OMG...finally out to my SO!!!

[Teal]

Well, it finally happened. After 20 years together, my wife finally knows all about me. She caught me in the shower shaving my legs and freaked out. She finally calmed down and admitted she had suspicions over the years (it's tough to hide the little things). We talked for hours and hours and got it all out on the table. She's not into it, but understands where it comes from. She felt more hurt and lied to than anything else and I admitted I was wrong from keeping it from her all these years, but didn't have the courage to come forth. Things seemed okay for the rest of the afternoon (too okay) and then she broke down that evening and sobbed. She feels the "old me" is gone now and we have to figure out a way ahead. I'm not sure how everything will work out, but I think and pray we can get through it. If nothing else, it relieves a great pressure that was upon me. She is very supportive and believes I must be true to myself...period. She seems most concerned for my mental well being. Not sure how the dressing will fit in, but let her know my family comes first and I don't want to do anything to hurt that. I feel we have a long road ahead...I need to regain her trust and that won't be easy. Thanks to all on this forum for the support over the last several months!

[Sandra]

Well now it is out in the open take it steady with her. You are right about needing to gain her trust and that could take a long time. Get her some information about CDing and if she knows you visit here she could join herself and chat with other GGs.

[Di]

Well at least it is out now......it would have been better if you told her the truth,,,but at least it is out....glad she is supportive,,,,,,and work on regaining her trust.......keeping this from her for so long must have hurt her alot.....good luck.....if she wants someother gg's to talk to ...we are here for her.

[Teal]

Well at least it is out now......it would have been better if you told her the truth,,,but at least it is out....glad she is supportive,,,,,,and work on regaining her trust.......keeping this from her for so long must have hurt her alot.....good luck.....if she wants someother gg's to talk to ...we are here for her.

Yes, I'll have to find a way when the time is right to tell here about this great site. I think it would do her good to hear from others in the same situation. I want to take it slow. It's only been a day...I haven't even shown here my clothes that I have tucked away. I wonder if she'll ask...maybe she won't make me keep them hidden, but allow me to keep them in the closet or my dresser...that would be nice.

[Nigella]

Well, it finally happened. After 20 years together, my wife finally knows all about me. She caught me in the shower shaving my legs and freaked out. She finally calmed down and admitted she had suspicions over the years (it's tough to hide the little things). We talked for hours and hours and got it all out on the table. She's not into it, but understands where it comes from. She felt more hurt and lied to than anything else and I admitted I was wrong from keeping it from her all these years, but didn't have the courage to come forth. Things seemed okay for the rest of the afternoon (too okay) and then she broke down that evening and sobbed. She feels the "old me" is gone now and we have to figure out a way ahead. I'm not sure how everything will work out, but I think and pray we can get through it. If nothing else, it relieves a great pressure that was upon me. She is very supportive and believes I must be true to myself...period. She seems most concerned for my mental well being. Not sure how the dressing will fit in, but let her know my family comes first and I don't want to do anything to hurt that. I feel we have a long road ahead...I need to regain her trust and that won't be easy. Thanks to all on this forum for the support over the last several months!

Hopefully what you have learnt is not too late


Well now it is out in the open take it steady with her. You are right about needing to gain her trust and that could take a long time. Get her some information about CDing and if she knows you visit here she could join herself and chat with other GGs.

As Sandra has pointed out, allow time for the trust to be re-established


Well at least it is out now......it would have been better if you told her the truth,,,but at least it is out....glad she is supportive,,,,,,and work on regaining her trust.......keeping this from her for so long must have hurt her alot.....good luck.....if she wants someother gg's to talk to ...we are here for her.

Speaking from experience you may find out some more "home truths".

We all have fears, even those of us who are now confident in our chosen identity. The one person you must trust and believe in is your SO. I will only add Prove to her that you are the same person she has spent the last 20 years with, be prepared for some soul searching on both sides, but most of all be honest with each other, without that, the future could be bleak.

Good luck Teal

[Karen Donna]

My wife would not be very understanding I am afraid (very uptight)
I almost was caught recently . Thought she was gone shopping for couple of hours : I was relaxing in panties and bra,and short nightie when I heard the garage door open.I hurried into the bathroom and changed.Totally runied the mood. Karen Donna

[Tina Dixon]

You know I really think theres no good way to break the news, good luck to your future and hers.

[samantha#1]

Hi Teal, I hope everything pans out for you, no good thinking about the past; there is nothing you can do to change what has happened, time to look forward in your life. There is no stronger support for a married crossdresser than a supportive wife; take your time explain your feelings and desires and also listen very carefully to what your wife has to say on the matter; hear her heart.
Hugs to you
Samantha

[Teal]

