Nyx
09-10-2006, 02:45 PM
I just felt like telling you girls about this...
1. Background Info...
Well, for those who don't know, I have been taking hormones on my own before. Except I wasn't really sure I wanted to go all the way and transition, my therapist wasn't happy with what I was doing, and well, the people I was ordering them from weren't reliable. Well, the end result was that my dosages varied erratically, I had to stop and restart several times, and well, although I did take hormones for a total of maybe 4.5 months, the longest I ever took them continuously was about 2 months. Not to mention that I had many troubles with spironolactone, the only t-blocker I could afford.
This was a rather negative experience, you might say, but I still found out that I generally felt with hormones than without them. Everytime I was on hormones, I would feel more calm and at peace, and generally more comfortable in my own body... And everytime I stopped, I would feel like crap again. During that time, I came to decide that transition was the best course of action for me. I also dropped my therapist, because the amount she charged was obscene when taking in account my student budget. I also didn't like her policy of not disclosing what was going to happen next, and making all her patients blindly wait for hormones, for up to 18 months...
2. My First Attempt...
To make it clear, without hormones, I feel like I'm slowly "decaying" because of testosterone. I feel like I'm wasting my potential for feminity. And well, being very desperate, I decided I was going to see a doctor. The first doctor I saw was recommended by friends. I got an appointment with her, and well... She seemed rather understanding... For the first minute... She wasn't happy that I took hormones on my own, yet she was willing to prescribe them (which was good enough for me). Except that she wanted me to meet some psychiatrist for an evaluation. I found that stupid, since I made it clear I was already taking hormones, but I agreed.
However, as I was talking to her and asking her questions, she became more and more rude. It became clear that if she prescribed hormones, she would decide about every aspect of my medication. There was no room for my input, and it would be done her way. She also stated that she only prescribed estrogen, and would try to "max the dosage to cancel testosterone", and that she only ever prescribed t-blockers as a last result. She wouldn't answer any of my questions about anything else. I asked her if she would be willing to prescribe progesterone on demand, she answered that this had no effect and that it was out of the question.
After I asked here these few questions about the medication, she proceeded to tell me that "You have overly high expectations of what hormones can do for you", even though I asked nothing about what the effects would be (only about the dosages and types of meds she would prescribe). She also told me that "Patients I have treated generally don't get much feminization". And well, that did it for me. Even though she *was* willing to prescribe hormones, she seemed to rude, biased and incompetent, that I decided I would find someone better.
3. My Second Attempt...
After this, I became more desperate. I received letters from the Canadian govt telling me that my hormones had been stopped at the border (two packages). This signified that I couldn't get hormones on my own anymore (or at least not without some more elaborate scheme).
I decided that I would go see a doctor at my university's medical clinic. I just figured that I had nothing to lose, and that well, it was unlikely that they would ridicule me should they refuse to prescribe them. To my surprise, the female doctor was very willing to help. She said that she did not know much about hormones, however, and thus asked her supervisor (another doctor), to come in her office. I had a quick chat with him, and he asked me to take a blood test. He said that he would then "start me up" on hormones.
Two weeks later, I went to see him and got the blood test results. Unfortunately, no prescription, however. He told me that the results were mostly normal (I didn't suffer from anemia as does my mother), but there were a few "odd" things in there. Apparently, my testosterone level is above average (oh great)... Except that I also have an elevated progesterone level that is not normally found in males, although I never ever took progesterone in any form (huh?), and lastly, he said I had some slightly elevated liver levels.
Because of these "odd" results, he asked me to take a second blood test to verify their correctness. He asked me to stop taking propecia (anti hair loss med), to see if the liver levels would come back down, or if it was just like that "from birth". He said this was needed to make sure later on that the hormones didn't affect my liver functions. I asked him what would happen if these levels went down (were not "from birth"), and he said he would then prescribe hormones separately from t-blockers at first, to be sure which product affects my liver, if there is an effect.
4. The Now...
So, this is where I am now. I am seeing the doctor in less than a week's time, and well, I should be getting a prescription this time, no matter what. He doesn't really have any reason to ask for further delays, but if he somehow does, I will probably become more insistant. I find the wait rather hard to bear... I last took estrogen over a month ago, and since, I've been getting more acne, faster hair growth, etc... Things are basically coming back to where they were before I ever took hormones, and it's very uncomfortable...
I just want a real prescription, so I can take hormones without ever stopping again... And I hope he won't make me wait too long to raise the dosages... Because I really want to evict all testosterone out of my body for good. Testosterone is poison to me. And well, the way I feel, when I'm not on hormones, I'm on a downward slope... I want to be back on hormones so I can begin climbing up the hill again, and escape this dark valley of pain and discomfort. I wasn't meant to be male, and I've had enough of being forced to live as one. I'm 21, and I feel like I haven't really been living my life. I want to start living it for real. I want to feel free, for once. I want to be born again.
Outside of hormones, I have been doing other things for my transition. About 90% of my wardrobe is now female clothing. I wear "neutral" girls clothes in my daily life. People don't know they're girls clothes, because they still "pass" as male clothes, but I feel somewhat more comfortable. Being dressed entirely in women's clothing, even if it's "neutral", helps me become more comfortable with the idea of living full time as a woman. I have been progressively switching to more feminine, more adjusted jeans and tees also, to get others used to this as well. So far, nobody said anything. I have also been getting laser hair removal, tweezing my eyebrows, and going out clubbing as a girl with friends...
Yet, outside of all that, I still feel like hormones are the key of the process. Without them, I still feel like a male. No matter how feminine I idealize myself to be, testosterone keeps me physically masculine, makes me more aggressive, more edgy... And gives me some less pleasant male thoughts. The best I can do without hormones is to reach a point of almost complete passability. If I make my best effort at dressing and makeup, I can "fool" many people into thinking I'm a girl. Yet, I can't convince everyone, and as soon as I relax my efforts slightly, it doesn't work anymore. In my daily life, people never ever "mistake" me for a girl. I want hormones to make me feminine enough so I can walk around, and people will *instinctively* perceive me as female (without me having to give them extremely obvious clues as to how I want to be perceived). I know this is possible given that they will alter the shape of my face enough (and give me some breast). The entire point is, I want to be able to pass all the time, and be comfortable the way I am.
1. Background Info...
Well, for those who don't know, I have been taking hormones on my own before. Except I wasn't really sure I wanted to go all the way and transition, my therapist wasn't happy with what I was doing, and well, the people I was ordering them from weren't reliable. Well, the end result was that my dosages varied erratically, I had to stop and restart several times, and well, although I did take hormones for a total of maybe 4.5 months, the longest I ever took them continuously was about 2 months. Not to mention that I had many troubles with spironolactone, the only t-blocker I could afford.
This was a rather negative experience, you might say, but I still found out that I generally felt with hormones than without them. Everytime I was on hormones, I would feel more calm and at peace, and generally more comfortable in my own body... And everytime I stopped, I would feel like crap again. During that time, I came to decide that transition was the best course of action for me. I also dropped my therapist, because the amount she charged was obscene when taking in account my student budget. I also didn't like her policy of not disclosing what was going to happen next, and making all her patients blindly wait for hormones, for up to 18 months...
2. My First Attempt...
To make it clear, without hormones, I feel like I'm slowly "decaying" because of testosterone. I feel like I'm wasting my potential for feminity. And well, being very desperate, I decided I was going to see a doctor. The first doctor I saw was recommended by friends. I got an appointment with her, and well... She seemed rather understanding... For the first minute... She wasn't happy that I took hormones on my own, yet she was willing to prescribe them (which was good enough for me). Except that she wanted me to meet some psychiatrist for an evaluation. I found that stupid, since I made it clear I was already taking hormones, but I agreed.
However, as I was talking to her and asking her questions, she became more and more rude. It became clear that if she prescribed hormones, she would decide about every aspect of my medication. There was no room for my input, and it would be done her way. She also stated that she only prescribed estrogen, and would try to "max the dosage to cancel testosterone", and that she only ever prescribed t-blockers as a last result. She wouldn't answer any of my questions about anything else. I asked her if she would be willing to prescribe progesterone on demand, she answered that this had no effect and that it was out of the question.
After I asked here these few questions about the medication, she proceeded to tell me that "You have overly high expectations of what hormones can do for you", even though I asked nothing about what the effects would be (only about the dosages and types of meds she would prescribe). She also told me that "Patients I have treated generally don't get much feminization". And well, that did it for me. Even though she *was* willing to prescribe hormones, she seemed to rude, biased and incompetent, that I decided I would find someone better.
3. My Second Attempt...
After this, I became more desperate. I received letters from the Canadian govt telling me that my hormones had been stopped at the border (two packages). This signified that I couldn't get hormones on my own anymore (or at least not without some more elaborate scheme).
I decided that I would go see a doctor at my university's medical clinic. I just figured that I had nothing to lose, and that well, it was unlikely that they would ridicule me should they refuse to prescribe them. To my surprise, the female doctor was very willing to help. She said that she did not know much about hormones, however, and thus asked her supervisor (another doctor), to come in her office. I had a quick chat with him, and he asked me to take a blood test. He said that he would then "start me up" on hormones.
Two weeks later, I went to see him and got the blood test results. Unfortunately, no prescription, however. He told me that the results were mostly normal (I didn't suffer from anemia as does my mother), but there were a few "odd" things in there. Apparently, my testosterone level is above average (oh great)... Except that I also have an elevated progesterone level that is not normally found in males, although I never ever took progesterone in any form (huh?), and lastly, he said I had some slightly elevated liver levels.
Because of these "odd" results, he asked me to take a second blood test to verify their correctness. He asked me to stop taking propecia (anti hair loss med), to see if the liver levels would come back down, or if it was just like that "from birth". He said this was needed to make sure later on that the hormones didn't affect my liver functions. I asked him what would happen if these levels went down (were not "from birth"), and he said he would then prescribe hormones separately from t-blockers at first, to be sure which product affects my liver, if there is an effect.
4. The Now...
So, this is where I am now. I am seeing the doctor in less than a week's time, and well, I should be getting a prescription this time, no matter what. He doesn't really have any reason to ask for further delays, but if he somehow does, I will probably become more insistant. I find the wait rather hard to bear... I last took estrogen over a month ago, and since, I've been getting more acne, faster hair growth, etc... Things are basically coming back to where they were before I ever took hormones, and it's very uncomfortable...
I just want a real prescription, so I can take hormones without ever stopping again... And I hope he won't make me wait too long to raise the dosages... Because I really want to evict all testosterone out of my body for good. Testosterone is poison to me. And well, the way I feel, when I'm not on hormones, I'm on a downward slope... I want to be back on hormones so I can begin climbing up the hill again, and escape this dark valley of pain and discomfort. I wasn't meant to be male, and I've had enough of being forced to live as one. I'm 21, and I feel like I haven't really been living my life. I want to start living it for real. I want to feel free, for once. I want to be born again.
Outside of hormones, I have been doing other things for my transition. About 90% of my wardrobe is now female clothing. I wear "neutral" girls clothes in my daily life. People don't know they're girls clothes, because they still "pass" as male clothes, but I feel somewhat more comfortable. Being dressed entirely in women's clothing, even if it's "neutral", helps me become more comfortable with the idea of living full time as a woman. I have been progressively switching to more feminine, more adjusted jeans and tees also, to get others used to this as well. So far, nobody said anything. I have also been getting laser hair removal, tweezing my eyebrows, and going out clubbing as a girl with friends...
Yet, outside of all that, I still feel like hormones are the key of the process. Without them, I still feel like a male. No matter how feminine I idealize myself to be, testosterone keeps me physically masculine, makes me more aggressive, more edgy... And gives me some less pleasant male thoughts. The best I can do without hormones is to reach a point of almost complete passability. If I make my best effort at dressing and makeup, I can "fool" many people into thinking I'm a girl. Yet, I can't convince everyone, and as soon as I relax my efforts slightly, it doesn't work anymore. In my daily life, people never ever "mistake" me for a girl. I want hormones to make me feminine enough so I can walk around, and people will *instinctively* perceive me as female (without me having to give them extremely obvious clues as to how I want to be perceived). I know this is possible given that they will alter the shape of my face enough (and give me some breast). The entire point is, I want to be able to pass all the time, and be comfortable the way I am.