And you may say to yourself, “My God, what have I done?”

[Ms. Donna]

We all have fears – things we do our best to avoid at all costs. Today I’d like to talk about one of mine.

It’s the ‘T’ word. No, not Trans – I’m quite fine with that – the other ‘T’ word we all to common to our community.

You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?

:: Donna closes her eyes… takes a deep cleansing breath… and… ::

Transition

There, I said it – hope y’all are happy now.

But god how I loath this word, I really do. I make it a point – as best as I can – to not use it in reference to myself. I have other terms I prefer to use because of the implicit meaning Transition has when used in the context of anything trans-related. I prefer evolution or becoming. They are softer words, implying an unfolding of being – a sense of growing into oneself. They are comforting in some way – to me at least.

Transition, on the other hand, is a word that frightens the crap out of me. We need not define it, as the implicit meaning is well understood by us. For me to use the word transition in reference to myself is to make a statement about myself I don’t know that I’m willing to make. There is a sense of finality to the word – of having left something far, far behind – of having passed a point of no return.

I don’t want to be there, past that midpoint with no way to get back. I don’t want to be there because it means that I have no choice but to continue onwards – to wherever it is that may lead. And while intellectually I can accept this and even welcome it – emotionally I find myself terrified.

I had a bit of a side conversation relating to a thread on another forum, where in I made the following statement:
I'm on a middle road, but it's mine and mine alone. It cannot be construed as one appropriate for anyone else.

The reply I got back was not one I expected:

I'm not sure you are.

I think you've just transitioned to a point that's yours and yours alone. You did it by transitioning pretty formally. Your partner lives with it because it's better than living without you.

There is was, the ‘T’ word – applied directly to me.

But… but… I haven’t transitioned – really, I haven’t. Ok, so I’ve made a few changes: I look different, I informed HR of my desires / intentions to follow the women’s dress code, my picture and bio are going to be posted on our LGBT network’s web page, I’m out in public as, well, whatever it is think I am – and my wife has a hard time seeing me solidly as a ‘man’ anymore.

But that’s not transitioning… Is it?

Who the f**k am I kidding – besides myself.

My wife recognizes it. In a discussion the other week, she said that it's obvious I want to look like a woman, why can't I just be honest about it? She’s right and she knows it – so do I.

And even now, while I can not bring myself to actually say it, my friend is painfully correct: I’ve done it – perhaps to a point that is ‘mine and mine alone’ – but I have done it nonetheless. Try as I might, I can no longer deny it

And as I fell asleep last night, I thought to myself, for the first time…



“My god, what have I done?”


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Teresa Amina]

These words drag us along with them. I use TG when it's obvious there's a lot of TS bouncing around my soul. As a friend from this forum said to me "I see your pictures and read your words and wonder how far you want to take this". Good question. But even though I begin clearing the beard from my face tomorrow I'll keep to trans-gender for my self desciption. That other term has just too many expectations attached. So with transition. It is a word with powerful associations that can guide us down paths we're not looking to travel, at a speed we're not ready for. It's an awful lot like that life before, when we tried to be what we thought we should be, what was expected of us. Somehow we have to be self-directed, not let another set of outer expectations guide us.

[CaptLex]

“My god, what have I done?”
I'm going to take a wild stab at it and say that you've brought yourself to a place where you're more comfortable and happier with you. Call it a transition or call it something else - that's up to you. If you're where you want to be (or headed there), that's all that matters. I understand your point about passing the point of no return (that same thought held me back for a while), but you can stop at any point you want, right?

[Ms. Donna]

I don't look at it as a mandate to do anything so yes, I can 'stop when I want' - as there is no 'right' way to be Trans.

But in terms of the implications of what I've done - collectively, it does all pretty much add up to that damn 'T' word.

