Coming out to his mother

[stephanie B]

Hi all,

Like so many others, my SO has lately been agonising over if and when to “come out” to his mother. Flushed with the success of telling me and getting no flack in fact, positive encouragement, he has been longing to tell his mum about his cross dressing in order to “Set the records straight”.

After a couple of very emotionally charged evenings and many, many tears, he decided now was the time to do it and promptly invited her round for tea.

After a couple of false-starts, the last of which, I thought he had decided to keep his secret again, he just said it… “Mum, I think I am different to most other men”
“Of course you are” she said
“No, you don’t understand.. I like to wear women’s clothes – and I often do”

A minute’s silence which seemed like an hour followed.

“And what does Stephanie think about all this”
“She doesn’t mind he said, a little shakily.
“In fact she took me out last weekend and bought me a couple of lovely skirts and a new top”
I then got one of her “fifty pence” looks and decided to leave them to it – he was doing as well as we expected and besides, I was only in the next room.


I brought coffee in to them about 15 minutes later and they were looking a bit more comfortable. I asked her if she was feeling OK about his dressing. Then she said it…..
“Of course, I blame you Stephanie. He had no idea what cross dressing was about before he met you and I would be extremely grateful if you would stop trying to corrupt my son.”.

My SO then shocked us both, He softly but firmly asked his mum to go and not come back until she could be more civil to us both. She then left rather abruptly. My SO then went upstairs and got changed into a lovely pencil skirt and top and came downstairs looking devastated, and the fact that he was still crying didn’t help.

Then, it suddenly occurred to me, He had demonstrated his ability to be a wonderful but firm man and also a sensitive and sweet woman all in the same evening - How lucky is that?


Love Stephanie (and a very shy but wonderful SO)

[Sarah Bayen]

Lovely story Stephanie and very uplifting. I never 'came out' to my Mum - bless her - she died 5 years back, and often wonder if I should have.

[stephanie B]

Hi Sarah, sorry to hear about your mum - Who knows what is for the best with these things? I think we just have to go with what we have and it does no good thinking "what iffs"

Take care,

Love, Stephanie

[Sandra]

Good for your SO, I can imagine Nigella's mum saying the same to me if she had known before she died, we didn't get on but thats another story. I do hope her mum comes round and doesn't let this come between you all.

[Sarah Bayen]

Thanks Stephanie. It must have been awful for you with Mum trying to blame you. Mums can be a bit blind sometimes I suppose and assume their children are more vulnerable to other people's influence than they really are. Maybe just an extension of caring and all that.

And your SO was spot on with the reaction!!! Good for both of you.

Just hope you can all be friends when you've had time to mull it over.


Love from Sarah

[suzy]

Very interesting and touching story.... It could have be a lot worse and I think that in time I sense it will all work out in the end. It is a difficult situation to be in for everyone and sometimes it just takes some more time than others.

You guys are a lot bravier than I....I have no plans on coming out to anyone, excepting my wife of course who already knows and is also supportive.:love:

[stephanie B]

Thanks for kind wishes Suzy and Sandra. I hope you are right on this one.. I'm not so sure but stranger things have happened!

Love,

Stephanie

[tekla west]

Well my mom caught me a pile of times when I was at home. But I feel no need to share everything with her, Crossdrssing or DeadTour. Somethings mom's don't need to know.

[DAVIDA]

I told my mom about 14 years ago. I needed a skirt hemed and asked her to do it right after I told her. She is the type that if you don't talk about it , then she doesn't have to deal with it.

[Barbarb Nicole Kays]

I came home from work about 6 years ago to find my mother cleaning my house. And she had found all my lady things. At that time I could not say a thing to her, but a day or two later I went to her house and had a talk with her about it. I told that yea it was all mind and I loved to dress and get all made up to look as much like a lady as I could. I folllowed this with a few pitcures and a whole lot of QandA. In the end she told me it was all right and she loved me no less.

[Bonnie D]

Hi Stephanie,

My first thought when you say that his mother said, “Of course, I blame you Stephanie. He had no idea what cross dressing was about before he met you and I would be extremely grateful if you would stop trying to corrupt my son.” was that your SO would have said to his mother, "It's not Stephanie's fault I've been crossdressing for a long time, way before I even met Stephanie" or something to that effect. How long has been he been crossdressing? His mother was indeed wrong in blaming you but then most mothers would want to find an outside influence to blame for any undesired characteristics a son or daughter might have. I think tossing her out was a bit harsh. More discussion with her is definitely needed to help understand that there is no blame to be placed on anyone it's just something that has to be dealt with.

I do think it is great that he came out to his mother though and I do know how difficult it must have been. So an overreation is also understandable.

Bonnie

[Lindsay Marie]

I give your SO a major thumbs up! Coming out to a parent is incredibly hard, I should know I came out to my mother about a month back. If you have parents that love you for who you are and want you to be happy then it's not that big of a deal. I thought it was going to be when I did but it was ok, and my mom still has a lot of questions about it but she's very accepting of it. Just yesterday she asked my opinion on a dress she is thinking of getting for a wedding in a couple weeks. I think that if you can't tell your own parents then you obivously don't have a very good relationship with them or you don't know them very well. Most parents will love their children no matter what they do, it might take a little time for them to come around but they will. Just don't press the issue that's the big thing. I told my mother we talked about it for a little bit and then we didn't mention it for about two weeks, that gave her time to read up and learn and explore resources such as this site. She then approached me about it a little more educated and even bonded by helping me with measurements and trying on a few of her bras to help me understand how they are supposed to fit and to get an idea of size. If his mother doesn't accept it sorry about her ignorance, but in the same sense he has you and I am sure he is grateful for that, as you are for him. She seems like an ignorant woman in my opinion, but then again we all know what opinions are like so I'll leave it at that. Sorry about the rant session good luck with the situation I wish you both the best of luck.

[SherriePall]

Stephanie -- Sorry to hear that your mother-in-law came down on you. Have you and she gotten along well in the past or is this just another thing she has thrown at you? Either way, I wish you and your SO well in dealing with this.

[stephanie B]

Hi All,

Well, Activity over the weekend has helped, we went round to see my mother - in - law to be yesterday.. she has calmed down quite a lot and has accepted that her son is a cd. (and has been for years) Although not actually apologising to us, she was qute subdued compared top last week.

We left her feeling a lot happier I think and, although she couldn't quite bring herself to give me a hug as we left she did give my So a peck on the cheek as we left her.

(Things are looking up)!

Love,

Stephanie and once again, a smiling SO

[Shelly Preston]

Nice to hear things are getting back to somewher near the relationship you should have with your mother

As for not apologising I would guess she is still having trouble with the crossdressing

Hopefully with time you will wonder what the argument was for in the begining.

[Sarah Bayen]

Excellent news Stephanie!! Your SO is lucky having someone level headed like you.



Sarah

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

In retrospect I think my mom wanted to me a girl and would have enjoyed meeting Sasha Anne. Unfortunately, she died many years before Sasha Anne finally emerged. I do regret this.

[Holly]

Stephanie, congratulations to you and your SO for standing your ground. And it's great to hear that mum is coming around. Give her a little time. I'm sure she is quite embarrassed about how she handled the situation.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I still live at home with my parents (though hopefully not for too much longer.) so I often struggle with the mental debate of how much they should know about my crossdressing.

About a year and a half ago I came out to my father about it, we were sitting out in the garage, which is where he smokes because he isn't allowed to in the house, and it just came out, "Dad, I'm a crossdresser." I'd been thinking about telling him for a while and that was when it happened. He was very cool about it, he didn't say anything nasty or anything to make me feel ashamed, he said that everyone has their thing and that it didn't make me less of a man. It made me really happy we had the talk. However, I still have not been able to bring myself to let him see me dressed and we haven't mentioned it since then.

My mother knows I wear panties, because she does the laundry (not out of my laziness to do my own loads, but because she told me it was easier if she did all the laundry than to try to do hers and dads around me doing mine.) and so when I made the decision to start wearing panties at 18, I knew I had to tell her so she wouldn't be shocked. She's not a fan of it and she often buys me designer men's underwear as gifts at christmas time thinking it'll curb me of my panty wearing. On occasion I have made a somewhat incriminating comment that seems to make her uncomfortable, and so I have come to the point where I think she knows enough to know that doesn't want to know any more.

I figure until I decide that I want to come out publically, then I do not need to tell her, but if I do I'll have to let her know first.

[Bridget]

My parents (aside from coworkers) are the only people I haven't come out to. My parents had a disturbed enough reaction when I told them I was agnostic. And the reaction when my sister was dating a motorcycle-riding-homeless-munchausen bum (from intarweb dating)was catastrophic. I have a feeling that the reaction will be somewhere between the two. Or worse. But it really sucks that San Francisco has great shopping, and I have to sneak out of the house to do it. And I really don't like hiding things.

[angelfire]

Well stephanie, I think your SO handled the situation well by asking her to leave. He came out hoping for acceptance, and I don't know any man who would want anyone to disrespect their SO like that. I think he handled it well.

And I am glad to hear things are getting better between you and your mother in law are getting better. I am sure she will come to terms with it as time goes on, and things will likely get better sson, she just needs some time to wrap her head around it.

Jessica

[Blonde]

Stephanie, I wouldn't worry too much about your SO's mom. Of course she is going to blame you.
I have found, in my observations, that Mother-son and Father-daughter relationships are very simular.
Mothers hate thier son's SO, just as fathers hate thier daughter's SO.
Hate might be too strong a word in several cases, dislike, disaprove, might be more appropriate in those cases, but there is always a little bit of hate/diskile there.
The main reason for this is you are "stealing" thier "baby" (no matter how old thier "baby" is) and being the oppostie sex from that child they remember what was on thier mind when they were "courting" thier SO

[sandra-leigh]

I think tossing her out was a bit harsh.

My family has a history of holding grudges, not in the "I hate you sense", but in the "They done me wrong and I'm not going to be the one to initiate a reconciliation" sense. My mother in particular, so that approach could have led to long term grief in my situation. (Fortunately, I know how to talk to her if she were ever to make a remark such as that.)

[Sophia Rearen]

Chances are it was mum who first introduced him to crossdressing not you. Talk about your mother/daughter-in-law bonding experiences!