Wife's Brutal Honesty

[ColleenCD]

My wife and I spent Sunday shopping for new fall clothes for her. It was still a thrill to pick through and select tops and pants and and skirts and shoes with full knowledge of what is in style this season. We went from Kohls to Macy's to Dillard's and even Nordstrom's Rack. When we were shopping for skirts, she as usual, resisted wanting to get a skirt.

After this full day of shopping we ate grilled steaks with plenty of wine and we decided to hang out at home and unwind with a little Food Network. I had my computer on and decided to show her this website. This is where it gets a little tricky.

She told me "I will not be the wife who dresses her husband." "That's fine" I told her, " I never asked you to anyway." She told me that she read the books I bought (My husband wears my clothes, and My Husband Betty), and she saw the WE TV program The Secret Lives of Women. Then came the silver bullet.

She reminded me that all day I kept asking her why she didn't like to wear skirts. She told me it was because of the fem clothes I wear. This threw me. All week long I've tried to put away any guilt associated with her not wanting to wear feminine clothing...because of my desire to wear them. Since then my dressing has been greatly diminished, panties only. I've been quiet and distant, trying to figure out how to get her to be OK with being more feminine and not loose who I am in the process? Sorry for the long Post, but I would love to hear your comments.

Colleen

[Stephenie S]

Stop trying to influence what your wife wears.

Do you want her to control your dressing? What she wears is her business. What you wear is yours. Let her know what you like and then step back.

Don't agonize over what someone else wants to wear.

JMHO

Steph

[eleyna]

It could be that she's confused about your interest in her clothing, that she sees it as your interest in stocking a mutual wardrobe rather than appreciating what it does for her femininity; like the guy who keeps recommending the fish dishes at a restaurant no matter how much you repeat that you don't eat seafood. She maybe need a little romancing and reminding that she is who you married, not her wardrobe or your desire to be in - as in wearing - her panties.

[Satrana]

Sounds like she is using reverse psychology to make you think. Give her the same freedom to dress as she likes as you want for yourself.

[GypsyKaren]

I never even tried to tell my kids how to dress, I certainly wouldn't try it on an adult...leave her be.

Karen

[Marla S]

... , trying to figure out how to get her to be OK with being more feminine and not loose who I am in the process? ...

It's not up to you to decide or insist on her style (as it shouldn't for her on yours (theoretically)).
This is probably one of the biggest mistakes you can make. All you will reach is making her feel uncomfortable and setting yourself into a bad light.

(I know what I am talking about: Success temporary, damage enduring, feeling miserable)

[Mandy Salamander]

agreeing with karen (and others),,, i absolutely hate 't when somebody tries t' tell mee how i should dress!!!!! ~soooo, feel like they'd feel 'bout th' same,,,

[suzy]

Looks like a consensus to me.......:D

I would give her some space....It sounds like she is struggling with issues at the moment and any pressure could blow up in your face...:2c:

[kittypw GG]

Skirts equal less freedom for women. You have to watch how you sit. You can't just bend over, you have to wear the right shoes, your legs need to be shaved. I remember a time when women couldn't wear anything else. The only time we could wear pants was under our skirts when it was 20 below zero. You HAD to wear a skirt to church and school. Growing up, the only shoes my mom owned was high heels, try doing that on a daily basis.:( The only women who don't have the freedom of wearing pants are the ones in kookie religious cults where the men dictate what the women wear, which is usually skirts.
We fought for the right to wear pants and have freedom of choice for ourselves independant of men. Maybe your wife just wants you to stop nagging her about what YOU think is feminine for her to wear. Just an idea, I don't know your wife. :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

I know what you are saying about skirts and stuff Kitty but just let anyone try to tell ME how to dress, sit, walk, talk, yadda, yadda. I'm my own person and not your "typical"(whatever THAT is) M T F CD (Whoda guessed?). Sometimes even my sisters get upset with me because I'm not "feminine" enough but hey, what you see is what you get and I'm not pretentious at all or "society oriented". I agree with you though, everyone should be free to wear what they want, especially women because this society has down trodden them in the past saying they "had" to wear certain things. What you wear is an expression of who you are. When I see a gal in casual comfortable wear, I say to myself "good for her, she's where she wants to be." Works for me. :happy: Ericka Kay

[Jackie-Ann]

Hi, Collen, it seems to me that your wife's only issue is not "skirts" but being married to a CD. feminine man. Its my modest opinion ( after reading your post) that she's not happy.Think about this hint:

"She told me "I will not be the wife who dresses her husband."