And if my wife can recognise it as such (in her own way) - I can at least own up to it as well...:o

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[AmberTG]

I would say that you've evolved into a person closer to who you feel you are then you were before. When you say you can't go back, I ask: why would you want to go back to being a person who was unhappy with who they were at the time, a person who was probably unhappy and depressed a lot, frustrated with the life they had, knowing there was a better way to be who they felt they were. There's no reason to evolve any farther if you don't want to, and there's no reason to stop evolving if you feel you need to go further.
There's my 2 cents, anyway
Amber

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Amber,

I suppose it comes down to semantics. But as my friend commented in the same side discussion:
Nothing in discussion is more important than semantics.

Why would I want to ‘go back’? There is really nothing to go back to. But, on an emotional level, there is something comforting about the idea that if this all didn’t ‘work out’, I could get a haircut, a new suit and still ‘be a man’. (Ha! Like that would actually work…) But to have transitioned – as I said, there is a sense of finality to the word as used in the discourse of Transgender – and that is the part that is emotionally unsettling.

The other factor is that while it’s not a word my which wife is likely to use, her observations / comments have amounted to saying as much. She recognizes my need to be ‘out’ about all of this. She knows that I formally approached HR about doing what I’m doing at work. She sees me ‘dressed’ for work – doing my best to look ‘like me’. She knows that after this month, I’ll be more ‘visible’ at work as an out Transperson. And as I said before, it’s reached a point where she thinks of me more as a ‘she’ than a ‘he’.

If that's not transitioning, it’s bloody close to it.

Like I said, it’s semantics. To me, it’s a word reserved for people who identify as something which I do not. It’s not my label, damn it! It shouldn't be sticking to me!

But it is...

And now, no matter how hard I try – I find I’m unable to peel it off. :(

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[AmberTG]

Well, if you've physically changed as much as this discussion implys, than I think you'll have trouble peeling that label off until a new label comes along, although I like the word evolve, even if it's forced evolution.:heehee:

[Ms. Donna]

I like the word evolve, even if it's forced evolution.:heehee:

I like it as well, which is why I tend to use it over transition.

I have a lot of dried glue from old labels - some just never come off completely. I'm ok with the 'transition' label. I kinda have to be as it comes with the territory - at least the part into which I've moved.

Not that I've truly been in that space for a while, it does move me pretty much out of the CD space completely - firmly planting me in the wasteland between TG and TS.

But then, I've been here a while now. Perhaps it's time to start fixing up the place. :)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Tree GG]

would still smell as sweet.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck - even if you call it a dog.

Denial can be very subtle.

I think you've now hit upon a big question/concern of SO GG's that are told after a long term relationship is established. I also remember asking myself, "My God, what has he done", and "where is this going".

I do know that when he refers to himself as TV, with a certain amount of pleasure in his voice, I squirm.

[Ms. Donna]

I think you've now hit upon a big question/concern of SO GG's that are told after a long term relationship is established. I also remember asking myself, "My God, what has he done", and "where is this going".
FWIW, I moved out of the 'CD' space a long time ago. I have identified firmly as Transgender - specifically Genderqueer for the past six plus years.

For me, it's not about denial so much as how I identify. I associate 'transitioning' with a transsexual identity and as such, it implies certain decisions / actions on the part of the individual. I don't (generally) identify as transsexual and as such don't (or at least haven't) see myself as having 'transitioned'.

But as you said, A rose by any other name...

The net net of this is basically transition - in my own personal way.


I do know that when he refers to himself as TV, with a certain amount of pleasure in his voice, I squirm.
Do realize that the notion that one is 'just a crossdresser' can be a fallacy. In many cases, it is the first step along the way to something more. That something need not be identifying as TS, but it is likely to be something more than just a 'CD'. The denial is not something conscious, but rather unconscious - a defense mechanism. It takes time for the mind to process and correlate all the information and break through the wall of denial and for self acceptance to happen. Once that happens, your partner will be in a much better position to 'know' where it is all going.

It's not easy - it never is. Both you and your partner will need to be open to change and be willing to discuss what you are both feeling with regards to all of this. The talks are tough - but the alternatives tougher.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Calliope]

I agree 'transition' is an overdetermined word. Wouldn't 2001: A Space Odyssey have been better if it simply ended during the stargate sequence? Becoming. And, easier said than done (I know), but most of the gender shift is in the head and heart (invisible).