Transgender identity: Stages Of Life

[Ms. Donna]

Prompted by Clare's thread.

The following is an excerpt from an article written by a friend of mine who is a transgenderist, living as a woman. It outlines what she calls the Stages Of Life with regard to a transgender identity. Not the only way to look at all of this, but it's pretty spot on for most.

Something more to think about. :)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

------------------------------------------------------------



Stages of Life


Childhood Awareness

All but one of my peer contacts report they were aware of some sort of cross-gendered identity at very young ages. Mostly these early emanations display themselves as opposite-sex play preferences. Some proclaim this difference, and others quietly carry the knowledge they are different in some way. This can often occur as early as three years of age. Adults most often report this as "having always known I was different", or as "one of my earliest memories".

As we have already established, transgender identity is our natural state of life. As children we don't know what is genderally right or wrong, and have few qualms about being ourselves quite openly. It is our parents and associates who think there is something wrong with us, and force us into the denials we call "the closet".

Going In
This is the slow acquiescence to the pressures of society. It is the entrance into a state of severe denial. During the Going In time we will slowly be learning to act out the behaviours sociotypically ascribed to our genital sex. We learn to present as a little boy because we have a penis or a little girl because we have a vagina and we do it mostly to avoid reprisals from those around us. We are usually quite well closeted by the time we start school and can often completely hide our true genders for many years.

Passing
The time we spend in denial of our gender identities. This is a time when our behaviours match those socially consistent with our physical sex. It is a state of dishonesty. We actually try our best to be "just like everybody else", but we are not. For us this becomes a self-enforced denial, a means of avoiding the self- loathing we have been taught, and it represents a highly abnormal state that is often the source of enormous inner turmoil and many social problems. We often persist with this well into middle age.

One of the ways many of us deal with the mounting pressure from the denial is that of giving it a release. For most of us this is accomplished via secretly cross-dressing, which often does more to confuse and frustrate than to relieve frustration.

Coming Out
Our re-emergence from the denials as honest people and our rediscovery of our real gender identity. Coming out is the first step in regaining our emotional health. When fully completed, this is the recognition of our normal state, a state of transgender identity. Depending on closeting pressures we can begin this phase anytime in life.

Presenting
Presenting is the search for counseling and advice. This is the most unstable part of our process. We have just Come Out and usually have not reached self-understanding or inner peace yet. Many of us experience profound identity confusion, and body revulsions during this time. For us the primary issues are those of self-acceptance, social acceptance and self-esteem. We will be learning to live in society, and with ourselves, all over again. Most suicides by transgenderists or transsexuals happen during this time and they most often happen in reaction to the inability to locate appropriate support services.

Transition
This is the adjustmental phase. During this time we are working on self-esteem, and dignity while changing our presentation to sociotypically conform to our gender. Males will begin life as women, females will begin life as men. This can often take years and can be marked by repeated failures. Most of our human rights problems will come up during this time. We are routinely fired from careers, evicted from our homes and refused all sorts of services we had access to before beginning Transition. Often we suffer an overall loss of access to society during this time.

Cross-Living
For most of us this is the end of the fight, we now have our new lifestyles sorted out and are seeking to live a quiet life. We will be cross-living in some structured way, often after making many compromises. To varying degrees, males will be socially integrated as women, females will be living as men. Some go on to have sex-changes, some don't.

Although we have, by this time, rejoined mainstream society, it must be understood that cross-living is fraught with risk. We must live in constant fear of discovery, bad reactions from people, being "outed" and other such hideous things. Ours is a difficult life, but cross-living is far less uncomfortable for us than trying to keep up the facades of Passing.

[JenniferMint]

Childhood Awareness

All but one of my peer contacts report they were aware of some sort of cross-gendered identity at very young ages. Mostly these early emanations display themselves as opposite-sex play preferences.

Interesting... I always preferred to play with the girls. Everyone, including me, thought it was just because I liked girls (I was a boy, after all) though.

(of course liking girls would be consistent with me being an M2F lesbian)

[Lisa Maren]

When I was in pre-kindergarten (around age 3 to 5), two of my three friends were girls. I have always been more comfortable with females than I am with males.

Also, at summer camp (ages 10 to 15) all of my friends at the camp were girls. I always did have a male roommate, of course, but the good majority of the time I was hanging around with girls. Even when I was hanging out with guys, there were always as many girls as guys. I always greeted the girls the way they greeted me: We'd always say "Give me a hug!" and we'd give each other a hug :hugs: and I loved that (and not just because I like girls, either). I've always wondered what they thought about that. Nothing was ever said, though (at least that I remember). It was technically a sports camp, but my activities were things like Arts & Crafts, Computers, Gymnastics (both of the Gymnastics counselors were female and that's probably why they used the so-called "women's events equipment" for kids of both genders -- I did balance beam and the uneven parallel bars, for instance), Volleyball, Tennis and Archery, which is rather gender neutral (plenty of girls did it -- I almost just typed "plenty of other girls" rofl!).

Anyway, those years at that summer camp are probably still my happiest memories. Hmmmm. I wonder why? :heehee: I have to say, I really could be myself at that camp. I really don't remember anyone ever saying anything negative about it (at least not to my face, anyway). Perhaps on the contrary, I do remember several of the girls referring to me as a teddy bear -- this was as in "cute little teddy bear", this was not something you'd hear a woman say to a big, muscular, softie type of man (not the way they said it, anyway). :heehee: I really enjoyed that camp. What a shame that I didn't feel the same freedom to be myself at home and at school -- and still don't. :( Funny that I didn't realize the significance of my wonderful summer camp experiences until now!

Hugs,
Lisa

[michelle19845]

i am at the stage of coming out to friends and seeking a therapist and thinking my options out.it's pretty rough lately.

[Lisa Maren]

I'm almost there, too, Michelle. I'll know the scheduling of my grad school soon, and then I'll know when and where to find a therapist. Once that's done it will be time for me to tell my mother. It is rough.

Hugs,
Lisa

[leahgurl]

Once I have some money together I will hopefully be able to see a therapist. I have talked to a few other tg/ts people, but have only come out to one non-tg friend, but I have never met any of them before(except online). It will be much more difficult to tell friends and family in person.

Difficult times are a head, but I know things will work out.:happy:

[cindianna_jones]

I feel for the monumentous challenges you all must face. But understand that public awareness of transsexualism (God I hate that word) is better than it ever has been. I believe that many people are capable of showing compassion and that when you do come out, you will be very surprised. Your families will have the most difficult time with it (based on my personal experiences). But you will have friends and there are so many options for support for you.

I just wanted to let you know that life is good and you can be happy ;)

Cindi

[Clare]

Thanks Donna. It reflects me in many ways as a youngster particulary.

I'm at the point where I think I should start to tell Family and friends about my transgenderism. I have to admit to a certain amount of trepidation about this step! It has been on my mind a lot recently and i'm thinking of seeing a gender therapist to help give me some guidance and support throughout this emotionally difficult process.

However, I have several very strong reasons for not revealing my TG status right now. I'm about to fight a legal case to regain access/custody to my young Son and my ex would crucify me in Court if she knew about the extent of my crossdressing. The other relates to my aging Father - in recent years, he has lost one Son to suicide, his wife to Cancer and his Mother to old age related illness. I think that the revelation his oldest child is a transgenderist would be too much for my Dad right now.

Those two issues alone are far more important to me than the final stage of fully expressing my Transgenderism. However, I won't (can't) hold off forever - in fact, it's getting harder to hide it. Most of my casual clothing is now very femmine in styling, so my Relatives and Friends will be sure to notice in the near future. I suppose that's one way to 'ease' into the topic with them!

Strange - after more than 30 years of crossdressing and all the stages of acceptance and rejection, i'm now at the point of greatest fear - exposing the big secret!

[Kimberly]

The early stages sound a lot like my life. I played a lot with girls, as girls or toys you would associate with femininity - I used to get teased about it, and didn't really figure out why.

Denial sounds somewhat true. From my early teens until I started dressing seriously (17) I had many many girlfriends - I suppose a kind of denial, showing everyone else that I was just a lad. Since accepting my crossdressing I haven't had a relationship in a couple of years, and I'm not very bothered about that!!

So... stuff like this, (it sounds quite formal to be just another post from a sister here), makes me wonder about my gender identity: whether I should actually be a transwoman (whatever that entails) or I should just dress to my needs. I've had a couple of episodes where I've got quite upset about not really knowing to what extent I should live as the opposite sex. I've had a whole day of dressing and I feel very comfortable - so this is also making me ponder to what extent I truly need to dress.

Specialist help required, me thinks. Until then, I'll do what I can. :)

All very scary!! xx

[CaptLex]

Transition
This is the adjustmental phase. During this time we are working on self-esteem, and dignity while changing our presentation to sociotypically conform to our gender. Males will begin life as women, females will begin life as men. This can often take years and can be marked by repeated failures. Most of our human rights problems will come up during this time. We are routinely fired from careers, evicted from our homes and refused all sorts of services we had access to before beginning Transition. Often we suffer an overall loss of access to society during this time.
I guess this is about where I am now . . . sounds terrible (repeated failures? :eek: ). Can I go back into the closet? Seriously, though, if I didn't have my support group, my therapist, you guys and some understanding friends, I'd be under the bed after realizing this. :sad:

[Kimberly]

I guess this is about where I am now . . . sounds terrible (repeated failures? :eek: ). Can I go back into the closet? Seriously, though, if I didn't have my support group, my therapist, you guys and some understanding friends, I'd be under the bed after realizing this. :sad:
Don't dispair!! :)

[Ms. Donna]

Just a few points of information:

This was written by a TG right's activist friend of mine. She gave me a lot of support when I needed it (some I didn't like) and ultimately helped me come to my senses about a lot of this.

The article was written in 1993 - thirteen years ago. Things have changes much in that time and I feel that the climate is, in general, better now than it was then - although Karen's 'fallout' thread illustrates how much more needs to be done.

While there is much in what Laura has written which resonates for me, there is much which doesn't. As always, we all have to find that which works for us. I posted this not as a definitive progression, but as one possible way of looking at this. The biggest thing this did for me was to give me some hope that what I was going through was not something unique to me: that others - many others - had done the same and 'lived to tell about it'. :)

It's all about perspective: getting to look at all of this from other angles and finding the one that fits best for each of us.

Anyone interested in the reading the entire piece, please PM me and I'll provide you with a link.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[leahgurl]

Personnally I feel lucky to have found a support group here, even if to do not contribute much(I am shy :o ). Its just good to know I am not alone.

[AmberTG]

I guess you could say that I'm in the beginning of the transition stage. My gender identity seems to be stuck somewhere in the middle, leaning toward the female side, at this point, I'd rather live as female then male for as much of the time as is practical, I have always wished that I was a girl, but that's not the same as actually doing something about it, that can be frightning, actually making the decision to take the HRT and become as close as possible to what you wish for, you know the old saying, be careful what you wish for, you might get it, then what?
If you've been in the U.S. military, go to the V.A. medical facility nearest you and ask for help with your depression issues. They are very understanding and professional about gender issues and the depression it causes, but you have to be brave enough to ask for help.
By the way, I tried the blue pill, it didn't work, I'm still stuck in wonderland.
Amber

[Kimberley]

For me it was pretty much on the money up to the point of transition. That for me was and still is the big battle. Given my druthers I'd go for it in a heartbeat if the conditions were right for me but they arent.

I have made no secret of the fact that I wont transition because of family relationships that would be totally devastating if lost. I am sure the other girls who are not transitioning will agree with me on that point. It becomes a matter of priorities.

The self acceptance is no picnic either but in order to live with yourself and your decisions there is no other way. I guess that is why I have an ongoing relationship with my pdoc.

Good article though
Thanks Donna,

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

Coming Out
Our re-emergence from the denials as honest people and our rediscovery of our real gender identity. Coming out is the first step in regaining our emotional health. When fully completed, this is the recognition of our normal state, a state of transgender identity. Depending on closeting pressures we can begin this phase anytime in life.

Am at the Coming Out stage and still have a long way to go and to Donna, thank you so much for posting this.

huge :hugs: to you all

Anna x

[joanlynn28]

Thanks Ms Donna for the wonderful insight about our transgendered selves, I find that on my life's journey that I am now through the passing phase and into the transitional one. May God watch over me as I pass through this threshold. And thinks to all of you for being a part of my support system.

[pattyme]

I guess. I am comming out and transitioning. I don't have a support group, have told my mum and you girls & guys but no one else and I do have a therapist (get one its worth it even if it just gives you a place to talk to yourself). I accept that I am transgenderred and some days am even proud of it (I like to be different).

The dicomtomy is good but I would not wory too much if it doesn't fit you. Labels such as these provide structure and that enables understanding - nothing else.

Oh, the best part of comming out is being honest - that part is spot on.

Patty

[Kaitlynn]

I guess. I am comming out and transitioning. I don't have a support group, have told my mum and you girls & guys but no one else and I do have a therapist (get one its worth it even if it just gives you a place to talk to yourself). I accept that I am transgenderred and some days am even proud of it (I like to be different).

The dicomtomy is good but I would not wory too much if it doesn't fit you. Labels such as these provide structure and that enables understanding - nothing else.

Oh, the best part of comming out is being honest - that part is spot on.

Patty

This sounds like me too... altho I do have days of doubts of confusion, offset by days where I am totally sure I am TG and happy about it.

I also at times feel proud about it and also like to be different. My therapist thinks that there is something wrong and dangerous about this mindset. What do you other TS's think about this last comment?

[Natasha Anne]

Thanks for a wondeful post Ms. Donna. :love:

Naturally we are all different, but your categories do cover many of the important phases.

I think the Childhood Awareness bit fits me well, but the Going In fits a little less snuggly, despite it still remaining valid to a large degree. My Mom describes me a bubbly and friendly child. I was mostly acting out being a boy, but there were a lot of boy things I didn't do. I suppose you could have described me as a sissy because I simply refused to do anything dangerous or violent. I didn't get ostracized because I was friendly, but people did know I was a different kid to all the others.

In my teens my Mom noticed I became withdrawn. I had very few friends, typically only one at a time and only because they wanted me around, not because I was looking for a friend. I would rather have been by myself than with anyone. I did love being with girls, but I did not expose that to anyone. So I had "girlfriends", but they were actually just friends. We never really did anything other than hangout.

Passing is a wonderful description. It means something different to what our community normally means it to be, but it is so apt. After I met my future wife and despite me telling her and crossdressing around her, I was passing as a male to everyone else until 1997 when I came out on national television. It was a huge shock to the system for so many, including me. But I did it so as not to have skeletons in my closet.

Between your Passing and Coming Out category there is another category for me. Goodness knows what I'd call it, but here's how I describe it. I came out on national television as a crossdresser/transvestite. It was a major event in my life and so many of those around me. All of a sudden EVERYONE knew I was a crossdresser. The reality of course is that I was not a crossdresser, and not even I had the ability to accept that. In some ways it was OK for me to be a crossdresser at that point (to me anyway), but not a transsexual. I chatted to one of my friends who was a crossdresser too, and told them that I was a transsexual, but could never change sex because I would be too ugly. He replied the same way. We wanted to believe transitioning was not something we needed to do. She is also transitioing now, so bang went that theory!

Then came Coming Out. I'd say what you're describing is Coming Out to yourself. Coming Out to myself was a devastating and joyful experience for me. On the one hand I couldn't believe it and on the other I relaxed about it for the first time ever. Once I had got past the shock of what dawned on me I relaxed even more and people started to comment how I seemed to have calmed down. At this point I had not told a soul about my feelings.

By the time I got to Presenting and sought counselling I was already comfortable with what I was. I had already told a close friend. I was more concerned about the reactions of my wife and if she would take the children away. I also panicked about the impact to my career. I am a sole provider and needed to be able to provide for my children. It was a fear only a sole provider and a person who loves their children incredibly can feel. So it was an unstable time, but more for fear of external factors than confusion about myself.

Transitioning is well described and fits the bill perfectly for me.

Cross-Living is described well, but I'm not sure I like the title. I would call it Living. Even as I approach SRS, I live as a woman even in my thoughts now. I don't for a single moment feel like I'm living life as a new gender. I feel like I'm living my life as my gender. I don't know how to describe it. I think your description of this phase is spot-on. I just hate the title. I might even call it Disappearing. I feel like I'm melting into society, almost like my old gender is gone for good and noone even knows me as a male anymore. Even I struggle to recall who I was. I know what I did, but that does not capture the essence of what I was. I just know what I am now, and the past, when I encouter it, seems like deja vu not like something truly familiar.

As I mentioned, thanks for a great post. I wouldn't change it. I just wanted to lend some perspective to it in terms of what I have experienced.

Hugs
Me