sorry, a rant

[bi_weird]

Dinner today sucked. The whole gang was gathered together, which should have been cool.As the meal went on I found my stomach churning and my heart racing. As soon as I finished my plate I ran upstairs and tried not to think. I don't know whats going on, but I can't stand crowds anymore. I found myself wanting to put on boys clothes, but so scared that someone would see me. I have a roommate now, and even though she's cool I find myself hiding everything from her.
I really wish I knew what was going on. I hate these things, where suddenly this great beast takes over my head and reroutes my life, and I'm just along for the ride. I wish I had some semblance of control, 'cause right now I just feel alone and powerless. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong skin, I need to change what I'm wearing and change my name. Sometimes I think I'm just making shit up for attention. It comes and goes, and I don't know what to make of that.
I just keep hiding. Not telling my friends about anything that upsets me. Avoiding this site because hell, I didn't pick for this to be me. Leaving my house to feel less locked in. Avoiding the guy who makes me happy because I'm afraid of how much he means to me. I don't want to think about big scary things anymore. I don't want to apply to grad schools, or fall in love, and I definitely don't want to have to come out all over again, this time as transgender. I really really would like to be able to simply worry about classes and my birthday party this weekend.
I still want to go put on boys clothes though. Why doesn't this make any sense?
Anyway sorry for the rant. I'm sure I'll feel better later.

[CaptLex]

I really wish I knew what was going on. I hate these things, where suddenly this great beast takes over my head and reroutes my life, and I'm just along for the ride. I wish I had some semblance of control, 'cause right now I just feel alone and powerless. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong skin, I need to change what I'm wearing and change my name. Sometimes I think I'm just making shit up for attention. It comes and goes, and I don't know what to make of that.
Wow, I'm glad you got all that out - that must have really been eating at you. Deep breaths . . . come on, deep breaths. That's better.


I just keep hiding. Not telling my friends about anything that upsets me. Avoiding this site because hell, I didn't pick for this to be me. Leaving my house to feel less locked in. Avoiding the guy who makes me happy because I'm afraid of how much he means to me. I don't want to think about big scary things anymore. I don't want to apply to grad schools, or fall in love, and I definitely don't want to have to come out all over again, this time as transgender. I really really would like to be able to simply worry about classes and my birthday party this weekend.
Man . . . it sounds like you've got so many things coming at you all at once. No wonder you're overwhelmed. It must feel like you're being put through the spin cycle. Of course, you're welcome to come here, rant and seek advice anytime (especially if you can't confide in friends and loved ones), but I'm thinking it sounds like maybe you would benefit from seeing a counselor of some kind. Someone who could help you direct your energies to one thing at a time so the ceiling doesn't fall on you. Is that possible?


I still want to go put on boys clothes though. Why doesn't this make any sense? Anyway sorry for the rant. I'm sure I'll feel better later.
Makes total sense to me, dude. No need to apologize - this is a forum of support and information. That's why we're here. Hope we can help. :hugs:

P.S. Hope you can enjoy your birthday party. :bday:

[AmberTG]

Why would anyone complain if you wear boy's jeans and shirts? Girls do that all the time and, in my opinion, girls plain jeans and boys jeans look pretty much the same except for the cut, which can be hard to tell. When I was young (mid 70s) girls were wearing boys Levis as hiphuggers all the time. If you have big hips compared to your waist, you may have a problem with the fit, just wear them on your hips. If you choose to wear whitey tightys, who's gonna see them? Just for reference, I wear Riders jeans all the time when I'm not working, (don't want to get em dirty and worn out too fast) nobody notices, so why would they notice, or care for that matter, if you were wearing Lee jeans or Levi's.

[JenniferMint]

I found myself wanting to put on boys clothes, but so scared that someone would see me.

Yeah, like AmberTG said, I think if you want to put on boys' clothes, just do it. People aren't going to think much of it.


I don't want to apply to grad schools, or fall in love, and I definitely don't want to have to come out all over again, this time as transgender.

I'd say don't be afraid of applying to grad school. Getting a good degree opens up opportunities for you in the future, especially if you need funds to transition.

Don't be afraid of transitioning at school, either---at least you're not transitioning at work! When you're at school, you don't have responsibilities the way paid employees do so it's much easier.

[Felix]

I know what ya mean but I made a conscious decision just recently to wear what I feel comfortable in even at work and it's made such a difference to my confidence. I agree with CaptLex it might help if you talk to someone neutral who can help you go through stuff little by little so it doesn't all get too much!! Good luck hun and take care xx

[Julie York]

Your symptoms of fearing crowds and feeling emotionally overloaded are not directly related to being Cd or Tg or whatever, in itself. It's a general symptom that is making dealing with these other things more difficult than it would be anyway. And dealing with them is hard enough.

Stress overload is a horrible thing that shows itself in many strange ways, from not being able to swallow to feeling faint in a queue. And as such, sorry, but solving the Cd thing won't make it all go away overnight as that is just one of the things that is stressing you...not the ONLy thing.

I wish you luck.


.

[Lisa Golightly]

I just looked at your profile and spotted that you're twenty one. To be honest between 18 and 23 I was all over the shop... It's one of those times I guess... Wondering just what the hell life is all about now you're expected to commit to something. Guess that's why I ended up doing post grad study as it mean't I could avoid making the decision...

As for crowds... well I was just plain weird ;) so they kind of avoided me, which I must admit I was rather happy about. Gothic music, too much eyeliner, and vodka were my staples and building barriers was my gift.

It passes... trust me... and when it does life is all the more enjoyable because, unlike 99% of the population, you know exactly who and what you are... And with that comes an unshakeable confidence.

Keep the faith.

Lisa x

[Maureen Henley]

Speaking as a non-expert, your post says two things to me - Depression and/or Social Anxiety Disorder. Your description of crowd phobia points to the latter, and your inertia about trying anything is a classic symptom of depression. See a medical and/or mental health professional. I don't know how you feel about Rx drugs, but anti-depressants have helped me enormously over the past ten years. Good luck.

[bi_weird]

Hey guys,
I wish I could say I took a weekend sabbitical and now things make more sense...*laughs* but no, my birthday party kinda ****ed things up for a while. My two best friends were dating...until he got too drunk and groped another girl...and now we have no idea what's going to happen. The three of us are like the three muskateers, so I feel rather lost right now. Hoping things get fixed soon, but right now I'm just avoiding doing more thinking than I have to.
Thanks for all the support, both here and the PMs. It's good to know I can rant to you guys. Just as soon as I get things put back together enough again to look into my gender more, expect to hear more rambles from me. Until then, I'll just carry you around with me like an invisible circle of friends.