student is tv

[chippertu]

i am a middle-aged college professor. i have just discovered that a 20-year old student of mine, who has been close to me virtually since the first day of classes and seems to have sort of sought me out, is a male-to-female cross dresser. a friend of mine who had met the student stumbled over pix of him in drag on the net yesterday and called me.

he had made some comments from time to time that i had thought odd, but didn't give a second thought to. there were also some other conversations we have had when he has seemed on the verge of saying something he felt important, and then backed away from the verge. the comments now make some sense to me. of course i have no way of knowing what the withheld comments might have been.

he knows that i am gay/bi and is explicitly not troubled by it; indeed he went out of his way to make that clear to me relatively early on. he knows that i am a tolerant man and not inclined to be critical of people who are essentially genuine or decent, irrespective of other variables, altho the subject of cross dressing has never directly come up that i can recall.

it has been clear to me from early on that mike has some demons he's wrestling with--parent issues are prime among the ones he discusses with me, particularly father. but now that i see that there is this additional layer of complexity, i just wonder if he was reaching out to me for support in a way i did not recognize. and i wonder what i should do the next time we come conversationally into the neighborhood of cross dressing. or should i just come out with it and tell him that i have discovered the photos and that i have no problem with it.

i would appreciate the insight and advice of anyone who might have experienced a similar situation in the past. i am feeling somewhat at a loss. :confused:

[CindyB]

Sounds like a confused young man looking for role-model/father figure. One that he can trust.

I say open up to him and see if you can assist him.

[Tristen Cox]

Hello and thank you for bringing this question here. In my honest opinion you should not bring the subject of the photos up, however make yourself available by letting him know the doors are open to conversation in the regards of CDing.


he knows that i am a tolerant man and not inclined to be critical of people who are essentially genuine or decent.
Thus let him speak to you on his own grounds when he's ready.

Love
Tristen

[Wendy me]

let her tell you her story .........mabey your reading her book all wrong .......wait the book will open......you will know

[Amelie]

I think you should help him, only if he asks you. You can try to bring him to asking you in some manner, but don't say you know about his dressing. You are gay, then you must know there are closeted gays who even thought they are having problems, would not want to be outed. If you know he is having other troubles in his life, then guide him to someone who can help him. Because if you are asking us for help, it means you can not handle what he needs. If he does come out to you, then find him some kind of help. I don't know where you are from, but here in Baltimore the gay organization has a branch for transgendered people. Being gay yourself you should know what is in your area. I am not saying he is gay, transgendered doesn't mean gay.
Or you should guide him to some kind of counciler, whether in the collage or privately. CDing is not a major life or death issue, but he might have other more serious problems in his life that needs to be helped.
Amelie

PS-Are you against using capital letters. I was wondering if this was some kind of college thing.

[Julie]

Chippertu, it's good that you have come here asking for some advice, I am sure some of our girl's here will be able to help in some way.

If 'Mike' does come out to you it is important you do not mention that you know about the photos, he is probably burning up inside trying to 'come out' to you. If and when he does impart any advice you have and let him know he has your support, if he mentions the photos all well and good but this must come from him.

JJ

[DonnaT]

It's simple really. He wants to talk to someone in real life, not on the net. A lot of us have struggled with that very same issue, and not too long ago at that.

Just steer the conversation towards your being gay and how you appreciate his acceptance, since he knows. Then simply state, "If you want to discuss anything such as being gay, bisexual, or being a crossdresser, or anything else you might have on your mind, I'm here for you."

Of course you don't want to get too involved, that student/teacher thing, you know. You can also tell him about this site if he wants to talk to other CDs.

Many colleges also have GLBT groups that hold meetings, and he could attend them.

[chippertu]

I think you should help him, only if he asks you. You can try to bring him to asking you in some manner, but don't say you know about his dressing. You are gay, then you must know there are closeted gays who even thought they are having problems, would not want to be outed. If you know he is having other troubles in his life, then guide him to someone who can help him. Because if you are asking us for help, it means you can not handle what he needs. If he does come out to you, then find him some kind of help. I don't know where you are from, but here in Baltimore the gay organization has a branch for transgendered people. Being gay yourself you should know what is in your area. I am not saying he is gay, transgendered doesn't mean gay.
Or you should guide him to some kind of counciler, whether in the collage or privately. CDing is not a major life or death issue, but he might have other more serious problems in his life that needs to be helped.
Amelie

PS-Are you against using capital letters. I was wondering if this was some kind of college thing.
what i was trying to say is, i have been helpful to some gay students in the past who were having orientation issues, and i think/hope i provide a pretty positive role model for them myself. at least i try. some years ago i founded the glbtvtg and friends group on campus, so i am quite publicly out, plus i am a performer in the music department and thus have a pretty high profile on campus. so, kinda been there, done that.

the difference here is this: to my knowledge i have never been in this situation w/ a cd-er before. on top of that, i THINK, only think, there might be an orientation issue, based on some other things he has said to me--one time, after a weekend, he thought something might be going to happen between him and a friend. i asked him about it a while later. nothing had. nothing more has been said.

what the problem for me here is that i do think he is searching for his identity. i am very open w/ him about the struggles i had in that regard, including a failed marriage, so he knows i won't flinch at whatever he might bring up. i don't know much about the intersection of cd + gay issues. i think he is an emotional volcano, and i don't want to touch anything off. he has stomach problems that i now begin to think may be stress-related, so i don't want to add to his stress by saying the wrong thing.

recently his mother, who is a more sympathetic figure in the family drama, started sending him to a shrink, which i think is helping. nevertheless, i remain a piece of his puzzle somehow.

i am hoping someone who went thru what appears to me to be possibly even a more intense identity search than i myself did, involving as it does both gender identity and sexual orientation, could share some personal insight.

when i was involved w/ the student glbtvtgfriends group, an older guy from town would come to an occasional meeting. i gave him rides to and from sometimes. his was not a happy story, w/ buldups of tension, buying scads of women's clothing, keeping and wearing it for a while, and feeling revulsions and self-loathing and burning it all. then he would go through the cycle again. john seemed to be a very unhappy man.

that is about my only close interaction w/ a tv, and it was disturbing to me, and so far it is the baseline against which i measure the phenomenon/condition/situation (forgive me. i don't mean to be insensitive in my choice of words, but this is all still very new to me. if you can help me with the vocabulary that would be appreciated too.)

this student is.... well, when you get a recommendation form to fill out these days for graduates seeking jobs, they ask a multiple choice question. "among the students you have worked with, you would place the candidate in the top 50%_____; top 25%______; top 10%______; top 5%______; top 5 or 10 students you have worked with_____.

so far in my career, going back to the late 70's, i have checked that last box fewer than 5 times. i think mike has enormous potential he can't even fathom. without hesitation i would check that box were he to ask me for a recommendation.

obviously, though, he is struggling with massive confusion that is getting in the way of, given the context of late adolescence, sailing as smoothly as he might. i remember still my loneliness in trying to find the way without a road map. i had no one i felt i could talk to, and i hope i can make the process easier for him. just not clear on how.

p.s. i have a very lovable, very nosey cat. i have to have one hand always available to keep him off the keyboard, so i don't have a free hand usually tro work the 'shift' key. thus all lower case. sorry if it makes it harder to read.

[Amelie]

I am a gay crossdresser, I have had these conflicting emotions when I was young. I knew that I was gay, this was a given. But there was something more in my life that was missing. I wasn't happy being a man, I wanted to be a woman. Some people tell me I'm not gay if I choose to be a woman and find men attractive. This still leads me to some confusion. For me,, I am a man who wants to be a woman, but is sexually attracted to men. I don't know how I am labeled, so for convienence, I say I'm gay. I am still a man, who likes men. This might be some of what your student is going through. He can be conflicting his sexuallity with his dressing. So many CDs go through life thinking they are gay, when they are not. The dressing in womens' clothes doesn't mean he is gay. This might be the cause of his stress.
This is where he might do good going to someone that he can relate to. A shrink should be of help, the shrink should know the problems of being gay or of being a CD. If he opens up to you, then you can guide him, but until he does, you have no way of helping him, because you don't know what's really wrong.
I don't know if I am of any help, but ask some more questions. I am not all that bright, it takes me a little while to understand things, so if I didn't hear everything correctly. Just ask again, and I'll try.
Amelie

[flicka]

Dear Chippertu


Amelie is modest, she has much greater insight and understanding than that which she credits herself. Her opinions are worthy of consideration.

My opinion is that you should let the student know you are aware of him appearing on the particular web site. The very fact of identifying himself for anyone to see, is evidence enough that he either doesn't care about being identified as a CD-er, or it is a cry for help. Then you can discuss/identify his problems and direct him to a councellor.

Has it occurred to you that he may be attracted to you, that he too is gay and simply wants you to know that he is also a crossdresser?

Many gay men are put off by crossdressing. I believe this is his basic problem.

[chippertu]

dear flicka --

thanks for the comments. yes, i guess it is kind of reckless to post pix of a certain kind of yourself on the internet.

and come to think of it, he has always been unusually vocal about his sense of tolerance and acceptance. for example, the whole massachusetts gay marriage thing. he was vocally in favor of the tolerant side of that matter, altho' i sometimes got the sense he might have been saying things because he wanted me to approve, or that he thought i wanted to hear.

he is seeing a shrink--a psychologist, i think, not psychiatrist. one would hope he could get professional help there, and i'm assuming that he is getting it.

as to his being gay: dunno. he has told me about some quasi-gay experiences he has had. again, he has been pretty ambivalent about it in what he says and how he says it. at the moment he seems to be head-over-heels with a new girlfriend. but i kind of did that too in late adolescence to fend off any possibility of ever being gay: if i didn't do it, therefore i could not be it. (found out the hard way how wrong that was, after about 10 years.)

as to his being attracted to me: i haven't sensed anything of that sort whatsoever, so i really doubt it is an element.

i just know he is very gender-confused, hates his home situation, has at best a difficult relationship w/ his father (who has from time to time called him "fag," btw), on top of braving all the other storms that these years bring anyone of that age group.

thanks again for your help,
chippertu

[flicka]

Well chipertu, the father is unsympathetic and abusive so the lad can get no help there. I'm sure he would like to talk with a surrogate father figure, and my instinct tells me he has chosen you. Maybe the psycho councellor can iron out his problems ... I dunno, never been to one - they are not so sought after in this part of the world as in yours. He is lacking in a father's love and affection, and father sounds unlikely to change his opinions. I fancy you are going to be drawn into this one, so may God grant you wisdom.

[chippertu]

amen.

[Wenda]

reading Amelie's last posting brought tears to my eyes. She has done this, and is wise. I think the reason this student has approached you is pretty straight-forward, he senses understanding. I am new to CDing, but, I feel quite comfortable in gay bars, etc. It may be only in my mind, but, that is where I live. I think you just need to be receptive, non-judgemental and understanding. from there, solutions should present themselves. Don't make it bigger than it is. Good luck. luv, wenda.

[CindyB]

i remember still my loneliness in trying to find the way without a road map. i had no one i felt i could talk to, and i hope i can make the process easier for him. just not clear on how.

There is no definitive roadmap. All you can do is the best you can. My suggestion is to rely on your instincts and what you would have wanted someone to do for you at that age. You've been there, rely on your experiences.

[JAYNETHOMPSON]

Hi Chippertu,
I'm essentially a very private TV but a few years ago in the search to find other like minded people I joined a local TV group many of which were very outward thinking; anyway some of the girls liked to take pictures of all and sundry at the get togethers, I avoided this action like the plague; anyway one one ocasion I was accientally pictured and found myself on the net soon after. Point being your friend may not have wanted the be as open as some might think. If he trusts you honour him by listening.

My grandmother used to say "Its easy to talk but harder to listen" She was almost deaf !!!!

Good luck

[Chrissycd]

I love that name!!!!! :)
I too am a teacher, albeit at the high school level. I plan to leave teaching after ten years because my fem side is beginning to bloom, and I know that, irrational as it is, the EDUCATIONAL field is not tolerant despite all of its protestations. But, I digress.
This isn't about me. It's about you and your student. I think I qualify professionally and personally to speak on this with some intelligence.
Firstly, I would NOT tell your student you know about her. It will likely make her paranoid, if not fearful of you, and it might scare her into denial and all of the pain that come with it. Also, as a professional, you know as well as I do that getting mixed up with student's personal lives can sometimes create monster problems with administrators and parents. Let her come out to you in her own good time. She needs to feel safe. If you out her, you take her safety away from her and make her feel vulnerable. That would be a mistake. I suggest that you just be yourself as you've always been, and if she flowers before you, you are blessed with something only parents and educators can appreciate, namely, the birth of a new life. That is what teaching and parenting is about, after all. Let her find herself, like anyone else, but be there for her as she struggles to be born. As long as she knows you are there, and you make her feel safe, she will find her way.
Chrissy

[Merinda]

My advise is simple ,

Introduce this young man to the forum , there are so many of us girls in so many different situations that can help.
Remember its not much fun thinking that your the only person on earth that crossdresses , I think your student needs love and support and understanding friends then he can find his true self.

[chippertu]

hello, chrissy--

i think the name came from one of my college roommates. just kinda forget how i came by it. but i find that it usually isn't being used by anyone on such forums as these and even for email. so it's convenient that way and i don't have to destroy any of my dwindling supply of brain cells trying to think up new screen names all the time.

yes, i have had some probs w/ admins about the whole gay thing and discrimination against me. been there....

i'm really writing to thank you for the anais nin quote. i'm going to dress it up with a nice font and a pretty border and put it up on my bulletin board outside my office. it is so...... hard to find the right word. beautiful. shocking. intense. true. fascinating. what an insight, not only to have, but also to put down in such strong, beautiful prose.

i just wonder if it can speak to someone who hasn't experienced the risk and pain she writes of. i'm pretty sure i would not have understood it at the age of 20. altho' the times they are a-changin'; they--students--seem to know and do more in their teens than i knew and did in my 30's. what is it from, do you know?

best,
chippertu

[chippertu]

hi mw --

my whole hesitance is, knowing what little i know about his/her (i really don't know which pronoun to use. when he's dressed in men's clothing, there is no hint of fem about him, and i know it when i see it.) state of mind, i am very reluctant to take such a big step. i just don't know how fragile his psyche is, and i don't want to rush him into anything he's not ready for.

[Sweet Susan]

I love that name!!!!! :)

Firstly, I would NOT tell your student you know about her. It will likely make her paranoid, if not fearful of you, and it might scare her into denial and all of the pain that come with it. Also, as a professional, you know as well as I do that getting mixed up with student's personal lives can sometimes create monster problems with administrators and parents. Let her come out to you in her own good time. She needs to feel safe. If you out her, you take her safety away from her and make her feel vulnerable. That would be a mistake.
Chrissy


Not sure I agree with this bit of advice. Honesty works best. If I had found out that I'd been talking with someone that knew about me and didn't say anything, I'd have a problem with that. But that's just me. :cool: