not easy but neither was living a lie
What if you get caught, deciet and betrayal will be the words she will use.
Yes you hould tell your wife/SO before getting married

Sometimes you have to be careful if you decide to tell, but never is a long time

[raquel]

that was a cheap shot.
you should know that GG can have problems with weight and
confidence,and you want her to understand your CD'ing?

[Sandra]

How many times do I have to post this? Never, ever come out to anyone, and never let your wife or girlfriend see you dressed! .


For many it is not coming out, it's the lies, the deciet ect that causes the problems. I always thought a relationsip worked on honesty on both side.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AmberTG]

Hi Jade Dream, sounds like what people usually refer to as a "mid life crisis", what a bunch of crap! I'm sorry you got the sh**** end of the deal. At least my X had been having an affair with another man for a year before I started dating another, younger, woman. Her open minded attitude towards my issues is what attracted me to her, not her age, I was uncomfortable with the age difference for quite a while. I have sense discovered that one of the biggest problems with an age difference marrage is the different level of attention necessary to make the relationship work. In your 40s and 50s your comfortable with letting the spouse "do their own thing" when it's not a shared interest, in your 20s and 30s it doesn't seem to work that way. When you mix one of each, it really causes friction. He'll be sorry, the instability in his life from this will take it's toll on him.
Amber

[Sejd]

Sounds like you need to sit down and talk to your gf about how important it is to you to be a CD, how much you love her and want to work on mutual respect in your relationship. Mocking is not goig to win her over!!!

[ChristineRenee]

Ok ladies, I know I won't get an answer, but anyway:

1. Have you ever considered that saying "this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine" might be invidious and offending, and has been the trigger of julie's reply ?

2. Why is it that hurting a CD's feelings is less noteworthy ?

3. What's so wrong with overwight, that almost all of you have to goof on julie ?

Well...you're going to get an answer from me Marla:

1. That is why she needs to dialog with her...not get into a verbal pissing match. You don't resolve differences by disrespecting the other person in the relationship.

2. It isn't...but retaliation doesn't "even" the score either. It creates a lose/lose situation with respect for each other being the ultimate victim.

3. It is a very sensitive issue with women. My wife is overweight...has been since her youth. She is very sensitive about it and has had self-esteem issues resulting from it all of her life. I can't imagine EVER making a statement to my wife that Julie did to her SO. I have always accepted Penny for who she is and what she is about. Her weight has never been an issue for me. It is one of the reasons that we are together in the first place...because we have always made the supreme effort to accept each other for who and what we are and not tried to "mold" the other into some ideal vision of what we would like the other to be.

[Marla S]

Dear Tamara,


Would you mind explaining what is so insulting about that?

1.) Obviously this remark made an impact, otherwise it wouldn’t have been mentioned in this context and wouldn't have provoked an unwise reply.
My conclusion: Because it is not a positive remark, it did hurt (correct me if I am wrong).
If so, it doesn’t matter if you, me or anyone else sees it as offending, it only matters that julie sees it as offending. Therefore this should have taken into account by your replies.

2.) Personally I would feel offended or rejected, because one of my innermost characteristics makes someone else shiver, though I am not a killer, raper, slugger or the like.
This is almost like being convicted innocent by the person I feel closest to and which might be the only one I can hope for understanding. From my personal experience, I can tell you: This can eat your soul. Something I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy.

I argue on the assumption that it hasn’t been julie SO’s intention to hurt, and it probably is kind of a “cry for help” as she might not have someone to talk to. I agree with you on that (What about inviting julies SO to the GG forum ?)
Nevertheless, IMO this is no excuse to withdraw the help for julie (and others; not the first case) even if her reply might be seen as offending too.
To cant like “And you wonder why she behaves like that ?” or similar, doesn’t help anybody, neither julie’s SO nor julie. (BTW, these phrases confuse "post" and reply (cause and effect), as far as we can read it from julie's post)


Retaliating by saying 'oh but you're so fat'..... is that right? No it certainly is not. It's what I call 'childish tit for tat' 'grow up' behaviour!!!!!
If you would have read my posts carefully, I never said that the reply was right (though I have a bit of understanding for such a reply; not because of the argument, but because of the situation). And I don’t say now it is right. It is indeed wrong and unwise.



3. What's so wrong with overwight, that almost all of you have to goof on julie ? Would you ever say in retaliation to your wife 'oh I'm sick of you being so fat' ?? If my Tam EVER said that to me, she'd be OUT THE DOOR!!!
I totally agree with you on that.

If you could agree that the same should hold true for CDing, we are on the same side.
Otherwise not.

