(Semi-Articulate) Rage Against the Machine

[LaSirenaBella]

This morning, I'm just beside myself with rage and anger. Yeah, I'm pretty mercurial that way. Why?

Well, last night, my SO and I finally got to watching the WE documentary that Melanie and Peggy sent us. We don't have extended cable, so we asked them to send us a copy of [I]The Secret Lives of Women. After watching it, my Beloved sat in stunned silence for about ten minutes. Of course, I feared the worst, along the lines of [someone on the mHB boards] SO's response, that my SO was going to just break down or pronounce me a "freak." God knows why, she's never done anything like that before (at least the latter), but I took it the wrong way. My Beloved could not put a finger on her fears, and I made the mistake of demanding an answer. Needless to say, our misinterpretations led to a fight, and we both shut down. I went to bed feeling extremely ashamed about myself, that my being a crossdresser has led to nothing but fear for our lives, our livelihoods - and that there not one damn thing we can do about it.

This morning, we were a little more clearheaded about things. While my Beloved admitted to feeling some exaggerated fears, that someone outside would have heard what we were watching, and exact some kind of revenge or fear-based response against us, she assumed that I wanted to go "full-steam ahead" with regard to being far more public about my crossdressing than she is comfortable with. Well, not necessarily. I'm not ready to go out and proclaim who I am to the entire world. That is not possible - or realistic. OTOH, I told my Beloved that we can't just cower in fear the rest of our lives, and yes, that I refuse to remain dressed behind locked doors the rest of my life. We need to find a balance, and I completely understand that.

What f---ing sucks is that we live in such a conservative state in such a conservative country ("freedom-loving," my a--!), that it infuriates me that my loved one has to remain in her fear. It angers me that I just have to STFU, for fear of becoming another Peter Oiler. It really, REALLY pisses me off that even someone like Peggy Rudd has to be so cautious; I never realized she has had such death threats. That angers and that saddens me, that even a "celebrity" like Dr. Rudd has to watch her back.

What the f--- kind of society do we live in? All this talk about freedom and liberty rings so hollow for me right now. People are sheep who are afraid of challenging their minds. People are conformist. God forbid you express yourself in such a way that "society doesn't approve." It's tough enough being of a different religious background; if I even say anything about being a crossdresser, then all bets are off. Well, all bets are off for right now. I am fully aware that I need to think of my career, my loved ones and my reputation. Then, it comes back to being angry that I have to do such things in this supposedly open society.

It angers me that I can't do "my part" (at least right now) to show this allegedly freedom-loving America that we who consider ourselves transgender, or two-spirit, a "womon," or whatever f--- else word you want to use to describe yourself, aren't a bunch of freaks or child molesters, etc. Well, I can do it, but that entails risking a very important relationship (which I will not do), as well as a means of surviving - and after fighting to get back what I have lost because I had the gall to fall ill.

It infuriates me that there is even so much f---ing infighting in this so-called transgender community. I have tended to agree with [another mHB member's] assertion that there is no "community." With all the jockeying for position of being "trannier-than-thou," and getting so involved in self-absorbed drama, we become our own worst enemy. Fine, if you want to stay stuck on stupid, and worry about whether you want to call yourselves the "Judean People's Front" or the "People's Front of Judea," leave me the f--- out of it. I'd rather work on building bridges, not arguing whether they should be built out of steel or iron!

Right now, American society sucks, people suck and should just be taken to some f---ing uncharted desert island to fend for themselves with nothing but coconuts and sharp sticks. Right now, I'm just sick that my loved one has to fear for her own life because she chooses to be with someone considered "freakish" by the sheeple out there.

Sorry, but that is how I'm feeling right now, and need to work on some way to get through this. I'm just having a bit of a Network moment.

Sirena

[Caitlintgsd]

I guess that pretty much sums it up. I know that not all locales are the same. But I've seen the local "tg community" act more like a school of piranhas on several occasions. And there certainly are those who adhere to the "trannier than thou" school of thought. I for one would like to poke them with a sharp stick. But I don't think that I'd like to go to that island to get the stick, unless I can be Ginger, but odds are I'd end up being Gilligan. Hang in there, there's lots of nice people in the world, regardless of how many others should be buried in the sand up to their ears. As for the "I'm more tg than you" crowd, I think that every "Barbie doll" should end up with a plastic headed Ken.

[Annaliese]

Why don't you tell as how you feel.

You put in to word how I have felt for a long time.

Thank you.

Anna

P.S. you don't live in Utah do you

[Sky]

Fine, if you want to stay stuck on stupid, and worry about whether you want to call yourselves the "Judean People's Front" or the "People's Front of Judea," leave me the f--- out of it.

Splitter ! :lol:


I'd rather work on building bridges...

Judging by your temper, you look perfect for the demolition crew!

[Karren H]

Well I thinkthat all SOs feel the same things...that their lifestyle as they know it will end...that friends and family will find out...that the kids will be picked on at school...that you will loose your good job...and that you will have to move!!

All valid fears, in our society as you have pointed out...

But hey...I'm not angry. That would just make me miserable and what's that going to do.. Nothing for me. Lifes too short (and getting shorter). So I'm going to find a "work-around" to use an engineering term and continue doing what I love to do!!

But then that's just me...

Love Karren

[Karren H]

P.S. you don't live in Utah do you

:) Utah is one of my favorite states to crossdress in!! LOL. But then again I don't have to live there!!

Love Karren

[Dominique Melt]

Sirena,

I have not seen the documentary except for what is posted on WE's site. I am sorry for your anguish, as so many of us here experience a full range of emotions about ourselves and our 'secret lives'. You have not articulated the exact nature of your fear or of your rage, only that you are consumed by it. I can see that part of your distress is from the question of how you will be judged by your SO or how will others judge your SO and then by the larger society. I certainly don't have any advice -- not that you are asking for any, but I would like to point out that blaming 'conservative' notions or elements is not where you should focus your anger. Without wanting to sound pedantic or clumsy, bear in mind that is precisely because our society is what it is, we don't have to fear for ourselves as those in more repressive regimes do. We don't live in a mullahcracy where 16-year old girls are hanged for being raped and gay boys are drowned in pits filled with human excrement and adulterers are stoned to death or shot in the back of the head. Is there complete acceptance of [our] differences here? Of course not, humans are flawed and humans are not perfect. We still see gays, lesbians, TGs, Christians, Jews, blacks, whites, etc., whatever, getting short shrift. Nobody is immune. Bear in mind that even though we face obstacles, we still live in the most open society yet, more so than Denmark, Holland or the stunningly depressed Scandinavian nations.
I am sure you don't fully agree, and that is your right. I would love to be able to strut my stuff, go about my day dressed en femme and not be ridiculed, mocked or threatened. But that is not entirely possible right now. However, it is more acceptable today than it was a generation ago. Just the mere fact that we have a forum on this thing called the Internet -- the greatest communication/media development since Gutenberg -- shows that things change, albeit slowly.
Sirena, focus your anger -- all that energy MUST go to something more positive that deserves it.
You are more than welcome to PM me and discuss this further.
Until then, find your calm center, and take action.

[Ms. Donna]

All excellent observations and all on the money. You have every right to be mad at the situation.

I have said this many times: There is no 'Transgender community'. Pockets of individuals supporting one another, some larger organizations working for (trans)gender rights and equality - but a 'community'? Hardly. The F2M side of the hall definitely have their act together compared to the M2F side.

Queen of the hill and trannier-than-thou are norm for most 'debates' about issues because we are - in general - a rather myopic lot.

But we're not all like this. Are you like this? Do you want to be like this?


It angers me that I can't do "my part" (at least right now) to show this allegedly freedom-loving America that we who consider ourselves transgender, or two-spirit, a "womon," or whatever f--- else word you want to use to describe yourself, aren't a bunch of freaks or child molesters, etc. Well, I can do it, but that entails risking a very important relationship (which I will not do), as well as a means of surviving - and after fighting to get back what I have lost because I had the gall to fall ill.

I don't know your situation and but I'll assume that there is a 'good reason' for your not being able to 'do something'. But 'doing your part' need not be a grandiose gesture. It can be as simple as participating here, helping others to better understand what it means to be transgender. It can be 'correcting' someone when they make a false statement about us. It can be working 'behind the scenes' for an activist group.

There is a lot you can do without putting yourself out there in plain sight.

Me, I couldn't hide any longer. I needed to be me all the time, and as a result, I'm openly trans all the time. No, I don't go around in a dress and heels - that's not my thing - but I do present as rather androgynous. I challenge people's peceptions and assumption on a dialy basis. I'm 'out' at work and recently found that I am the first in our firm of 20,000+ employees to actually stand up and say I'm Transgender (read about it here: Being the first to step forward. (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37768))

I didn't set out to change the world and I doubt that I will. I do this because I have to - I do it to survive. I do it because this is who I am. And I do it because it has to be done - people need to see us and know who we are.

