secrets

[Scrunchie-Bunchie]

I read many people's contributions and one thing keeps cropping up: wives that don't like it or don't know about it.

I announced to the woman I was chatting to online that I am a transvestite, early on in the chats and she was fine with that. Eventually we ended up getting married and she buys my clothes for me.

The big thing is that in a marriage there should be no secrets withheld from each other.

If something needs to be kept secret then perhaps the the couple involved is a couple that has grown apart? I'm against secrets and lies myself. I would never lie to my wife nor would I keep a secret from her. She's the same way with me.

To all those with secrets I would urge you to reveal them. If you tell the truth, you don't have anything to remember. (Mark Twain)

[Karren H]

To all those with secrets I would urge you to reveal them. If you tell the truth, you don't have anything to remember. (Mark Twain)

So everyone should out themselves? No matter what the consequences? That's very idealistic in my opinion.. And will be a winfall for the diviorce lawyers!! (You a lawyer?? Hehe. Druming up business?)


But since you have an accepting and participating SO I fear your concept of reality is skewed a bit... The reality is that most people have secrets...that they don't want to share with anyone.. Does that make them a bad person? And I've been married for 30 years..and I love my wife and she loves me...so is our marriage bad?? Drifting apart? Nope nope nope...


But then again that's just my opinion....


or maybe its my low moral fiber showing... Hmmmm. Maybe that's why my cholestrol is high! I need more fiber...hehehe


Love Karren

[Angie G]

I must agree with Karran and in some case's the truth shell set you free after the diviorce.
It may sound good but it don't always work
Angie G.

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes, Scrunchie the truth isn't the best to tell. Secrets are important. Why things are secret depends on the circumstances. In relation to national security, we have secrets. If we were to blab them all over the news media our country would be "easy pinkins" for every little Tom, Dick and Harry extremist or terrorist. As far as relationships, I think that's best determined by the person or persons involved. I didn't tell my wife as I wanted to spare her feeelings and not burden her with my personal issues. When I finally did tell her, I kept my dressing sessions secret so she would not be unduly concerned as it had nothing to do with our relationship as husband and wife. Secrets that can harm are potentially dangerous. Secrets that hurt no one are best left to the individual to deal with. Ericka Kay

[swiss_susan]

Like the others who responded to your post so far, I disagree with your basic premise.

My SO knows, however she is the only person I have ever told and I have had other relationships in the past.

Everyone has secrets of some kind or another.

I would immediately distrust anyone that claimed to have "no secrets" from the spouse or SO. I simply don't believe that is really possible.

Susan

[NatalieH]

Sometimes, Scrunchie the truth isn't the best to tell... Secrets that can harm are potentially dangerous. Ericka Kay

Erika,

For the most part I agree with you. I do think, tho, that the concept of "harm" can rightfully be expanded to include oneself. I think it's possible to harm yourself, and potentially your relationship, because this side of you isn't shared with your SO. Of course not all things have to be shared, but for me something as deeply felt as my fem identity is too crucial to keep to myself. I realize this works for me, and doesn't have to work for anyone else. I just know how good it is to share my feelings with my wife. There's another thread here about how often during the day we think about cd'ing, with most saying nearly all the time. To not include my wife in these thoughts would be to shut her out of a major part of my life; I don't want to do that, and I'm fortunate that because of her understanding I don't have to.

Natalie

[vbcdgrl]

Well said. For what it's worth, I totally agree.

Vikki

[Robin Leigh]

Honesty is the best policy. I've tried to tell my girfriends about my CDing as early as possible into the relationship. Even still, in most cases they would've preferred to have that knowledge before we started getting intimate.

I understand that it doesn't always work out like that. Some CDs get married while they're going through a denial phase, thinking that marriage will "cure" them. For a while they think they are over CDing, and they feel no need to burden their wife with ancient history. But the desire to dress always returns, and the secret activities begin. Again.

Information & education about sexuality & gender issues have improved a lot in recent decades in much of the Western world, with a huge boost in the last decade coming from the Internet. Someone growing up TG 50 or so years ago was likely to be isolated from other TGs, with not much clear understanding about their own gender identity when they were of an age to get married. Many of them may have even wondered that they might be somehow gay because they liked feminine things. No wonder so many of them decided to keep their CDing a secret, especially when you could go to prison for gay activities.

Robin

[suzy]

Everybody has secrets... (Ask Johari about his window) and thank God we do have secrets! Whew!!:D

[Lisa Golightly]

Ah.... honesty... what a lovely thing she is... all sleek and glossy.

Honesty has always been my policy and it has enabled me to see all aspects of femininity... from the awwww I love you to the carving knife and the F**k you, you f**king nutter.

[CDsWifey GG]

I can't say its for everyone, its a difficult thing to uphold, but in our relationship, its honesty and openness all the way, I wouldn't have it any other way. If you can pull it off, the rewards are fantastic.:D

[raquel]

I used to wear my mothers clothes,got caught ,then many years after I
I got married and nothing happened untill a fancy dress event.
My wife noticed how excited I got and commented but it stayed there.
I still enjoy dressing but I don't know how to come out to my wife.
I have a very small wardrobe of my own.bought at various local towns
the question is ,HOW.
regards
Raquel

[SherriePall]

Scruncie-bunchie -- I noticed that you wrote that you told your future wife on-line that you crossdressed. It's a lot easier that way. However, years ago there was no on-line. We usually met our future wives at work or in some social situation. We fell in love in person. Back in the old days, crossdressing was more of a shame than it is today. I remember that it was considered a mental illness and that you could be put away for it. Without the considerable knowledge available on-line today, we didn't know what was the matter with us. Some of us thought that marriage would "cure" us. We kept quiet at first because we thought we could overcome this thing. Then we kept quiet because we were afraid or ashamed or both.
Finally, some of us told our wives. Some of us were discovered. I told my wife seven years ago. She is still not supportive, but she still loves me and, in many ways, we are closer today than before I told her.
What if I told her up front before we married. After I told her, I asked that question. She wouldn't have married me. So.......

[Emily Ann Brown]

And some of us started after 30+ years of marriage and knew it would get ugly when the wife found out. My second wife WILL know after the first date that I am TG and will be totally involved with my fem side from the get go.

Emily Ann

[Kate Simmons]

I know Sherrie, I asked my wife the same thing and her answer was the same as your wife. I have no regrets, however. I never would have known my three wonderful children had that happened. Unfortunately, we are not together now. After the kids left the nest, there was nothing to keep us together. My CDing was a big wedge but even if I were to toss it all, things would never be the same again, so what would I gain? Secrets kept my marriage together for the critical times. I have no regrets. Ericka Kay

[MsJanessa]

I must agree with Karran and in some case's the truth shell set you free after the diviorce.
It may sound good but it don't always work
Angie G.

I am a lawyer and trust me---there is nothing "free" about a divorce--you pay and pay so unless you want to take that risk, best to keep mum---- or is that be mum? lol

[JoAnnDallas]

First, I am a CD and my wife DOES NOT KNOW. Yes I have kept it a secret from her. I have for almost 25 years now. We all have our little secrets.

A secret is nothing more than a event or Situation that you don't want anyone to know about because it would be embaressing or Humiliating. I bet you have some and don't Recognize them as such.

I am also retired USAFSS/CIA so tell me about secrets. LOL

As for my wife, I am not sure if she would understand or approve. She has a medical condiction that pevents her from holding a full time job. I love her too much to have her disapprove and force us to seperate. I have weighted the risks on both sides and decided that the risk of keeping my Fem side a secret is best for both of us.

[Janelle Marshall]

After reading many of the posts on this topic I seem to detect at least two disticnt groups: those like Scrunchie, who were able to disclose all to their SOs prior to the relationship moving to a committed stage and those like myself, which for whatever reason either did not or could not have done so. In my case we have been married 30 years and raised 4 great kids. I have recently, last December, come out to my wife. It has been a very stressful time since. Your basic premise is sound, that honesty is the best policy. Had i to do it over again I would not have pulled her into the closet with me! She didn't deserve the stress and neither do I. She has all the usual concerns we hear about but the one that I think is must important to her is "How could you have not told me before we were married?" My only answer is a question, " How could I have told you what I didn't know myself?" We were married at 21 years old. Even if I had any idea what crossdressing was back then, as a 21 year old in the 70's I would have had no resources at all. Certainly no ONLINE chat room to come out to potential mates. Don't be to harsh on the Joni-come-latelies, or those that choose to keep this to themselves. We all have our own reasons and reasoning. You are blest with an accepting spouse. Love her extra hard!

[celeste26]

If we can't be honest at the first what chance does the relationship have for being the best it can be? Sure we can settle for less of a relaitonship with our S/O but what does that cost? We can have remote control relationsips where nothing important is said and little of significance is shared but is that really a relationship that we want for ourselves?

Those wives who encourage us make everything so much better and if we choose a person without that as a possibility then we need to examine ourselves not our wives.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Susan,

Since reading your remarks, I have been trying hard to come up with at least one secret I have kept from my wife. I don't think there is one. I believe honesty is not only the best, but the only policy in a commited relationship. I am sure one could work based on lies, but then what happens when one is found out?

Steph

[randi_789]

I would bet there is a definite age differentiation in those that think all should be revealed and those that have kept the secret. Those that are older, in which category I will place myself, started out crossdressing without an internet, without the knowledge that those of today have. I speak for myself here when I say I thought I was alone and somehow perverted. Being born in 1948, when the internet came along and I got my first computer in 1995 I was already forty seven years old. It wasn't an immediate revelation by any means. It took a few more years before I came to realize that what I was doing was not a perversion. Still, after twenty five years of marriage it wasn't something I could spring on my wife considering I still was coming to grips with it myself. Now, we have been married thirty six years and to tell her I have this inclination would bring stress to our relationship which is not necessary. We love each other dearly, have raised two great kids, have grandkids, and I have no intention in ruining any of it. But at the same time I need to dress. So I keep it a secret.

[sandra-leigh]

and those like myself, which for whatever reason either did not or could not have done so.

Like me -- I didn't know myself. Thinking back, before about 4 years ago, all that I did that could have been labelled crossdressing was no more than the equivilent of noticing that someone has thrown away an erotic magazine and taking it for perusal (actually, that probably happened more than anything "crossdressing" !) Even 4 years ago, the extent was to try on a few things to get an idea of how she would look in them. 3-ish years ago, if I recall correctly, I tried on things more often, thinking more about me -- but it was always only for a short time, and never outside the house; e.g., I would not put on a bra "and wear it around the house" even when she was out of town, as that wasn't at all in my consciousness. It wasn't until 2 years ago that something or other flipped and I started thinking I would like to wear the clothes myself. Thus I've only known myself for 2 of the 11 1/2 years we've been together.

[linnea]

I think that you are right, Karren. I have kept my CD secrets from my SO for over 35 years. I have a very healthy relationship with her in every way that matters to me, though I do feel guilty at times about my CD secrets. Nonetheless, I feel more compelled to keep the secrets for fear of hurting quite a few people and disrupting or possibly destroying other facets of my life.


So everyone should out themselves? No matter what the consequences? That's very idealistic in my opinion.. And will be a winfall for the diviorce lawyers!! (You a lawyer?? Hehe. Druming up business?)


But since you have an accepting and participating SO I fear your concept of reality is skewed a bit... The reality is that most people have secrets...that they don't want to share with anyone.. Does that make them a bad person? And I've been married for 30 years..and I love my wife and she loves me...so is our marriage bad?? Drifting apart? Nope nope nope...


But then again that's just my opinion....


or maybe its my low moral fiber showing... Hmmmm. Maybe that's why my cholestrol is high! I need more fiber...hehehe


Love Karren

[Samantha B L]

I think that everyone has their secrets,big or small,and that a large number of people tell lies sometimes,usually unimportant ones in nature.You just have to try to be forgiving about it and chalk it up as "no big deal".But honesty has it's rewards I guess.I'm 50 and like some of you I started dressing years before the internet and there were still people in the 70's that thought it was mental illness or symptomatc therof.But speaking of being truthful I've had 3 various relationships with women that I was able to tell all and completely about my crossdressing.I didn't marry any of them,but they accepted it totally that much of the time I am Samantha.The relationships eventually drifted apart because of time and distance.But my dressing was a big focus in one of the relationships.We lived at least 150 miles apart and she set aside a bedroom for me in her house.I'd go see her and we'd ride all over shopping together then party at night.I'd known this woman since 1969.She was even going to let me put up wall-length mirrors in that bedroom.She died in 2005. I've kept our polaroids and letters. Cheers, Samantha B L

[Nike]

In relation to national security, we have secrets. If we were to blab them all over the news media our country would be "easy pinkins" for every little Tom, Dick and Harry extremist or terrorist.


Sometimes you feel like a ****..... sometimes you don't

[GG Vanya]

Like the others who responded to your post so far, I disagree with your basic premise.

My SO knows, however she is the only person I have ever told and I have had other relationships in the past.

Everyone has secrets of some kind or another.

I would immediately distrust anyone that claimed to have "no secrets" from the spouse or SO. I simply don't believe that is really possible.

Susan

Well sadly Susan, you will now begin to distrust me. I too have given thought to this today, and cannot come up with any secrets I keep from Trudi, large or small. We began our relationship in the BDSM arena, and it is an absolute requirement that those of us into this "TRUST" each other implicitely. Of course that trust must first be earned. Absolute trust means there is no need for secrets.

We even discuss our work days, as a habit, at the end of the day. We ask about and take the time to listen to each other's good and bad points of the day.

I'm sure I'm not aware of every time Trudi went to the restroom today, but hopefully you wouldn't consider THAT keeping a secret.

I will say this is the *first* relationship in my life wherein I've felt the ability to be totally open with my partner, and felt that he was totally open with me. Gotta tell ya, it's a good feelin!

[terza]

absolute honesty is somewhat slipery to maintain. nothing stays still, everyone is evolving, changing. how do you explain, even if you want to, of new feelings and desires when it is so new that you cannot grasp it yourself. what is in your head thankfully remains there until you are capable of, and decides to, communicate the idea (on your own terms). relationships that claims complete honesty are either naive or persons envolved are plain shallow and complacent. face it, complete honesty can be boring cause after getting hit w/ the mallet of the obvious can leave you numb. mystery has alot more excitement.

[Nike]

I find that honesty cannot abide complacent and shallow would not care one way or the other. Deceipt on the other hand REQUIRES both shallow AND complacent to maintain the illusion. As for naive, of all the things in life I've lost, I miss my innocence the most.

When it comes to mystery, I prefer a good book or cinema, not a partner.

I will agree though, that the obvious impaired should be numbed with frequent application of a mallet.

:D

[Sejd]

What a wonderful way to say it. Yes, you are so right. Secrets are the poison in every marriage. If we can keep the secrets out, and keep everything in the open we all might just have a chance for ever lasting joyfull intoxication.
love
Sejd

[tekla west]

I think its very true that when men don't say something they regard it as some sort of strategic omission, and women see it as a lie. And guys, besides the panties and bra, if you want to be a women, try to think like one, and you will soon find out that women hate lies. I hear that one complaint more than any other complaint from women about men. They lie, and they hate liars.

I'm not going to tell anyone to come out who has been in the closet so long they have given all their hangers names and know ever carpet pile by heart. BUT.... you don't have to start out like that, and then you don't have to end like so many in here do. Its a bad way to go.

Nature hates secrets, most will out, and to the degree that you control that, you are in control of your life. If you are out front from the beginning you might meet one of these wonderful GGs in here who like it, who would celebrate it with you, to the degree that you lie about you are living a lie, and they begin to stack up and they eat away at your soul from the inside out. Why not take a chance at being free, if you do it from the start, the end will not be worse than the other sad posts around here.

[Veronica GG]

I read many people's contributions and one thing keeps cropping up: wives that don't like it or don't know about it.
)

Thats the question: we don't know. And that's the main reason why most of us don't accept it!

We need to know and learn a lot...it is a whole new world for us.

You're right about the secrets between husband and wife.