Could I be any more Confused?

[1SexyGurl]

It gets crazier and crazier as time passes......

The Story thus far..

So last night I told my wife that I wanted to talk to her, and that it was going to be one of those non-judgemental, could get weird, hold your comments 'till the end please, type of conversations. Long story short, I told her my story about wanting to CD. Didn't go so well. Absolutly not she says. I was already planning to do "drag" for halloween, but she didn't like that much either, at least not after she realized that I wasn't going to do the 'campy' thing. So it's today now. She wants to know why I have to wear womens clothes to express myself. She also suggested that I need counseling. I'm not say no to counseling but around here they would probably tell me to go for it. At any rate, Today not even 15 minutes ago she gives me some of her makeup that she doesnt want anymore. For my 'costume'. The very same 'costume' she said absolutely not to just 12 hours ago! Help! :frustrated: :Pullhair:

[Janelle Young]

Hi 1SG

I can relate to this. When I first told my GF I was a CD, she wanted nothing to do with either it or me. Then we got back together and she gave me a skirt and a blouse. Since then nothing, it is like she has put it out of her mind, as it does not exist. All she can say is she wishes I still had hair on my chest.

I have no idea why she did what she did, but it looks like yours did what mine did. I am as confused as you are.

[sara_also]

My wife is very supportive today, But in the beginning she would always say I'll get back to you in a couple of days.She just needed time to absorb what was happening. Give her a little time and I hope things will work well for both you and her.

[ColleenCD]

1sexygirl,

There is a library of posts in this forum which will answer this 10 times better than this, but...try to understand, she has to "react" to your request. Her initial reaction is to control, then once she's had time to mentally digest it, she can "allow" within her limits. These are her limits and are subject to change back and forth without prior notice.

Most GG's are not fully supportive. Some are accepting to a level and a very few are fully accepting and supportive.

The things you need to give her are honest answers, time to formulate a level of understanding your CDing, and appreciation of her.

Good Luck,

Colleen

[Tina Dixon]

Hi 1SG

Since then nothing, it is like she has put it out of her mind, as it does not exist.
This sounds like my house, I guess I'll live with it, but 1SexyGurl if you keep talking like you seem to do it may work out for you.

[Melinda G]

How many times do I have to tell you "ladies" to just enjoy your crossdressing, and keep it your little secret. Coming out to anyone is just asking for trouble.
Most women want their SOs to be totally dependent on them for sex, and anything that competes with them, is seen as a threat. And many people still think crossdressers are gay, despite all the evidence to the contrary. And to anyone who isn't into crossdressing, it is at least viewed as something wierd. Why anyone would want to expose themselves to embarrassment, ridicule, possible blackmail, or divorce is still a mystery to me. The only person I ever came out to was my wife. And within a couple months she had a boyfriend at work, and in a few more months after that she moved out! READ MY LIPS! For every SO who accepts it, ten don't! And even if they grudgingly accept it, they will never view you again in the way they used to!

[1SexyGurl]

Thank you for your responses, I love this forum. I really need the support right now. I'm just gonna have to wait it out and see. On a side note she didn't act suprised at all. Then again I was the last/only person to do her eyebrows.:heehee:

[1SexyGurl]

How many times do I have to tell you "ladies" to just enjoy your crossdressing, and keep it your little secret. Coming out to anyone is just asking for trouble.
Most women want their SOs to be totally dependent on them for sex, and anything that competes with them, is seen as a threat. And many people still think crossdressers are gay, despite all the evidence to the contrary. And to anyone who isn't into crossdressing, it is at least viewed as something wierd. Why anyone would want to expose themselves to embarrassment, ridicule, possible blackmail, or divorce is still a mystery to me. The only person I ever came out to was my wife. And within a couple months she had a boyfriend at work, and in a few more months after that she moved out! READ MY LIPS! For every SO who accepts it, ten don't! And even if they grudgingly accept it, they will never view you again in the way they used to!
I appreciate your input, This is not the first 'suprise' I've had for her. Two years ago she found out I was bi-sexual, we worked through that and she even suggests bi porn every one in a while. Hell, she even tried to hook me up with a friend of hers. Yeah he was cute but I'm kinda into the monogamy thing. I know that she wasn't trying to test me or anything, I know her well enogh to know that she wouldn't do that, shes waaay to jealous for that.

[Billijo49504]

Just my guess, you hit her with something she wasn't expecting, and she reacted negatively. Maybe now she has thought it out and changed her mind. Or at least I hope so. My wife likes the idae of me dressing, I like to shop for clothes and so does she. And I usually pay for the clothes...BJ

[Melinda G]

Well, hope things work out for you both.