Society sucks - no doubt about it. But whinging alone won't change things. If you have the desire to make a difference, then find a way to do so. Every little bit helps!

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Marla S]

LaSirenaBella,

well said !!!



Needless to say, our misinterpretations led to a fight, and we both shut down. I went to bed feeling extremely ashamed about myself, that my being a crossdresser has led to nothing but fear for our lives, our livelihoods - and that there not one damn thing we can do about it.

A wise statement by Tree from another thread:

I cannot see the forest OR the trees if there is an ocean between me & the woods. (We need to build a boat)



What the f--- kind of society do we live in? All this talk about freedom and liberty rings so hollow for me right now.
From the innermost roots, it's a highly bigotted one. This is not exlusive to the US. More or less everywhere the same. Depending on the area you live in, it might be more or less pronounced though.

Other than that: No solution to offer, other than making people aware of us and getting people used to us.
As Donna said: "Every little bit helps !" and counts.

[Dominique Melt]

Donna,

Well said.
I might add that coming out, being up front about ourselves is probably the hardest, most frightening thing to do. But ever since I began to reveal myself to others [in small increments] I find that the enormous stress of bearing the burden is gone. I have found that those who accept it appreciate not only my honesty and courage, but see me as being more genuine; more human. Those who reject me never accepted me in the first place. The fear is real, but fear is irrational. I know full well that there are sometimes consequences for our actions, beliefs, choices and desires -- we do live in an imperfect world. I do not for a moment dismiss LaSirena's [or anyone else's] concerns as being invalid. I only want to point out that, for me, the stress of hiding my CDing was more harmfull to me than living with the fact that other people know.

[Calliope]

What the f--- kind of society do we live in? All this talk about freedom and liberty rings so hollow for me right now.


Freedom is one of America's most promiscuous words. Freedom to or freedom from? Talk-show ideologues rarely venture there, preferring instead to posit absolute conceptions (with the usual bigoted code words).

I hope every member of this forum thinks about freedom to (crossdress) every time they vote. Myself, I will go to the polls with one of those stupid red, white & blue dresses that are inevitably marked down half price every July 5th.

[sterling12]

So.....work for change!

Without starting a big political fight among those of you who are on the Right or The Left, I can safely state that The USA has currently moved very far toward The Right, with a very vocal minority of Religious Fundamentalists holding a great deal of power. This in turn, often creates a climate of intolerance and non-acceptance of people who live alternative lifestyles or whose opinions differ from "The Accepted Norm".

If your unhappy with current policies and political "agenda's", then work for change! Nobody has to know of your femme alter-ego, but you can certainly start working within the system for change. If you want a more tolerant society, then pursue volunteer work that will foster those changes. This is not an advocacy for a particular political philosophy being "better" than another philosophy. My point is about what you are comfortable with. if your not comfortable, then try to change things.

I think our GLBT Community needs to start working together for positive changes that effect us! In turn, we need to work with other diverse, disenfranchised groups of people for further change.

The usual answer is, "Hey, I'm just one person and I can't effect anything!" Always remember, that the flood started with The First Drop of Water! The CD Community represents millions. I think that could be a very good start on a Societal Flood!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[RebeccaLynne]

And not gonna take it anymore! I watched the documentary referenced, and felt it to be a sympathetic portrayal of the lives of the participants. Every journey begins with one small step. We are all obligated to encourage tolerance and acceptance of lifestyles and personal choices which do no harm to others. Become an advocate for individual freedom through your daily interactions with others, and serve as an example of enlightenment. One small step may enable those who've never considered their obligation to society and freedom to take a stand and begin the trip.

[tekla west]

"Judging by your temper, you look perfect for the demolition crew!"

I would most politely suggest that if you are not upset, if you are not angry, if you are not mad as hell, then you are just not paying attention.

There is a lot to be upset about and not just in the trans "community" a word that is not descriptive at all. But find a way to make a difference. A way you can contribute. And vote. Demand transparent elections. Demand that our would-be leaders are accountable.

To the degree that we are in the "land of the free and the home of the brave" then in order to have the first, you must be the second.

