Dragster
08-30-2006, 08:10 PM
I first posted this here yesterday and have now reworded parts of it to take on board most of the suggestions offered. Here it is in its revised format.
I know I’ve posted here about the saga of my quest to get my wife to accept (even in a small way) my need to crossdress. It’s been ongoing for almost 18 months now, and we’re at an impasse; I want to see some progress, and she will only reluctantly discuss it with me, does not really want to know any more about it, sees it as a disgusting habit (but won’t/can’t explain what is disgusting), is unwilling to talk to anyone else about it (councillors, or other SOs here on CD.com anonymously) and can’t understand why I just can’t stop. Others have suggested it is her way of trying to control the situation (and me) so she does not have to confront what is to her a painful reality. Like others here, I expect to reach a closer relationship with her if she can genuinely accept this part of me. She appears to be in denial. Whilst I do sympathise with her situation, after all, she did not sign up to this at the altar 37 years ago, I don’t now think it’s right for me to continue to dress “behind her back”, and I don’t believe I can just stop for long. Has anyone else?
To try to kick-start the discussion again, and at least get to a workable solution, acceptable for both of us, I decided to write a “Fairy” Story, a summary of my crossdressing experiences from the very beginning, and its effect on me and on our relationship to date. I wrote it in a humorous vein, and in the third person, starting “Once upon a time, there was a little boy we’ll call Tony…..” but I won’t include it all here, it’s far too long, almost six A4 pages of Times New Roman, 12 point!. I’ve told her most of it already, but I think she may have blanked out a lot of it, right up to our current situation, but it’s more difficult to ignore on paper. Then I offer her a choice of endings to the story, and an invitation that if she didn’t like any of them, she should write her own ending. I haven’t given it to her yet because I’d really like some feedback from you, particularly the GGs, on the advisability of following this approach. Do you think it will have the effect I’m seeking, or will it only inflame the situation? I know it’s still quite long, but here’s the endings I’m offering-
"Many fairy stories have a happy ending. You now have an opportunity to choose the ending to this one. Here are some options.
Ending One
Tony’s wife remains unable or unwilling to change her view that crossdressing is disgusting and perverted. It may be based on misconceptions and lack of knowledge, but she finds it too painful to contemplate learning more about Tony’s “hobby”. She hopes that by trying to control his crossdressing by subtly disapproving of it and avoiding any discussion, it will just go away. In an attempt to find a mutually acceptable compromise, Tony tries to give it up and stops crossdressing. He achieves a measure of success, does not crossdress or make contact with his friends on the Forum for a few months and his wife initially seems a little happier now that the problem appears to be solved. However, Tony feels like a child whose favourite toy has been taken away, he thinks more and more about it, longing for its return. He realises that he has a need which is not being satisfied. His wife becomes aware that Tony still has a strong desire to crossdress and finds it a turn off. She cannot find the enthusiasm for a resumption of the sex life they used to enjoy, which is one of the few other areas where they had disagreed in the past. Tony becomes more and more frustrated, even losing some of the happy-go-lucky outlook on life that he had. To at least achieve some measure of satisfaction, he starts crossdressing again behind his wife’s back, in spite of the risk of discovery and the effect it may have on their relationship. Neither of them is really happy with the arrangement.
Ending two
Tony’s wife is still very uneasy with the whole subject of crossdressing, but realises eventually that this is an integral part of her husband’s character. If she still wants to spend her life with him, it’s part of the package, warts and all. She seems upset that she didn’t sign up to this aspect of his character at the altar, but in 37 years of marriage, there have been many changes in both of them that neither of them signed up for at that time either! After all, she did marry him for what he was then, and that was the combination of male and female characteristics that included the crossdressing, even though she did not know about that at the time. She decides that she is not going to throw away 37 years of otherwise happy marriage, and so had better find out more of what this subject is really all about. She seeks further information from the internet and from books, much of it provided by Tony for her. She confirms much of what Tony had told her, and through much discussion with him, satisfies herself that he is not gay, doesn’t want to change sex, nor for any other friends and relatives to know his “secret”, but just feels the need to dress in female clothes from time to time. She finds that she can accept that, it no longer seems such a big deal, but she still does not want to see him in anything but his male clothing and is still terrified of anyone else finding out about it. She likes him as a “manly” man, and still believes that seeing him in female clothing would destroy her ideal image of him. They come to a workable agreement of when and where his crossdressing can take place, where the clothes are stored, how much is spent to pursue the activity etc., and although this seems terribly restrictive to Tony, he realises that half a loaf is better than no loaf at all. In time, some of the restrictions are relaxed somewhat, and his wife even realises that accompanying him for clothes shopping creates far less suspicion of who the clothes are really for. The more open attitude between them also results in a less inhibited sexual relationship, which benefits them both, but many restrictions still remain. Both of them are relieved to know that this is no longer a threat to their future happiness together.
Ending three
Following on from ending two, Tony’s wife begins to realise that far from becoming a bone of contention between them, the agreement on crossdressing has actually drawn them closer together. She continues to read more about the subject, and joins the Forum where Tony is a member, to see what others have to say on the subject. There is even a “Wives Only” section, where she can ask any question she likes and share experiences, knowing that it is only other female partners who can read her input, and anyway, everything can be anonymous on the internet! She begins to lose some of the inhibitions she had on the subject, and begins to get curious as to what Tony looks like when dressed. They agree that it would be a good idea to satisfy this curiosity on a gradual basis, so Tony wears only one female item of clothing at first, before adding more as time goes on. His wife begins to realise that Tony does not change when he puts on stockings or knickers etc (well, maybe he’s a little more cuddlesome), but he is still the same person she has always known, with all the same attributes and faults he has when dressed as a guy! She does however notice that he becomes aroused when dressed, and decides to take full advantage of that situation. Tony has no complaints, and they both begin to enjoy a new dimension to their sex life. She eventually accepts that Tony in lingerie is still the same husband she’s known for many years, and she no longer thinks she’s with another woman when he’s dressed. As they enjoy this activity, they get more adventurous, sometimes going out wearing similar underclothes under their usual outer clothing. It’s exciting to share a “guilty” secret, and they both know what will happen when they get back home! They even find it easier to talk about other aspects of their sex life that they would like to explore together. At last, his wife overcomes her reluctance to articulate her own desires in the bedroom, and finds Tony more than willing to satisfy her needs too. They both enjoy their life together.
Ending four
Following from ending three, Tony’s wife gets even more comfortable with the whole subject, and decides that she is ready to see him fully dressed. His first attempt is seen as a disaster, so she decides to help him achieve his dream of dressing as a female by helping with clothes selection, make-up etc. She even sees it as a challenge, and Tony is more than happy to be used as a blank canvas for his wife’s creative efforts. It’s only fair that he returns the compliment to his wife. Tony’s wife has dreams of her own of course, and now seems less inhibited in expressing them. Not surprisingly, Tony seems keen to help her achieve them, and they both seem to have a more positive attitude to helping one another to achieve ambitions which they had harboured for many years, but which had never previously come to the surface. And life is much better when both are fulfilled and there are no secrets between them.
Ending five
If you don’t like any of the four endings above, now please write your own preferred ending, and we’ll come to some agreement about where we go from here."
Well, what do you think? Is it a good plan, or is it doomed to failure? Please tell me what you think. And since you got this far, many thanks for taking the time and trouble to read it.
Tony
I know I’ve posted here about the saga of my quest to get my wife to accept (even in a small way) my need to crossdress. It’s been ongoing for almost 18 months now, and we’re at an impasse; I want to see some progress, and she will only reluctantly discuss it with me, does not really want to know any more about it, sees it as a disgusting habit (but won’t/can’t explain what is disgusting), is unwilling to talk to anyone else about it (councillors, or other SOs here on CD.com anonymously) and can’t understand why I just can’t stop. Others have suggested it is her way of trying to control the situation (and me) so she does not have to confront what is to her a painful reality. Like others here, I expect to reach a closer relationship with her if she can genuinely accept this part of me. She appears to be in denial. Whilst I do sympathise with her situation, after all, she did not sign up to this at the altar 37 years ago, I don’t now think it’s right for me to continue to dress “behind her back”, and I don’t believe I can just stop for long. Has anyone else?
To try to kick-start the discussion again, and at least get to a workable solution, acceptable for both of us, I decided to write a “Fairy” Story, a summary of my crossdressing experiences from the very beginning, and its effect on me and on our relationship to date. I wrote it in a humorous vein, and in the third person, starting “Once upon a time, there was a little boy we’ll call Tony…..” but I won’t include it all here, it’s far too long, almost six A4 pages of Times New Roman, 12 point!. I’ve told her most of it already, but I think she may have blanked out a lot of it, right up to our current situation, but it’s more difficult to ignore on paper. Then I offer her a choice of endings to the story, and an invitation that if she didn’t like any of them, she should write her own ending. I haven’t given it to her yet because I’d really like some feedback from you, particularly the GGs, on the advisability of following this approach. Do you think it will have the effect I’m seeking, or will it only inflame the situation? I know it’s still quite long, but here’s the endings I’m offering-
"Many fairy stories have a happy ending. You now have an opportunity to choose the ending to this one. Here are some options.