I get the impression that she's battling being married to another "woman".
In general, lets not kid ourselves, our wives cope with us because they love us not because they love being with another woman.Otherwise they'll be lesbians and in that case it would be easier to find a GG.
I came to the above conclusion from my own experience and statements made by my wife, like saying:
" I like to see you at peace with yourself "...."You are happier when enfemme". In return I try to be like a girlfriend, by giving her my point of view when asked. Going shopping together makes her happy but I lift always her spirits and never impose my wishes, I just suggest.

Collen, being feminine or feeling like a woman, its not just wearing their clothes and have a female name, its learning to be like them.We were born in a male body with a female side in us. It requires to put behind our manly emotions and dress ourselves with the female persona.This creates a struggle that only each of us knows.

[monalisa]

So let her wear the pants in the family.

[Jackie-Ann]

Hi,kittypw GG, its nice reading a post from a GG, indeed !!...I love history and anyone that studys it will find out the struggle that women went thru and they're going thru in our modern society around the world.
Half of the population of the planet is under Muslim rule, I wouldn't like to be a woman in that environment, neither a CD, TS, etc.
Women in our Western society had come a long way, indeed but its more ahead. Like you said:
"We fought for the right to wear pants and have freedom of choice for ourselves independant of men. "

[ChristineRenee]

Stop trying to influence what your wife wears.

Do you want her to control your dressing? What she wears is her business. What you wear is yours. Let her know what you like and then step back.

Don't agonize over what someone else wants to wear.

JMHO

StephGood post. My wife wears what she feels looks good on her...and I think that she has very good taste, and good sense, in what she buys and wears. Whether your wife wears skirts or not is up to her...not you...regardless of how you dress enfemme. Let her do her thing...and you do yours.

[KateW]

While it can be baffling to us why women may not want to wear feminine clothing, I can also relate to it because I'm not particularly fond of men's clothes either!

[~Kitty GG~]

I agree with the general opinion here that its no fun having someone else tell you how to dress.

I agree with Kitty that skirts and heels can be very restrictive and not always fun or even situation appropriate.

I agree with Jackie Ann as well. It seems to me that your wife gave you some big clues about how she's not comfortable with your dressing.

And I think there could be another side to it as well. Its often about attracting the male eye or attention when we dress in a more feminine style. What if she doesn't feel like she's got a male eye to attract? Or that she's not in a place right now where she wants to be attractive?

In the end it comes down to actually asking her why.. and communicating about both of your thoughts, feelings, expectations etc. She's given you clues.. but actual facts are much more productive.

Love & Hugs
~:star:Kitty:star:~

[julie w]

I think we have to remember that women have worn skirts all there lives
so its no thrill unlike us , my ex wife wore skirts when we first meet ,but rarely after that ,my gf rarely wears pants not to please me but because
skirts and dresses fit her better than pants ,as for me I hate pants



this should ruffle some feathers with the gg s when my gf s friends and my sister complain to me
they cant meet a nice guy , I say loose weight grow your hair and dress like
a women . they dont like the answer but like it or not its true

[DonnaT]

She reminded me that all day I kept asking her why she didn't like to wear skirts. She told me it was because of the fem clothes I wear. This threw me. All week long I've tried to put away any guilt associated with her not wanting to wear feminine clothing...because of my desire to wear them. Since then my dressing has been greatly diminished, panties only. I've been quiet and distant, trying to figure out how to get her to be OK with being more feminine and not loose who I am in the process? Sorry for the long Post, but I would love to hear your comments.

Colleen, it didn't sound like you were trying to tell her how to dress to me. Sounded like a simple question. I've asked my wife the same, because she won't wear dresses or skirts. We never know the answer until we ask, right?!

As for figuring out how to get her to be OK with being more feminine, I wouldn't suggest even trying.

It implies she's not feminine enough for you, and I'm sure you don't really find that to be true. I suggest you simply compliment her on her appearance regardless of how she's dressed.

OK, now you are feeling down because you think it's your fault she won't wear a skirt. However, it doesn't seem to me that she misses wearing skirts. And it doesn't seem to me that she can't wear a skirt simply because you like to. Sounds like she's just made a decision on how she prefers to dress. So, it's not really your fault, it's her choice.

I think I know where your coming from though. We attended a semi-formal type TG Christmas Party, and my wife wouldn't wear a gown, dress or skirt, preferring a nice sweater and slacks while saying the dressing up and party was "my thing". All I could say (to myself) was, it's her choice.

[Kimberly]

Strange... I seem to bring out the feminine part of my friends and loved ones when I tell them.

The girlfriend I came out to didn't change much, but some of my friends have been more feminine with me (in terms of style) since coming out to them.

I've had the opposite effect, it seems. But Marla S is quite right -- you shouldn't dictate your SO's style. You expect a freedom to express yourself; so should she. :)

Give and take.

Addition: I don't believe the epitimy of femininity is wearing a skirt. It's a gesture, an emotion, a look, a style... all of them and only one of them. Something more tangable than a skirt. You show her this, she'll be more comfortable. :)

[EricaCD]

this should ruffle some feathers with the gg s when my gf s friends and my sister complain to me
they cant meet a nice guy , I say loose weight grow your hair and dress like
a women . they dont like the answer but like it or not its true

FWIW you have also managed to ruffle the feathers of at least one CD... :Angry3:

Perhaps they mean they can't meet anyone other than shallow guys who resolutely refuse to look one millimeter below skin depth.

Sheesh.
Erica

[kittypw GG]

FWIW you have also managed to ruffle the feathers of at least one CD... :Angry3:

Perhaps they mean they can't meet anyone other than shallow guys who resolutely refuse to look one millimeter below skin depth.

Sheesh.
Erica

Erica,
YOU GO GIRL :thumbsup: I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for speaking for a lot of us.

[Rachel Morley]

this should ruffle some feathers with the gg s when my gf s friends and my sister complain to me they cant meet a nice guy , I say loose weight grow your hair and dress like a women . they dont like the answer but like it or not its true

WTF! ruffle the feathers with the GGs?! You are joking right?....this is a wind up just to annoy people, right?

That is such a misogynistic statement to me :Angry3: :Angry3:

[Melanie R]

[QUOTE=ColleenCD;547982]
She told me "I will not be the wife who dresses her husband." "That's fine" I told her, " I never asked you to anyway." She told me that she read the books I bought (My husband wears my clothes, and My Husband Betty), and she saw the WE TV program The Secret Lives of Women. Then came the silver bullet.

I am Melanie shown in the WE program with wife Peggy. I have to clarify that Peggy never dresses me. Yes, when she first met Melanie 25 years ago she said I needed help and I did. The WE director wanted to show Peggy dressing me and putting on my makeup but Peggy told them that I do not need any help with clothes and makeup. However, she does help me with my hair.

Your wife obviously needs more time to come to her level of understanding and acceptance of your crossdressing. Many wives do see their husbands as putting the woman in the mirror above them and they may feel threatened by the "other woman". Many CD's find a higher level of understanding and acceptance when they ask their wives for advice regarding clothing, makeup, etc. and put themselves in their wife's hands Some wives may refuse this request.

In my 26 years of being a part of the TG community and communicating with thousands of CD's and wives, I will say again that wives who come to a higher level of acceptance and understanding are those who have higher self estemn and acceptance, are confident of their husband's love and commitment, and themselves have found a good balance with their own femininity and masculinity. At the many TG conventions and support groups I have attended usually the CD's are the ones in skirts - not the wives. And that is their choice. Do they wear the pants because they have lost some of their femininity as a reaction to their husbands being in a skirt? Some may but most have not. My hope is that more wives will be like Peggy who sees her husband no matter what he/she is wearing.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Billijo49504]

Gee, my wife bought a skirt for herself, but decided it looked better on me than her....BJ

[AmberTG]

I can't wear my wife's skirts (or pants) they're too big for me, they fall right off my skinny hips. It seems I don't wear the pants in this family. :-)
We sometimes discuss her clothing, I know what I like to see her in, but it's not her preferred style.
As to the comment that was made by Julie W, it's true that if you want to attract a man's attention, you have to be noticable to him, if you just look like everyone else, a man won't notice you and won't be attracted to you. That's just a fact of "normal" male attraction. Men are usually sexually attracted to a woman before they take the time to get to know them as a person. Just basic male biology, like it or not. Men are pigs, what can I say.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

this should ruffle some feathers with the gg s when my gf s friends and my sister complain to me
they cant meet a nice guy , I say loose weight grow your hair and dress like
a women . they dont like the answer but like it or not its true

Count me as another CD who's feathers are ruffled. :Angry3:

Or would you be happy with them telling you to get buffed out at the gym, get a high-paying job, and dress like a man?

[ashlee chiffon]

[QUOTE=kittypw GG;548136]Skirts equal less freedom for women. You have to watch how you sit. You can't just bend over, you have to wear the right shoes, your legs need to be shaved.
We fought for the right to wear pants and have freedom of choice for ourselves independant of men.

as cd's, many of us yearn for the freedom of dress that would allow us the freedom to enjoy those restrictions when we wish without the social consequences...as they are part of our desire to dress in the manner we prefer,which includes skirts and dresses, and all the restrictions and limitations those items entail,while we love the movement of loose skirts and the tightness of form fitting ones, the feeling of smooth legs pressed together as we sit or bend, etc. As Women, You have won your right to dress as you wish...unfortunately, we are still fighting that fight!
Funny world, isn't it?:idontknow:

[kittypw GG]

Ashly,
Crazy indeed. The fight was a long one and we had to burn our bras :D But just imagine a CD trying to through her bra in the fire :eek: Do I imagine white knuckles klinging on to the strap at the edge of the fire? Unless of course she was purging but the white knuckles would still apply but add tears. Lots and lots of tears.

I wish that men expressing themselves through feminine clothing was a commonly accepted thing. My life would be easier, I could let go of all of thoes fears of anyone finding out. But it will be a long battle. One being fought little by little by brave people like Melanie and Peggy R. who are willing to risk exposure to educate the public that there are educated everyday people who are genetically male who dress and present as women and who are not just transexual. I think that has been my biggest enlightenment after meeting my hubby. That there are not just men and women but every color under that rainbow and every variation.

Take care :hugs: Kitty

[AmberTG]

Is there any such thing as a nice guy? A normal hetro, non CD/TG guy? I couldn't put more than a small handful of my male aquantences and friends into that catagory. Most of them are attracted to the hot, thin girls with cute hair styles, short or long. It's a sex attraction thing, they have to go home to their frumpy wives every day and deal with the lack of sex and attention. Very disfunctional. Of course, they have a lot to do with the problem, preferring their beer drinking buddys, their football games and their toys to spending quality time with their spouse and kids.
You could say that I don't really like "normal" men.

[keydup2]

Mandy,beautiful Mandy,I agree let us be.

[~Kitty GG~]

this should ruffle some feathers with the gg s when my gf s friends and my sister complain to me
they cant meet a nice guy , I say loose weight grow your hair and dress like
a women . they dont like the answer but like it or not its true


How does that help you meet a "nice guy"?

I agree that it would attract more attention.. mostly from those that you won't want to share your life with.. but being a barbie doll .. does not mean you will meet your ken.

I think a girl should meet her nice guy in a friend atmostphere not a meat market. And that they should enjoy eachother's company not just want some sort of trophy. And I think this works both ways. A guy who wants to meet a nice girl shouldn't put on a superficial facade to attract the attention of some airhead shallow woman. He should be comfortable with himself and present who he honestly is to attract a woman who's gonna love the real him. Not the pretend him.

Given your idea.. why not add "get breast implants" & "win the lottery"?

I'm not ruffled tho. Just think that your advice to the g/f's friends is not extremely helpful.

Love & Hugs
~:star:Kitty:star:~

[ColleenCD]

I want to to thank you all for your insight. The hardest part of being a CD has been not having people who understand what you're going through to talk with and gain perspective. Your posts are great, especially those from the GG's with first hand knowledge.

My wife told me she wants me to be comfortable with who I am and dress as I need to. She wants me to be happy first and foremost. I love her so much..and told her so...and apologized for being distant and explained to her why. She confirmed again, but gently, that my dressing does influence her style choices. I told her she can dress anyway she would like.

By the way, She has received rave reviews from her co-workers about her new outfits and it gave her a tremendous confidence boost. She didn't wear the new skirt this week because the new matching shoes were causing a blister. BUT,she wants to wear it at other events (her decision, no pressure).

Thank you all,

Colleen

[eleyna]

Dear, just be sure and re-assert to her your attraction to *her* and not just her wardrobe. I think that will mend a lot of bridges for you :) *hugs*

[Veronica GG]

I want to to thank you all for your insight. The hardest part of being a CD has been not having people who understand what you're going through to talk with and gain perspective. Your posts are great, especially those from the GG's with first hand knowledge.

Colleen

Coleen:
It is hard for us GGs to understand and accept our husband's crossdressing. We (or at least I) feel confused and uncertain about our future and I mean "our" in terms of the couple.
But it is great we can discuss it and know others points of view from both sides.

[claireswife-gg]

Okay, I have to chime in on this one. First, I think a lot of my extreme comfort level with CD and any other form of non-traditional sexual or gender orientation is that I myself am a bit androgynous. I have days where all I want to wear are my BDUs and tactical boots, and some days I like to dress like Stevie Nicks. I don't do stockings or colored nail polish, and only wear makeup to hide icky spots :heehee: Claire on the other hand, lives for her stockings! I do like my hair kinda long, but probably only because it's really curly and when it's short I look like a french poodle.

So, I gladly accept Claire as part of my life, love her to death actually, but I would never tell my spouse what mode to be in at any given time. I get the same in return. If I dress like a boy and go outside to play and get dirty, I get no grief at all. If I dress like a girl, I might get a wink and a "Oh you're a girl!" joke (lovingly of course) but my spouse accepts me as I am.

I understand your desire to share your thrill at wearing skirts. You love her and you want to share something you think is really cool. But I have to say, just let her be her, and she'll be more likely to let you be you. :)

Namasté!

[julie w]

Or would you be happy with them telling you to get buffed out at the gym, get a high-paying job, and dress like a man?
__________________
thats me except I dress like a man some of the time , lol ,lets not take things to seriously we are sopposed to be having fun , I get teased enough
by my gf ,and I only say it in fun

[debitv]

Colleen, some women don't want to wear a particular item because THEY feel they don't look good in it, that it doesn't flatter them. I had a similar situation with a girlfriend who would wear what I wanted in the bedroom and even try different things on her own, but let me suggest how I wanted her to dress outside of the bedroom and...wow...MT. Vesuvius. She was really comfortable with her body when it was only me looking, but VERY uncomfortable when everybody else was looking. I should have picked up on it before and, because she had been tentative in bed and we had made love the first time in the dark, but I overlooked those clues.