[paulaN]

kinda like a rollercoster at my house too. I never know where her acceptance level will be on any given day.

[Byllie]

My only suggestion is to talk, talk, talk. That is, to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. After all, you are who you are, and have not changed simply because you're out to her. Take baby steps, but please, keep on talking.

[melissacd]

I have wrestled with this same issue for 9 years. Talk did not work, counselling did not work, books/articles/websites did not work, offers to connect her with other wives did not work. Finally, I stated I am a cross dresser whether she can accept it or not, I am not ashamed of it even if she is, I will do it whether she wants me to or not. It may seem cold and callous on my part, but in the absence of meaningful dialog the only choices left are not do it (not an option for me), leave or stay and be myself. At this point I have chosen door number three.

I am discrete, I do not do anything that will embarrass her, I dress far away from home. After years of giving her my power and letting her decide if I could do this, after having her not meet me half way I put my foot down, drew a line in the sand and asserted my right to choose.

Now I go out to cross dresser dinners, meetings, week-ends away and meet with other cross dressers. She now accepts that I am a cross dresser and that that will not change. She never asks about any of it and I never tell.

This is not the path that I would have preferred, however, it is the only path that works for us. It started with me drawing a line in the sand, asserting my right to choose and letting her know that whenever she is ready to talk about I will, however, I am no longer waiting for that conversation to happen.

This arrangement works for us. Previously, as long as I caved in and gave her the right to decide I was angry and my health was going down hill. Now I am living my life as me, I am happier and my health has greatly improved.

[Wenda]

. All The Best!:d :d

[Barb Valentine]

I don't mean to burst your bubble
But keep this in the back of your mind
"Subject to change without notice"
Just because it OK today doesn't mean it's OK tomorrow
Best of luck
:hugs:
Barb

[AmberTG]

It's a woman's right to change her mind, but then, it's her right to change it back again also:D

[Kate Simmons]

It's a woman's right to change her mind, but then, it's her right to change it back again also:DKawoodickers, is it any wonder we want to be (or at least be like) women? Women have the option to change their mind any time. Men, on the other hand, get looked at crosseyed if they make a decision and then change it. Of course, I've developed the attitude that I can change my mind anytime, regardless of what "mode" I'm in. If anyone has a problem with it, I deal with them one-on-one as Ericka or Richard. :happy: Ericka Kay

[Sandra]

I can remember when Nigella told me about her dressing, I felt very much alone and frightened, I would imagine your So proably feels the same way.

Try to keep the lines of communication open, listen to what she has to say ok you may not like it. Tell her honestly how you feel and answer her questions honestly. It might help to get her some info on CDing nothing to heavy and of course there is always the GG forum here.

[AprilMae]

I can see why you are confused especially if she encouraged your being Bisexual. Maybe she feels that coupled with dressing will encourage you to stray. Put yourself in her shoes...wait you probably have. Ok, if she were to come to you and say she wanted to sleep with other women....never mind, like most men, you'd probably say "YES!". (As long as you can watch). I'm out of pithy comments. All I can say is communicate.

[siennacd]

I came out to my wife about a month ago and at first she was not sure if she'd be ok w/it. Talk, talk, talk is all I can say to you. I don't try to push it onto my wife whenever she wants to talk about it we do. Give her time to digest what you told her. It is a shock to her but, you've had time to realize this is you. Good luck

Sienna

[Tree GG]

Even though her confusion is contagious, don't forget to let her know how much you appreciate the level of acceptance she is able to show right now.

Sounds like she's trying to understand, and that will just take time and positive encouragement from you.

[Marla GG]

Honey, she isn't sending mixed messages on purpose to confuse you, or arbitrarily changing her mind just for the fun of it. :raisedeyebrow: She is probably worried, scared and confused herself. On the one hand she wants you to know that it makes her uncomfortable; on the other hand she wants to show you that she cares about your happiness. Spouses of CDs are often torn between their own feelings and needs, and their desire to be a "good," nurturing, supportive wife -- hence the mixed signals. In my view it is a good sign that she is trying to come to terms with what you told her, although it is likely to be "one step forward, two steps back" for a while. Try not to get frustrated with the "hot and cold" thing; thank her for her supportive gestures when she makes them, and respect the fact that she is struggling and can't always be consistent with her emotions and attitudes at this point.

Best wishes
Marla xx

[LindaG]

It gets crazier and crazier as time passes......

The Story thus far..

So last night I told my wife that I wanted to talk to her, and that it was going to be one of those non-judgemental, could get weird, hold your comments 'till the end please, type of conversations. Long story short, I told her my story about wanting to CD. Didn't go so well. Absolutly not she says. I was already planning to do "drag" for halloween, but she didn't like that much either, at least not after she realized that I wasn't going to do the 'campy' thing. So it's today now. She wants to know why I have to wear womens clothes to express myself. She also suggested that I need counseling. I'm not say no to counseling but around here they would probably tell me to go for it. At any rate, Today not even 15 minutes ago she gives me some of her makeup that she doesnt want anymore. For my 'costume'. The very same 'costume' she said absolutely not to just 12 hours ago! Help! :frustrated: :Pullhair:


My wife freaked to, she told me she married a man not a women. I am trying
to get her to let me get dressed up for halloween. I don't think she will let me
I don't why your wife is playing head games with you. maybe it was that time of the month for her.

[Amy Hepker]

I only know what I went through and I hope you come out better. Don't keep bothering her about it. Let her ask the questions, and awnser them truthfully. If she does not say anything for a couple days ask again if she would let you go to the party dressed and ask if she will help. DON'T PUSH just ask. She will probably try to talk to a friend about it and that could help and it could hurt. If you want to dress and have the desire to dress all the time let her know when she does ask. If you onl;y want to do it from time to time express that. See what she will except and what she will do to help. If she leaves, be ready if she comes back. Stand up for what you need, if she's going to leave then she'll do it anyway now or later. Sorry to say that.
GOD BLESS US ALL!!!
AMY

[great gg]

Honey, she isn't sending mixed messages on purpose to confuse you, or arbitrarily changing her mind just for the fun of it. :raisedeyebrow: She is probably worried, scared and confused herself. On the one hand she wants you to know that it makes her uncomfortable; on the other hand she wants to show you that she cares about your happiness. Spouses of CDs are often torn between their own feelings and needs, and their desire to be a "good," nurturing, supportive wife -- hence the mixed signals. In my view it is a good sign that she is trying to come to terms with what you told her, although it is likely to be "one step forward, two steps back" for a while. Try not to get frustrated with the "hot and cold" thing; thank her for her supportive gestures when she makes them, and respect the fact that she is struggling and can't always be consistent with her emotions and attitudes at this point.

Best wishes
Marla xx

I couldn't agree more. time and talk. time and talk. and sometimes just time in between times. good luckand don't give up on yourself or on her.

[princessmichelle]

Hi 1sg,

I feel like one of the themes here is "why come out." Yes, cd issues are confusing and coming out is scary. So why do it?

I decided to come out to a few of the people close to me this past week because I realized that my cd issues are not going away. They are a big part of who I am and hiding it was hurting me.

So I sympathise.

Best of luck,

"Princess" Michelle

[Karen Johnson]

Sounds so familiar. We have been conditioned by society to look down on cd's as absolute creeps. It is not surprising that someone would react like that. Of course, after you really think about it, does wearing a skirt rather than pants make you a different person?

My wife was open from the beginning and I am grateful for that. After the initial shock wears off maybe your wife will see the benefits of having a husband that can be her girlfriend as well.

Best of luck!

[Sejd]

Hi 1sexyGurl
When I embraced my transexuality now three month ago as a result of very sucessfull therapy, my wife said to me: "Fine just don't change into a woman all together, as in dressing everyday!" Now three month later she looks sad if I'm not in my favorite skirt at night and she does everything to encourage me to be "Her girl". I love it! so the thing is, if your girlfriend really loves and adores you, she will go all the way with you if you give her the space and time to grow with you, because this is about growth and freedom and not about pretending.
hugs
Sejd

[Joy Carter]

I have wrestled with this same issue for 9 years. Talk did not work, counseling did not work, books/articles/websites did not work, offers to connect her with other wives did not work. Finally, I stated I am a cross dresser whether she can accept it or not, I am not ashamed of it even if she is, I will do it whether she wants me to or not. It may seem cold and callous on my part, but in the absence of meaningful dialog the only choices left are not do it (not an option for me), leave or stay and be myself. At this point I have chosen door number three.

I am discrete, I do not do anything that will embarrass her, I dress far away from home. After years of giving her my power and letting her decide if I could do this, after having her not meet me half way I put my foot down, drew a line in the sand and asserted my right to choose.

Now I go out to cross dresser dinners, meetings, week-ends away and meet with other cross dressers. She now accepts that I am a cross dresser and that that will not change. She never asks about any of it and I never tell.

This is not the path that I would have preferred, however, it is the only path that works for us. It started with me drawing a line in the sand, asserting my right to choose and letting her know that whenever she is ready to talk about I will, however, I am no longer waiting for that conversation to happen.

This arrangement works for us. Previously, as long as I caved in and gave her the right to decide I was angry and my health was going down hill. Now I am living my life as me, I am happier and my health has greatly improved.


It's cold way of doing it but sometimes you just have to. I tell her what I'm doing so there is no secrets. The only thing she has asked is when am I going to be done shopping. That cut to the quick.:o

[kerrianna]

One thing I realized when talking to my wife about what really amounts to some gender confusion (for want of a better term, altho I kind of like 'gender-mixing') is that I AM confused about a lot of it.:idontknow: Therefore it's hard to explain coherently or with conviction, and I shouldn't be surprised when my wife is confused herself.

Give it time and patience, try to be open without being pushy and put yourself in her shoes (oh, right that's what started it :heehee: ). Seriously, go slow even if your inner girl is screaming to get out, and give your wife time to adjust. Reassure her that the man she married is still the same person and give her some of the power in how it goes. Don't try to second guess if possible - the only cure we've found for confusion is talking it out.

Then come here and bitch. :D

[Joy3]

I well understand your and her confusion[yes both of you]! I told my wife several months ago and it sure has been up and down.

My wife assures me that she loves me very much, however, she wishes I was not into crossdressing. She has not expressed any desire to see me dressed. On the other hand she has given me clothing and make-up. She said she does not mind if I wear panties in bed and even suggested it would be ok to wear them all the time if I wished.

My wife bought and read 'MYHUSBAND BETTY' and had many questions of me that I answered truthfully which was not easy at times.

Any number of responses to your post emphasized patience and the importance of time. I agree and while it is hard to wait, I believe it is very important to do so.

Love, Joy

[Dixie Darling]

Monica,

If she will agree to do so, have her sit down with you and have a look at the material on my web site. There's material there that BOTH f you can use. . . . and you don't have to be concerned about seeing anything that would be an embarrassment to either of you.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[stephi]

Hey girl, saw your letter and was very touched. My best friend Stephi is also my husband, (s)he told me of her lifestyle about 10 years ago. Although for the first few days it took me a little getting used to, now I can honestly say we are great buds. I have two best friends rolled into one. Please talk to your wife and give her the time to get her head round it. I am sure that it won't take her too long to realise that she too is very lucky and can have girlie nights in without offending her other half. Good luck to you babe xx


GG other half of Stephi

[Karren H]

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth....lol

Karren

[crossing-the-rain]

I don't think that many woman would like to marry a CD as her husband,she's not changing her mind,she just doesn't want to create any controversy.My experience is sooner or later,when the time her tolerance gone,is the time your marriage finished.
Just enjoyed the happy hour ,leave those unhappy into garbage at the time beings.
Rain

[Debra Lynn]

I have to agree that the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open, even when she isn't on the other end. Give her time to digest what has already happened to her and if things haven't changed in a week (no communication), then bring up the subject of dressing for Halloween again. She has to work this out in her own mind (subject of course to the woman's perogative) and it may be up and down, just like life is supposed to be! Make sure that you pay attention to her the rest of the time so that she has no concerns over whether you still love her or not. Confusion is the normal state of mind for married people, communication is the only way to solve it!

[Marcie Sexton]

I guesss I'm another one that has been there and seen that...When I first came out to my wife, she went bonkers !!!:eek: as a matter of fact I quit dressing for almost a year to keep the peace...she never mentioned it and neither did I...things went in to a dead spiral:(

Then for my birthday in November she gave me all the things I had thrown away...:D Since then we have been flying high, discovered love all over again...Now we dress shop and love as one...:heehee:

I suppose what I'm getting at is give it time...what is meant to be will happen, for what ever reason...I can only hope and pray your results will equal mine...:hugs:

[TxKimberly]

Well, you have presumably had a lifetime to come to an understanding of what and who you are. Now you need to give her a chance to.

Kim

[Calliope]

She also suggested that I need counseling.


Shouldn't the person with the problem be seeking the counselling?

Then again, what do I know? Joni Mitchell's my therapist!

[dann]

Not to make light of your situation. Which is similar to my. But I love your Floyd DSOTM T-SHIRT! Awesome!!!!!