Ending One
Tony’s wife remains unable or unwilling to change her view that crossdressing is disgusting and perverted. It may be based on misconceptions and lack of knowledge, but she finds it too painful to contemplate learning more about Tony’s “hobby”. She hopes that by trying to control his crossdressing by subtly disapproving of it and avoiding any discussion, it will just go away. In an attempt to find a mutually acceptable compromise, Tony tries to give it up and stops crossdressing. He achieves a measure of success, does not crossdress or make contact with his friends on the Forum for a few months and his wife initially seems a little happier now that the problem appears to be solved. However, Tony feels like a child whose favourite toy has been taken away, he thinks more and more about it, longing for its return. He realises that he has a need which is not being satisfied. His wife becomes aware that Tony still has a strong desire to crossdress and finds it a turn off. She cannot find the enthusiasm for a resumption of the sex life they used to enjoy, which is one of the few other areas where they had disagreed in the past. Tony becomes more and more frustrated, even losing some of the happy-go-lucky outlook on life that he had. To at least achieve some measure of satisfaction, he starts crossdressing again behind his wife’s back, in spite of the risk of discovery and the effect it may have on their relationship. Neither of them is really happy with the arrangement.
Ending two
Tony’s wife is still very uneasy with the whole subject of crossdressing, but realises eventually that this is an integral part of her husband’s character. If she still wants to spend her life with him, it’s part of the package, warts and all. She seems upset that she didn’t sign up to this aspect of his character at the altar, but in 37 years of marriage, there have been many changes in both of them that neither of them signed up for at that time either! After all, she did marry him for what he was then, and that was the combination of male and female characteristics that included the crossdressing, even though she did not know about that at the time. She decides that she is not going to throw away 37 years of otherwise happy marriage, and so had better find out more of what this subject is really all about. She seeks further information from the internet and from books, much of it provided by Tony for her. She confirms much of what Tony had told her, and through much discussion with him, satisfies herself that he is not gay, doesn’t want to change sex, nor for any other friends and relatives to know his “secret”, but just feels the need to dress in female clothes from time to time. She finds that she can accept that, it no longer seems such a big deal, but she still does not want to see him in anything but his male clothing and is still terrified of anyone else finding out about it. She likes him as a “manly” man, and still believes that seeing him in female clothing would destroy her ideal image of him. They come to a workable agreement of when and where his crossdressing can take place, where the clothes are stored, how much is spent to pursue the activity etc., and although this seems terribly restrictive to Tony, he realises that half a loaf is better than no loaf at all. In time, some of the restrictions are relaxed somewhat, and his wife even realises that accompanying him for clothes shopping creates far less suspicion of who the clothes are really for. The more open attitude between them also results in a less inhibited sexual relationship, which benefits them both, but many restrictions still remain. Both of them are relieved to know that this is no longer a threat to their future happiness together.
Ending three
Following on from ending two, Tony’s wife begins to realise that far from becoming a bone of contention between them, the agreement on crossdressing has actually drawn them closer together. She continues to read more about the subject, and joins the Forum where Tony is a member, to see what others have to say on the subject. There is even a “Wives Only” section, where she can ask any question she likes and share experiences, knowing that it is only other female partners who can read her input, and anyway, everything can be anonymous on the internet! She begins to lose some of the inhibitions she had on the subject, and begins to get curious as to what Tony looks like when dressed. They agree that it would be a good idea to satisfy this curiosity on a gradual basis, so Tony wears only one female item of clothing at first, before adding more as time goes on. His wife begins to realise that Tony does not change when he puts on stockings or knickers etc (well, maybe he’s a little more cuddlesome), but he is still the same person she has always known, with all the same attributes and faults he has when dressed as a guy! She does however notice that he becomes aroused when dressed, and decides to take full advantage of that situation. Tony has no complaints, and they both begin to enjoy a new dimension to their sex life. She eventually accepts that Tony in lingerie is still the same husband she’s known for many years, and she no longer thinks she’s with another woman when he’s dressed. As they enjoy this activity, they get more adventurous, sometimes going out wearing similar underclothes under their usual outer clothing. It’s exciting to share a “guilty” secret, and they both know what will happen when they get back home! They even find it easier to talk about other aspects of their sex life that they would like to explore together. At last, his wife overcomes her reluctance to articulate her own desires in the bedroom, and finds Tony more than willing to satisfy her needs too. They both enjoy their life together.
Ending four
Following from ending three, Tony’s wife gets even more comfortable with the whole subject, and decides that she is ready to see him fully dressed. His first attempt is seen as a disaster, so she decides to help him achieve his dream of dressing as a female by helping with clothes selection, make-up etc. She even sees it as a challenge, and Tony is more than happy to be used as a blank canvas for his wife’s creative efforts. It’s only fair that he returns the compliment to his wife. Tony’s wife has dreams of her own of course, and now seems less inhibited in expressing them. Not surprisingly, Tony seems keen to help her achieve them, and they both seem to have a more positive attitude to helping one another to achieve ambitions which they had harboured for many years, but which had never previously come to the surface. And life is much better when both are fulfilled and there are no secrets between them.
Ending five
If you don’t like any of the four endings above, now please write your own preferred ending, and we’ll come to some agreement about where we go from here."
Well, what do you think? Is it a good plan, or is it doomed to failure? Please tell me what you think. And since you got this far, many thanks for taking the time and trouble to read it.
Tony