Another thing to consider is that if the guy looks better in the outfit than she does, if she doesn't feel good about herself and how she looks, she is now not as good-looking as a GUY in women's clothing. If she has low self-esteem to begin with, how do you think that little fact is going to make her feel? I had an acquauntance who dressed and came out to his wife, and she was upset at first but got over it, and they were happy for about 2 years. But he wan't satisfied with that and pushed for her to be with him while he went out en femme. He was much prettier than she was, and attracted a lot more attention, and he revelled in it. But he forgot about her and her feelings. The marriage dissolved within eight months.

THink about her and her feelings.

Debitv

[renee99]

I don't see the contradiction.

Men ask their wives to dress in a more feminine manner because that is what men are predominantly attracted to.

Women ask their husbands to respect their feelings and not engage in a level of CDing that is threatening to them, because understanding and caring about their feelings is what women are predominantly attracted to.

One that does not respect the other's wishes enough to at least attempt to carry them out, or simply resents the other's wishes, is not contributing towards the two way street that is necessary for a healthy relationship.

[Snookums]

My wife and I never discuss how either of us dress,she never compliments me,and she dresses like a slob,no I never tell her that.

[Billijo49504]

Kittypw, I hate to tell you this, but women got the right to wear pants before we were born. Or at least me. During WWII women were replacing men in the faxctories. There it was Rosey the Riviter taking up the war effort. That's when women got to start to wear pants. My first wife had jeans and shorts with a side zipper, now womens jeans have a front zipper.She also had a pair of jeans with a back zipper.About 1972 or 73, there was a movement to get girls in guys jeans. They had conversion charts on every rack of mens jeans, to convert to womens sizes. And the Calvan Klien jeans came out about them....BJ

[Yes I am]

A lot of the girls I've known to complain about not being able to meet a nice guy were just too busy sleeping around with all of the jerks and sleezebags to really find time and look for one. I'm still searching for a polite way to inform them of this.

[Snookums]

society sees absolutely nothing wrong with women wearing mens clothes,but when a man wears womens clothes,he is a sick pervert who needs serious psychiatric help.I was told that by a Mormon bishop.

[AmberTG]

Well Snookums, most fundamental religous people believe that because some idiot told them that the bible says that, which, by the way, it does not. Jesus's favorite deciple was an effeminite young man, that is how he is described in the gospels and depicted in the famous medieval paintings.

[Jackie-Ann]

Well Snookums, most fundamental religous people believe that because some idiot told them that the bible says that, which, by the way, it does not. Jesus's favorite deciple was an effeminite young man, that is how he is described in the gospels and depicted in the famous medieval paintings.

Amber,there is another answer for that statement, Jesus's wife could have been Mary Magdalene or some other GG. Where in the Gospels I can find such an indication ? Please, state,thanks Jackie Ann

[Julie York]

And MY posts get deleted.

Sheesh!



Anyway...as many annoying teachers used to scrawl on my work...RTQ.......Read the question! Or rather....find the salient points.


"She reminded me that all day I kept asking her why she didn't like to wear skirts. She told me it was because of the fem clothes I wear."

[Jasmine Ellis]

My wife likes wearing jean's I do not. Let her wear what she likes to wear and take one day as it comes.

[Di]

[QUOTE=ColleenCD;549859

My wife told me she wants me to be comfortable with who I am and dress as I need to. She wants me to be happy first and foremost. I love her so much..and told her so...and apologized for being distant and explained to her why. She confirmed again, but gently, that my dressing does influence her style choices. I told her she can dress anyway she would like.



I am so glad to see the above......and glad you said she can dress any way she wants........tell her back you want her to be comfortable with who she is as well.Let her be...how ever she wants to be.

[Cassy11]

Let me see if I have this right. You want her to dress (more feminine)which is the way you want , but she is supposed to accept your CDing and not comment.
How many women got married and tried to change their man and the marrage failed. Your wife has made her personal preferences known, you should respect them.

Cassy