Looking for Advice

[Skyie]

Hi,

I have now got an opportune moment to finally sit down and type this out.

As I mentioned in an Introduction thread, this for me feels extremely bizarre and also very embarrassing. I have never spoken to anyone before about the little habit I have, but in the knowledge of being completely anonymous and no traces to this site left on my PC I'd like to finally ask for some advice. I have scanned over some of this forum and users do seem very friendly to each other and enjoy sharing their experiences, because of this I am sorry if I may offend you with any language or terminology that I may happen to use.

I guess the best place to start is with some background information. When I was around 7-9 years of age, for some reason I decided to try on some of my mothers clothing. I have no idea what possessed me to do such a thing, seeming as I hated messing around with clothes or performing any type of fancy dress. I frequently started trying on her clothes until one day my father caught me. I received the biggest pasting I have ever received and the shock of my life. I literally couldn't sit down for weeks. I felt awful inside, and from that day I completely stopped, and never though about ladies clothes items until my late teens.

Something was quite compelling and made me start again. Whenever I was alone I would start wearing the clothes again. I have absolutely no idea what sparked it off, but I am still doing it to this day.

Now what I'm looking for is any advice on how to stop, how to prevent one self from thinking about it. At times it really plagues my mind and torments me and I don't want it at all. Sometimes I am split between two thoughts, there’s like my unconscious thoughts and actions that make me do it, but then my rational thinking which kicks in and stops me, making me feel guilty for what I have done.

I've checked articles and journals on the topic searching for an answer to the cause of my problem hoping that once I knew that, I could rid myself of it once and for all. From what I have read though there are some theories but no solid proof of why we do what we do. I would only class myself as a mild cross dresser to which I only put on a skirt, tights and a top. This though further confuses me because I have no desire to wear makeup, lingerie, perfume etc... Plus I'd say I don't think/act like a lady would, so I really don't know why I do what I do but I want to be free of the torment. It does me no good and stops me pondering of things I should be thinking of. While at work I can find my mind just wanders thinking about cross dressing instead of C# code behind my software.

I’m going to stop because it’s getting late but I’m sure you get the drift. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated or any insight in to why I cross dress. Thanks in advance time spent reading my post.

Cheers,
Skyie

[Marla S]

Welcome


Now what I'm looking for is any advice on how to stop, how to prevent one self from thinking about it. At times it really plagues my mind and torments me and I don't want it at all. Sometimes I am split between two thoughts, there’s like my unconscious thoughts and actions that make me do it, but then my rational thinking which kicks in and stops me, making me feel guilty for what I have done.

Sorry to say, but I think, and most other will agree: There is no way to stop it (at least not in the usual manner).
What helped me a lot is the good old tradition in constitutional states: Innocent until proven guilty.
(i.e. what's wrong with men wearing pentyhose. Try to find an answer yourself that is really founded. I bet you won't find one)

Right now the situation for us is the other way round: Guilty until proven innocent (Tree, thanks for that).

You need to change your perspective on your CDing.

This way you are able to get rid of the guilt and shame feelings, you get a more relaxed view on it and don't have to wait until the urge to dress is so high that you might do really silly things in the closet, which then cause guilt and shame feelings again ... purging ... pressure ... silly things ... guilt, shame ... etc.

The more you are able to free yourself from the societies prejudices, that are a part of yourself too, the more you will be able to integrate it into your life (depending on your social situation: ranging from living open as a CD to a happy life in your closet.)
The problems are not caused by you, but by the society's strict gender separation.

[Jennaie]

First of all, I realize that you want to stop and there is nothing wrong with that, it's just a matter of choice. If you have a GF, I would suggest that every time you get the urge to dress, go to the store and buy the clothing for her, perhaps this may help alieve the stress a bit.

If you do not have a GF, I don't know what to tell other than this, your urges to dress will be with you for the rest of your life and the only way to control them is through will power, much the same way an alcoholic stays away from alcohol.

I gave up on trying to stop. If I feel the urge to dress, I dress, and when I don't have the urge, I don't dress. I am not going to beat myself up with guilt over something I don't seem to have much control over. If anyone but myself, who am I hurting by dressing?

It's a little like when I hear someone make the statement, (I think that being straight or homosexual is a choice), this type of statement usually comes from a person who is has strong religious beliefs. I always want to respond to this with, (So what your saying is that at some point, perhaps when you were 11 or 12, you sat down and thought to yourself, hmmm...what sex do I want to be attracted to?).

When they laugh and say, well no, I come back with, (oh, so what your saying is that it was not a choice for you but it is a choice for those who don't (fit in) to what your view of normal sexual attraction is?

Are gays hurting anyone just by being gay? no. Are people who wear the clothing of the other sex hurting anyone? no. Are people who bash and condemn those who are different from them hurting anyone? YES

[jennig]

HI and welcome to this site. As far as stoping I thing deep down all of us at one time has tried to stop or at least thought about it. all I can say I have tried but I found that I love my fem side to much it would be like cuting away at my being. We all know its not easy this hoppie of ours has its ups and downs but so dose everthing eles . all I know if I new I could not be jenni anymore that would about kill me. the thought of seeing a woman and not looking at her for ideas would freek me out. I hope you are not being pushed to stop if you are who,s life is yours anyway. I for one refuse to stop being me!


hugs jennig
proud to be fem!!~

[Rachel Morley]

Now what I'm looking for is any advice on how to stop, how to prevent one self from thinking about it.
Oh dear :nailbiting: I sorry to have to tell you that I have never yet met a person who was able to stop....well not completely anyway. They might be able to stop actually dressing but to stop thinking about it...never.

Unless you want a life of turmoil and deceit I recommend that you accept that this is something that you need in your life and do you best to come to terms with it. You don't have to embrace it like others do but you do need for it not to ruin your life through guilt.

[eleyna]

I started about age 8, too, Skyie. I was raised in a Christian family, and I think part of what triggered my curiosity was my parents including cross-dressing in the list of things that boy's shouldn't do, and made sure I saw verses that said "No, no".

If you are averse to this curiosity of yours because of religion, I would advise you to seek guidance from within your faith. Pastors, Rabbi, etc, get asked about this kind of thing all the time. They will explain to you how it is quite natural, that we see these things glorified on sensual bodies on posters, tv, in books and films, and having the clothes is a way to satisfy the lust that gives you - perhaps because your gf doesn't like to dress that way or because you are the "nice" type who doesn't like to letch at women the way you can letch at a pair of stockings.

If your faith is the true faith, they may be right.

But personally I find it is something else within me, something that celebrates the good things about femininity. And I think you will do yourself much harm by allowing yourself to believe it is bad or evil and must be stopped. It doesn't make you a pervert, infact, from your post and your language, I think it probably indicates there may be a part of you that seems less butch than you think you should be, less assertive or aggressive than you believe a man is supposed to be, and your interest in dressing is a way for your mind to shift out of gear and be at rest with that side. The business you and I are in can be cut-throat, and we can't be weak in our jobs, but don't let that eat up the whole of your life; I can fire a guy if I have to, but I can also sit in the park and enjoy the sunshine.

It took me a while to be comfortable with that duality, but these days it keeps me sane and healthy. If I was the guy I am at work, I'd have had a coronary by now - or an aneurism. Doesn't mean you have to be a "woman" at home. But dressing doesn't make you a woman; or gay, or bi, or a pervert :)

Wearing skirts does not make you gay. It's not so long ago that you would largely have been considered a pervert for wearing trousers. They're just clothes.

But if what you are experiencing is an inner battle, a sort of mental wrestling match, between the enjoyment of dressing and your desire not to, I've been there, and I would give you this advice:

Find a way to express it that isn't intensely sexually charged. If you're like upto 25% of American males, chances are your shame involved comes from the fact that you are often sexually aroused when or while dressed. That's a connection you can loosen, and it will make you feel less guilty about dressing but also it will lessen certain associations that make you aspire to dress.

Buy yourself some ungirlie, girls things. Find the most boy-like, unfemme, pair of jeans. Go visit zappos.com and find a pair of womens shoes you would swear are *supposed* to be listed under mens (incredibly easy with sneakers), pick up a pair of "authentic boxers" from hanes.com - the only difference between those and mens ones are that the "authentic" ones have a decorative rather than actual fly.

Put on your new "outfit" and then go clean the oven or the toilet. Do something intensive and manual that will take up both sides of your brain.

Some of these items are just plain nicer to wear than the same version they make for us normally. I didn't intend to start wearing women's underwear by day, but I've *always* found jockeys, boxers and mens-briefs uncomfortable one way or the other.

Incidentally - I really hated my whole cross-dressing 'hobby' at first because it kept getting in the way of my programming projects and stuff, and yeah, distracting me. But it was actually thinking about the sexy stuff that was my problem. Now I have a drawer with a mix of boy/girl underwear that's not foo-foo, ruffly or "sexy", and when I get changed after work, I pick something for comfort, and whichever I wear I'm way more productive than I used to be because my brain isn't fighting with itself. I make a decision at the drawer and I'm done. If I didn't choose to wear "authentic" boxers, the little voice in my head no-longer nags me, because I know I would have worn them if I really wanted to.

Hope that helps, Skyie. Good luck.

[kathy gg]

I think repression is for the repressed...

but since you asked...well from what I have heard....*some* people who take anti-depressants feel numb and have no desire to do much of anything when slightly or highlymedicated....or you could go on a bender....or join a gym & begin steriod use so you look like a big Hulk and want to beat things up ....btw...I was using my sarcastic internet voice......

well you asked....did not say they had to be sane answers....because techinically although your quesiton is valid...what you are asking is to remove your soul and turn your heart and mind off so you don't feel....I hope maybe if you decide to stick around this forum, maybe even make some friends you will see that being a crossdresser is not the worst thing a person could be in this world. Also, if you have no intention of going out in public and prefer to keep this private...I am having a really hard time seeing the harm in some self fullfillment?

And my last suggestion is not sarcastic....maybe this is time to seek a professional opinion .... I hope this is not your first and last post.....

[debitv]

The only advice I can give you is in regard to fighting it. IT DOESN'T WORK! Fighting only makes the desire stronger.

It is also a complete waste of time. It takes more energy to fight it than it is worth.

Take the attention and focus and put it into a hobby or some other pursuit, if you must. Otherwise, just accept the fact that part of you enjoys doing it and do it every once in awhile.

Just do it! You aren't hurting anybody. And the problem was your father's, not yours.

Good luck,

Debitv

[Bernadina]

We are all part male and part female to varying degrees. And that cannot be changed. It can't be fixed, cured or beaten out of us. There is nothing wrong with expressing our female side if we desire. If that means we enjoy being dressed or acting female, then that is fine too.

Just because some members of society freak out, doesn't make it wrong.

And many churches and religions condem sexual alternatives as well. Not that alternative sexuality has anything to do with our relationship with God which is what religions and churches are supposed to be concerned with. Yet many of them seem to be obsessed with sex.

Why do you crossdress?

I don't know. I don't really know why I crossdress, but sure beats taking drugs, drinking myself into oblivion, cheating, commiting rape, beating my wife, etc.

If crossdressing works for you embrace it. If it creates havoc in your life then you need to figure out what is actually causing the havoc and fix it.

I can understand that thinking about crossdressing in more fun than thinking about C# code is more fun. C# code is kind of boring.

Why worry about stopping?

If its a part of you, accept it and fit crossdressing into your life balanced with what else you do. Give it a place in your life and enjoy it.

[Karren H]

I'd say also that you can't stop...I can't but look into hypnotism....my mother-in-law had it and it convinced her she was a non-smoker and she never smoked again!!! Never heard of any crossdressers trying it but hey....you could be the first!! hehehe

Love Karren

[Phoebe Reece]

Skyie,

No matter how long you search, you are not going to find a definative answer to the question of why it is that you crossdress. There are many theories, but you will not find consensus of the so-called experts. The most popular theory (at least among CD's) is that we are born with the need to crossdress. But, knowing that (or any other theory) is not really going to solve your problem.

You are looking in the wrong place to find stories of crossdressers successfully giving it up. It is sort of like walking in to a bar and asking everyone in there how they gave up drinking. The answer is rather easy to that one - they give it up every time the bar closes.

It is much more productive to ask how does one live with the need to crossdress and get rid of the guilt associated with it. There are good answers to those questions.

[Bernice]

Skyie, I'll be blunt.

Some M to F crossdressers successfully stop for some length of time. Some stop for years at a time, and a very small number never crossdress again. A similar percentage win the multi-state powerball lottery jackpot, and/or vacation on the International Space Station.

Most find that the only 100% effective way to stop is to die, and nobody recommends that approach.

Before you commit to doing whatever it takes to stop, I would encourage you to fully evaluate your reasons for wanting to stop. If the primary reasons revolve around meeting societal expectations, I'd suggest that the payoff isn't worth the pain.

If you want to quit to join the military - best of luck. Some can either hide it or suppress it for a few years. It's a huge personal sacrifice, and most people will never come to appreciate the level of your sacrifice. I could have been a military pilot - I did become a civilian pilot. I think I made a good choice not to try to fit in with the military lifestyle.

If you want to stop for some girl, I expect that girl is not worth it. A woman who gets involved with an "artificial" you will normally leave the moment her fantasy is revealed as such.

If you can't be yourself, who can you be? Crossdressing is not a mental disease. If you aren't being yourself, who are you fooling, and why?

[KarenSusan]

Sky,

I'm convinced that crossdressing is a part of the individual, like her arm or leg. Were you to try to cut this out you would become cripple. It is not shameful, it is just the way you are.

[Helen MC]

Skyie, take the song title I have quoted to heart. "You are what you are!"

You do not have any reason to be ashamed of what you are, take a leaf from the Gays and have PRIDE! The brutish behaviour of your father in your childhood cannot be erased from your mind but why let him still dominate you. I assume you are now an adult and no longer live in the family home.

Many have found to their cost that, as with Homosexuality, you cannot be "cured" it is not an "illness". Attempts to go against your inner self can result in mental breakdown or worse! DONT GO THERE! Ignore Religion and its prohibitions, it's all man made anyway and more about control than any means to gain access to a happy afterlife, if such a thing even exists.

The first step to acceptance is to accept yourself. Being a CD is of no harm to anyone else and need no even involve any other person. I dress "en femme" only at home but wear panties under my male trousers (pants in the US) 24/7 as I have done since my teens. However, I feel that I am Helen as well as my male and visible persona, but she really comes to the surface when I am in a skirt, bra, (suitably padded) , blouse etc.

I was fortunate as a kid when I started to CD at the age of 12, no brothers (thank heavens!) a sister Anne, who was 2 years older than me so a ready supply of panties and when alone other girls' clothes whch fiitted me and later as I filled out a bit my mother's panties and clothes fitted me too. My father was of the old school, typical of a macho middle class English man of the 1950-60s, I was born in 1953. He and I never really got on. He liked sports etc, I hated them and prefered to make model kits or read a book , go out for a run on my bicycle etc. Luckily after a few futile attempts of taking me to the Football (Soccer) or Cricket he gave up on that. He never found out about my wearing my sister's and mother's knickers (panties) and I know that I would have suffered the same fate as you Skyie if that had happened but I soon realised that I would have to be very careful to avoid discovery, only dressing in skirts etc when everyone was not only out of the house but likely to be away for a decent length of time and I am glad to say I never was caught out in the 6 years from first wearing Anne's panties till I left home to go to University, deliberately chosing one about 200 miles away from the family home. My sister may have guessed but said nothing, one day I may ask her. My mum is no longer with us so I will never know and my father is very old and going a bit senile these days so poses no threat as he hasn't done since I left home at 18, but I would not tell him as it would upset him to no purpose.

Skyie, be yourself, can the guilt trips and ENJOY being a CD!

[Skyie]

Evening all,

Thanks all for your comments I've read through what you had to say and it has got me thinking. There’s is a few points I'd like to comment on.

Marla S

The more you are able to free yourself from the societies prejudices, that are a part of yourself too

I think I am my own worst enemy in this predicament. It is part of me that is saying this is wrong and I shouldn't me doing it. It's what sometimes halts a sudden urge I may get. It is true what debitv said about stopping myself from doing results in a stronger desire. I then give in, cross dress and feel awful for doing it,

eleyna

assertive or aggressive than you believe a man is supposed to be, and your interest in dressing is a way for your mind to shift out of gear and be at rest with that side. The business you and I are in can be cut-throat, and we can't be weak in our jobs, but don't let that eat up the whole of your life; I can fire a guy if I have to, but I can also sit in the park and enjoy the sunshine.

I did stop and have a good think on this. I decided I don't really have a concept how assertive/aggressive one should be. I did think about how many people mention that cross dressing relieves stress and be at peace. This actually made me think of a great idea I think to help me try and stop. One thing I tried for the first time on holiday and have done once since coming back is having a full body massage followed by a face mask and some time relaxing in herbal steam rooms. The place I visited had an amazing calming atmosphere and I found it so relaxing. I might try and substitute this for cross dressing say on a Friday evening after a weeks worth of work.

kathy gg

And my last suggestion is not sarcastic....maybe this is time to seek a professional opinion .... I hope this is not your first and last post.....
This would be an absolute last of last resorts for me. I not sure if I could even sit in front of someone and tell them what I'm writing here.

debitv

Take the attention and focus and put it into a hobby or some other pursuit, if you must. Otherwise, just accept the fact that part of you enjoys doing it and do it every once in awhile.
This is good advice, I have actually started playing football again. I used to be very athletic, there was a time I could have pushed to make the British running squad. I was also playing football for a very good team. I did get lazy though and stopped it all. I completely regret now doing this which is why now I am back in to my football and I am really enjoying it. This actually has help to take my mind of cross dressing as Sunday morning I have a good match and then I am too shattered to do anything else after that :)

Phoebe Reece, your comment on I'm looking in the wrong place would be completely correct. I knew before posting the sort of response I may get. But there is no harm in asking and searching for answers in as many places I can find. Reading through this post as really help me sit down and think about cross dressing.

Helen MC, I am sorry that your father tried to get you to do what I guy would typically be perceived to do. As for my parents they are nothing but supportive for what I have done, and they are very proud of me. I don't blame them at all for reacting the way they did. I was their first child, and being brought up in almost and black and white world they did what they though was right. Now people are getting better than more aware on such subjects.

Well It’s another late one for me again. One thing that I really want to try is going for regular massages maybe even with my girlfriend too. I think that is going to be very relaxing for us both and give us time away from the modern day rush to talk over the past week.

I'm going to try and keep up my football. It feels strange not knowing anyone but as soon as they see the stamina, speed and ball skill I have they'll be routing for me.

I am going to stick over on the forum because I do find it quite interesting. Thanks for you time,
and sorry if any of my replies don’t read too well, it’s getting late and some how I've manage to delete half of what I wrote., hehe doh :O. But seriously thanks a lot for your replies one or two have given me some nice ideas.

Cheers,
Skyie

[DAVIDA]

I don't know about the others here, but to me,Massages and facials are a very nice way for me to feel more fem

[eleyna]

I did stop and have a good think on this. I decided I don't really have a concept how assertive/aggressive one should be. I did think about how many people mention that cross dressing relieves stress and be at peace. This actually made me think of a great idea I think to help me try and stop. One thing I tried for the first time on holiday and have done once since coming back is having a full body massage followed by a face mask and some time relaxing in herbal steam rooms. The place I visited had an amazing calming atmosphere and I found it so relaxing. I might try and substitute this for cross dressing say on a Friday evening after a weeks worth of work.

Skyie, I suspect you have an alterior motive for wanting to stop your CD that you haven't stated - a significant other who isn't coping with it, or a girl you are making progress with that you think or know will blow you away the instant she finds out.

If that isn't the case, if you just dislike your CD impulses because it interferes with getting on with your life; please, please, please believe me. The best you can hope to do is compartmentalize it and turn off that part of your brain. Alternatively, you can accept it and integrate it, and that part of your brain is amazingly useful in software development. Don't ask me why.

When I was 14 I spent 6 months on a programming project, I was lucky to get an hour infront of the computer before I was, uhm, thinking about how panties would feel. I woke up one morning, having bought a pair of panties "for my gf", and instead of "entertaining" myself, I put them on, and went to the computer.

Two hours later I was well into the problem I'd been working on, and by the end of the day I'd written a quite impressive backpropogating natural language parser. (Did I mention, age 14?) As I was getting into bed I realized with horror that I'd totally forgotten about the panties, I ripped them (lit) off and flushed them down the loo.

Didn't have the guts to buy another pair, and I never got into the zone again to that degree with that programming project or any other for years after. Usually my spurts of extreme inspiration were after, say, nights where I had bought panties online and - obviously - not then exited that accepting frame of mind. Once the panties arrived and I changed back to rejecting and purged them, my inspiration reverted back to neutral.

I've had whole years where I've managed to bury my CD thoughts, but in the end it all came back to burn me, badly.

This last year where I've started accepting it at last, and finding a happy medium for myself between the outrageously femme and sissy thoughts my repressed self was having and my ease at being a guy, my productivity is up, I'm writing code of a quality I had only aspired to - in the weeks where I don't shove part of myself into the back closet of my mind.

If you're doing this for someone else, see a therapist. If you're doing this for yourself, mark my words, the massage will backfire on you - you'll wind up with more than just cross dressing bidding for your attention.

[Marla S]

Marla S


I think I am my own worst enemy in this predicament. It is part of me that is saying this is wrong and I shouldn't me doing it. It's what sometimes halts a sudden urge I may get. It is true what debitv said about stopping myself from doing results in a stronger desire. I then give in, cross dress and feel awful for doing it,
Well of course you are your worst enemy. It would need a considerable amout of time until you get the same "bashing-level" by other people.
But why is that ? IMHO, it's because you got brainwashed (gender wise) from the very moment you were born. (At the time one usually gets the first real problems with CDing, the puberty, you went through 10-12 years of brainwash already; that has an impact !) These prejudices are made an integral part of yourself, like your mother tongue. You are a typical representative of the society. Therefore it might look like you would fight yourself, but your are actually fighting the respective view of the society, being thier representative.

That part of you that represents the trained society's view says: NO !
That part of you that represents your inborn personality says: YES !
Sums up to ---------------------------------------------> PROBLEM (inner fight).

Only if you can get rid of one of these positions your problem can be solved. To deny your inborn personality is the usual way of acting, but it is the one with the minor chances of success; it's a losing game, indeed.

To check this, try answering the question why CDing is wrong. Only if you find a reason that is not based on the society's (mostly artificial) gender separation, you might be right.

[Becky Blue]

We have all been in your situation and its just a case of accpetaing what we are and then getting on with your life and enjoying the gift you have been given. For many years i was satified just wearing some items of female clothing, but inevitably your desires will increase and then the need to wear makeup, perfume etc. will mostly likely kick in.

best if luck and feel free to Im me if you want to talk further about it.
Bec
xx
..

[Ashley Helen]

Stop crossdressing! It's easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

Helen

[Skyie]

Stop crossdressing! It's easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

Helen

Aye chucked all clothes away.

For Frodo!

[Lee51964]

I totaly love to dress