Regards,

Marla

[Bev06 GG]

my reply was maybe I should pick on you like
the extra weight you have put on this year ,
Aww come on this is a joke right. As if any one would say that to his girl and live to tell the tale.
BEVxxxxx

[CDsWifey GG]

How many times do I have to post this? Never, ever come out to anyone, and never let your wife or girlfriend see you dressed! For every one that is "OK" with it, ten are not!
Most wives and girlfriends want a man, and when that illusion is gone, so are they!
Would you suddenly want to see your wife or girlfriend with a "butch" haircut, jeans and workboots, with hairy legs? I didn't think so.
Most of us put on some nylons, heels, dress and makup, and think we are Sharon Stone. The rest of the world doesn't see us that way.
Just enjoy the crossdressing for what it is, and keep it your little secret. And after a breakup, it could be used against you in a divorce proceeding, or custody battle, or even at work.
What a horrible thing to say! :Angry3: y'know Im actually madder about this than about that brainless wieght comment! Ok, so for you and for some others, the "right" thing for them may be to remain closeted, but for some the true happiness and true expression of self cannot come unless they share who they really are with another, and are accepted and encouraged. Some marriages do work on honesty you know...And by the way, when my husband met me I was introduced to him as a lesbian, wearing a flannel shirt, blue jeans (to hide my hairy legs:heehee: ) and big lumberjack boots and he fell for me so hard he has never recovered...I have shaved my head and while he could have wept with sorrow ( hes always loved my hair long) he still loved me, and I love his big breasted long haired self and we are having a blast sharing in his crossdressing and if he had read something like your post say, the day before coming to me with the truth, it probably would have robbed both of us of something special... if your post is because that is how you feel for you and your life , fine, even state it as your opinion, but dont try to encourage ppl to hold onto the lies and the secrets in their relationships, that is just wrong.

sorry if this sounds too harsh, the "I probably shouldn't say that" button seems to be broken it has been a rough week :heehee:

[Melinda G]

Like I said. for every SO or wife that is OK with it. Ten aren't!
Take a poll. See how many of us remain married after coming out.
You talk about honesty, then you all say you shouldn't say anything when the wife gets fat. Either you are honest and up front, or you are not! If your wife or girlfriend looks fat or dumpy in an outfit, be honest and up front and tell her! Then pack your bags!

[Deborah]

Well since it' still early in the relationship i wouldn't worry to much about what she says. If she was as turned off by it as she makes out then she wouldn't want to be around you anymore.

Or she may just be one of those people that think they can change you. Who knows....Good luck.

[tekla west]

So,for every nine that don't there is one who does, sounds like you give up way too easy. One in ten odds, I'll take that, no problems so far, but I look in the right places too. If you are upfront from the start then you don't have these problems down the road. If you were honest from the start you would not find yourself living a lie and hiding in a closet. People make their own bed, then they lie in them, if your is Procrustean, well who made that choice? For all the people that are caught in that lie, there others who are out enjoying themselves, having a life, doing what they want, they did that through being honest. First to themselves, then to others. Once that happens the world opens up. Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be. They decide that like adults, they don't hide, they don't lie, they don't settle.

[julie w]

Im sorry If I have upset some of you ladys about the weight thing but its a fact whether you like it or not carrying to much weight is a health issue
and my gf has had three operations in 10years she should no better , and I was up front about my cd ing from the start so she must wont to stay, I am not
stopping her from leaving , I have bought up three kids now its time for me
to do some of the things that I enjoy ,with or without a womens consent

[tekla west]

I'm all for you doing what you want. If one person does not like it, then there is someone else who will, but no need to make someone feel bad on the way out, just get and hit it, life is too short to be unhappy. And yes, its a health issue, a growing one, and many do choose to let the knife and fork dig their gave, and there is no need for anyone to sit around and watch someone they care about kill themselves with drink, or drugs, or food or whatever. So get on with it then, don't waste you time hurting her when you could and should be helping yourself. Get on with it.

[julie w]

yes you are probably right in that case tamra but ,I do care or I would have moved on a long time ago , what time is it in the uk ? I was in nottingham
in february we may have past on the street !

[Bev06 GG]

Ok ladies, I know I won't get an answer, but anyway:

1. Have you ever considered that saying "this crossdressing sends shivers down my spine" might be invidious and offending, and has been the trigger of julie's reply ?

2. Why is it that hurting a CD's feelings is less noteworthy ?

3. What's so wrong with overwight, that almost all of you have to goof on julie ?

Absolutely Marla, I am sure that Julie was very hurt by her partners response to her dressing. However, responding with another unkind remark smacks of children playing in the park. Unfortunately as CDing isn't socially acceptable yet, and goes against what most people perceive to be the norm, its the CD who has to meet people more than half way if he wants acceptance and understanding. Unfair but true. Its the same with any minority group. Once you start fighting back with the same kind of ammunition your onto a loser.
As for there being nothing wrong with being fat. Most women and probably alot of guys, have a real problem with the way they look, and being overweight doesn't always lend itself to being a confident outgoing person. Which is why Julies remarks would have been everybit as hurtful as his G/Fs
Take care
BEVxxxx

[Marla S]

Bev,

thanks for your reply. I subscribe to every word, even that it is up to the CD to meet people more than half way, though this is almost impossible by it's very nature (unfair indeed, but this place is called earth and not paradise).
But if it is impossible even on a support-forum for TGs to bring up enough empathy, courtesy and a balanced view for a question by a TG to see things from the TG's perspective too, this makes me scared and frustrated.

Is it so difficult to answer in a way like:
You made a wrong and offending remark and your SO made a wrong and offending remark (or the other way round !!! confusing cause and effect is also very popular!). This is messed up, so let's see where the way out could be and how we could help.

Instead the reply often is, in particular if something is said that might be interpreted as critique against GGs:
Ok ladies and gurls. Ready ! Let's go beat'em up. (a bit polemic, I know).

All I beg for is empathy and courtesy for the TG folks and a balanced view on their concerns. As this is a CD forum and not an overwight forum we should have focused on the CD's problems and possible solutions, the more as julie's SO isn't here and can't talk about her feelings (unfair indeed, but this place is called earth and not paradise).

This doesn't mean that TG folks can't be criticized, the contrary as there would be a lot to say. And it doesn't mean that GGs should vanish, the contrary the more GGs are here, participate and even criticize the better. A bit more of empathy and courtesy by both sides couldn't harm though.

[Calliope]

Every now and then, the obvious ironic come to mind ...

So many of us are longing to be a woman, or perhaps paying the ultimate homage to womanhood - yet the central woman in the life of the CD is exactly the one causing most of life's miseries.

(And, hell yes, Tekla is correct - nature hates a secret.)

[kittypw GG]

The problem, as I see it, is that there is an inability from either side to so see or relate to the other. The comments are just pure frustration and lashing out.

I would guess from the comments that you both have trouble expressing your feelings in a way that the other understands? It is possible but it takes patients and persistance.

Try to find some common ground. Explain your need to crossdress and have her acceptances in a way that she can relate to. Explain that there are things you don't understand yourself. When she says things like "your crossdressing sends shivers down my spine" how about saying that statements like that really hurt you and it makes you feel like she doesn't love you and how would she feel if you had a problem with her weight? Or I guess that we both have things to accept about eachother but we do it because we love eachother? See the difference?

Sit down and have an honest heart to heart about feelings. Clear the air and replace the anger with empathy and love. Trust me it will make a huge difference. :hugs:
kitty

[Marla S]

Thanks a lot kitty.
Your reply provides confidence !

[AmberTG]

This is a tough thing to deal with sometimes, I have been hurt by comments from my wife that I know were not meant to hurt me, that's my touchyness, not her intention. I get over it, I have to remind myself that she didn't do it on purpose, I'm just so touchy about the subject. I am getting better about it now that I'm finally coming to terms with the woman inside me, accepting that I am her and that it's not some sick perversion, it's just who I am and always have been. I was born this way, in between genders, and it's neither good nor bad, it just is. I don't lash out at her, I still get mad sometimes, but I get over it. If I started making comments about her weight, we would have much more serious problems, she was rail thin in high school, and is not now, she's very touchy about it, even more then I am about my gender issues. If I don't respect that, then we just have bigger problems.
Amber

[Melanie R]

First for most of us crossdressing is not a hobby. It is part of who we are. It will not go away but you have to find a balance between masculininity and femininity. If your GF loves you unconditionally she will accept all of you. If not move on and find someone who will.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Daphnie-Duck]

When she asks, "Does this make my butt look big?" never, never, never, ever
tell her the truth.

What if the truth is, "Yes! And that is exactly the way I like it, dear."

[Sheila]

Daphnie-Duck
As a large lady with a big butt. Trannie T's reply is probably good advice. Knowing my butt is big don't mean I need you to agree with me (god this lying thing gets complicated don't it. but THERE ARE LIES and THERE ARE LIES) :D :D :straightface: :straightface: