One Last Fling?

[maggie]

As I previously posted, I decided several weeks ago that I probably was not transgender after all. Since then I have been having success in nurturing my true masculine essence by regaining a sense of purpose and autonomy, playing golf, and bonding with other men. However, the TG issue had already done permanent damage to my marriage, and so, at my wife's insistence, I am now about to move out of our beautiful house into an apartment.

Since I am now happier and more comfortable as a guy, I no longer feel the need to be Maggie. Nevertheless, I felt an obligation to touch base with my friends at my local TG group, who had been very caring and supportive of me, rather than just disappearing suddenly. So I decided to attend the next meeting to update them on my situation and to explain why I might not be returning, so they wouldn't worry.

After the meeting, we went to a restaurant for music, drinks, and dancing. This picture of me was taken by the TG hostess.

http://members.aol.com/miscmg/redhead-beer-500.jpg

I find that it comforts me now to look at this picture and imagine that this is a real woman who truly loves and understands me. God knows if I will actually find one who does.

Maggie

[jill_4]

Hi Maggie,
I sincerely wish you all the best with your decision,but doubt if you will be able to put Maggie aside quite as easily as you think.Should your decision be reversed in the future you can be sure there is a community here who will welcome you back.

Best Wishes Jill :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Damn Maggie, are you sure? You look positively great. I tried doing what you are intending to do. I was kicked out of my church for refusing to give up my femme self, had a massive purge and went into depression. Too much to deal with at once. That was five years ago. I DID try the "guy" thing for awhile and while it seemed to make the rest of my family happy, did absolutely nothing for me. Now I'm on my way to becoming fully balanced but it takes a lot of work. I surely do enjoy being Richard but love being Ericka as well. Either way, I try not to take myself that seriously. I've also created two new personas to "play" with. Eric, who is Ericka crossdressing as a guy and Kay who is a "girly" girl who wears makeup, jewelery, etc. but who prefers to dress in guy clothes. I get to explore my creativity this way and am discovering myself in the process.Beginning to understand what really goes on in my little head. Just because you intend being your guy self doesn't mean you can't keep in touch with the gals here. I respect everyone for being whoever they want to be and love them as my friends and that certainly includes you.:love: Take care, Ericka Kay

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Since I am now happier and more comfortable as a guy, I no longer feel the need to be Maggie.
Maggie

I have a bullsh*t meter and your post registers high!
I'm a GG and I can see through this. I mean honestly, who are you trying to convince us or you? Understandably you're hurting, perhaps confused at the dissolution of your marriage; however, I find it hard to believe that a few rounds of golf and bonding with you buddies has banished your desire to be Maggie. Though it maybe now, my guess is the feelings will come back.

I guess I'm saying, just be however you are and screw what other ppl think. To thine own self be true. What else can we do as humans, right?

Hugs Maggie, sounds like an awful rough time right now!
Kew

[Barbara R.]

I wonder if it could be so easy. It would be convenient to put it all behind, but for me it always comes back. Good luck and may you be truly happy

[ravens_roost2004]

Maggie: Tina here, How a bout an update, how are you doing, did you salvage your marrage, are you Maggie again? Did you perge or just put your self in storage. I hope all is well. Let us know dear.

[SherriePall]

Maggie -- Since I came on board here, I have enjoyed your posts with your seemingly natural photos. I am sorry about your marital problems. I hope that your marriage can be saved. And good luck as you go down the path many of us have trod from time to time -- the path that leaves our femme self behind as we go searching for the masculine side. If you find that path goes full circle, most of us will be here, understanding what you are going through. If you find the path is a straight line ending in Himville, we wish you the best.
Take care, Maggie, we'll miss you.

[Lisa Golightly]

Since then I have been having success in nurturing my true masculine essence by regaining a sense of purpose and autonomy, playing golf, and bonding with other men.

Errrrrr...

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Maggie

I wish well in your chosen path
If maggie has gone forever then so be it
I hope you will find happiness

[Nikki Dee]

Sorry to hear of the marital discord love...but I don't think it works quite the wat you put it...you don't "decide" you are not TG...you either is..or you ain't.!...and I think you are.!!!...don't you.???
Nikki. x

[maggie]

Thanks for all of your good wishes. To answer some of your questions:

I don't claim to be typical of other TGs and CDers. In some ways I am, but in other ways I am not. My only previous experience in dressing fully as a woman was over a period of a few months more than 33 years ago, when I lived alone in an apartment and was feeling very lonely and miserable. That's when Maggie was born. After that experience, I felt much better as a man, met the woman I was to marry, and purged all my stuff. I stopped crossdressing for 30 years (although I did wear a Scottish kilt).

Then, over the past several years, many things happened that eroded my sense of purpose in life and my sense of autonomy. Without going into details, let's just say that I felt that my ability to express my masculine essence was blocked on many levels. My view of masculinity became reduced to macho stereotypes, which I found repugnant while at the same time chastising myself for not being able to conform to them.

Then, in late 2002 and early 2003, while my wife was away for long periods on business, I began to experiment with female impersonation. I recreated Maggie as a theatrical character. Through her, I found myself able to experience feelings of freedom, enjoyment, sensuality, and self-love that had been blocked from my male persona. During the next three years, I began to wonder whether Maggie was more than just a character - whether I was really TG, as people on this and other forums kept suggesting.

After a mild heart attack late last year, I was given a high dosage of a beta-blocker. This may have contributed to increased depression, which was only relieved when I was Maggie. After doing much research on the Internet and seeing a gender specialist, I came to believe that my depression was caused by gender dysphoria, and that I would have to "come out" as TG in order to survive. When I tentatively began sharing this with a few people, my wife (who, until then, had tolerated my CDing as long as she didn't have to see it) totally freaked out.

I changed my mind about coming out, and I found that I could relieve my depression simply by decreasing the beta-blocker. By regaining my sense of purpose and automony, I was again able to experience as a man all the positive things I had enjoyed as Maggie. However, it was too late. The damage to my wife's feelings has not healed and may be permanent.

Despite my current comfort as a man, I do not intend to "purge." As far as I'm concerned, this doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" proposition. I don't want to rule out the possibility that Maggie might perform on stage again some day as a theatrical character. Furthermore, I cannot predict what kind of depression might overcome me when I am alone in my apartment, for which I might need Maggie as a life preserver. Time will tell.

Maggie

[vbcdgrl]

Kew, I think you're a little rough on Maggie. I'm sure she(he) isn't intentionally trying to BS us. However, having made similar proclamations myself in the past and broken them, I know Maggie is facing an uphill battle.

Vikki

[Karren H]

Well hope you find what your looking for, Maggie... But this on again off again transgendered thingy confuses me..and enjoying your male side and bonding with men is great!! I do it every week at the ice rink and wouldn't miss it for the world but what does that have to do with your fem side? They don't have to be mutually exclusive you know. Both can survive and thrive...just not at the same time. Lol.


Btw your pic looks great..you sure don't look like you want to or should quit!! But best wishes. Stop back by some times and say hi...

Love Karren

[Kieron Andrew]

I have a bullsh*t meter and your post registers high!
I'm a GG and I can see through this. I mean honestly, who are you trying to convince us or you? Understandably you're hurting, perhaps confused at the dissolution of your marriage; however, I find it hard to believe that a few rounds of golf and bonding with you buddies has banished your desire to be Maggie. Though it maybe now, my guess is the feelings will come back.

I guess I'm saying, just be however you are and screw what other ppl think. To thine own self be true. What else can we do as humans, right?

Hugs Maggie, sounds like an awful rough time right now!
Kewwow!! im sure you took these words right out my brain.....this was exactly what i was gonna say

[Deborah]

Good luck Maggie. I hope you find happiness in which ever path you choose. :)

[Carole/CCD]

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide but i hope to see you again as you are one classey lady

[eleventhdr]

I do not understand this at all!.

Hell if and when I could ever look that good as enfemm I would chuck it all and stay that way never go back to being male whatsoever.

That is what I would realy want to be>

And good bye to my male self from then on.

When really need's the aggervation and frustration of trying to keep up a fales male front for the rest of your life I mean Yuck!

That is what I would really rather be anyway completly female and form then on in being truly really happy and content dispite it's many problems just as well.

If and when you just might get my drift hmmm!!?

Oh well

Jay Suzy!

[Deborah]

^^ TG/TS feelings Eleventhdr. Maggie said she wasn't TG, but still CD's or is quiting i assume.

[Samantha B L]

Maggie,You seem like a wonderful person and I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out.But the urge to dress will come back again. Samantha B L

[Charleen]

Maggie will be back.

[Sarah Rabbit]

Maggie,I tend to agree with the sentiment of your TG will not disappear. You may be able to suppress it for a time, but it will return with a vengence..Perhaps you should try and embrace your femme side instead of repelling it. Once I accepted who I was, life became a lot better. as for the marriage, I do feel for you as my first went haywire(Totally non CD related) I then found a wonderful Lady and life got even better.:happy: :happy:

:hugs:

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Calliope]

Don't forget what happened to Dean Martin when he relied on his golfing buddies.

[KarenSusan]

Good Luck, Maggie. I don't think I could quit even if I wanted to.

[Ranee Daze]

A few months ago I took alot of flack for trying to subdue Ranee Daze in the hopes of finding true love. Well that love was an empty shell and went to hell but it did make me realize a few things about my CDing and most important was the fact that if I managed it well, as in allowing myself to go out maybe three times a year but extremely well done up for a well planned outing, my fantasy life would harm no one at all and give me a wonderful release that golfing or shooting hoops just won't match. Part of it is that I really don't like "men" very much at all. My male friends are all collegues in my business in the arts and would never qualify as macho. I do love women however, so much that I like to dabble in their world once in awhile. So I give myself permission, with strict instructions to have a grand feminine experience, to emerge from my masculine coil once a season or so.
I think that you should try this as I have. It has given me joy and peace.
Remember what Popeye sez...."I yam whats I yam!"
Plus...you look mahvelous!

[kathy gg]

HI Maggie.

I remember you from the old Parsimony forum, which sort of turned into a sesspool for a while....and got lucky and a friend referred me to this great site...so I remember you well and your posts about being Maggie as purely female impersonation....then i remember those posts changing and starting to learn more about yourself...and of course have followed your threads in here as well....

I posted back then to you as I am posting today and I have a simple word for you as I did then:

BALANCE

Why does golfing have to fall under the catagory:male?
and feeling pretty have to fall under something labeled:female?

Yes, your wife had every right to freak out, wanting to *come out* brings to the table many womens greatest fears...he is not *just a crossdresser* but more and how will this affect "our" life, his work, my work, our family, his family? SOme women can cope and deal while others draw the line. So, everything that happened does not surprise me much.

I just think you always felt so inclined to keep the division such a tight line between male and female that ANY person (man or woman) would feel huge weights of pressure and stress and bring upon health problems.

Being a "whole" person can have bits of female, bits of male, hell even bits of things that dont' even classify as any gender for that matter.

I still think you and your marriage could achieve some balance and peace and happiness, but you have to find out and realize that you really can be both...and you dont' have to squash your femme self or choke your male self...you really can be both...it is okay...and enjoying a hole in one or your nice nails...both are okay and all have a time and place. One does not have to make the other thing look bad or worthless.

I dont' think any therapist or specialist is going to be able to tell you who you are....you know on the inside but I see a person who compartmentalizes these aspects of their personality and tries to fit them all in containers.....which is not healthy for any person.

Be free to be you, all of you. Think of balance and paying respect to all of who you are.

Best of luck though on finding that beautiful balance...

[MsEva]

Maggie -- Since I came on board here, I have enjoyed your posts with your seemingly natural photos. I am sorry about your marital problems. I hope that your marriage can be saved. And good luck as you go down the path many of us have trod from time to time -- the path that leaves our femme self behind as we go searching for the masculine side. If you find that path goes full circle, most of us will be here, understanding what you are going through. If you find the path is a straight line ending in Himville, we wish you the best.
Take care, Maggie, we'll miss you.

Once again my sister in PA hit the nail on the head. I too would have to give condolences on the marriage and I hope you find your true love. Just know we are there for you.

[Sejd]

I tried the kilt escape both when I was 20 and later at 30 and then again last year. Gues what???? it doesn't work. LOL
but good luck anyway.
Sejd

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Maggie

I think the secret here is that word kathy used which is Balance, and the secret to this madness we suffer is to balance it in our daily lifes, however sometimes we need to make that balance in our favour, or as I'm in the process of at the moment, due to school holiday's is balancing my dressing in favour of my family over my needs and desires.

I personally think (IMHO) that it's very easy to railroad yourself in to a corner over crossdressing, ie it good to do or even bad to do! ie I enjoy crossdressing, therefore I must want to do this all the time, however what people tend to forget is a CD/TV crossdresses for fun, the clothes, the make up the wigs are all part of that make over illusion of being a woman, so oh how much fun it must be to be a woman for real.

However the reality is so different from that male perspective of what a womans life must be really like, little do they realise that where as we find it fun to make ourselfs over, to them it's just another daily task like the washing and the ironing, being a full time girl means there no fancy hairdos or wigs, dressing to the nines, is a rare chance on special days, otherwise it plain work clothes, simple manageable everyday hair do's, bland makeup and work. ie just like us, and the daily tasks become as much a bind to them as shaving daily is to us, ie the grass really does look much greener, from the other side, yet it just the same.

you would not be the first Crossdresser to have had feeling you thought where true, only to find out there not! I'm sure most would even be able to say they have got in to a situation, or had a feeling which they where so sure was the right direction for them, only to find it wasn't. I'm sure many will admit to having made more than one mistake, and sadly I can personally say I have known of one CD/TV who pushed the envelope to far, and not followed there inner feeling and lied to themselves and railroaded themselves on a one way trip to oblivion!

if we can't be true to ourself, who can we be true too!

You labelled your post one last flinge, but is that really what you want, some times we have to be true to ourselfs even if it means hurting those we love the most. We don't want to hurt them, but to deny ourself, is to deny them of the real us. but more important we deny our selfs, I struggles for years to stop dressing, this year I relised I can't! But I don't just want to dress, I need to dress!

But that doesn't just stop at wearing the clothes and the wig, around the house for an hour, basically I need to be the other me as well, and in being me, I need to be the best me I can be in that time (and I only want that to be for a short time!), ie I'm begining to relise I have to be the best other me I can be for that time or period, half measures and half efforts and not going the whole 10 yards mean I'm lying to myself, and in lying to myself, I'm spiraling downward in my feelings, which then affects me, and in turn my family and my attitude, and feeling towards them.

if you haven't realised this post has been a little voyage of discovery for myself also, I realise I'm bending to please others, because I don't want to hurt or damage my family, but in turn I'm the one being damaged due to suppressing that need I have.

I.E I just want to be a girl just every once in a while. but when I am, I want to be the best girl, I can be!

Good luck Maggie! (but follow your own needs)


Maggie -- Since I came on board here, I have enjoyed your posts with your seemingly natural photos. I am sorry about your marital problems. I hope that your marriage can be saved. And good luck as you go down the path many of us have trod from time to time -- the path that leaves our femme self behind as we go searching for the masculine side. If you find that path goes full circle, most of us will be here, understanding what you are going through. If you find the path is a straight line ending in Himville, we wish you the best.
Take care, Maggie, we'll miss you.

As someone who has done more than a couple of circuits looking for himville, I think I might have better luck looking for Elderado or Atlantis.:rolleyes:

[DaveyboyNC]

Maggie,

I am interested in how this is working out. I think eveyone agrees you look lovely, and find it hard to believe you could just walk away.

Davey:D