Well, just when I thought things looked marginally okay it got real ugly. It seems when we first talked about it her impression was that I didn't actually ENGAGE in this sort of activity, but simply had "thoughts" about doing it. When I told her yes, that I do dress up and have stuff hidden in the garage and have been doing it for years and years, all hell broke loose. She thinks it's deviant, freaky and psycho behavior and will not tolerate it whatsoever. It was bad, bad, bad. We have a 10yo, so no divorce until he's out of the house, but separation seems inevitable. She wants me in therapy immediately to cure this behavior. She thinks it's simply an addiction, like any other, that can be treated with counseling and some 12-step program to recovery. She's outraged for putting her and our family "at risk" of my discovery and subsequent disgrace and embarrasment to them. She is utterly repulsed by the thought of me in heels and hose and can't bear the thought. Wow, I don't know where to turn or what to do. On the one hand I feel I should just give up on crossdressing to save my family and try to live a normal life. On the other, I can't imagine not doing it...I feel part of me would be ripped out and lost. She says I'm selfish and self-centered, only thinking about my own desires and that I could simply choose not to do it, like someone can choose not to drink, smoke, commit assault, whatever, if they try hard enough. I don't know, I just don't know anymore. Why does life have to be so freakin' hard???

[Robin Leigh]

You poor thing, Teal. :( :hugs: :hugs:


Well, just when I thought things looked marginally okay it got real ugly. It seems when we first talked about it her impression was that I didn't actually ENGAGE in this sort of activity, but simply had "thoughts" about doing it. When I told her yes, that I do dress up and have stuff hidden in the garage and have been doing it for years and years, all hell broke loose.

Hmmm. Was she really paying attention during your first discussion? I thought you said you "got it all out on the table"... I guess she just didn't want to accept it.


She thinks it's deviant, freaky and psycho behavior and will not tolerate it whatsoever. It was bad, bad, bad. We have a 10yo, so no divorce until he's out of the house, but separation seems inevitable.

Your wife probably doesn't find you sexually attractive at the moment, and she probably needs some space to deal with this. Does she have someone to talk to? If she gets the right support now, there is hope to save your marriage. I don't like your chances if she talks this over with someone else who's also repulsed by it all, but even then strange things can happen. Just ask fionaboots.

Your wife's probably got a mental image of you right now as something out of "Rocky Horror". Do you have a tasteful picture you could show her?


She wants me in therapy immediately to cure this behavior. She thinks it's simply an addiction, like any other, that can be treated with counseling and some 12-step program to recovery. She's outraged for putting her and our family "at risk" of my discovery and subsequent disgrace and embarrasment to them.

Half a century ago any gender or sexual variation was seen as a sickness. These days, transgenderism is seen to be within the normal spectrum of human behaviour. (Of course, being highly secretive can make us paranoid and obsessive/compulsive, but let's not digress). However, homophobia & transphobia are forms of mental illness. We're not sick, but people who find us repulsive are sick.

Agree to go to see a therapist, qualified in gender issues. With her.


She is utterly repulsed by the thought of me in heels and hose and can't bear the thought. Wow, I don't know where to turn or what to do. On the one hand I feel I should just give up on crossdressing to save my family and try to live a normal life. On the other, I can't imagine not doing it...I feel part of me would be ripped out and lost.

Your wife's aversion may be curable. But TG is not a disease & can't be cured. You can no more give up CDing than a musician could give up making music. Even if he were forced to stop playing, it would still be in his head.


She says I'm selfish and self-centered, only thinking about my own desires and that I could simply choose not to do it, like someone can choose not to drink, smoke, commit assault, whatever, if they try hard enough. I don't know, I just don't know anymore. Why does life have to be so freakin' hard???

Did your wife have a religious upbringing?

You may want to look at some of fionaboots threads from over the last couple of months. Her wife was very upset when she first found out about Fiona, but now things are turning out much better than they first looked.

Robin

[Paula Thomas]

Teal - My sympathies.

Since your wife mentioned your getting therapy, why not seek out a gender therapist and talk to him/her, and, hopefully get your wife into some joint sessions.

Of course, if the therapist tells (or suggests) to your wife that CDing is not "sick", it may just P.O. your wife.

At a minimum, the gender therapist may be able to help you learn to cope with/survive your wife's attitude (even though that may not be the result your wife intended).

[Tree GG]

Hang in there. Her waves of emotional turmoil will keep on coming until she can sort out and prioritize her feelings. She probably was OK at the 1st conversation, but as she thought about it more, questions popped up & she's apparently uncomfortable asking them. Education is definitely helpful.

Take her up on the counseling offer - as a couple. She may not get the advice she expects, though.

Remember you reached this point over a 20+ yr evolution, she's having to go from 0 (OK say 5) to 60 MPH now.

Best of luck to you!

[Melanie R]

Your wife needs a lot of education about crossdressing. It is not an addiction and there is no cure - but as I always sask "cure from what?" There are many couples who make it work. Ask her if she would be agreeable to going to a therapist who is knowledgable about crossdressing. If she refuses and expects that you are the one that needs therapy, than I would expect your marriage will continue to have problems. If you put this part of yourself aside to please her, you may well experience emotional problems in the future. Get a copy of the DVD on the show my wife and I completed for WE, The Secret Lives of Women Married to Crossdressers. You can send me a private massage on how to obtain the DVD. The answers are in this show for both of you.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

I am really puzzled about how some SOs get so upset about cross dressing. Mine is totally supportive and my CDing is an important part of our lives.

Sasha Anne

[Kimberly]

My thoughts are with you :hugs:

[tekla west]

Education is touted in here as the be all and end all to any problems. Tis not so. Learning more may not increase her liking of it, or her tolerance either. Could be just the opposite.

Consider this board. You could show her this site and say "See, most of them are pretty normal." However there is more than enough weird, fringe, kinky, and perverted stuff (by anyone's definition, we just all define it as different things) to convince her that her worst fears are spot on, that all the bad she imagined is even worse than she though at first.

I don't think cross dressing takes some huge explanation, excepting if you have some compelling story as to how or why. Or unless you are going to go into the entire GID stuff, which will send her packing. I think the idea of cross dressing is pretty up-front and simple. I think most people have a solid concept of what it would entail.

[julie w]

It might be a good thing that she had a cry , at least she is being open with you about her feelings . I would keep the cd ing low key for a while though .
She must have known something was going on most SO s would notice straight
away if you were shaveing you leg etc , I know mine does

[Nigella]

I am really puzzled about how some SOs get so upset about cross dressing. Mine is totally supportive and my CDing is an important part of our lives.
Sasha Anne

OK I have highlighted your post for two reasons, first of all, the part in red fits Sandra and I to a T, but TBH it was not always that way.

My :2c: for what its worth (substitute :2c: for tuppence worth) The part in purple, well TBH most get upset because they find out from anyone but their SOs, they catch their SO in the act as it were or it is just part of their upbringing.

BUT and yes its a big but, How would you really feel if your SO had not trusted you for a substantial part of your relationship. Most SOs find out late on in a relationship and it shatters all the trust that they thought they had with their partner, the upset about cross dressing is not about cross dressing more often than not, its the deceit, lies and lack of trust.

Teal

Sorry I cannot offer anymore than words of sympathy for your situation. Plenty of people here will give you advice on how to deal with this situation, but TBH, we are not there, we only get to hear your point of view, and only you and your SO can deal with this issue and find a solution that is suitable to both of you.

Good luck, and that is meant in all sincerity.

[jacquelinenord]

Well i waited for my SO to tell me and it was nice to know that she could finally tell me and i love her more each day because of the courage it took her. I give you alot of credit for telling your wife i just hope it will give each of u more trust for each other for the future.

[wifeofsissy GG]

It took me a while to warm up to it. I feel guilty cause it took me so long......so many waistful fights, arguments.......cause of my stubbornest.I tried for years to control him into what I wanted him to be and almost lost him because of it. I guess I thought I was loosing my "husband", when really I was gaining my bestest friend. It brought us closer than ever and the sex has never been better. It's our own little "secret" and we tease each other about it and no one else have a clue on what we're talking about and when I take him shopping, I always refer "his clothes" has mine so no one else knows. Do you think I need another bra? Would a short skirt or longer skirt be nice on me? etc... We have lots of fun. Just give her time and little by little when she realizes you are the same man she fell in love with and married, she will accept it.

[Teal]

It took me a while to warm up to it. I feel guilty cause it took me so long......so many waistful fights, arguments.......cause of my stubbornest.I tried for years to control him into what I wanted him to be and almost lost him because of it. I guess I thought I was loosing my "husband", when really I was gaining my bestest friend. It brought us closer than ever and the sex has never been better. It's our own little "secret" and we tease each other about it and no one else have a clue on what we're talking about and when I take him shopping, I always refer "his clothes" has mine so no one else knows. Do you think I need another bra? Would a short skirt or longer skirt be nice on me? etc... We have lots of fun. Just give her time and little by little when she realizes you are the same man she fell in love with and married, she will accept it.

Wow...thanks for the words of support. Unbelievable as it may seem, I woke up today and my wife was somehow....different. She seemed almost consoling, in a way...I didn't understand. She went to her class all day, I spoke to her on the phone at lunch, not much, just how's it going stuff. But, when I saw her this evening...wow, the most understanding and loving person I could expect! She was apologizing for what she said and how she reacted the night previous and saying how much she truly loves me. She does want me to seek therapy, mind you, but for my own sake...and I agree. I was abused as a child, by my parents, and I have many issues to resolve. Who knows, crossdressing may be a part of it all...a reaction, something, I don't know. Bottom line, while she's not into it all, she still loves me and wants to grow old with me...regardless...how amazing is that? She wants to be with me despite my shortcomings (if you will) and will work through it with me. Whoa, what an emotional roller coaster ride...and all in the last 48 hours. We're going away to the mountains this weekend. I'm sure there'll be more talk, which is good. When she told me she still loved me and started getting all affectionate, I just was so relieved and wanted to be with her so, so much. Strange as it may seem, this may somehow add a new dimension to our relationship....strengthen it (???) Life is funny. I'm not giving up, after all...there is always hope.

[KrazyKat]

Teal, the fact that you stated in your first post that you put family first says that this could be something the two of you can work out!!

It is a shock to her, from what you have posted, and without education, she may not be able to understand as much!!

Yes, if both of you are onboard with counseling, this could be a good start!!

Best wishes, and hoping you can help her to see you for who you've always been, but with different trappings and attitude!!

Kat