trying to stop

[Marie_Lansing]

Okay, I have just joined and introduced myself as a new member though I have admittedly lurked here for months if not a year or more. But now I find myself in need of some advice. Here is my story. I am forty four years old, separated, with a daughter in college. I have dressed for most of my life, but access to the internet in the past ten years has sent my dressing in all new directions. My wife never knew about my dressing, and I couldn't tell her because she is so sexually conservative that I know how she will react. Yes, I know many of you will say it is best to tell, but not knowing my situation I don't think you can say that with accuracy. Anyway, since I had found this forum a while back I have found the courage to go out dressed and have been out when I have the chance to dress which is frequently now that I have been separated. I have been shopping and even to dinner alone. It is absolutely the greatest feeling, whether I have passed completely or not.

About a year and a half ago I was in a chat room online and met a man who was interested in exploring his desire to meet a CD. I know that there are a lot of guys out there who aren't what they seem, but I was very careful. We emailed back and forth many times and he even told me his real name, sent me a copy of his drivers license, and gave me his phone number. I called him after checking that his name, number and address all matched. We chatted on the phone, me using my most femme voice, and after a couple of calls agreed to meet for coffee with me in drab. After I was totally comfortable with him I agreed to meet him dressed.

I got a motel room, dressed and awaited his arrival. Okay, I won't go into great detail with the rest of the story, but we have been seeing each other now for over a year, maybe once a month, sometimes twice. We go out to the movies, shop, dinner, and I feel so good with him. BUT after each time I feel extremely down to the point where I want to purge everything and stop meeting him and even to stop dressing. The stop dressing part is impossible I know but I seem to be addicted to him. He treats me so well and the sex is great. I am so confused I don't know what to do. Have I crossed some kind of line here, or can I still stop seeing him and return to the way I was? Right now after our date on Friday I have not emailed him or called him and I want to not contact him, but I know it won't last and I will give in and the desire to be with him will return.

I apologize for the length of this email, and for just becoming a member so I can get advice, but I feel so lost right now.

Thank you all for listenting.

[Sexy_kavya26]

People are joining here to get rid of purging often and change the way used to be and getting new friends if they loose by theier Gender identity issues with current friends .

But you joined here to get rid of CD . maybe you are overdose with sex with him and your feelings are against him . may be alone for some time may quell your issue rather than purging

[uknowhoo]

Well, I think joining here, and posting your question is a great first start. I hope you get some useful feedback from the forum.

Secondly, as Kavya mentioned, perhaps you need a lil space, and a lil time to sort out your feelings. Lastly, perhaps talking to a therapist who is non-judgemental and experienced with gender issues would be helpful in sorting through your conflicting feelings.

I wish you the best. Good luck. ;)

Tammi

[Butterfly Bill]

I can't figure out from this if you are still married. If you are, you should either stop or get a divorce. You can't go on seeing other people, especially men, and stay married.

No you can't go back to the way it was. Now you know you are at least bisexual if not really homo-. Now you know how restricted you have been. You are going to have to find a new place, either with or without her.

[Marie_Lansing]

I am separated from my wife and no longer living with her. I moved out of the house about eight months ago and we have an amicable relationship.

Bisexual? I guess there is not doubt about that. When I am not dressed I am attracted to women. It is only when I am dressed that I want to be with him. I don't find myself attracted to other men even when en femme, so it is strange, I know.

[Angie G]

Hi Marie I think if it is right for you then go for it who is to say it's wrong go with what you feel is right for you make yourself happpy.
And welcome to the forum :hugs:
Angie

[fionasboots]

I guess the whole 'addiction' to him could be that he is the first and only person who you have felt this with and the urge to explore this part of yourself is strong enough to build up and overcome the guilt you feel.

Space would be a good idea but you're probably stuck in a catch-22 where all your feelings are pushing you to feel good and enjoy these new experiences and then the guilt it making this worse.

If you can find a way to slow down - not stop, stopping will just make your feelings build up - that may help. Also if you could do other things as well, go out with friends (dressed maybe) and try and bring your life back to a some kind of normality instead of bursts of excitment.

It's easy to think of lines and boundaries but you need to try and just see everything as "you" and try and figure out what you want/feel a little more objectively.

This could be what you want/need/feel and there is nothing wrong with that. Just try and step back a bit and avoid extremes of passion and guilt.

[Sandra]

Maria if you are happy with the situation then carry on, just one thing you're either bisexual or not, dressing has nothing to do with it.

[Robin Leigh]

We go out to the movies, shop, dinner, and I feel so good with him. BUT after each time I feel extremely down to the point where I want to purge everything and stop meeting him and even to stop dressing. The stop dressing part is impossible I know but I seem to be addicted to him. He treats me so well and the sex is great. I am so confused I don't know what to do.

A lot of us here have been through times when we suffer depression after a dressing up session. It can be sad when the party's over, especially when one has restricted opportunuities to dress. But I get the feeling that this depression of yours runs a bit deeper than usual. Discussing it here may help, but I agree with oohTammi that it would be a good idea to discuss this with a therapist qualified in gender issues.


Have I crossed some kind of line here, or can I still stop seeing him and return to the way I was? Right now after our date on Friday I have not emailed him or called him and I want to not contact him, but I know it won't last and I will give in and the desire to be with him will return.

Whatever you decide, please don't hurt his feelings. Does he know that you're having problems with this relationship?

Robin

[Paula Thomas]

Tammi
:iagree:

I hope I did that right - first time trying to add a smilie.

[nicolecdgal]

Wow, I did the exact same thing...but mine was a one night stand. I felt so guilty from that experience, that on the way home I threw all of my stuff into a dumpster...we're talking everything I had. I felt so guilty for days after that too. But, the feelings don't go away...I cannot stop, and I really don't want to. I did think that experience ruined the sex life with my wife however. I now have to always picture myself being in bed with another man in order to be able to have sex with my wife. I didn't know that would happen, but what's done is done. I can't say I can give you advice to come clean with your wife about your desires, because I would find it hard to do myself. I've been thinking about going to counselling and talk to a "professional" about it first...maybe you should look into that as well...just be safe in the meantime!

[AmberTG]

I think you have a guilt issue here and that causes big bouts of depression. I also think that a therapist is a good idea, for the guilt and depression, not the actions. There is nothing wrong with what you and your friend are doing as long as it is a mutual interest and is not hurting anyone else. Being already seperated from your spouse helps, if you were still together, that would be a different story. You probably should get the divorce just to finish the process, but that's a different issue. I would say, work on your guilt issue, that's where the problem is. You might consider telling your friend that you have guilt issues and that it's not his fault so he can understand your relationship a little better.
BTW, purging won't do you any good, it wont change the way you feel inside, we've all tried that, it doesn't work.
Amber

[KarenXDR]

...sounds like guilt feeling to me. Reminds me of being a good little Catholic boy. After every JO I was deep in guilt.

For myself, I'm only bi when dressed - and only with fully-dressed cds. If a man pleases you, go for it. Who says we are immune to change.

Welcome...hope to hear from you often.

Lipstick kisses

Karen

[Annaliese]

I think the problem is that you are in conflict with your two lives, you say you are separated, do you want to get back with you wife or is that over. You need to make up you mind what live you want to have. Have you been happy most of your married live or have you been depressed for most of it wanting something else. You sound happy when you are with your boy friend, when you are not with him you are miserable , and feeling guilty.

You first need to make up your mind if you want to stay married, if not, do the right thing and get divorced so she can go on with her life, an you can go on with yours, then if you want to start up with your boy friend again then do so. But cool it with him until then but tell him why.

It sound like to me that you are a TS and have been living a lie all your live.

All any of us girl can do is give you our opinion on what information you have given us, and then it is up to you.

Anna

[Marie_Lansing]

Thank you everyone for your advice on my seemingly unique situation. It seems that the consensus is that I should see a therapist that is versed in gender issues, and I think this is what I will do if I can find one in my area. Many of you have said that you feel that because of how I feel about being with my "boyfriend", that I am therefore either gay or bi. I must reiterate that I am attracted to women the large percentage of my days when I am not dressed. And even when dressed if I see a man, I am not attracted to him, nor am I looking at them in a desirous way. But when I am with my friend it is different. So, I guess I do need to talk to someone professionally to sort out my feelings and where I am going in my life. Again, I thank everyone here for taking the time to give me advice and support. It truly is a great forum and you are all truly great friends. Thank you.

[randi_789]

Marie, I can't believe the feelings you have and how similar they are to some of the same ones I have had. My situation is a bit different. I, too, have a "boyfriend", but unlike you, I am married. My wife doesn't know about my dressing and I have no intention to tell her. After I am with Jim, which is only about six or seven times a year, I get withdrawn and have some feelings of guilt. They were stronger in the beginning but now they are still there, but I recover quicker. I have never purged, though the urge is there, and I also have the feeling that at times I wish I could just put it all behind me and move on without it in my life. But that is impossible. After a "date" I seem to go into a shell and he wonders what happened to me, until I can recover. It is strange I agree.

I know this isn't a reply with much advice in it. I just wanted to let you know that those feelings aren't unique to you even though our situations are different. Seeing a therapist may be the way to go with you. Living on your own must be hard in a way because you have all the time you want to dress and trying to take a break from it, or limit it a bit to give yourself a break might be near impossible. So, see someone, get yourself straightened out and find out where you are going. Then let us all know how you are doing.

[Julie York]

The clothing you are wearing doesn't make you bi-sexual. If you wore a blind fold and someone dressed you up...and you didn't know what you were wearing......where would your sexual orientation lie?

It just gives you 'permission' to act a certain way.

That's where your problem lies. Maybe you aren't actually Bi as such, but enjoy role playing and when the game is over you feel a bit sick about doing something against your normal nature or comfort zone.

[MsJanessa]

If you are separated and you are not going back to your (ex?) wife and you enjoy the dressing and the sex with this guy(and he's not married) then what dear girl is the problem? Relax and enjoy---and for heavens sake invite him to your place so he or you don't have to spring for a hotel room every date.

[Marie_Lansing]

Julie, your thoughts seem to resonate with truth. It is sort of a role playing for me when I am dressed, but a very intense role playing that goes to my personality. But still I think professional help an advice will be needed to get me past these feelings of guilt. It is easy to say, go for it, enjoy it, but to actually put the guilt out of my mind won't be easy so I need help. I will find someone and then let everyone here know my progress because you have all been so helpful.

[Scotty]

I can only assume you are going through a divorce?

I've been there and while people think they are OK you look back a year later and say "Wow, I was messed up", and then 5 years later you look back and say "Wow I was messed up"....

So maybe some time would help...