eleyna
08-31-2006, 04:45 AM
I'd already managed to spend the last week or so without reverting to my boxers, and this Friday I came home and knowing I had a week off, I stepped into 'Eleyna' in an invigorating way. It's been marvellous...
I should point out that my cd/femmy side is a sort of deliberate choice. I'm a bit of a social chameleon, and I don't want to be an out cd. It's like when the lights come on at the movie theatre, and you find the screen is a bright color. I like the private me to be very different from the public me. And I find this as a great way to express it, but there's also a little bit of a kinky, maybe sadistic, twist to it - as in I like to torment my 'boy self' with it.
I've been experimenting with some lipsticks and just happen to have found some 'Kiki' ones I really like, and I'd been dressed from Friday so on Monday I found myself with some time to pass and was in the bathroom and decided to paint my toenails with a pink I'd gotten as a freebie from a mail-order. I felt that putting some bonder on first would be a nice twist. While I was waiting for it to dry, it was just entirely natural to shave my legs. When I was done I realized it meant I had no excuse not to wear my holdups now, since it wouldn't *require* me to wear the heavy, thick, opaque ones. A part of me groaned (I like wearing holdups way too much, hehe), and a part of me giggled ;)
In every sense I've given this week over to my 'perversion' :) I don't mind wearing guys clothes, e.g. today: I spent most of the day in a comfy pair of pink cords over a black thong (not a string), LoveFifi corset and halter, and a blouse, with my favorite 3in heel sneakers (yes, heeled sneakers). But I had stuff to do and so I slipped into a (mens) tee and jeans, but also switched to a pink pair of Hanes' comfortsoft briefs. I've allowed myself to stay in that too, because the fact I didn't use the chance to go totally boy is almost a major milestone in itself; nor did I decide to remove the (clear) nail polish (ok, it's Orly's nails for men, but even so) before going out. That's as much 'out' as I want to be, and there was no struggle over it today.
Mostly I've just been wearing my casual stuff - jeans, etc - but yesterday morning I was all set to put on my girls jeans when I got this sort of nudge from my boyself that I might as well make a day of it, like couldn't I maybe wear that crepe two-layer skirt and the layered blouson thingy? With some stockings? I haven't worn them together before and I've only worn the things separately as sort of jack-off material, so it was kinda cool spending most of the day in them.
The real risk to my going the entire remaining 5 days is just how *wonderful* it feels when I sort of 'come to' and realize that I've not even noticed what I'm wearing for the last 3 hours. Heck, a few years ago I could barely keep a pair of panties 3 hours never mind wear them for 3 minutes.
I spent most of my late teens trying to barricade away my curiosity in femme dress, and build defenses against giving in to it. So I've had to spend my 20s tearing that back down again. So this tiny level of acceptance has a delicious twist to it, ground taken - from my fake self. Where once I made myself hate and fear panties, now I'm making myself wear and love them.
Unlike my anti-pantie self, I'm a nice person. So I thought that rather than torment myself a lot, I should probably reward myself with a little half-way gift, so I ordered a few pairs of Hanes' "Authentic Boxers" in grey and white in exchange for one of my four remaining pairs of mens' boxers. Two of those are Sloggi, a brand which has a special place in my heart, which I'll keep for any dire emergencies.
My only regret is that I do have some outside commitments this week, or I could have painted my fingernails too, and I'd have liked that extra little touch of transformation, but I'm thrilled to bits with the knowledge that in a little while I'll go downstairs, switch into a clean pair of panties and a nightie, and go to sleep. I'll wake, pick out some clothes, jump into the shower, and step out, dry off and back into pink. Later on, I'll head into my closet and quite casually put the clothes into my wash piles, pick some fresh clothes and carry on with what I was doing, and it'll be that way for another 5 days.
That's going to put a massive dent in my resistance, ground that's going to be hard to retake since Eleyna will be the much stronger part of me afterwards.
I have a confession tho, I can't claim this all for my own hard work. I owe a part of this success to some subtle help from some hypnosis recordings from studiojezebel.com. Specifically, the anti-guilt one and the "parts therapy" track.
I'm 35, I've been having this fight with myself for nearly 10 years, and that can't be healthy, and the 'self' I'm fighting against is a facade I worked hard to build back when I thought that cross-dressing would send me to hell. And the guilt I would experience when I'm at home, wearing a pair of panties was just stupid.
And basically those two tracks sounded like therapy for my specific problem, without the dubious component of some of the other tracks. What I wanted, basically, was a little freedom for the opressed side of myself to come out and prove that it's *not* a hateful abomination, but it's actually just my gentler, more compassionate, nicer side, and the kinky-twist has mainly been a tool for gaining ground.
Anyway, wish me luck for staying en-femme the rest of this week. Hopefully nice things arrive in the mail tomorrow and I can spend the day giddy as a girl trying on new outfits :) (Classic Closeouts were having a awesome sale - I bought nearly $500 worth of outfits for under $100, so decided to splash out on next day shipping, hehe).
Tomorrow I'm going to do some laundry, and I'm purposefully going to wash my remaining mens-boxers, and put them in the knicker drawer and put my Hanes' boxers under or alongside them. And on Monday I'm going to step back a little from Eleyna and see whether my boy side still wants to make a fight of this :) If my good luck holds out, he'll do the right thing, and I'll have reached a beautiful, comfortable place.
Wish me luck! And thank you for reading :)
I should point out that my cd/femmy side is a sort of deliberate choice. I'm a bit of a social chameleon, and I don't want to be an out cd. It's like when the lights come on at the movie theatre, and you find the screen is a bright color. I like the private me to be very different from the public me. And I find this as a great way to express it, but there's also a little bit of a kinky, maybe sadistic, twist to it - as in I like to torment my 'boy self' with it.
I've been experimenting with some lipsticks and just happen to have found some 'Kiki' ones I really like, and I'd been dressed from Friday so on Monday I found myself with some time to pass and was in the bathroom and decided to paint my toenails with a pink I'd gotten as a freebie from a mail-order. I felt that putting some bonder on first would be a nice twist. While I was waiting for it to dry, it was just entirely natural to shave my legs. When I was done I realized it meant I had no excuse not to wear my holdups now, since it wouldn't *require* me to wear the heavy, thick, opaque ones. A part of me groaned (I like wearing holdups way too much, hehe), and a part of me giggled ;)
In every sense I've given this week over to my 'perversion' :) I don't mind wearing guys clothes, e.g. today: I spent most of the day in a comfy pair of pink cords over a black thong (not a string), LoveFifi corset and halter, and a blouse, with my favorite 3in heel sneakers (yes, heeled sneakers). But I had stuff to do and so I slipped into a (mens) tee and jeans, but also switched to a pink pair of Hanes' comfortsoft briefs. I've allowed myself to stay in that too, because the fact I didn't use the chance to go totally boy is almost a major milestone in itself; nor did I decide to remove the (clear) nail polish (ok, it's Orly's nails for men, but even so) before going out. That's as much 'out' as I want to be, and there was no struggle over it today.
Mostly I've just been wearing my casual stuff - jeans, etc - but yesterday morning I was all set to put on my girls jeans when I got this sort of nudge from my boyself that I might as well make a day of it, like couldn't I maybe wear that crepe two-layer skirt and the layered blouson thingy? With some stockings? I haven't worn them together before and I've only worn the things separately as sort of jack-off material, so it was kinda cool spending most of the day in them.
The real risk to my going the entire remaining 5 days is just how *wonderful* it feels when I sort of 'come to' and realize that I've not even noticed what I'm wearing for the last 3 hours. Heck, a few years ago I could barely keep a pair of panties 3 hours never mind wear them for 3 minutes.
I spent most of my late teens trying to barricade away my curiosity in femme dress, and build defenses against giving in to it. So I've had to spend my 20s tearing that back down again. So this tiny level of acceptance has a delicious twist to it, ground taken - from my fake self. Where once I made myself hate and fear panties, now I'm making myself wear and love them.
Unlike my anti-pantie self, I'm a nice person. So I thought that rather than torment myself a lot, I should probably reward myself with a little half-way gift, so I ordered a few pairs of Hanes' "Authentic Boxers" in grey and white in exchange for one of my four remaining pairs of mens' boxers. Two of those are Sloggi, a brand which has a special place in my heart, which I'll keep for any dire emergencies.
My only regret is that I do have some outside commitments this week, or I could have painted my fingernails too, and I'd have liked that extra little touch of transformation, but I'm thrilled to bits with the knowledge that in a little while I'll go downstairs, switch into a clean pair of panties and a nightie, and go to sleep. I'll wake, pick out some clothes, jump into the shower, and step out, dry off and back into pink. Later on, I'll head into my closet and quite casually put the clothes into my wash piles, pick some fresh clothes and carry on with what I was doing, and it'll be that way for another 5 days.
That's going to put a massive dent in my resistance, ground that's going to be hard to retake since Eleyna will be the much stronger part of me afterwards.
I have a confession tho, I can't claim this all for my own hard work. I owe a part of this success to some subtle help from some hypnosis recordings from studiojezebel.com. Specifically, the anti-guilt one and the "parts therapy" track.
I'm 35, I've been having this fight with myself for nearly 10 years, and that can't be healthy, and the 'self' I'm fighting against is a facade I worked hard to build back when I thought that cross-dressing would send me to hell. And the guilt I would experience when I'm at home, wearing a pair of panties was just stupid.
And basically those two tracks sounded like therapy for my specific problem, without the dubious component of some of the other tracks. What I wanted, basically, was a little freedom for the opressed side of myself to come out and prove that it's *not* a hateful abomination, but it's actually just my gentler, more compassionate, nicer side, and the kinky-twist has mainly been a tool for gaining ground.
Anyway, wish me luck for staying en-femme the rest of this week. Hopefully nice things arrive in the mail tomorrow and I can spend the day giddy as a girl trying on new outfits :) (Classic Closeouts were having a awesome sale - I bought nearly $500 worth of outfits for under $100, so decided to splash out on next day shipping, hehe).
Tomorrow I'm going to do some laundry, and I'm purposefully going to wash my remaining mens-boxers, and put them in the knicker drawer and put my Hanes' boxers under or alongside them. And on Monday I'm going to step back a little from Eleyna and see whether my boy side still wants to make a fight of this :) If my good luck holds out, he'll do the right thing, and I'll have reached a beautiful, comfortable place.
Wish me luck! And thank you for reading :)