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Kite
12-23-2004, 10:49 PM
Hehe, just kidding...

Well, I have never discussed or analyzed any of my issues regarding the things I am about to talk about with anyone before, so I am going to tell my story, and maybe get some ideas or feedback as to what my life has been, and maybe help me come to terms with things I never even thought about. I am going to be brutally honest about everything, and hopefully include enough details that maybe you can help me understand myself a little better. Excuse me if I ramble

I guess I will start off with a little information about me. I am a married 23 year old male. I will be married 2 years in March to a beautiful wife who has two adorable children. My story sounds begins like everyone else’s story, I suppose. I have very early memories (when I was two or maybe a little older) of playing with dolls with some neighborhood girls. The next earliest memory I have was at the age of five. I was in my Kindergarten class, and the teacher was reading a story to us, like she did every day. But this particular story struck a chord with me. It was about this little Chinese boy who loved to fly kites (hehe hence my username; it was the only thing I could think of for a username that I don't really associate myself publicly with; there I go rambling again) ANYWAYS the kid who loved to fly kites went through his whole life flying kites all over the place, having these great adventures, and then he gets old and dies. Up to this point, the story wasn't very interesting to me, as I could care less about this Chinese kid and his love for kites, however, the ending of it is what struck my attention. He's dead, and he's talking to a god, and the god says something to the effect of "You lived a very enjoyable life, now you have a choice: You can be reincarnated as a boy again, or I can reincarnate you as a girl." The little boy said he would love to come back to life as a girl, and his wish was granted and he restarted life again as a girl. I had never thought of it that way, but it seemed like that kid had found a solution for a problem I didn't know I had. The next Halloween my two year old brother had this little Oscar the grouch costume, and the costume was sort of like a dress, you know, because it was a trashcan, however I remember putting it on (I was six at the time, so it was pretty small on me) and pretending that it was a dress. It was pretty harmless at the time, and I remember thinking that my parents would only see it as playing around, but in my mind I was picturing it as a dress. I remember praying to god at night that I would fall asleep and wake up as a girl. Sometimes I would wrap myself in a blanket before I went to sleep, thinking somehow that it would act as some sort of cocoon. I'm thinking that about the fourth or fifth grade is when I started venturing into my moms panty drawer. I would sneak them into the bathroom while she was in the kitchen, and try them on in front of the mirror. I thought I looked great in them. Her bras were quite big, so I never tried those on until later. I got brave and I started sleeping in a pair of her panties, and one of her long silk nightgowns that smelt, and felt really nice. It just felt right. It was easier to go to sleep knowing that I felt right. One night I had a close call, because, unknown to me, I had a sleepwalking habit. I have this awful memory of waking up in my bed, in panties, albeit covered up, and my mother walking in to see what the problem was. I thought I was safe, since I was covered up, but to my horror, I had taken off the nighty before I got into my bed, and there it was on the floor. My mom asked me what it was doing there, and I said I didn't know how it got there. She looked at me very strange and turned off the light and walked away. My life significantly changed from this point on. I was starting to hit puberty, and I hated it. I became increasingly jealous of girls at my school, and I would wish that I was also growing breasts, and that I could show off my bra strap by letting the top of my shirt go over my shoulders a little bit. I would wear panties to school often. I didn't know why I had this affliction. It didn't really solve all of my problems, and I hated having to hide this from my mom. I would wear panties to school sometimes, if I had slept in them the night before. I think the worst part of puberty came when I accidentally learned to masturbate. I really won't go into details or anything with that, but the first time was a very surprising experience and I didn't even mean to do it. I didn't even know what I did really to make it happen. I tried to recreate what happened, but I don't think I figured out what it was that I did, but once I figured it out, I couldn't stop. Eventually I figured out that I must be doing what people do when they have sex. When I did it, I wouldn't think about anything but being a girl. I would feel extremely feminine and dirty at times, sometimes I would write dirty words on the window in the frost, and wipe it out when I was through. Everything started to hit the fan once my mother started noticing stains on some of her clothes. I am sure it perplexed her for a while, but then one day I came home, and all of my clothes were in garbage bags in the front yard. I asked her what was going on, and she said you tell me. And then she asked me if I was gay, and I said no. She asked me if I like to feel pretty, and of course I balked at such an idea. She showed me how she found some of her dresses, panties and night gowns, that I hid inside of the piano in my room. I sweared that I didn't know how they got there, but she didn't believe, and knew what was going on. I never admitted to it. After this time, she made a habit every night of coming in and having me lift up my blanket to insure that I was wearing boys underwear, and not girls underwear. I would always wait until after this inspection before I would put them on again. Even though my mother told me she would kick me out if she found I was wearing her clothes, I still did it. I couldn't stop. I had to get better with hiding the one or two pairs of panties that I was able to effectively hide. Still, somehow, a year or so later, my mom found a pair of her panties in my room, and when I came home from school, they were hanging by a hanger from the ceiling fan, for everyone to see. I knew that I had them in my room, but I took them down and took them to her and told her that they must've got into my room by mistake, maybe the babysitter brought them in their with my laundry, or something, I SWEAR I WASN'T WEARING THEM. She said she didn't find them in the laundry, she found them in her drawer, where I had replaced them, and they had one of my stains on them. I though I had been careful about that, but I guess not. Eventually, she forced me and my brother to share a room so that I would not have a chance to wear her clothes and pretend to be a girl. This moved all dressing up to the bathroom. It was cool in here though, because I had access to mom's lipstick, and I thought it looked pretty cute on me. Middle school happened, was a horrible time, much like it was for most people. I still pretended to be a girl underneath my clothing though. I even had a few girlfriends. I was still attracted to girls, more so than boys at the time, which was even more confusing to me, because I wanted to be a girl so bad. As time went by, middle school was coming to a close, and I simply couldn't take any more emotional abuse at school, so I decided to stop being so passive, without being an asshole, become a more assertive person. For a while, I was able to keep these urges down. Maybe it was the sudden burst of testosterone in my body from puberty, I don't know. I was really relieved that I didn't have these urges. I think all the way from eighth grade until the following year, I didn't even so much as put on pair of panties. In the ninth grade I went on a trip to North Carolina. We left on Halloween, so some of the other students were dressed up. There was this one guy, named Al, and was dressed up as a girl for Halloween. Not like a ****ty girl or anything, but a nice long flowing dress, a tasteful wig, and makeup. This brought back a lot of memories. I met him over the course of the trip, not really one on one or anything, but with groups of people. He was gay, and for the first time in my life, I had a crush on a boy. I was jealous of the fact that he could be openly feminine and not care. I also thought he was cute. I thought he looked great as a girl, but I thought he looked even cuter as a boy. There was no way that I could be gay, though. I accepted in my mind that I was attracted to boys, but doing it openly was out of the question. Eventually, still in the tenth grade though, I feel in love with a girl named Marie. We became madly in love, spending all waking hours either together, or on the phone. She was a Christian girl, but she wasn't overly preachy or anything. Our relationship had a bad spots, some very bad, where we just weren't getting along. Over time, some how, she discovered that she was bi-sexual. This didn't matter that much at all to me, as I had feelings within myself I wanted to release. She cheated on me a few times, with other girls. She would always cry, and call me, and tell me about it, and I would get extremely angry, and cuss. This happened a few times. I loved her very much, and I began to hark back on my memories of wanting to be a girl. If I had been born a girl, I would still be attracted to Marie, and she would be attracted to me. It all came back, full force. In a round about way I told her that I wanted to be a girl, and this helped things a miniscule amount. I started to act a little feminine again, and even talked with a horrible fake lisp sometimes. Marie was often out promoting her bi-sexuality to the world. One day she called me, and was really upset. She said that I was becoming too fruity, and she wants to have a relationship with a boy, not a girl. This confused me immensely, since she had helped me to dress up a few times, complete with her panties, a dress and makeup. It was sort of a wake up call of sorts to me, I guess. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be a man. I wanted to be a girl, but I wasn't born a girl, and the easiest solution to that, to me, was to try and be a man. So I tried my hardest to be a man. I had plenty of testosterone in me at the time, so it wasn't hard. I think I correctly associated being manly with being horny for sex non-stop, sot that's what I did. Not that I succeeded, I had no interest in anyone but Marie, and she was clinging onto her virginity for dear life. Sometimes I was able to do "non-sex" related intimate things with her, but never got to go all the way. In fact, it completely overwhelmed here. She was more attracted to girls sexually than anything, but was in love with me. I am sure I made her very uncomfortable with my advances, but I thought I was doing what she wanted. Let me clarify that I never did anything she didn't want me to. She never felt comfortable with me in those settings, and when it got to where I would rush to her house during my breaks from the burger pit at Burger King for a chance to finger her, it was disgusting, I was disgusting, but she tolerated me for a little while, but eventually she had a talk with me about my behavior. Marie and I broke it off around this time, it was summer, I had failed the ninth grade before, and had to go to summer school after tenth grade, to help make up from my screw ups from the year before. It seemed like a horrible experience at first, but to my surprise, I shared one of my four hour classes with Al! And even better, the teacher was cool as hell, and didn't require me and Al to come to class, at all. So, me and Al became friends, and we would go to the Waffle House instead of class, and eat breakfast and talk about things. I told him that I was bi-sexual, but he seemed suspicious about that. I guess he had reason, as I didn't seem very confident it, or gay. I still had a crush on him though. The summer ended, never saw Alex again, and went back to regular school. Marie and I hooked back up, and we got back into a more 'emotional' type relationship. Then, a horrible thing happened. Maries mother found out about her lesbian experiences, and showed up on my doorstep to tell my mother about it. Of course, my parents immediate reaction was that Marie and I were only together to hide our homosexuality. I was gay, she was a lesbian, and we dated each other for two years to hide. This was ridiculous, even to me but this time my mom was absolutely convinced I was gay, and there was no chance of acceptance from her, or my father. I didn't think I was gay, but whatever. They said that if I was gay, I was to pack my bags and move out. With no where to go, I insisted I wasn't gay, and broke off my relationship with Marie, sorta. Spring of 1998 hit, and I was insistent on not being a girl, or gay. I somehow, with the assistance of LSD, Acid, pot and Robotussin made myself forget for a while my urges. I had a girlfriend at the time, I lot my virginity to her, and was in love. She left at the end of the summer, and I had several more girlfriends. I was even able to take relief in my mind that I no longer had urges to be a girl. How free it was. I made it through the 12th grade without dressing at all. I met Stephanie, my current wife though a mutual friend. I was 18 at the time, and she was 28. We went on a few dates though, and became really close. My mother and I were fighting a lot, over school, and she didn't really like my 28 year old girlfriend. My mom had me when she was 15, and was only about 5 or so years older than Stephanie. I finally got tired of the fighting, dropped out of school, and moved out. Lived with friends for a few years, while still dating Stephanie. Over time, my urges slowly started to come back, and I found myself trying on Stephanie’s clothes in her bathroom when I would go to visit her. Just as before, I wanted to wear female clothes all of the time. I stated to want to be female again. My mother passed away in April of 2002. It was a really hard time for me. Even though things were bad at the time when I moved out, my mother and I eventually reconciled and became close. We even worked at the same office for a short time. Her death was unexpected, and even to this day I am shocked and sad. Stephanie and I married in March of 2003. While living with Stephanie I have had unlimited access to pretty dresses, underwear, makeup, everything. And, like I was as a pubescent teenager, always dressing up when she is away, and wearing panties and bras under my clothes almost everyday. The older I got, the more I found that if I masturbate, the urges to 'dress' go away, but I still feel feminine afterwards. It seems to be getting worse, as I find more ways to try and feel more girly under my clothes. Even to this day, when I masturbate, I picture myself as a girl being handled by a man. I still feel like a freak, and still long to be a normal man. I have always longed for a sex change, but I always weigh the emotional issues I would have with my family. I also am 6'3" with really broad shoulders, and an Adams apple the size of an apple.

I keep wanting to type more, because I have never spoke about this with anyone, and it feels kind of relieving. I am just going to leave it at this. I am not even going to go back over it, for fear that I might add more, and I have already said too much. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Please tell me your thoughts, because even after all these years, I am still very confused.

:)

racquel
12-24-2004, 05:01 AM
Wow that's a long intro.welcome to this forum.As i was reading your post I was reliving my own youth to a large extent.
In my humble opinion the signs I read into the post is one of a crossdresser.as you will get to know, on this forum there are both tv's and ts's here that will share their experiences with you if asked politely.relax, read some previous posts and feel at home.
Some of us have understanding s/o's(significent others) and some have lost relationships due to the problems caused by the gender issue.Take your time to talk and especially listen.All will be well.
p.s.Merry Christmas.

DonnaT
12-24-2004, 10:19 PM
Racqeal

Quite a story.

You sound as though you may be more TS than CD or TV, but only you can answer that, and probably only after consulting a gender therapist. Note that not all TSs choose gender reassignment surgery.

You also appear to be bi-sexual. There is nothing wrong with that, and if you are conflicted about that, don't be.

Does your wife know of your desire to be a woman, or to crossdress and your bisexuality?

I am an advocate of informing ones wife of ones desires if maintaining the secret starts to become a problem with the relationship and eats at the marriage.

Kite
12-26-2004, 11:53 AM
Like a lot of us, I didn't really know that there were other people like me until I decided to see if there was information on the Internet. I would say that I first started looking into other cases about two or three years ago. I was really surprised that how many other people have felt this way their whole life. It is really a blessing that this information is out there, because I am sure many of the older girls had to go through most of there life thinking that they were the only one.

I personally feel that I am TS. I like to dress up, but no more than any biological girl does. I personally feel that surgery would not be the right step for me. I don't have the monetary or emotional capabilities to ever go through the transition. I fear "starting over". I fear losing my family and friends. I fear the depression, and the fact that surgery isn't really a fix-it-all solution. My ideal solution would be a way to make myself completely male, but as I understand, that is impossible.

Sierra
01-24-2005, 09:11 PM
Hi Kite, You are allmost home and we are happy to know Ya!I have never read such a moving experience,I've been on hrt for 5 + years now live hetro[formerly BI] married with kids and can relate so well I feel like I know you.It is amazing how vividly you recall things [maybe to many drugs for me in the past]I still struggle with my gender ID, but love my wife and kids too much to throw that away to be a full time TS,so here we are going though life a bit confused yet its not such a bad thing [me thinks] :) I wish I could help,we each must find our way to happiness.Let us know how its going we care!