Telling my daughter

[linnea]

I've been troubled with the idea that if I die or have a calamitous accident that incapacitates me, my survivors or caregivers may discover my secret CD life. No one will have the knowledge to help them explain my hidden suitcase of women's clothes and the hangers of skirts and dresses that are hidden in a niche in the garage.
So I've been considering telling someone whom I can trust about my crossdressing.
I'm thinking about telling my daughter. She and I have had a close relationship throughout her life. She is quite open-minded, and I think that she's discreet and reliable to hold onto a secret. Now that she grown (about 30 yrs. old), I think that she can handle this. I would want her to keep the secret and when I die, I would want her to get rid of the evidence.
Has anyone else had this experience or have any advice for me.

[Sandygal]

I think if I died, my fem clothes wouldn't be something I need to worry about anymore. Except my taxes, the government would follow us to hell and back.

[KarenSusan]

I've been troubled with the idea that if I die or have a calamitous accident that incapacitates me, my survivors or caregivers may discover my secret CD life.


I have thought about this too. I'm not sure what to do. Procrastinate long enough, and the problem will be moot.

[Jodi]

Six years ago when I began to live by myself, I told my daughter for just that same reason. She has a don't ask, don't tell policy with me. Now she knows. I want no surprises when she comes in to clean out the house.

Jodi

[Wenda]

l Best wishes.

[Calliope]

I would want her to keep the secret and when I die, I would want her to get rid of the evidence.


Only you know all the zillions of details which comprise your history with your daughter, but...

I think if you're thinking of telling her, then you want to.

Please do with a happy occasion. After 30 years she's not going to doubt your Dadness - and why not be proud there's so many great sides to your personality!

I would also hope she'd want to keep an item or two - to hold on to the part of you entrusted to her.

[Billijo49504]

My wife knows, and I think my daughters know also. But who gives a damn, when you are just worm food. The meek shall inherit the earth, whether you are in pants or a skirt, it don't matter. 3 yrs ago, I was dead. They brought me back 4 times, I've been told. Now it's my life to live..In skirts or pants....BJ

[Stephenie S]

How true . . .Dead shmead. At that point who cares?

This is one reason why we say "when, not if", your secret is discovered. Because it WILL come out, sooner or later, one way or another. Might as well get it out in the open when it might do you some good, rather than letting your loved ones clean out your stash.

Steph

[linnea]

Thank you all so much for your helpful and encouraging replies. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple of weeks (a chance to spend most of a couple of days with my daughter for what she used to call "dad and daughter days"). Though I know that I don't have to tell her then or ever for that matter, I'm going to continue giving this possibility my active consideration.
Thanks again, sisters.

[AprilMae]

I figure if they who survive me only find dresses in my closet than I had a pretty good life.

[EricaCD]

If your only concern is "what happens if I have an untimely meeting with the Maker?", then write a long letter and leave it in the same place as your fem stuff.

If you have reasons to come out to your daughter that have nothing to do with your mortality, then evaluate your need to share on that basis alone and decide accordingly!

Erica

[Samantha B L]

The same thing sometimes crosses my mind about what my family and freinds will think if I'm dead or incapacitated and they go through my things and find all my "stuff".I'm 50 and I started thinking about all this 10-15 years ago and it always really gave me the shivers when it crossed my mind.That is until about 2 years ago when I decided that it was my life and not someone else's and that your life is finite and you shouldn't waste time worrying about silly details that can't be rectified in a convenient and quick solution.In all liklihood I will still be where I am in the same apartment complex when I'm very old, if I should live that long barring drastically unusual happenstance.And my sister and nephew will probably be the ones to go through my things.They could be a bit surprised and even speechless at first but I think it'll be cool with them.As for me,I won't know!Samantha

[jeniinnylons]

I've been troubled with the idea that if I die or have a calamitous accident that incapacitates me, my survivors or caregivers may discover my secret CD life.


My thoughts exactly.

Before my marriage my then GF knew to get rid of everything before anyone could get to the apt.

Now that we are divorcing I'm not sure what I will do.

[julie w]

its a no win situation really , you may freak you daughter out . I think
its better for you family to find out after , than trying to explain you feelings.
After you have gone you have nothing to lose.
I was visiting my sister a couple of years ago and her friend joined us
for a drink . she was telling us about her friend that husband had passed away and they found out He was a (transvestite) you can imagine my shock
at hearing such a thing!

[Eugenie]

I would like to tell my daughter, but not for the same reasons as you mentionned.

Actually I don't care at all what people will think when finding my femme clothes. I assume that they would probably have no clues that they were for me. When "en drab" I give the impression of beeing a very masculine person. It would require a great imagination to establish the link between myself and the statch of femme clothes in my closet. Note that my wife knows, so if she survives me, she might just through out all the stuff, as she often refers to my "femme things" if she feels unconfortable with it, which I know is the case.

The reason I would like to speak to my daughter is different. I'd like to share with her that feminine part of me. I think that she has some hints about it.

She also did share some personal things about her life with my wife and I when she did her coming out to us about being gay, which we all accepted quite happily, included her grand-parents.

Telling her would make me feel a lot more honest to her.

In our discussions she hinted that she accepted the transvestites, unlike some of the gays who don't. However I'm not sure that she would accept so readilly the news coming from her father...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[linnea]

Thank you again for your very helpful comments. Like Eugenie, part of my thinking has been that I would love to share my femininity with my daughter. It's not just the "what happens when I die" issue. But I wonder if it's worth the risk to open up on the topic. My daughter and I have a very good relationship as it is. I'll reflect more on this, particularly on the question of what I would really hope to accomplish by disclosing my CD life to her.

[Annie(ozcd)]

Please keep us informed of what you decide to do, and more important, if you decide to tell her, tell us her reaction.

[linnea]

Thanks, Annie. I will. I'm going to see her in two weeks (Oct. 6 and 7). She wrote me a birthday card recently, and in it she talked about an interesting string of topics (that's typical for her--a little random). Among the topics, she said that she had gone to a bookstore and was looking at various magazines. One she picked up was [I]Glamour[I]. In it, she said that she found a bunch of fashion tips. One of those said that you should not let your thong show above the waist band of what you're wearing. She said this in a humorous context and added in a parenthesis, "Better be careful about that, Dad." I don't think that she knows or even mildly suspects anything about my crossdressing, but since I received the card at the same time that I had been giving very serious thought to telling her, I was particularly intrigued by her comment.
She's a great daughter.

[Vera Lynn]

I totally understand your fears on this

I have often wondered the same thing

My wife has a standing request to "undress me before the ambulance/coroner arrives"

When I was admitted into the hospital a couple of weeks ago,I had to be seen totally hairless with pink toenails

I remember telling the nurses how embarrassed I was, They assured me it was no big deal


I say if your relationship with your daughter is open enough, then tell her your wishes.

[DAVIDA]

My daughter has known for avery long time. We use to go shopping together before she moved to another city.Our favorite thing was to hit " Clarance"shoe sales. She still buys me shoes from time to time. I miss her!:sad:

[Wenda]

One of those said that you should not let your thong show above the waist band of what you're wearing. She said this in a humorous context and added in a parenthesis, "Better be careful about that, Dad." She's a great daughter.So, share with her. Sounds like she may have a sniff. All the best!!

[Maureen Henley]

There's one issue here no one has addressed with the "I'll be dead, I won't care" comments.

Isn't there also an element of trying to save one's family from post-mortem embaressmant and sniggering? Friends and loved ones can, one hopes, be depended upon to keep a possibly embaressing revelation secret. Outsiders, however, will talk. That could lead to odd looks, whispering and outright humiliation of the family.

I think that if one lives alone, one should have an emergency plan for this. I am out to all of my family, as well as many friends, so it is not an issue for me. I can, however, see it being an issue for the family of a small town crossdresser who will still have to live there after the CD is gone.

[Tree GG]

Isn't there also an element of trying to save one's family from post-mortem embaressmant and sniggering?

Thank you for raising the considerate point. Whoever your next of kin is (the one responsible for clearing out your abode & effects) GF, SO, child, brother, sister, friend, whoever. If someone is going to have to clean up when you leave, it would be inconsiderate to leave that big of a surprise.

[linnea]

I really appreciate this forum in general and the responses I have received on this particular question. It is so good for me to be able to share my concerns and read other points of view and ideas about what I'm thinking. I will keep you all updated on what I decide to do.
Thank you so much for your support--whether you challenged, agreed, or posed an additional idea.

[JoAnnDallas]

One thing you could do is write everything down that you want her to do, seal in a envolupe, give to her with instructions only to be open and read only by her if you are dead or incapacitated.

[DonnaT]

There's one issue here no one has addressed with the "I'll be dead, I won't care" comments.

Isn't there also an element of trying to save one's family from post-mortem embarrassment and snickering? Friends and loved ones can, one hopes, be depended upon to keep a possibly embarrassing revelation secret. Outsiders, however, will talk. That could lead to odd looks, whispering and outright humiliation of the family.

I think that if one lives alone, one should have an emergency plan for this. I am out to all of my family, as well as many friends, so it is not an issue for me. I can, however, see it being an issue for the family of a small town crossdresser who will still have to live there after the CD is gone.


I don't think one needs worry about "outsiders". How are they going to find out?

But I do think that if you love your family, you worry about their reactions.

You can either tell someone you trust and ask them to take care of you possessions, or write them a letter to be delivered by your attorney and opened upon your death.

Sometimes the death itself is hard to take, and I've seen grief lead to suicide. Imagine someone like that finding your fem items.

My wife, son and daughter know. So no worries here.

[claireswife-gg]

My daughter (Claire's stepdaughter) knows Claire is preparing for transition and has embraced it. She's always been a very open and accepting person so she was the first we told.

I think it is a good idea to have someone know.

[angelfire]

I have thought about the "What would happen if I died" scenario as well. I am only 20, and it shouldn't be something concerning me, but for some reason it does every now and then. Not really sure why.

[linnea]

It may be silly, it may be unnecessary, and certainly (if you die) you're not around to care; however, being concerned about loved ones includes consideration for their feelings and for their need for closure. Before my mother died, she neglected to tell any of us that she had had an additional child. She had it with a man other than my father but during the time that they were married (it's a longer story to explain how she kept it from him and everyone else). Anyway, we all met him after her death and we were not only surprised (some were shocked) but we were also feeling a sense of unease about "closing the book" on her life. With his appearance, which he by the way handled quite tactfully and sensitively, there came a lot of "loose ends." They were eventually tied together in a pretty satisfying way, but if there had been someone who know about it and who could have explained it to us, much turmoil and confusion could have been avoided.
I think that that is why you may feel a need for someone to know.




I have thought about the "What would happen if I died" scenario as well. I am only 20, and it shouldn't be something concerning me, but for some reason it does every now and then. Not really sure why.