[Sarah Rabbit]

Fine, if you want to stay stuck on stupid, and worry about whether you want to call yourselves the "Judean People's Front" or the "People's Front of Judea,"
Sirena
How dare you put me in the same company as
"Judean Peoples Front" or the "Peoples Front of Judeah" I am from the "Popular Peoples Front of Judeah" :lol: :lol2:

Sarah R. :bunny:

[kateyliz]

Serena sweetie, I hope you feel better. Sometimes a venting is a great cathartic. I am deep in the closet so I do what I can by lending my support to the general principles of individual freedom and personal responsibility even in such unrelated areas as smoking, gun ownership, seatbelt laws and helmet laws. If I have a chance to defuse someones prejudice about any of our related activities I will usually ask something like "Why do you care?" or "Just how does that threaten you". It dumps the wind from a lot of sails and infuriates the bigots (something I find to be great fun). So hang in there, and remember that you can't choose your relatives, you may be stuck with some acquaintances, but you can choose your friends. Hugs Kathy

[LaSirenaBella]

Thank you everyone,

For me, being angry will be the first step in making some change. I know I can't change the world. I've just been stuck in various aspects in my life, and things are on the verge of moving forward. I just don't like being where I am in life right now, but I am - and will - do my best to improve my situation.

I whine, then I take action.

And no, I'm not in Utah, but it may as well be.

IIRC, I went to vote one time en femme. Then again, I was living in NYC at the time, and no one raised a peep. That was good. :)

Thanks again!


If your unhappy with current policies and political "agenda's", then work for change!

Well, one thing I have done is advocacy for GLBTs, as much as I can. I will be doing the same thing once I get my career back on track.



Splitter ! :lol:


Judging by your temper, you look perfect for the demolition crew!

That's bloody splitter. :D

No, I'm pissed off, but I'd rather be a "lumper" rather than a "splitter." I'm ok, so long as you get on my bad side. Believe it or not, it's hard to do that. :)

Tekla hit the nail on the head. It's my way of indicating that I'm paying attention, probably too much for my own good, and for the good of my blood pressure.



This is not exlusive to the US. More or less everywhere the same.

I understand, Marla. I can only speak for the US, as this is where I have been for most of my life. I've heard about greater, yet varying degrees of tolerance in places like Germany, Thailand, Canada, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Finland and Sweden. They are certainly reportedly better than Iran, Saudi Arabia, or Guatemala.

YMMV, I'd say.

Thank you all for posting.

Sirena

[Kimberly]

These words are from the heart, and I agree whole-heartedly.

But other members are right on this one: only through working for change can change be met.

xx

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I have said this many times: There is no 'Transgender community'. Pockets of individuals supporting one another, some larger organizations working for (trans)gender rights and equality - but a 'community'? Hardly....

Queen of the hill and trannier-than-thou are norm for most 'debates' about issues because we are - in general - a rather myopic lot.

My professional field (relatively new) has been going through the definitional wars and the "one title to rule them all" competition -- although lately some of the leading figures have been encouraging folks to think about the field as a communities. In other words, recognizing the differences that do exist between people with different backgrounds and focus, but ultimately we've got a lot more in common (and those commonalities are what set us apart from other fields).

It's a pretty good model for the trans communities. But in our case it's worth taking a step back from the internecine squabbling and recognize that those who hate us rarely draw distinctions transsexuals, crossdressers, drag queens, gays, effeminate straight men, etc. As Benjamin Franklin said, we must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.

[Marla S]

I understand, Marla. I can only speak for the US, as this is where I have been for most of my life. I've heard about greater, yet varying degrees of tolerance in places like Germany, Thailand, Canada, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Finland and Sweden. They are certainly reportedly better than Iran, Saudi Arabia, or Guatemala.

YMMV, I'd say.

Thank you for posting.

Sirena

Well, I know Germany the best :D

Living in Berlin, the tolerance (or ignorance) in general certainly is a bit higher than in a small village in Bavaria. Nevertheless even in Berlin we are not loved for what we are. There are "scene"-districts where you have an easier life, but this means also that you have to be kind of part of the subcultures (not anybody's pigeon), there are middle-class districts (poeple mostly don't care, but might be afraid of their children), districts one shouldn't go to, etc. In any case you have to think twice when and where you go, dressed by which degree in order not to activate trouble.
I've told the story already: A few years ago there has been a respected mayor of a small town who came out as TS after two or three years in office. I think she just came to a town-hall-meeting en femme. (Michaela Lindner (http://www.amazon.de/bin-%f6ffentliches-Leben-Mann-Frau/dp/3821816287/sr=8-12/qid=1157188275/ref=sr_1_12/302-5220747-1714454?ie=UTF8&s=gateway), German only)
Well, big bother, no re-election, mocking, lost job, trouble with family, was made to leave the town, though it was admitted by the townsfolks that she made a good job in office.
Now she's part of the Berlin-subculture.
We had Charlotte von Mahlsdorf (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_von_Mahlsdorf), a CD. She got the highest German civil order, but finally left Germany due increasing neo-nazi activities in the area she lived.
(On the other side the lord mayor of Berlin is gay (as well as the leader of the liberal party*). "Nobody" cares and he most likely will be re-elected (if not, then due to political reasons); but being gay is something "different" anyway)
Or what happened to GypsyKaren easily could happen here too. Having an anti-discrimination law installed since recently, doesn't mean that they can't construct an "other reason" to kick you out.
All in all this is highly bigotted too.
For the western countries and on a personal level I think it is more important to find a place there with a higher tolerance level, than to judge this by country (just too divers within a country and even towns, and depending on too many individual circumstances).

*liberal has kind of the opposite meaning here in Germany than in the US. The Liberals would belong rather to the Republicans than to the Democrates :D

[ReginaK]

Freedom is one of America's most promiscuous words. Freedom to or freedom from? Talk-show ideologues rarely venture there, preferring instead to posit absolute conceptions (with the usual bigoted code words).

I hope every member of this forum thinks about freedom to (crossdress) every time they vote. Myself, I will go to the polls with one of those stupid red, white & blue dresses that are inevitably marked down half price every July 5th.

If I attempted to vote dressed, I seriously think I would be denied the right to vote. Not only is my local polling place in a church, but it's overseen by some very conservative old women.

[Ms. Donna]

It's a pretty good model for the trans communities. But in our case it's worth taking a step back from the internecine squabbling and recognize that those who hate us rarely draw distinctions transsexuals, crossdressers, drag queens, gays, effeminate straight men, etc. As Benjamin Franklin said, we must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
For sure, we are seen a one large group of freaks by those who have no tolerance - but then, no matter what we do, they will still see us the same way. :mad:

Communities is a much better way to look at us, although we do need something to tie us together if there is to be any change. As individual sub-groups, I don't know that we have the strength necessary to make a significant impact. Together, we have a much better chance - provided we can stop fighting over who is more 'real' or more 'trans' than the next.


Can you share what your professional field is? (Privately if you prefer?) Just curious...


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Jennifer Giovannetta]

Sirena,
I absolutely agree with you. It is sometimes frustrating to not be able to wear the clothes I want to wear. My wifes clothes are so nice and it makes me jealous. I sometimes wonder what it would really be like to be able to wear the clothes I would like to wear.
The death threats are a scary thing. That contributes to my fear of going out to any crossdressing get together. It is totally unessasary to me at least to hate someone because of the lifestyle they choose to live. Especially if it is not harming anyone. Furthermore, it is enriching someones life. Crossdressing is not totally socially acceptable. And this crossdresser understands that. But the death threats, and the violence associated with it is something we all have to consider when we do what we love to do. We all have to be careful.
Also, I must point out that the infighting that you mentioned is quite real. My first attepts to reach out to other CD's was quite frustrating. When I tried to AOL chatrooms a few years ago, some of the other CD's (I guess they were) were rude, to outright insulting, to just plain mean. And if you did not belong to a particular clique, then you were not accepted. And a lot of the people there were looking for other things. But the same cannot be said about this forum. All of the girls are so nice, and supportive. I hope that this is what the girls are like in person. I know that nobody is perfect. But in this world that does not accept the transgenderd community 100%, we have to stick together. Your statement has triggered a statement from me!
Thank you for your contribution.
Jennifer

[kittypw GG]

:) Utah is one of my favorite states to crossdress in!! LOL. But then again I don't have to live there!!

Love Karren

Hey when I was in Salt lake city, two blocks from the reviered Mormon fortress, there was a bar hosting "fetish night" in bold neon. :D There is hope in every city.

This is truly the land of the free. I can't say this enough. If you have self confidence and hold your head high people will respect that. If you go around looking all ashamed then people assume that there is something wrong with you. It is more about body language then what you wear.

People are more accepting than you think.