What the hell do i do??

[KayleighTV_UK]

Hi everyone..

Before i start, i just wanted to say thank you for all your help, support and compliments on my pics!! you all make me feel amazing..

Ok.. well, there has been something playing on my mind, and i thought i would share it with you all.. not really for comments, but just because i wanted to write it down... but feel free to comment.. any would be apreicated..

Ok, during some of my last posts ive mentioned a few things about my life.. the first thing really is that i got out of a relationship with a very understanding g/f about 6 weeks ago.. now im on my own.. for the first time in... ohhhh.. 4 years?? dosent sound a lot.. but its hard for me, ive just really discovered who i really am..
During this time i felt.. held back.. although she was wonderfull to me..and even taught me how to do my makeup.. things change.. and i had to get away.. to find myself again..

Now im back out in the open, im suffering quite badly. im desperate for some support.. someone to talk to.. i live with my parents (sad isnt it?) who both know about me.. (i outed to them about 5/6 years ago.. was VERY hard) but i just dont feel comfortable talking to them about it... all i really want to do at this moment in time is SHOW them... they may know .. but they have never seen... im so confused.. i just want to be able to be myself.. to do my own thing.. but i feel yet again trapped.. i want to be able to talk to them about something they have seen.. because im sure they dont take me seriously..

Im sorry to randomly ofload my feelings, i just know someone will understand..

Kay X

[DonnaT]

Show your mother a skirt or something in a catalog and tell her that is what you would like for Christmas. If she ask's why, show her the real you. After all, you did out yourself to them a few years back and you didn't say that they were upset. If she gets you the skirt, hey . . .

[KayleighTV_UK]

After all, you did out yourself to them a few years back and you didn't say that they were upset.

No your right, i didint.. my dad was fine, said something about us being in the 20th century not the 14th.. i was always worried to let him down, or for him not to be proud of me.. he got me into my career, so i guess thats why..

But my mum.. she couldnt handle it... i went with her to counseling for a while so she could understand.. but things are different now.. a lot more open.. its brought up OCCASIONALY.. but all i want to do is show myself off, i feel like i cant be me here because i would just not be taken seriously.. does that make sense?

And great idea with the catalouge.. might try that one..

X

[DonnaT]

i feel like i cant be me here because i would just not be taken seriously.. does that make sense?

Yes and No. :confused: :D

Your feelings can't be denied, and that makes sense, but these feeling are based on the unkown, and that does not make sense.

You will never know if you will be taken seriously until you take the next step.

And after all that counseling, wouldn't the next step be to let your mother see what you were going on about?

And you may be worried that when you do, you'll be laughed at? If so, do like I did my wife. When she saw me, I got the first jump by simply saying, "Well, go ahead and laugh!" And she smiled but didn't laugh.

[KayleighTV_UK]

And after all that counseling, wouldn't the next step be to let your mother see what you were going on about?

Easy in words... :) im her "little boy"... ugh.. ugly saying..
I just get the feeling that it would upset her A LOT.. if she was to see it... i can imagine it would be hard.. especialy for a mother.. now that does make sense..

I really just want to don my best dress and walk out of this four walled box room to the rest of the house.. without uspeting the ones i love.. :(

Kay

[Julie York]

I am not in your situation (so I am just trying to be helpful), but to avoid embarrassment on both parts, you should offer the opportunity to show your real self. Bring it up. "You know what we discussed four years ago..well it is stil there and it is important to me etc..." Then depending on how that goes....follow it up...."Would you let me show you? Just once?" Then let it be depending on the answer

[KayleighTV_UK]

, yet they still think it is just a phase I'm going through. They think I will somehow grow out of it, they do not take me seriously.


My point exactly.. you see the problem here is that i dont think that my mother really does understand... i think maybe she thinks that im after attention.. i dont know!

All im saying is that i want to be able to be me.. in my own home!! im fed up of hiding myself in my little blue walled box room forever..

Kay

[MonaSmith]

Kay,

I live at home with my mum, I own half of the house, long story, and I came out to her when I was about 15. That was a long time ago, and yet I have never been dressed in front of her. She knows that I dress and she doesn't have a problem with it, I just have never felt comfortable enough to show her. I really sympathise with you and have felt those feelings of being trapped and wanting to break out too. If you take it slowly and with small revelations, rather than just confronting her with it, she might find it easier to deal with. You need to think of her feelings but you need to do what is right for you too. These feelings aren't just going to go away.

I hope that it all works out for you and your mum, and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to confide in us. This place is meant for this kind of stuff.

[KayleighTV_UK]

I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to confide in us. This place is meant for this kind of stuff.

I may have only been posting here a week. but i feel like have connected with people that are going to be there for me for a lot longer..

As a wise person once told me, the only person that can understand you is someone like you...

Thank you Mona..

Kay X {Still huddled in a corner, somewhere near London...}

[MonaSmith]

Kay,

Huddling in a corner is fine, just don't ever beat yourself up about how you feel. We are all here to help in any way we can.

[KayleighTV_UK]

I guess this just about sums it all up....

Its Not My Fault

If im not normal,
then who the hell is?
Its not my fault im different,
Ive been this way for years..
Ive been her since i was a kid.

If im not normal,
Then i dont really care..
Its not my fault im falling..
Ive been down for a while,
Ive been down because life wasnt fair...

But im falling away..
Im drifting apart..
Diffrenet peices of me scatered..
Different girls in my heart..
And they always turn away...

But ill always have me...
But ill always have her.
Thats all i have left
But thats just ****ed....

If im just the same as her..
Then who the hell am i?
Its not my fault shes here..
Ive been this way for years..
Ive been this way since i was a kid...

But im falling away..
Im drifting apart..
Diffrenet peices of me scatered..
Different girls in my heart..
And they always turn away...

But ill always have me...
But ill always have her.
Thats all i have left
But thats just f*cked....

And im not gonna change for anyone..
Anyone
anyone
anyone..

a.n.y.o.n.e

Copyright 2004 - Kayleigh

Sorry, i just felt like sharing that..

X

[Sharon]

Kay,
I have a thought. Dangerous I know, but here goes:
Since both your parents already know about you, and you feel a need to be yourself with them, how about you tell them that "Kayleigh" would like to prepare a nice dinner for them?
It's just a thought and please understand that I have never been in your position, but -- who knows? -- maybe they'll be open to the idea. Take any indecisiveness on their part as a positive! Once you tell them of your idea, just go for it, no matter what they say. At least it won't be a total shock.

Take this for what it's worth. Hopefully, you'll think of a better idea.

Good luck! :)
Sharon

[Rikki]

Hi Kay,
That was beautiful. Ihave to agree with Donna T, the next time you see an add for a nice skirt or plouse, mention it to your mom that you would like that for Christmas. If she gets it, then ask her if she would like to see how it looks on you. If she hesitates when you tell her that you would like it, just ask her what she thinks, then go from there. I don't think that would change the way she sees you. Or have to get a place where you can go and be yourself. Which ever way you go, I wish you the best .
Rikki

[MonaSmith]

But ill always have her.
That line hit home to me so hard, for many reasons Kay. Even when I was at my most wretched, hating myself, hurting myself, I also always had 'her'. 'She' was often the only thing that kept me here. It was when I tried to forget or deny 'her', that I fell the furthest and hardest.

I really, truly hope that you will be okay.

[KayleighTV_UK]

I know I might be out of order with what I am about to say but, that was a well written piece you have wrote. I know your life is a struggle, but that Poem(?) was well written with emotion. sorry if I sound un-caring, I just wanted to tell you how I felt about your writing.
Love Amelie

Its a song, i write, play guitar and sing.. (hence i can pass with long hair..)

Im taking that as a compliment Amelie..



That line hit home to me so hard, for many reasons Kay. Even when I was at my most wretched, hating myself, hurting myself, I also always had 'her'. 'She' was often the only thing that kept me here. It was when I tried to forget or deny 'her', that I fell the furthest and hardest.

She will always be with me... as i said before, she is my light.. my shield and my happiness.. without Kay, i dont think i would be here now... sorry to depress, but thats how i feel..

Kay X

[MonaSmith]

She will always be with me... as i said before, she is my light.. my shield and my happiness.. without Kay, i dont think i would be here now... sorry to depress, but thats how i feel..

Kay X That's not depressing Kay, that is a very positive thing. I feel exactly the same way about Mona. She has, and still is, saving my life and making it all worthwhile.

[KayleighTV_UK]

That's not depressing Kay, that is a very positive thing. I feel exactly the same way about Mona. She has, and still is, saving my life and making it all worthwhile.

"she's the only girl i can rely on..
When all the rest have turned and gone..
She wont say goodbye or make me crawl..
She will be there when i take my fall..."

I just wrote that....

Kay X

[KayleighTV_UK]

Well... ive totaly gone off topic now..

Just finished my last cigarette, so now, im off to find a nice silk nightie and a pretty thong to sleep in..

Sorry to depress...

Night

Kay X

[MonaSmith]

Well... ive totaly gone off topic now..

Just finished my last cigarette, so now, im off to find a nice silk nightie and a pretty thong to sleep in..

Sorry to depress...

Night

Kay X
I hope you feel a bit better about it all in the morning Kay, If not we'll all be here for you.

Sleep tight

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Sorry Kayleigh, sounds tough right now (living with my parents would make me sucidal I think or homicidal--my father and I don't generally get along well, though better as of late). Anyhow, don't know as I have any words of wisdom that, as usual, have not already been said. Hang in there sister and find yer own place soon:)

hugs
kew

[Vickie-CD]

Hi everyone..

Before i start, i just wanted to say thank you for all your help, support and compliments on my pics!! you all make me feel amazing..

Ok.. well, there has been something playing on my mind, and i thought i would share it with you all.. not really for comments, but just because i wanted to write it down... but feel free to comment.. any would be apreicated..

Ok, during some of my last posts ive mentioned a few things about my life.. the first thing really is that i got out of a relationship with a very understanding g/f about 6 weeks ago.. now im on my own.. for the first time in... ohhhh.. 4 years?? dosent sound a lot.. but its hard for me, ive just really discovered who i really am..
During this time i felt.. held back.. although she was wonderfull to me..and even taught me how to do my makeup.. things change.. and i had to get away.. to find myself again..

Now im back out in the open, im suffering quite badly. im desperate for some support.. someone to talk to.. i live with my parents (sad isnt it?) who both know about me.. (i outed to them about 5/6 years ago.. was VERY hard) but i just dont feel comfortable talking to them about it... all i really want to do at this moment in time is SHOW them... they may know .. but they have never seen... im so confused.. i just want to be able to be myself.. to do my own thing.. but i feel yet again trapped.. i want to be able to talk to them about something they have seen.. because im sure they dont take me seriously..

Im sorry to randomly ofload my feelings, i just know someone will understand..

Kay X

Kay, first of all nothing is sad about being with your parents, I am assuming economicaly you had no other choice. You have to have a roof over your head until you can get on your feet. I am sure it was very hard to come out to them, but they must love you very much, they allowed you back in there home. Perhaps when the time is right, you could just ask them if they would like to see and take it from there. I sincerely hope the very best for you and I know you will find happiness, you must be stronger than you give yourself credit for, it takes a lot of courage to come-out and you had the strength to do that. You also made the statement "I feel yet again trapped", that tells me you experianced not being trapped in the past, so you will be "untrapped" again. Never be sorry to offload your feelings here, you are among true friends that do understand, and true friends are there for you when you need them most.
Your Friend,
Vickie

[Vickie-CD]

Kay, do not apoligize "sorry to depress", we all want to help. I'll tell you and everyone else here something I have never posted before, I have been on anti-depressants for over 12 years now. It has nothing to do with my dressing, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, I was just dealt a bad hand but have to do the best I can. If your depression gets to bad, or gets worse, please,please get help. From my heart, I hope the sun shines brighter for you tomorrow.
Wishing you the Best,
Vickie

[Rachel_740]

Kayleigh,

Forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else has already said here, I haven't read all the posts.

When I told my mum and dad that I was going for SRS they didn't even know of my dressing. They were cool with it though (I'm a very lucky girl). A couple of weeks after telling them I was on the phone to mum and I asked if it would be OK to go round as Rachel. Mum said 'yes', so within a couple of days I made an excuse to do just that.

When I turned up they accepted me without question.

I would suggest you do something similar with your mum. Say to her that she has known about your dressing for some time, and ask if she minds if you get dressed one evening to watch tele or something, even just for half an hour. I know this could be construed as asking permission to be yourself, but if you start gently, and show respect for the feelings of others you are more likely to be accepted. I would also choose a time when your dad is out or busy, as normally mums are more understanding.

If you can get some time like this to be yourself with your mum, perhaps you could chat with her about it and your feelings, get a better understanding of her feelings and take it from there.

Rachel

[Rachel_740]

PS.

Sorry to be a bit blunt but what are you doing with a BLUE room. Get it decorated girlie. That might tell your parents something too.

Rachel

[KayleighTV_UK]

PS.

Sorry to be a bit blunt but what are you doing with a BLUE room. Get it decorated girlie. That might tell your parents something too.

Rachel

LOL!!! it was the only colour we could find to paint it when we moved in.. so thats why!! but i see your point.. i always wanted pink.. but hey ;)

I had a long talk with my mum on the phone today.. told her how i felt.. she was a little... well, she said that she thought that one day i would want to be Kay all the time.. and that it was the thought that i might be a Kay and not her son that scared her... we talked for about an hour while i was at work.. bearing in mind that the job i do is really Telesales.. i just ignored the over phones and kept on talking...

We came to an agrement.. she wants to take a look at the pictures from saturday, that i posted here on sunday?? {see previous thread} and well.. she said she would have to get used to it.. and that is something that ive always wanted to hear.. i kinda layed it down that i would either move and find my own space, or live in the ideal world that i would stay here and have that space and freedom.. and i know which i want.. ;)

Anyway.. i dont really know what else to say.. i just got in from shopping with my dad.. bought a load of new makeup.. how did i manage this with my dad around?? "oh, its a present for my best friends fiance'" ha ha.. so easy to shop for girly things this time of year.. wanted to go into Claires accessories and buy loads of new hair related things.. but i would never get away with it..

Anyway.. Thanks for listening all.. any comments/suggestions would be great..

Kayleigh.. feeling a little better about the world..

X

[KayleighTV_UK]

she said that she thought that one day i would want to be Kay all the time.. and that it was the thought that i might be a Kay and not her son that scared her...


Just wanted to add.. ive thought about this sentance.. and im really NOT SURE what to think of it..... im not sure.. maybe one day.. soon, i will do it............. Unsure really.. what would happen to everyone around me??? would anyone care?????????????????????????

[MonaSmith]

.. wanted to go into Claires accessories and buy loads of new hair related things.. but i would never get away with it.
Oooh Claires Accessories, the Palace of Glittering Delights!

[KayleighTV_UK]

Oooh Claires Accessories, the Palace of Glittering Delights!

Its quite sad really.. i spent 3 hours wandering around Lakeside shopping centre (for all those that dont know, Lakeside is one of the biggest shopping centres in south east england) shopping for OTHER PEOPLE???? whats up with that???? all i wanted to do was spend a forture in La Sensa.. or New Look.. but NOOOOO.. i had to buy christmas presents.. and my purse hurts.. anyone got any asprin?? for my purse that is...

Kay

[MonaSmith]

Lakeside, at this time of year! Are you mad girl? I always just end up going round and round in circles looking for the exit. It is easy to lose your bearings in there. Not to mention the seething mass of humanity. Sorry. Not a big fan of Christmas Shopping. Can you tell?

[KayleighTV_UK]

Lakeside, at this time of year! Are you mad girl? I always just end up going round and round in circles looking for the exit. It is easy to lose your bearings in there. Not to mention the seething mass of humanity. Sorry. Not a big fan of Christmas Shopping. Can you tell?

I live about 20mins drive from it... and work about 5mins from there.. so its close for me.. in fact i work closer to bluewater but bluewater is lakeside + a few £££

It had to be done... so much shopping.. and not enough time.. its the eve of the eve of christmas eve tommrow.. (like that saying...) and well.. it will be even more packed than it was today tommrrow or thursday... so i guess i did the right thing..

I agree though its BLOODY hot in there... !!!

Kay

[MonaSmith]

I don't go there often. It's not local to me, and I don't drive so I only go when my friend needs some moral support when he is shopping. He takes me shopping all the time. I should really come out to him. He says we look like a gay couple when we go shopping. I laugh, but for different reasons to him, if only he knew. Anyway my point was, if I had one at all, that I have never been there for girls stuff so don't know how it is for that?

[KayleighTV_UK]

New look at lakeside is great... ive never had any trouble shopping there...
Spent about £100 on underwear last time i went in there.. and went back for more afterwards!!

Check out H&M as well.. (Dress in my Avatar pic is H&M)

Hope this helps..

[MonaSmith]

Maybe I should come out to my friend and get him to take me shopping after Christmas. I'm sure he would love to go looking through all the girls stuff, lol. It would be worth it just to see his face. He hates shopping which is why he always takes me I'm good at it (can't think why?).

I live in Croydon, so am no stranger to shopping centres. I think we have a H&M maybe some 'Christmas' shopping is in order.

Thanks Kay.

[KayleighTV_UK]

Anytime Mona, anytime!! i should be thanking you for your help, advice and lovely comments on the words i posted earlier in this thread.. wrote them a long time ago.. when i was REALLY down..

Just a point of interest, but most of my money goes in charity shops.. i love them!! its amazing what you can get for a few ££.. i got a wedding dress in one (i know, i know.. classic..) for £35 and it had a tag in it that said £325.. so i didint do bad, although the shop assistant asked me if i wanted the matching shoes.. !!! they were a 5.. and im a 14... so err.. no..

Anyway. rambling now.. strangley, ive worn it once.. never felt right..

Kay X

[MonaSmith]

Anytime Mona, anytime!! i should be thanking you for your help, advice and lovely comments on the words i posted earlier in this thread.. wrote them a long time ago.. when i was REALLY down..Are you feeling a bit better today? You sound a lot happier.


although the shop assistant asked me if i wanted the matching shoes.. !!! they were a 5.. and im a 14... so err.. no..You must have trouble getting shoes? I have enough grief getting 9s. Where do you get them from?

[KayleighTV_UK]

Is it me ? or are we draging out this thread? i like it!! hehe..

Im feeling alright... im a little confused, as i said earlier in the thread.. my mum thinks i want to go full time now.... and im really not sure how i feel about that.. im tired, fed up and feel like im getting a cold which will probably come about on christmas day.. but apart from that im alright!!

As for the shoe situation..

http://www.hayway.demon.co.uk/

Try that..

Or if you want to shop in the US (Where my lovely infamous 5" heels came from) http://www.queenfashions.com/

I should start a "kayleigh's online shopping sites" thread..

Kay

[DonnaT]

I had a long talk with my mum on the phone today.. told her how i felt.. she was a little... well, she said that she thought that one day i would want to be Kay all the time.. and that it was the thought that i might be a Kay and not her son that scared her...

Glad to hear you had that talk finally. Appears to me she can accept you no matter what you decide, because there is lots of love in her fear of loosing her son. I think, if you show her that you can still be her son, even when in a dress, she'll feel better.

It's the same with my wife. Fear of loosing her husband, but I tell her I am still me, just dressed different.

And maybe, just maybe, you can also be a daughter and do what mothers and daughters do when they hang together at home.

[KayleighTV_UK]

I tell her I am still me, just dressed different.
Almost true.. but not quite.. I am her and she is me and we are all togeher {The Beatles - The Walrus}


And maybe, just maybe, you can also be a daughter and do what mothers and daughters do when they hang together at home.

That's a lovely thing to say... the problem here is i have a sister... and i could never be the same as she is.. besides, she wont wear anything unless it has "Morgan" Or "Vershache" {Did i spell that right???} on the tag..

At the end of the day, i think my mums words about me wanting to be Kay all the time are kinda right.. i would love to, in an ideal world.. but this isnt an ideal world, i would loose so much... and once i get there. would i like the view??? for now im more than happy...

Argh.. ramble ramble ramble..

X

[MonaSmith]

Is it me ? or are we draging out this thread? i like it!! hehe.. It does seem to have turned into a private conversation, but that's okay. Aren't all the threads on this forum 'dragged' out?


Im feeling alright... im a little confused, as i said earlier in the thread.. my mum thinks i want to go full time now.... and im really not sure how i feel about that.. im tired, fed up and feel like im getting a cold which will probably come about on christmas day.. but apart from that im alright!!So, just a traditional Christmas then, lol.

I like the shoe links, thanks for those. I buy shoes mostly from catalogues and Ebay. I do love to buy stuff from Ebay.

[KayleighTV_UK]

I like the shoe links, thanks for those. I buy shoes mostly from catalogues and Ebay. I do love to buy stuff from Ebay.

As i said in an earlier thread.. Buy it.. sell it, love it.. Ebay.co.uk... Dun dun dunnnggg... damm adverts..

E-bay is great.. but they always seem to reject my credit card.. maybe i should pay the bill more often!! lol..

[MonaSmith]

Paypal is my best friend.

[KayleighTV_UK]

Just another random thought, i have to do a lot of my shopping @ www.longtallsally.co.uk .. why you ask? ive mentioned it in a previous thread, im 6' 8" tall, without heels!!!!!! a short skirt to me is a belt... ha ha..

Just adding to the shopping links..

KAy

[MonaSmith]

Just another random thought, i have to do a lot of my shopping @ www.longtallsally.co.uk .. why you ask? ive mentioned it in a previous thread, im 6' 8" tall, without heels!!!!!! a short skirt to me is a belt... ha ha..

Just adding to the shopping links..

KAy
I use LTS too. I'm just under 6' but I am all legs and arms. They are a bit pricey though. If you type LTS or Long Tall Sally into Ebay you can get stuff cheaper, though. Ebay, is there anything it can't do?

[KayleighTV_UK]

I got this rubber chicken on e-bay, my dog loves it...

Isnt that the advert???

Or something about "battleaxe, forged in iron..." oh i cant remember.. i just remember they bug me cos ive heard them so many times!!!!

[MonaSmith]

I hate those adverts, but I love Ebay, I'm so torn!

[KayleighTV_UK]

Its an a-typical Love hate relationship!!! lol..

I love having shaved legs, but i hate the bloody rash i get afterwards..

Same Difference..

X

[MonaSmith]

Its an a-typical Love hate relationship!!! lol..

I love having shaved legs, but i hate the bloody rash i get afterwards..

Same Difference..

X
Lol, so true. Still there is nothing like the felling of freshly shaved legs on crisp, cold, white bedsheets. So worth the rash.

[KayleighTV_UK]

Speaking of bedsheets.. im off to get into mine..

Thank you Mona, for being so nice ! X

Kayleigh X

[MonaSmith]

Speaking of bedsheets.. im off to get into mine..

Thank you Mona, for being so nice ! X

Kayleigh XI should too, but there is still so much to see on the internet, I must be near the end soon!

My pleasure Kay, sleep well and I'll speak to you soon.