When did you decide and how ?

[StephaniejaneSmith]

Hi girls i was just wondering when you decided to change sex and how ?

Im asking this as i am wondering if this is the path i am on but dont know it yet ?

Many thanks

Stephanie

[CaptLex]

Hi girls
. . . and boys, please . . .


i was just wondering when you decided to change sex and how? Im asking this as i am wondering if this is the path i am on but dont know it yet?
Hi Stephanie,

I decided I had to go over to "the dark side" when I realized I could no longer stand to look in the mirror and see somebody who isn't me. Also, when I realized that crossdressing was not enough since it became my normal mode of dressing and I could not go back to what I had been wearing before. I'm not saying this is the definitive answer for everyone, but that's what did it for me. I'm sure others have had other moments of truth. :happy:

P.S. Cute avatar - is that you?

[StephaniejaneSmith]

Thanks yes its me but not the best picture, i will have to sort out a better one

Stephanie x

[Jeanette TS]

HI Stephanie well it was a long think and a very hard to decided but i had to as Captlex said.

I realized I could no longer stand to look in the mirror and see somebody who isn't me.

It was things that i so in my self that i didn't like mind you i never liked my look as a man i was never good looking not in my eyes. so it was sit down and chat to the wife about my feelings and we both said these words,

BE TRUE TO YOUR SELF.
The words worked for me mind you its still very hard life to lead and i am doing and loving it.

Take care Jeanette

[Caitlintgsd]

Probably about the time I started to cringe when somebody would say "sir". I really hate being male.

[Marla S]

Well, maybe a view from the other side, though I don't even know if I ever would have qualified as TS.

Similar to CeptLex's statement,

... when I realized I could no longer stand to look in the mirror and see somebody who isn't me.I had problems to see myself in the mirror when in male mode (it is astonishing how one is able not to look into a mirror standing face to face with it).
This made me think if transitioning or at least hormones would be an option (probably most CDs do sometime).
Trying to imagine how the woman would look and feel like with my non-modifiable body features I came to the conclusion that I would have problems with this image too. ("Not worth the effort")
Hence I eliminated that thought, accompanied by attempts to pass as or emulate a woman.
Don't know what the future will bring, but right know I evolved a bit "back" to an effeminate male identity, which I enjoy to see in the mirror, keeps me a bit in place and rooted in the binary system of genders, and nevertheless allows me to express myself.

[~Dee~]

well im going to be the rebel and not agree with Captlex :p
or at least not on the mirror part.

for me, it wasnt anything that i saw in the mirror .. sure it bugged me, but i simply avoided the mirror for the most part ..
problem solved ... but for me it was actually a feeling ..

the way i try to describe it, it was like being trapped inside a cage... but wanting to run.
where all your muscles are twitching, but you arent moving anywhere ..

when i snapped, i just had to let it all out because it was so painful to not ..
i told Kitty everything and just kept rambling on and on for a while ..
i think i said "i cant live like this" about a hundred times ..and thats basically about it.
i couldnt take one more moment of feeling like i had to hide and feel trapped, guilty and ashamed. i wanted the freedom.

you might not understand this post .... but at least Kitty did. :happy:

[AmberTG]

I guess I would have to say that I've been drifting in that direction for many years. I've wished I was a girl all of my adult life and my late teen years, but I just didn't have the information to know what to do about it, plus I've always tried to preserve my marrage relationship in the past, but the older I get, the more I want to transition. I've never liked looking at myself in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw. I seriously doubt that I'd ever have the money for SRS, so I'll probably be a non-op transgender, but that's ok with me.

[Nyx]

I hate living as a male. It's as simple as that. There is the way I look. But the most poignant is the way I feel in a man's body. It feels very uncomfortable... Every aspect of it. And then, there is being treated as a guy. I hate having to be treated that way, and having to try to fit into the role to save the appearances.

People see me as a guy. I have to dress in male clothing, to act masculine in every possible way. I'd like to see love as an equal partnership, but females expect me to court them, do all the work. And then I'm supposed to endure the hard things in life with courage, and show strength at every single moment... But what do I get in return? I still feel like I'm acting a very uncomfortable role...

Basically, all these things I do to maintain appearances, I don't do them for me. I do it for other people. I do it to keep the tiniest amount of respect from all these people I meet everyday. I do it so they can feel I am a "normal" person and treat me like they treat "normal" people. Yet I don't feel at peace. The amount of discomfort grows as time passes. I can't stand it anymore. This is why I have to transition... Because being happy as a woman is better than being depressed as a man.

For years and years, since I was a child, I would fantasize everyday that I was a girl. It was my "escape". I would imagine I lived an imaginary life where I was a girl. I wanted to be a girl since the earliest time I can remember. I don't know why, I can't explain it rationally... I just felt that would have been better for me. I secretly held the desire that I would grow up to become a woman. In my dreams this was an easy process, but real life is never that easy.

I wish I would have realized sooner that this was the choice I had to make. It would have allowed me to transition much earlier. Perhaps even to transition before adulthood. Right now, I feel like I have some catching up to do. I haven't had a proper childhood or teenage life. I never really got to enjoy my life as much as I would have wanted. All this time, I was living the life this society had devised for me. A live in which I had no real place, but that which was assigned to me.

What kept me from transitioning earlier in life is the idea that it was difficult. If we somehow had some technology to instantly turn males into females, I would have transitioned at age 5. But of course, in the real world, it's expensive, time-consuming, and requires a large amount of courage. However, I have reached a point where all the "pain" the transition could cause me seems insignificant in comparison to living my life as a guy...

Let's analyse this rationally... For the past 10 years, I've been feeling increasingly stressed. Sometimes so much I get sick. I've never had a lover, never had sex, never even kissed anyone. Oh yes, I'm doing great academically, but how many people can I say are true friends of mine? I know of one only. She's also transsexual, and that's precisely why we understand each other.

If I kept living as a guy, I would be setting myself up for a life of pain. A life where I have no friends, no love, where I'm basically isolated... And where nobody can understand this issue of mine. A life without enjoyment, where all the torments the outside world can offer me cannot compare to the ones I feel inside.

How do I envision my life as a girl? It's scary, because I have no idea. I don't know if I'll end up with a guy or a girl as a lover. I don't know what kind of job or family I will have. I don't know who my friends will be. I don't really know what I will look like after transition. But I do know that in that life, I'm not doomed. I stand a chance at actually being myself, and being happy.

This is why I'm transitioning.

[JenniferMint]

Oh yes, I'm doing great academically

I think you're better off than the cisgendered high school dropouts. :)

[CharlaineCadence]

For me it was after I lost my first wife Or maybe during our marrage I'm not 100% shure any more. But it was around that time that I really just could no longer deal with the inner feelings of being female and being in a mans body. I married again to a woman I though would help me change my mind heck I forgot all about it for a while. then the feeling came back harder, stronger. The depression was to great so after talking to a p.doc I secretly started hrt. then 6 months into hrt I stoped and went off for two years to fight in iraq. After I came home The feeling wher even stronger and them my secound wife passed away. one year later I started hrt without a docters help and then finaly begam to get the help I needed. since then I have been doing the best I can to survive. things are admitedly hard right not but I have lost alot and gain much much more.

[Teresa Amina]

i am wondering if this is the path i am on but dont know it yet ?

I keep wondering the same thing. I dance along the edge, sliding ever closer to changing my self-definition here from TG to TS. The wanting to Be can be intense, those moments of what I've come to call "trans longing" more gut wrenching. But as it fuels my self-reflection I guard against self-deception. Coming here opens my eyes and heart yet the danger is to adopt the path of others instead of finding ones' own.

[Ms. Donna]

I understand your post, Dee. :)

Hi Stephanie,

I never decided to change my sex. I was born male and that’s what by body is. Now my gender… Ahh… That’s an altogether different matter.

December 1997, all my ‘gender issues’ came to a head and, not unlike Dee, the result thereof was that I could no longer live as I have been. For so long I had been trying to live as a ‘man’ – despite the fact that much of my wardrobe contained women’s clothing, that I had always had a discomfort as a ‘man’. I had spent too long trying to convince myself I was something I wasn’t.

My 2000, I had moved past the gendered identities ‘man’ and ‘woman’ and set up camp somewhere just west of the ‘gender continuum’ identifying as Genderqueer: having no specific gendered identity. It’s a queer place with a bunch queer people, but we all have blast letting the Cisgender play “WTF was that?” when we walk by. :)

But seriously, Stephanie – no one can tell you who you are or should be other than you: not me, not your friends, not your parents – not anyone. While it’s useful to hear the stories of others and ask for guidance, keep in mind that your path through this is your own and what others have (or haven’t) done isn’t necessarily the right path for you.

One thing I think you will find is than none of us ‘decided’ any of this. It is more like we grew into it: some more easily than others. It is a process never really stops - as we continue to learn more about ourselves, we continue grow and change. Our path is never a fixed one and destination never the same from day to day.


But for me, I see the journey itself as the destination.


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Stephanie

You have to figure out who you are before you can figure out what you want. I always suggest counseling, not because they have the answers, but because it gets you to talking so you can come up with the answers yourself. There are many steps along the way, and you can stop and pitch your tent at any one of them and be happy.

It's a difficult thing to figure out, and it can take some time. I'm almost 54 now and just now getting it. I'm non-op, at least for now, but I've just started considering going all the way with SRS...so take your time, no need to rush, your life will still be there.

Karen

[Agles]

well im still kinda new to the idea. though i have always wanted to be female and do those oh so cure things they do. :heehee:
well for me as i said im new most of my story can be found right here.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40188
i have always felt diffrent, did not like doing things that guys where expected to do. it just seemed wrong to go out and do all this phisical stuff. why should i half to do any of it. alot of what i feel has already been said form dating to feeling caged up. why why why. all my life i have always asked why. never did anything to how i felt. it was aways why must i do this why must i do that. not do i feel it right or wrong. most of the time i kept things bottled up inside, take it like a man, do what needs done and all that. play the hand you've been dealt. well this is kind of a good hand i have. i have it better then some. but there was no feeling no emotion in my life. it was like being a robot. doing as i was told.
honestly can i take how i am now, yes. will i for ever, no.
now that i have started to really let my emotions out. i feel less and less of a man. i want to be loved and to love.
my mother says im just sensitive. if that is so. then why have i been crossdressing sense i was 7. why do i feel then need to be female. well this is my answer. i can stop asking myself why. and now look at how.

for me i feel this is not what your really asking. but for the Ws of the last days as the origanl sex. for this i have no answer because i am still living as a man. i feel i could not even with all the makeup, wigs, breast forms in the world pass. it's my looks that i feel are wrong there. i work at a on a headset alot. ive been called ma'am many times. so my voice is close but i feel still needs work.
i plan on starting hormones and living as i am aslong is it takes to get things ready and just let it happen. people say be your self. so that's what i am doing now. just half to hold back here and there still. one day i will beleave i will find myself working to look and act enuff male that i will no longer pass as male. when that starts to be.
as it sit there is very little of my male life left online. and i now ask myself if im treated as a female and like will doing this, acting as myself. i got to be doing something right.

one thing i am going to say is i really feel what Nyx is saying here



Let's analyse this rationally... For the past 10 years, I've been feeling increasingly stressed. Sometimes so much I get sick. I've never had a lover, never had sex, never even kissed anyone. Oh yes, I'm doing great academically, but how many people can I say are true friends of mine? I know of one only. She's also transsexual, and that's precisely why we understand each other.

If I kept living as a guy, I would be setting myself up for a life of pain. A life where I have no friends, no love, where I'm basically isolated... And where nobody can understand this issue of mine. A life without enjoyment, where all the torments the outside world can offer me cannot compare to the ones I feel inside.

How do I envision my life as a girl? It's scary, because I have no idea. I don't know if I'll end up with a guy or a girl as a lover. I don't know what kind of job or family I will have. I don't know who my friends will be. I don't really know what I will look like after transition. But I do know that in that life, I'm not doomed. I stand a chance at actually being myself, and being happy.

This is why I'm transitioning.

you dont know. it's not a strait line, not do this do that done. you dont know know how your going to look. i have seen TS that look like less then normal people and are so easy to point out you ask your self are they trying to pass? and i have seen ones that would make most GGs look bad. in the end it's every scary. in a way i dont know who to go to and who to trust. so i just live.
theripy is key, getting to know your self is key, think long and hard about what your about to do. not only what your saying to your self. but stop and think of those around you. is this really what you want. i have been doing this for the last 3 months and still do not have much of an answer. so i sit gathering info. learning as much as i can. hopefully i can get myself to a therapist by the end of this month. then maybe i can find myself closer to my true answer. this is not like some club you can join and leave when ever, it's you.



Love and hugs :hugs:
Jamie

[Kimberley]

Hi Stephanie,
Transition is not necessarily a must. It does depend on the individual, their needs and limitations both self imposed and from without.
In 1990 I hit the wall and went half out of my mind. I went into counselling and over time came to the realization that to transition would mean giving up everything I held dear so I made the very uncomfortable highly stressful decision to not transition. Was it right? Hard to say. I kept my family so in that regard it was but I also am paying a high price mentally.
I have been able to find like minded people here that have been a phenomenal support to me and I hope that it will continue for many years.
So being biologically male but gendered female makes for an interesting life although a stressful one as I said. If the playing field were levelled tomorrow there would be no doubt about my pursuit of SRS. Realistically that isnt going to happen so the status quo remains.
I have a good pdoc and good contacts and friends here. They all add up to make it bearable.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[secrets]

sorry, I am new to this, I just wondered, if you had the op and become a girl, would you want to have a relationship with a man or would you still fancy women?
On the one hand you may be happy with yourself, but you also need to find a partner to be happy with surely?

[Kimberley]

Hi Secrets and Welcome
This is the single most misunderstood questions in all of this. Sexual preference and gender are two distinctly different issues. There is no predicition of where preference will lead. Some TS go on to prefer the opposite sex (their natural sex) because of gender while others will remain as before.

I would suggest a trip to Ms. Donna's website as an excellent starting place to get educated.

Hope this is of some help.

Kimberley

[leahgurl]

Well, I never really decided that I was going to. I just know it is something I have to do.

Right now I am working on prioritizing what I need to do like:
coming out, councilling or therapy, lasor/electrolosis, voice, hormones

so I need to stop spending my money on clothes!!! Once this girl was unleashed there was no stopping her! :heehee:

[Wendy-Anne]

Way to go Dee! Good onya Kitty!
After a lifetime of longing, regrets and what-ifs-coodabeens I have settled for who I am. With the love, support and acceptance of my gg partner,Bindi.
I can't be Wendy 24/7. The better part of a lifetime of "trial by testosterone" has ruined any chance of outward passable appearance or transition. Yet I am blessed with a lover who I trust with all my heart and sees me for who I truly believe I am and loves me for the qualities it brings.
Life is good. Be true to yourself. Remember that "we only pass this way but once" . That's the shitty part. Time moves inexorably forward. There is never any going back. That's the exquisite agony. Do it now or live your life wondering?
Oh !
Love Wendy

[StephaniejaneSmith]

sorry, I am new to this, I just wondered, if you had the op and become a girl, would you want to have a relationship with a man or would you still fancy women?
On the one hand you may be happy with yourself, but you also need to find a partner to be happy with surely?

Thanks everyone for your help, just to answer i would only want a relationship with a girl, and if there was a way of changing just like that i would have done it years ago, i think that whats has held me back all this time is that i dont think i would look good and would not pass and that i would be even more unhappy as a girl that looked like a man than a girl stuck in a mans body at least i pass to other people at the mo

Thanks Stephanie

[secrets]

Stephanie, you look more feminine than I could ever hope to be, you will do well for yourself I am sure.


Secrets xxx

[cindianna_jones]

What I saw in the mirror held me back from making the change for many years. I just couldn't see a feminine face there at all. And when I dressed up, I felt that I looked absolutely ridiculous.

But finally, I couldn't live with myself anymore. So, I walked the walk. And I wish that I had done it sooner! But I did get a few fun youth years in as a female and that was absolutely wonderful.

Do I like guys? I like my husband.... very much so. I look at women; I suppose like any other woman looks at women.

Cindi

[pattyme]

Everyone has given a bit of my story so I won't repeat it. But there was one moment that when I knew I wanted to change sex. I read a book by Robert Henlien in which he suddely woke up as a girl. After the first page when he woke up as a girl I knew with certainty that that was what I wanted. I burried that want and never expressed another since. Then my story played itself out and I have gone through the self hate, despaire, uncertainy and numbness and discovered my wants all over again. Knowing and wanting didn't make any difference until I made a decision to do something about it. That moment didn't mean much because it didn't lead to anything. For me the realy important moment was the moment I decided to take action. I called a therapist and started counceling that was the defining moment.

As for sexual preference, I will answer that when I am.

becomming Patty.