How to tell wife

[kaylagurl]

I'm hoping someone can help me find some of the old threads written by the gg's on how one of us should go about telling our wives about our dressing. I hate hiding it from her and can't bear it anymore and really want to tell her but I don't want anything to change between us.

Any advice would be wonderful

Kayla

[melissacd]

Kayla,

There is no easy way to tell her, there are only ways. It is good to prepare your thoughts, have resources available, be prepared for her mouth to drop to the floor, be prepared for lots of tears and anger, be prepared to be asked a lot of questions like are you gay (always thought that was a silly question because gay men want gay men not men who look like women), do you want to be a girl (only you know the answer to that one), do you want to dress 7/24, be prepared for her to think that it is a sickness that you need to go to a doctor to be cured of (it is not a sickness but many still feel it is). Be prepared to go to counselling, there are many good TG counsellors around just ask around your area for a reference.

Make certain in your own mind where you stand on your own acceptance of your cross dressing and if you accept it and have to have it as a part of your life then be prepared to negotiate terms wih her, but make it clear to her that you are a cd, that cding is okay, that you are okay with your cding and that you are willing to make compromises but you are not willing to give it up and she also has to understand that things will change and while you may make concessions now, you may want to move the boundaries later. You have to be realistic with her and come up with an arrangement that you can both live with or you will both be unhappy. Offer to read books with her, show her and guide her through excellent web sites like this forum, find wives of spouses who are willing to talk to her about their experiences. Join a local CD group and take her with you. Ask her if she would like to see pictures of you dressed. Don't show her yourself dressed unless she wants to see it. Don't push having sex dressed unless she is comfortable with the idea. If she is okay with your dressing don't go crazy with it or that will turn her off, meter your purchases, dressing and going out to meetings, don't overwhelm her, give her time to catch up to where you are and be prepared to continually answer her questions.

Note that and be prepared for her to be accepting one day and totally non-accepting other days, have patience with this process but gently keep her moving forward. If you need to change the boundaries such as you want to shave parts of your body and she did not agree to that at first then renegotiate with her. Assure her that you are still the person she fell in love with and that all of the qualities that make you you are still part of the package. Be her masculine man from time to time if that is what she needs.

Over time, if she is open minded and you are patient she may actually come around and learn to enjoy this with you. The flip side is that she may be like my wife who after nine years still cannot accept it.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and expect somewhere in the middle.

A good movie to share with her is "Just Like A Woman" a but cheesy and yet gets the hetero cross dresser message across.

Good books to share are "My Husband Betty" and most of the Peggy Rudd books. There are many good websites out there to use as resources and many CD groups where you can attend meetings. THere are lots of wonderful people on this site who are happy to lend advice and a shoulder to cry on when needed.

If handled well this can be a positive process.

My well wishes are with you in your journey and feel free to message me as required. I am happy to answer questions and give opinions.

I hope some of these ideas help...

Huggs
Melissa

[Phoebe Reece]

Kayla, here is one of the more interesting threads from the vault on the subject: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17345&highlight=telling

[renee k]

Hi Kayla,

First off, I strongly agree with Melissa and suggest you read the threads Phoebe listed. My thoughts on this.If your relationship is open, and you talk about everything that goes on in your life with your wife. Keep it that way. Trust and communication are the basis for a caring and loving relationship. If you haven't been doing that in the past, now's the time to do so. Don't live a lie. Too many people get hurt. Bottom line, get it out in the open and don't let it fester inside you. It may be difficult now to talk about it. But think about hard it's going to be down the road if you don't.

Renee

[Diann]

I like you, I wanted to tell my prospective wife 1 and 2 before we lived together.(not at the same time)

I thought honesty was best #1 tried to use it in our child custidy, Wife two seemed cool about it but soon wanted nothing to do with it resents it and will throw it in may face if given a chance.

At least of us that have SO, I think most GG won't be receptive

So girls prove me wrong. Good Luck Diann

[Sandygal]

Hi Kayla...It doesn't matter how much you read, it's different for everyone. Things will change. Hopefully for the better. Prepare yourself for one very strange day or night (depending on when you tell her). When you do tell her, listen close to what she says. Don't lie! It makes it worse. If she truly loves you, she may still act standoffish for quite awhile. Also prepare yourself for a complete blowout. Some wifes won't accept it no matter what you tell them. I myself feel better that I told my wife. It's been one and a half years and I have made small steps. My clothes are in the closet and my wife has seen panties sticking out of the top of my shorts now and then. She will act upset, but then keeps scratching my back. So the main thing is, nobody and no book is going to know how bad or good she will react. What is important , will it make your life better if you tell her? If you believe it will make your life better, do it. But be ready for the tears from her and you both. Things can get ugly in a second, so think it out carefully before you do it.
I so hope everything turns out.....Sandy

[Sheila]

kaylagurl ,
below a link to the crossdressers for a post made --------How to Tell Your Wife - A Manual of Love
http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=107

Hope this is of some help

Jess(SO)
P.S.
you could also write down the site address so that she could come and take a look at the site, (maybe on her own or if she is comfortable with you at her side) -------if she is unsure/unwilling or even supporting it may help her to realise that she is not on her own and that there are many people who crossdress and that there are relationships in which the crossdressers partner does support them and that it not neccaserrily a disaster.

Whatever you decide to do good luck and know that we are rooting for you and your wife :hugs:

[Ginger62]

Hello Girls,

I told my wife on Memorial Day this year. You could have knocked her over with a feather, she was truly dumbfounded. I was so relieved to have told her.

I got the usual questions: Are you gay?, Do you want to be a girl?, How long have you been doing this behind my back?, etc.

SLOWLY, she has grown to accept this side of me. I've tried to tell her that I'm the same guy she married who likes to drive his old truck, work on the cars, drink PBR and yell at the TV while watching the race. I think she is realizing all of that continuouly.

This week, our conversation turned to her wearing my clothes at various times. Any some point, she has worn my dress shirts, tee shirts, jeans, shoes, caps, housepants and even my bathrobe. I have said nary a word in objection. When asked, she has said that my clothes feel comfortable to her. Ditto. Why then the double standard? I think that helped her to see that I wear her skirts and (my) thigh highs for the same reason. I do have my eye on one of her dresses. I'll ask to wear it at some point.

Bottom line: Be open, honest and ready to discuss it at length.

Hugs,

Ginger

[DonnaT]

See:
http://www.avitale.com/sotelling.htm

An article written by Jane Ellen Fairfax.


"How can I muster the courage to tell my wife about my crossdressing?

Will she reject me, or even leave me?" These questions trouble many crossdressers. In communicating with their wives, they use a variety of methods. How a crossdresser informs his wife directly influences the wife’s response to his "woman within." Based on observed patterns of wives’ responses, several suggestions come to mind. Naturally, no one approach can be guaranteed to work for any given couple. My suggestions will read like a Manual for Love.

Should a crossdresser tell his wife about his crossdressing? Almost always! Revealing his feminine side shows a belief in the sacred trust that is the basis of marriage. The decision to hide his femininity entails a willingness either to submerge the "woman within" or to spend much time and energy deceiving those he loves. Submerging the feminine self, moreover, simply does not work. Mounting frustration leads to subconscious resentments, which are dumped on the unsuspecting wife in the form of unrelated quarrels. And can manifest in psychological and physical effects on the crossdresser, depression and medical problems. This suffering hardly seems fair to the wife, who was given no chance to understand or accept. Thus the crossdresser may precipitate the very divorce he fears. It is true that informing a wife will occasionally lead to divorce. But if so, the marriage was usually in poor shape anyway. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s concept of a friend was "someone with whom I can be sincere." The crossdresser’s wife must be his friend.

Before sharing his feminine side with his wife, the crossdresser should have a reasonable insight into his own feminine self. Such insight may be gained by studying the works of such researchers as Drs. Vern Bullough, Richard Docter, Roger Peo, Virginia Prince and Peggy Rudd. Publications such the Femme Mirror and the Sweetheart Connection are excellent sources of information.

The crossdresser should take care to avoid certain approaches that have resulted in much grief. A wife’s response is largely determined by how and when she is informed of her husband’s crossdressing. Most wives respect honesty; indeed, they are entitled to it. Some crossdressers feel it less threatening to understate their crossgender behavior as a mere "hobby." Perhaps it may seem so over the short term, but wives later feel deceived when feminine traits emerge that transcend the "hobby" concept. Other crossdressers simply allow their wives to discover their feminine clothes. The natural wifely reaction to this copout is to feel betrayed by her husband’s "unfaithfulness." When the wife discovers that the "other woman" is really he, she feels made to appear a fool. And guess who will be the target of her resulting anger!

Sandra’s comment, when clothing or other items are “discovered” you lose the initiative and are into damage control. This is also one of the prime reasons to tell in a planned manner. It is also wise to obtain the help of a professional councelor familiar with gender issues in this process.

As crossdressers we should stress one central fact: We are more than our clothes! Far more important than the clothing is the fact that we are males who have been fortunate enough to discover a softer, feminine side to our personalities. Crossdressing, then, is simply a means of self-expression. Deep down, most women dislike the "macho" standards under which males in our society are raised. Women tend to be sensitive and empathetic, and appreciate these traits in men. They appreciate the concept of expressing mood and self-image in what they wear. At various times, they may feel "pretty" or "sporty" or "sexy" or "outdoorsy" or "elegant," and dress accordingly. Surely it is logical for them to reject the double standard that denies men this freedom of expression.

The crossdresser should present his "woman within" as a positive asset. For she is! Feelings of guilt, placed on crossdressers by an ignorant, hostile society, have little place in the vital process of communication between the crossdresser and his wife. How can the crossdresser possibly ask his wife to encourage "her" when he himself has trouble accepting "her?" Before revealing his feminine side to his wife, he should take note of the differences "she" has made in his life. Has "she" made him more careful of his appearance, more free to express his emotions, more sensitive and empathic, more understanding of his wife’s feelings and needs, and more aware of color and beauty?

Has he developed new interests and skills? Has he grown closer to God? As the crossdresser shares these assets with his wife, she will realize that her husband is still the same dear person she fell in love with and married. He has only grown.

Communication with our wives should be an exercise in empathy.


Always we should strive to put ourselves in our wives’ place. Fears of homosexuality or transsexuality should be dealt with honestly - as soon as possible. Concerns about children, job, and life goals should be explored together. Our wives are our partners. Regardless of our desires, our wives and families will have to bear the social cruelty that can come with having a crossdressing husband and father. Many wives, moreover, will be troubled by inner conflicts that are every bit as important as our own. Most of them did not ask to be placed into this maelstrom. It is our sacred duty to communicate with our wives, to make decisions with them, and to understand them.

Sharing our feminine side with our wives does not end with mere words.

As we live our femininity, sharing continues. Rather than try to outshine our wives, we should grow with them in the feminine experience. Of course, there are some things such as menstrual cramps, childbirth, and breast feeding that we can share only vicariously. The best we can do about these biological functions is to respond in love. Unless we live full time enfemme, we may never know wage discrimination. But we can join our sisters in fighting it wherever it exists. Being a crossdresser entails some sacrifice. We must avoid retreating into a macho double standard. Nothing seems to disgust wives more than a "man in a dress." Much more important than perfecting feminine mannerisms is developing a lively appreciation for beauty in nature, art, music, and literature, and, yes, those very feminine skills of cooking, sewing, interior decorating, housecleaning, and grocery shopping. Our wives will be much more encouraging if they perceive that we are willing to buy, as far as is possible, the whole feminine package.

Finally, we should remember that our wives need us as men. Everyone has heard the tired refrain of rejecting wives: "I married a man!" So many times it has been used to imprison men in society’s masculine straitjacket. Yet it has a modicum of validity. We, who are more secure than average in our masculinity, should provide the masculine strength our wives need from us. That includes letting them, as far as they can, participate in the masculine side of our lives. It means being considerate husbands and devoted fathers. If we fulfill well our roles as husbands, our wives will grow more comfortable with us as sisters.

Another article: Telling Your Partner By Linda Kaye


Over the years, both Vanessa and I have been asked by numerous crossdressers about how to tell their wives and partners of their transgendered (femme) side. They seem to think that we can provide a "magic wand" for them, or that we hold the "secret" that will make everything just right.

The truth is that there is no magic wand or secret to telling your partner. You are taking a chance in opening up your entire being to the person who is most important in your life. You are opening the last closet door, and in doing so, you may end up losing this special person, or drastically affecting your relationship with her. If you feel that this relationship is important to you, it is a risk worth taking.

This may sound very frightening, but then, you are already frightened. It is a big step, a big chance you will be taking. However, the failure to tell your partner about your real self could be the the greater risk. In addition, until such time as you and your partner have totally opened up to one another, true intimacy will not be possible.

There can be a bright side to all of this, if you take the necessary steps to prepare yourself to tell her. Here are some thoughts and possible guidelines for you.

First, and foremost, you need to be secure in yourself, accepting all that you are, including your feminine side. The transgendered person who cannot accept him or herself can never convince his or her partner to accept. Self-acceptance is a major key, for it gives you the strength to take the chance. If you have inner peace and integrity, as Ms. Katafiasz writes in her booklet, then you have the best life can offer you. You will reflect this to all you meet, and your self-liking will come across to your partner as you tell her. You are special, you are unique and your transgenderism is a rare gift. If you share this with her in this manner, it is a major start to her understanding you.

Furthermore, you need to prepare yourself for the time when you will tell her. If you are transgendered, then learn all you can about transgenderism. There are endless books written on the subject, and by reading them, attending conferences, programs and seminars, which are offered throughout the year and the country by different segments of the transgendered community, you absorb knowledge about who you are. You learn more about yourself, and in doing so, you move to self-acceptance. It is like the circle of the wedding ring - you never reach the end, for the circle is never-ending. Such is learning...you are an open vessel, continually needed refilling.

As you learn more about yourself, also begin to learn about the partners of other transgendered men who have learned to tolerate and accept. There are more and more books being written about being the partner of a transgendered person, and there are books written specifically to couples in such relationships. Do not obtain these books to give to your partner; read them first, so that you can be able to talk to her about what she will eventually read. Contact the authors, if you have questions or comments and attempt to assimilate what they have written into your presentation to your partner.

Know your partner. Look logically at the relationship and think about how telling her about your crossdressing is going to affect it. Be compassionate to her needs: Take into account the pressures of her life, be they professional stress, children, family issues, financial boundaries.

Love your partner by trying to find ways to help her with her life pressures and understand that in telling her, you may be adding to her burdens. Will this new burden be too much?

Look honestly at the communication you share with her. Do you talk about real issues or do you brush them under the rug to avoid conflict? Ask yourself if there is anything else that you are hiding from her, for that will be one of her very first questions. Be ready to answer questions about your sexuality and your sexual orientation, and be honest in your answers. Do not try to cover up or lie to her. This is the time for total honesty. You would expect that from her, so why should not you be willing to do the same?

When you tell her, we suggest that you do not just blurt out that you are a transvestite or transgendered person. Prepare your words carefully. Explain to her that there is a side of you that has been with you all your life and which you had previously not told her about. When she asks why, be truthful. Most likely, you will tell her that you were afraid that you might lose her. Be prepared when she is unwilling to buy that reason. In her eyes, she will not understand how she could have been in such an intimate relationship with you and not known about this side of you. She may be resentful, and rightly so.

Try to explain your feelings about wearing feminine attire. She may be unable to fully understand what you feel, but she might be able to comprehend some of it. If you have tried to purge in the past, tell her this, and tell her how it did not work. If you have been to counseling, tell her this, too. If she wants to go to counseling, be open to the idea. Keep open the doors to her, and to your relationship. Tell her (and show her) that you have obtained educational materials about transgenderism, and the issues facing a couple in such a relationship and ask her if she would be willing to read them. Do not force them on her.

Be patient! This is a major blow to her sense of intimacy. Do not expect her to jump up and throw her arms open in grateful acceptance. Instead, ask her to leave the doors of communication open, make yourself available always to her for questions or discussion. Do not insist on dressing in front her until she specifically asks that you do so. And do not insist that she attend a support group meeting or try to force her to attend a partners support group meeting. Instead, simply make the options available to her.

Lastly, make sure that she knows how much you love her and how important your relationship is. Make it very clear that she is not the cause of your transgenderism. In fact, if you are like most other crossdressers, the reason for your femme side is unknown and unclear. Your partner may feel that she is somehow lacking in femininity. It is vitally important that you reassure her that this is not the case, and to you, she is a beautiful, desirable woman and the most important person in your life.

None of this will guarantee her acceptance but it gives you a valid start. The acceptance has to come from within her; it cannot be forced. Give her time, give her love and give her reassurance that you are still the man she fell in love with, and that your femme side is simply another unique part of your wholeness.

[Sandra]

Be honest with her try to explain why you CD and be prepared for the questions and tears, answer her questions as honest as you can. Don't push her take it at her pace and keep the communication going, you could suggest this place let her know that there is a private GG forum here where she can get help and support.