So, here we are again...

[~Dee~]

sorry ... but this is something of a rant .. well, maybe not a rant... but i have to say things or else ill just keep on feeling like this ..

well .. as some of you know, i recently failed my liver function blood test .. not a good thing.
yesterday i went down to see the vampire and had them retest the blood to make sure it wasnt a temporary thing or a false reading or whatever ..

well it wasnt ..
my liver count has double in the short time since my last test.
conclussion: im destroying my liver.
before .. i was anti-a's for so long and there was no difference in readings .. so its not the anti-a's .. its the hormones.

so today i went to my doc, expecting to talk about the old test and assure him that a new test should be coming in the mail soon and it would probably clear me ... nope, he already had it .. the pathology labs had express couriered it over to him and so it was ready and waiting for me when i arrived.

so then we explored options ..
my option is to stop my hormones ..

now ..... ive said this many times irl, and probably if i had half a brain right now id remember saying it on here at some point too .. but, ive always said that id prefer to die than go back.
i like me now.
i didnt like me then.
yes, i know i can keep transitioning in a sort of manner.. but thats not the path i had chose..
and if i cant keep on my meds .. then it looks like i cant go through with surgery either ...
woohoo .. i just saved us AUS$20,000 .. but somehow im not all that pleased.

my meds have made me so very much happier with myself .. ive been able to feel for what seems like the first time and now i have to look at stopping them ..

i had to keep talking to my doc just to stop from crying .. (i do that a lot lately for the most stupid of reasons .. at least this one would of been justified)

i dont know who i can talk to about this .. cause i know that everyone would just tell me to stop the hormones as if its so easy an option.. like never eating carrots again.
so i feel alone and i feel like im heading back to where i was before.. and i hate that.
and to be honest what i hate having to come on here and say something about it ..
i want to feel like alone is fine ..

i know that most people who are reading this are probably just thinking this is a useless post because i have a clear and obvious option available to me .. simply stop.
but i just cant bring myself to do that ... so ive gone against medical opinion and opted to continue with hormones .. ive switched to different sorts so that i can see if that helps .. so i will be hoping.

well .. thanks for reading this far ..
now ive got to pull myself together enough so that i can go out and get groceries. at least its bright outside, so i can just keep my shades on all day.
sorry kitty.
sorry everyone else ... i dont know if this post makes any sense .. and i know its full of bitterness and such ..
i promise my next post will be sweeter.

D.
:sad:

[Kimberley]

Oh Dee,
I am sooooo sorry to hear this. Are there ANY options? Do they know which hormone or is it a combination?

Both you and Kitty must be devestated.

You are in my prayers and with the hope they can find an alternative for you. AND you are right. Going back should not be an option.


BIG :hugs: for both of you

Kimberley

[CaptLex]

i know that most people who are reading this are probably just thinking this is a useless post because i have a clear and obvious option available to me .. simply stop.
Oh, Dee . . . my heart breaks for you. I don't think it's an easy option at all. I really hope there is another alternative rather than stopping. I know I couldn't go back now either. My situation is not as grave as yours, but I can relate a bit (I've endured excruciating pain rather than go back to taking female hormones). But liver damage? Man, that sucks! I don't know what to say . . . except that I feel for you. I don't pray much anymore, but I will say a prayer that things will work out and they'll find another way. They have to. I'm so sorry. :sad:


sorry everyone else ... i dont know if this post makes any sense .. and i know its full of bitterness and such .. i promise my next post will be sweeter.
Please don't apologize. You may prefer to keep this inside you, but I'm glad you shared with us. I hope it made you feel at least a little better. :hugs:

[AmberTG]

That's really lousy news for you, I'm sorry to here that. One option would be to reduce your dosage level, it will slow down the progress, but at least it won't stop. Using a patch may be another option, it's supposed to be easier on the liver than taking pills.
Amber

[cindianna_jones]

Dee, I don't know if you had planned to go complete through a change and get the SRS or not.

But, I had to quit taking hormones as well. You can still go through the change.

If all you want to do is get rid of the testosterone you can do that too. You know what must be done in that case.

I feel for you. I know that it is a setback. But it isn't a show stopper.

Once you get rid of the T, you'll notice a very big change in your outlook.

Cindi

[GypsyKaren]

I wish there was an easy button I could offer you Dee, but there isn't one. Only you know what's best for you, and it's a decision only you can make. Like Cindi said, you can still have the surgery without the hormones, and you'll still have your life.

Karen

[Sandra]

Dee I am sorry to hear this. :hugs:

[Di]

Dee, I am so sorry....no need to apologize, thats what this place is for...a safe place for you to be you....and come to for support...i'm also hoping they can come up with another option for you. Sending hugs and prayers. Di

[Ms. Donna]

I am so sorry to hear this Dee - I won't pretend to know how you feel because I can't, but the sadness and frustration are quite clear in your post.

I will comment on one thing though:


now ..... ive said this many times irl, and probably if i had half a brain right now id remember saying it on here at some point too .. but, ive always said that id prefer to die than go back.
i like me now.
i didnt like me then.
yes, i know i can keep transitioning in a sort of manner.. but thats not the path i had chose..
and if i cant keep on my meds .. then it looks like i cant go through with surgery either ...


You have chosen a path and now someone has put up a seemingly insurmountable wall in the middle of the road. What do you do? Do you stop there? Do you go back home? Or you find a new path?

If there is anything we should know, it's that there is no roadmap for our lives. Every day is a new challenge for us. You wanted to transition, is there anything - other than yourself - stopping you at this point? From where I sit (on the other side of the planet) you have the most important part of this whole process - the love and support of Kitty. The rest is just icing - so to speak.

Not that you need me to tell you this, but if the hormones are killing you, continuing to take them - even less of them - is now a crap-shoot and the odd are definitely in the house's favor. At least stop for a while to get some perspective on things.

It sounds trite, but it is not the end of the world - just the end of this particular path. You need make a detour now, not turn back. Get out your compass, look at the map...

And don't be afraid to ask for directions! :)

You and Kitty are in my thoughts.

Love and :hugs:
Donna

[~Kitty GG~]

Dee found this bad news out by herself. I was blissfully unaware.

I hate that I wasn't with her to hear the news and to hold her hand. I hate that she's had to feel alone in the world again. And oh how I hate the news!

Right now its time to cry.. rant.. throw things.. curse the world.. and wallow in the irony of it all and resent how cruel life can be.

But then we will find a way to circumvent this just like we always do.

Looks like I'm back to researching what's available and what's best for our particular situation.

We appreciate the support, kind words, suggestions, & warm thoughts of you all. Thanx.

Love & Hugs
~:star:Kitty:star:~

[Teri]

Hang in there Dee.

[Kimberley]

Kitty,

Dee is not alone, ever. She always has you and about 5000 of us. There has to an alternative for her. This can only be a temporary setback. There are always alternatives. No matter what they turn out to be, she will have your support and that is what will help her.

:hugs:
Kimberley.

[JenniferMint]

yes, i know i can keep transitioning in a sort of manner.. but thats not the path i had chose..
and if i cant keep on my meds .. then it looks like i cant go through with surgery either ...
woohoo .. i just saved us AUS$20,000 .. but somehow im not all that pleased.

There is nothing stopping you from getting SRS just because you can't take HRT anymore. If you're referring to the HBIGDA SoC requirement of being on HRT for X months before getting SRS, this requirement is waived in case there is a medical contraindication to HRT.

[Lilian]

Dee, you are not alone. everyone of us will listen. i just hope you get well real soon :hugs: :hugs: for you

[Clare]

Hey Dee.

This is shocking news! However ... your health must come first. Trust your Doctor k?

As others have suggested, there alternatives for you. It's a matter of researching them and finding one which is beneficial for you. Don't give up on the long term goal because of a (admittedly big) setback. You have lots of time to get back into 'sync' with your transitioning process.

I know it's an emotional blow to your confidence, but keep focused on the desired outcome and you'll find it'll happen.

:hugs: to ya Sis.

[ChristineRenee]

I'm really sorry to read of this news Dee. As someone who has been on HRT for the past 3 years, I can empathize with you. Like you, I like who I am now, and while I know that it is more than just being on the hormones, the hormones have played a significant part in that development. I would not want to go back either...and yet the health risks are very real for many of us and can't be ignored...so I understand how difficult this is for you Dee.

Please take care of yourself and be safe sis.:hugs:

[Angie G]

Hi Dee sorry about the liver hope al works out for you :hugs:
Angie G.

[Tracy Lynn]

Keep your chin up Dee. You will find your way through this obstacle.

[Natasha Anne]

You have my empathy. It was my biggest fear when I commenced taking hormones and anti-a's. I remember hoping like mad that nothing would go wrong before I needed to go for SRS. I was particularly worried about the impact to my liver and also about potential blot clots. I've experienced neither, but I still remain concerned.

Even with approx one month to go (money dependent!!!) to SRS I still want to get there to reduce the number of hormones and anti-a's I take. Naturally I have far bigger reasons for SRS, but that is a small and important one too.

If it was the anti-a's an orchi might have been the answer. Anti-A's are really hard on your liver.

Perhaps it's a combination of taking them and anti-a's.

So have you considered an orchi, trying different anti-a's and hormones that you can take sublingually or inject) or different dosages. You might also try drinking more water and also taking something to help your liver.

Lastly, remember you liver is the only organ in the body that can regrow and it has an incredible ability to recover as long as there is no scarring.

I hope things improve dramatically and quickly for you.

[~Dee~]

Hello people.

well, today is a new day.
yesterday i had to attend the doctor alone as Kitty was unable to come with me and so i was basically alone, annoyed and bitter after the bad news.
i didnt have anyone i could sit down and talk to about this situation and so i just felt awful.
i didnt want to email Kitty at work and tell her the news, cause i knew that she would be worried about me and it would make things harder for her .. so i just kept going round and round all by myself...
thankyou for listening to my whine and thanks for the supportive comments.

after i wrote the thread and headed off i felt a little bit better and it at least helped me through the day until Kitty came home and fixed the last little bit that was needed.
im used to being ..... private.
i dont usually just blurt out stuff to people, which is why it was hard for me to deal with this ..
but i do thank you all for being patient with a beginner.

but .. its not what happens on the day, its what you do after the news.
today things are better ..
ive told my doctor to switch me to patch versions of the oestrogen that i was on and ill try this for a little while, while we re-adjust our plans for a more long term benefit.
ive also canned anything else that might be added stress on my liver and will continue with this for the time being.

a special thanks to those who just supported and didnt judge too harshly what i was actually saying.
yesterday it just became overwhelming for me .... i was ranting and raving .. i wasnt looking for corrections in my statements ... in fact, i cant even remember a single thing of what i wrote .. i was just upset and angry and needed to vent.
im young, healthy and have always tried to look after myself .. and yet this was the outcome anyway ... and yet there are those who do not go down this healthier path and yet have no problems... it got to me yesterday .. it doesnt today.

btw, thank you Kehleyr for the mass of information.

i always knew that a solution would present itself .. but its hard to see what the solution might be when you are all twisted up inside ...
once i got to let that out, i started to think more clearly and was able to do more to help the situation.... as well as get my grocery shopping done.

my hormones have done a lot for me... and i just cant think of going off them.
i hated who i was before i started down this road and it just all started to look like i was going to end up back there ..
this is a setback .. but im not dead yet .. which means i have options.
i have my Kitty still and so people can be assured that im not about to give up and just die ... im leaving her kicking and screaming.

so ... umm .. im kinda rambling a bit here too ..
i feel bad for making others feel bad .. and i feel awkward for being so petty .. as i said, im not very good at this kind of thing.
but, i do well and truly appreciate the support (and prayers - lex) and help.
please dont worry about me .. things will sort themselves out and im sure there are enough other people who deserve your concern and support more than i.
you all have helped me greatly already.

thanks.
D.

[~Kitty GG~]

Well as Dee said.. its the day after. And this is what counts. Its not only perfectly normal to need a good rant when you get such disheartening news.. but its healthy too.

But now we put away the anger and frustration and find the solution.

Thanx so much for all your support and even prayers. And especially thanx to Kehleyr. That's all good info and backs up the research that I did last nite. I hadn't even thought about looking into injections tho. I don't think I've heard of a single person here in oz who uses that method.. But I'm gonna for sure find out about it now!

We're making plans and back-up plans to find the best solutions. And we're both committed to the solution NOT being to give up and turn back.

thanx again!

Love & Hugs
~:star:Kitty:star:~

ps.. dark new day is a fav band of ours.. and we prefer dark to light.. so the title of this post is not a negative thought at all. :devil: