cd-ing takes away the mystery

[jo_ann]

I was listening to the radio, and he was talking about how a woman can drive him crazy just by dangling her shoe at the end of her foot... and then I thought about the things I like seeing on a woman "nylons, high heels, french nails".. and then I realized "hmm.. whenever I crossdress, I notice that I do stare at these parts, as if I'm my own personal dress up doll". Anyone else notice this? anyone find that since they're able to fullfill these desires anytime they want, that they're finding less things attractive about their mates?

[Vivian Best]

Hi Jo an,

You hit something on the head for me. Many of the things my wife does I can do myself and therefore those things I find do not effect me and I would rather do it myself. I still find it sexy and attractive on other women.

Please do not take this to mean I do not love my wife because I do. There are just some things I want and have to do myself.

[suchacutie]

I have to say that I find it exactly the opposite. I think my excursions into femininity enhance my view of my mate.

Please understand that I fall into the "category" of wanting to maintain a place in both genders. I enjoy both genders very much and consider myself totally heterosexual. Those who do not fall into this mindset might not follow my thoughts in this.

Interesting thread!!!

tina

[GG Vanya]

now that's a disturbing thought, from a GG's perspective.

As for me and mine, Trudi has told me it heightens her attention/attraction to the little details of my dressing.

T'would be sad to think crossdressing leads to diminished attraction to one's soul mate. :thumbsdn: :sad:

This somewhat invalidates the adage: Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

[GG Vanya]

I have to say that I find it exactly the opposite. I think my excursions into femininity enhance my view of my mate.

Please understand that I fall into the "category" of wanting to maintain a place in both genders. I enjoy both genders very much and consider myself totally heterosexual. Those who do not fall into this mindset might not follow my thoughts in this.

Interesting thread!!!

tina

Ahhhh there it is, from a CD who walks the same path in the Trans world that Trudi does.

Thank you Tina, I was struggling for the words, you said it well.:happy:

[lacyinsd]

I'm not sure I agree. The things I find attractive about my mate are neither enhanced nor diminished by my crossdressing. The fem time we share and that I enjoy alone are seperate from what you seem to experience. I hope you find a balance.

[jo_ann]

actually I should clarify.. Most of the time my wife does not dress up (tomboy) so I don't even get to see hosiery, or heels.. SOMETIMES I get to see/feel freshly manicured nails, but that's usually it.. so perhaps in reality I do it to fill a void?

[Skyie]

actually I should clarify.. Most of the time my wife does not dress up (tomboy) so I don't even get to see hosiery, or heels.. SOMETIMES I get to see/feel freshly manicured nails, but that's usually it.. so perhaps in reality I do it to fill a void?

I think im the same as that

[Robin Leigh]

This somewhat invalidates the adage: Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

That adage has always been my CDing motto. The more I see girls wearing nice, (stereotypically) feminine clothes, makeup & accessories, the more I want to dress up. And the more I dress up, the more I notice the girly things on the GGs. It's fun & educational. :) The other day I saw a girl in the street wearing what appeared to be the same nailpolish that I currently have on my toenails. I had to stifle a wild impulse to go up & tell her. :)

I really enjoy being dressed & madeup around GGs who also enjoy dressing up & wearing makeup. They know that I'm much more aware of the effort they've made to look good than a non-TG guy would be, and they know that I'll notice all the little details, too.

Robin

[AprilMae]

A good post. My tastes and interests in crossdressing definitely reflect what aspects of femininty appeal to me, and what I look for in a woman. In affects my relationship now in that her style and mine are directly opposite, I am definitely more girlish than she. Perhaps that is why my reinterest in crossdressing coincided with becoming involved in her. i see it as a way to have some of those feminine ideals that she doesn't express. However since I fell out of the closet last year she is strting to come around. She shows me everything she buys to wear, or asks for my opinion, especially in my area in expertise, shoes.

[Elly]

since i started to fade out my male wardrobe i really havent noticed any diminishing interest in my wife's appearance, it's quite the opposite really as she is more masculine than i, and i'm quite a bit more femanine, i like the dainty little clothes and accessories where she seems to like the more loose and larger clothing, i like to wear silk and sattin and she wears loose cotton clothing most of the time though she does dress up herself when we go out for something special like b-days and our anniversary, my dressing seems to affect her arousle to me more than the other way around, every time i try on new clothes she watches me intently, then later at night it's sometimes hard to keep her off of me :D as i usualy sleep in a camisole or something else really soft and satiny...

[Joy Carter]

, my dressing seems to affect her arousal to me more than the other way around, every time i try on new clothes she watches me intently, then later at night it's sometimes hard to keep her off of me :D as i usually sleep in a camisole or something else really soft and satiny...

Elly do bottle what ever that is she has been taking you'd would be a billionaire ! :D

[Melinda G]

I agree totally. When I get all dressed up, and look in the mirror, it takes my breath away. And I'm thinking, who needs women. Putting on high heels, nylons, short dresses, lacy bras, etc, definately de mystifies those things.

http://img380.imageshack.us/img380/361/m15ts9.jpg

[AprilMae]

That's an amazing picture, Melinda. Takes me back to childhood.

[alison4men]

nice pic

[kittypw GG]

I was listening to the radio, and he was talking about how a woman can drive him crazy just by dangling her shoe at the end of her foot... and then I thought about the things I like seeing on a woman "nylons, high heels, french nails".. and then I realized "hmm.. whenever I crossdress, I notice that I do stare at these parts, as if I'm my own personal dress up doll". Anyone else notice this? anyone find that since they're able to fullfill these desires anytime they want, that they're finding less things attractive about their mates?

If this is how you feel then why don't you set your wife free to find someone who finds her attractive and sexy. You obviously are wasting her time and she probably doesn't even know it.

You know, everyday I log on to this forum to find some way to put this right in my brain and be at peace with it and all I get is more evidence that there is no room for a happy hetersexual union between a cd and a gg. This kind of thing just makes me sad and depressed. Why should us so's bother making any effort when you are all you need?????

[GG Vanya]

If this is how you feel then why don't you set your wife free to find someone who finds her attractive and sexy. You obviously are wasting her time and she probably doesn't even know it.

You know, everyday I log on to this forum to find some way to put this right in my brain and be at peace with it and all I get is more evidence that there is no room for a happy hetersexual union between a cd and a gg. This kind of thing just makes me sad and depressed. Why should us so's bother making any effort when you are all you need?????

Saw this one comin'. And I'll bet, even though they may not post, there's plenty of other "trying to accept SO's" who'll be thrown for a loop by this thread. I know for a fact, if Trudi's dressing was leading down a path of her not "needing me" and becoming her "own girlfriend", I'd give her an opportunity to see just how well "her own girlfriend" could become her soul mate~with all the physical and emotional aspects that entails. I'm still being shocked with the eye opening fact that CD's who are sensitive and giving are the exception rather than the rule.

One point that seems to go un noticed: Genetic females have an innate giving heart~hence their nurturing nature. If you truly wish to emulate them, you'll have to learn that trait as well.

Nothing says "man in a dress" more (to me) than a selfish, egotistical, and IMO immature personality.

<whisper> Thanks God, (just in case I haven't told you today) for my Trudi.

[suchacutie]

In the best of all worlds, and I surely feel that's what I have, CDing is one more thing we do together. A relationship is a complicated thing, and one that needs constant communication. My CDing and my mate's interest in that aspect of me creates a closer bond. For me, it has allowed me to be intimately connected with a part of her most men don't get to understand: all those things that women are taught from birth about how to be a women. Dressing is a sensual thing, for sure, but it's a feminine sensuality...HER sensuality. If that doesn't draw one closer to one's mate, in fact if it reverses that situation, there might be other issues involved?

This thread has again brought to mind that I will be sure to tell my GG just how much I appreciate all she does to help my feminine self, and how much in enhances my attraction, mental and physical, to her. I would hope all of us girls do that every chance we get!

just my :2c: !

tina

[AprilMae]

I am sometimes amazed by those that come out, either owmn their or by force, and expect their S?o's to just say OK no problem, and to accept silently any and all things their CD may throw at them in a selfish, "This is me, take it or leave it manner". And then wonder when they choose to leave it.

[Elly]

honesty up front from the beginning is the best thing for this situation, before my wife and i began the courting dance i was up front and told her i was bisexual, i think that is what softened the blow when i told her i felt i was in the wrong body as some kind of cosmic joke on me, my only regret is i waited 2 years into our marrage to tell her i felt i was actualy a woman in mens clothing, as it was worrying her that she was losing me as i seemed to become more distant and disconnected to her and life around me, but it was only my self-destructive mechanisim that triggered when i was trying to fit the mold set forth for males by society and denying myself, the point is if i had been totaly honest from the start i would have saved her a lot of heartache and i think it's that verry same heartache that most GGs suffer when they find out after x ammount of years of commitment that there are still some things they don't know about their SO, a relationship is supposed to be about love, trust, honesty, understanding, & of course a commitment to the other person in your life, when we hide something like this from our SO we ommit trust & honesty from the equation, and i believe that may be what hurts the most...

[Melinda G]

I would be the first to admit, that crossdressing and marriage, mix like oil and water.
I more or less had to come out to my wife, years ago, when she noticed I had shaved my legs. I should have given her some story about wanting to see what it felt like. But I told her about my occasional CDing. She got kind of quiet and didn't say much. Within a few months, I found out she had a boyfriend at work, and within a year, she moved out! Thats why I continue to recommend that you either keep it a secret, or plan on being single. For every SO that accepts it, 10 don't! And many grudgingly accept it temporarily, while they make other plans they aren't telling you about.
In the interest of fair play, I would be the first to admit that I would be totally turned off, if my wife or girlfriend showed up in boots, jeans and sweatshirt, with hairy legs and a butch haircut. Ya gotta look at it from the other persons perspective, and that's why I say CDing and marriage don't mix!

[Elly]

that is sometimes true and that's why i say be honest before actualy dating, cuz if you wanna find that "1 in 10" that does accept it you have to be actively looking for an open, understanding person, you must be honest before dating that way you aren't wasting her time and yours with a load of heartache thrown into the mix, it can work but it works like any other relationship, a relationship is work and work by it's very nature is hard, you can't just throw in the towel at the first sign of things getting difficult otherwise fear, guilt, and denial will run your life, the longer you wait to tell you SO the more devistating the effects may be, i even explained to my wife that the reason i didn't come out before was because i feared she may want a masculine man and leave me the moment i said something, but fortunatealy we're people that take our vows verry seriousely when we said "for better and for worse in sickness and in health" we meant it, sadly in todays world there's not many people that say those vows and actualy mean it, i am not a lucky person by a long shot actualy most of my life i feel like i'm being harshly punished for something i may have done in a past life so i consider my wife a blessing and not luck, she truly has stuck by me in the most difficult of times and i for her as well, negativity only breeds negativity, so let's do try to be positive...

[Sheila]

Elly :hugs:


honesty up front from the beginning is the best thing for this situation
a relationship is supposed to be about love, trust, honesty, understanding, & of course a commitment to the other person in your life, when we hide something like this from our SO we ommit trust & honesty from the equation, and i believe that may be what hurts the most... :iagree: and yes it does

sometimes the trust issue does get worked through, We were lucky :love: was/is our strength but I hope neither of us ever stretches that to breaking point

Jess (so)

[Jasmine Ellis]

hand on heart no. I love my wife and never thought of her less

[Karren H]

Not really.....still love my wife for the same reasons I always have...

Love Karren

[kathy gg]

Well Joann you did open a can of worms.....I will ditto that if my husband felt that "I" was no longer necessary in the sexual admiration/ gratification/ emotional aspect that I bring to the table....well let's just say we would not be together.

If a guy thinks he can be his own girlfriend...well I say best of luck to you and you.

I know you are young Joanne and you seemed {because I have read other posts of yours before} that you married because she said yes and you were not sure anyone else would come along. Never sounded like mad passionate devotional love which can happen when two people really dig each other. trust me when two people are hot for each other pantyhose are the least of your concerns.

If you can't find your wife sexy and exciting and fun au-natural....and you need all this extra fluff to start the engine {as young as you are}.....as Kitty said....isn't it sad that she does not have someone who just finds her attractive no matter what she has on?

I will say that yes it is nice when opportunity arises and I can get dressed up for a special evening out and can wear make up and nice clothing.....and I would think it a bit of false advertising if I was like that when dating and then completely never ever again dressed up at least once a month for a nice dinner out. But do you make sure you give yoru wife opportunities to dress up and have a nice dinner somewhere? If she never was the panty hose and high heel chick to start with and always Ms. Flannel then what is happening now shoudl not be some major surprise. Some women are just not at all into femininity overload. But if she was a bit of a high maintence girl prior to hooking up and now you are married....well she might need a gentle reminder that you still would like her to be that sexy girl you used to date.

I will say if I thought my guy looked at cding as replacing my precense it would diminish my feelings of wanting to get gussied up for him.

And this BS about cding and marriage not mixing....well there are always sad stories....and if you only focus on the negative all you will ever see is the negative. But I think this forum proves when people really love each other and want to respect and cherish each other levels of acceptance can be reached. Not every story has a sad ending!

[ReginaK]

I wouldn't say it takes away the mystery. So many women my age dress down that when I do see one who possesses the "mystery", I greatly appreciate it.

[AprilMae]

A lot of things can not mix with marriage besides crossdressing. Golf, fishing, work, etc. For any marriage to work BOTH parties have to understand and make sacrifices for the other.

"A man is not complete, until he is married. Then he is finished".

[Dragster]

I'm not in Jo Ann's camp either. After 35 years, I still love my wife as she is, dressed down or not. I've encouraged her to wear more sexy (but still tasteful) outfits when we go out, and I don't know whether the recent knowledge of my CD activities is having an effect or not, but she's wearing make-up more often, and has just bought an LBD which is a little shorter and tighter than she usually goes for.
Undressed, she still turns me on, and if she "dressed for bed", I know how I'd react! Then again, if she'd be happy with me dressing for bed too, I'd be in seventh heaven!
Here's an interesting rider. Some time ago, I started looking at GGs more carefully, to find a look I'd like to imitate, and I was getting down to women half my age before I found any. Then I looked more closely at my own wife, and realised she looked better to me than 99.9% of the women her own age! I think I'd been taking her for granted, but I don't any more!

No, I don't want to replace the woman in my life with my CD self, but I wish she was be able to get over her "disgust" for my need to dress "pretty" from time to time.

Tony

[Nike]

I remember once as I saw the feminine staring back the thought... "yeah, I'd do me" :eek:

Vanya and I laughed about that as I told her almost as the thought presented itself. There is no question that there is a level of narcissism in our transgendered community.

I feel at ease, competent and comfortable in my male attire.

I feel pretty, accepted and cared for in feminine attire.

I feel Beautiful, as I am always clothed in her love and affection and I am happy.

[Khriss]

.. dressing fullfilled desires ..never met by real women in our lives ?
or mirrored unrequited ones ?? ..
too simple or complex ..questions??

[Satrana]

This discussion from the GGs reminds me alot of the "independent woman" of the 1980/90s which the feminist movement promoted - a woman who had her own career, was financially and emotionally independent and thus had no need for men in her life. If she wanted babies she could go to sperm bank etc. It was a very disturbing thought from a male viewpoint that men were now supposedly redundant.

Of course it was all a load of nonsense. Everyone needs a partner through life. No man or woman is an island unto themsleves. The "independent woman" never got very far did it! Even women like Germaine Greer who said she never wanted to be in a relationship with a man ended up married.

As far as the initial point about demystifying the feminine traits then yes by wearing these clothes ourselves we no longer see these images as magical in themselves. And if your partner is not into feminine clothing then you are indeed making up for that deficit with your own dressing.

How this means that your relationship is somehow weakened by this is beyond me. This is like saying if your wife knows how to fix a car then somehow the marriage is in trouble? Seems to me that some people just want to find things to fear about crossdressing.

[Sheila]

read the posts yesterday evening, was in the middle of replying to them but got distracted by an IM. Which was probably just as well, cos yesterday was not one of the good days.

However that was yesterday and today is today and I/we are back to normality(whatever the heck that is :D ) in our home thanks to a couple of the really "normal cdr's", you know the ones ----- they can balance the cding in their life with their SO's (accepting or not), their family, friends, jobs and even the IN/OUT laws :D they see far and beyond themselves, and their CDING ---- and while maybe, they have a life that is a bit more comlicated than the self absorbed ones ------- (you will recognise them by their I don't give a darn about how others think or feel it is, me, me and me that is important),---- to the "normal cdr's" THANKYOU for making this road as easy as possible for those who CHOOSE to share this road with you with our varing acceptance levels .

To the self absobed ones:Pfft: how:sad: no wonder so many of your partners are at their :witsend: I would wish you luck but apparently you don't need it you need only to be by yourself to enjoy ------- a word of warning though "be careful what you wish for because you might just get it"


:gh:for those that appreciate the company on the road.

To Dh remember what we discussed about that big old CD HOOK, any problems we have my love I refuse to hang them on there unless they are caused by that, in general hun from my part that hook is gonna be pretty empty cos the ups and downs we have are usually to do with the man in you and the woman in me ---- and that's normal (darn there I go using the N word again)

Right I is now gonna take the walk to Virginia's woodshed:sad: :p

Jess(so)

[kittypw GG]

Seems to me that some people just want to find things to fear about crossdressing.

I can appreciate your point Satrana and you had me in the begining. But You have only made 71 post to date and the longer you are here you will find that you don't have to go out looking for things to fear about crossdressing, its right in your face.

[Erica007]

I still love my wife and still see her the same way I always have and still get turned on seeing pics of sexy women dressed in sexy lingerie. Nothing will ever change that.

[Deidra Cowen]

Well...I don't have a wife or even a GF right now so I can't comment on that part of it.

But in a general sense I really think I appreciate GGs even more now. When I see a very attractive GG I now not only lust a bit but I appreciate them almost as a work of art! :p Ok that sounds silly, but think about how hard we work on makeup, hair, cloths, exersise, the list goes on. GGs have to do all that too....esp once they get in their 30s. So the moral of the story is when I see an attractive GG esp one around my age I really am attracted to them!

[TeriAnn]

I have been a crossdresser for many years and even though I can't pass in public I still love to dress for my wife. We have a loving caring relationship, and nothing could break us apart. In my way of thinking there is room for a very meaningful healthy and strong relationship between a cder and a GG. I did not tell mt wife about my cding until 2005 but she has been very accepting and helps me to pick out things that I might like. Until recently she left the shoes up to me but now she has taken an interest in that as well.
I love my wife very much and would not let anything come between us. We will grow old together and I will go on as a cder as long as I am able. My wife has no problem with what I do and I love her very much for doing so.
TeriAnn:D

[WendyCD]

anyone find that since they're able to fullfill these desires anytime they want, that they're finding less things attractive about their mates?

I understand your point - is that true for you?

I can't, and wouldn't want, to fufill these desires whenever I want. When I save my sexual, sensual, feminine desires for my wife, it's fireworks!! If the nylon clad foot rubs its heels up against me, and it belongs to my wife, wow! Better, so much better, then being *alone*, wearing them myself. If I've been too selfish and go in the closet too often, I get feeling isolated from the one I love. That SUCKS.

She knows I like feminine things. She knows I have to walk a little differently when we go out shopping together and cruise the lingerie section, lest I show a physical response... "do you like these?" holding some panties up - if she buys them - they are for her - and that's ok, she has found a way for us to connect and share - we have other ways too...old movies and some new - swing period movies (and music - Diana Krall - that's sexy!!), watching "What not to Wear" together, taking quizzes and reading "Glamour" together... None of these activities involve me dressing, if I had to choose, well, I'd take this over dressing anyday. And she's more attractive to me all the time, especially when together alone.

The mystery??? We've been married 22 years.... Maybe it's been replaced by the MAGIC!

ATTENTION - lurkers who stay in the closet, who love their SO's - speak up!!

[kittypw GG]

The mystery??? We've been married 22 years.... Maybe it's been replaced by the MAGIC!
Thanks Wendy, you have sparked a ray of hope into my sad soul. Your wife is lucky to have someone who would say something like this about your marriage. :hugs:

[Robin Leigh]

To all the supportive GGs.

If your CD doesn't treat you like the Goddess you are, tell him there's plenty here who will. :D

Robin

[Stacy GG]

Elly do bottle what ever that is she has been taking you'd would be a billionaire ! :D
You want to bottle me? wow ^^ I feel special now:o

[Rachel Morley]

I can see how some people might find that getting more involved with feminine things like bras and panties etc would (somewhat) take the mystery out of them. But to actually have one's crossdressing somehow replace a need for something that you were previously getting from your wife or girlfriend, well that just doesn't compute as far as I'm concerned. :bonk:

So ok, I can look at my stockinged legs in high heels and think to myself yeah they look quite good and fairly feminine, and being a heterosexual person I'm attracted to women but that doesn't mean I'm going to find my own legs so sexy that I want them more than I want my wife's. To me that just doesn't make any sense. The only thing I can think of is that people who think like this are perhaps being very "male" in their attitude, meaning that they are more visually stimulated when it comes to what they find attractive than others.

One other thing, and I know this might not apply to everyone, you have to "speak as you find" but crossdressing really has enhanced my marriage. Admittedly my wife likes a feminine man, but the extra love and closeness that has happened because of me getting "involved in her world"....the feminine world, has helped me understand her better and understanding always helps any relationship.

[CoachTomXXX]

CDing makes fems and their lingere, etc., LESS interesting??? This is certainly a [I]non sequitor[I], if not a direct contradiction. We are stimulated by things feminin...that's why we wear them.

As for marriage and CDing not mixing....NONSENSE! My sexy wife started me CDing...dressing me in her sexy underthings. She was turned on herself when I began buying my own lingere. My CDing is OUR thing! ...not my thing alone.

[EricaCD]

Wha????

That's like saying that as an amateur guitarist I should stop liking Hendrix, Van Halen, or for that matter any professional just because I can jam out a basic riff. On the contrary! I would argue that my limited abilities permit me to appreciate their fantastic talents even more. Just so as a crossdresser: my ability to alter my appearance allows me both to appreciate the inherent beauty of women - and to truly be stunned by the extraordinary aspect of a woman who then turns herself out in her most beautiful manner.

My best day as a CD does not match the beauty and grace of an average woman who wakes up, shakes her hair out of her face and just stands up to stretch. To suggest otherwise would be to insult our very senses.

Erica

[Lisa Golightly]

I dress in things I find attractive, and hopefully other people think I look attractive in.

As for gals... Well I like them naked and snuggled up so I can bury my nose in the scent of their skin... Clothes need not apply.

[brina_cd]

If this is how you feel then why don't you set your wife free to find someone who finds her attractive and sexy. You obviously are wasting her time and she probably doesn't even know it.

You know, everyday I log on to this forum to find some way to put this right in my brain and be at peace with it and all I get is more evidence that there is no room for a happy hetersexual union between a cd and a gg. This kind of thing just makes me sad and depressed. Why should us so's bother making any effort when you are all you need?????

I wouldn't give my wife up for anything, which is why I have no "stash," having purged it over 2 years ago. As far as finding one's SO less attractive because they are fulfilling their own fantasies, I suspect that it was a marriage joined for all the wrong reasons. My (non-op TS) father married and had children because that was what he was "supposed to do" as a "straight" male airman. (He was born in the late 30's, and was advised to go into the service by his priest because that would "straighten him out" -- ha!)

I would give my left arm for an accepting wife. However, I wouldn't give up my current wife for anything. We're complementary opposites. (There's a reason opposites attract.)

[AprilMae]

Perhaps the original question is a way of rationalizing. Maybe she is beginning to realize her sexual preferences lay elsewhere, or maybe she doesn't wan't to remain married to that particular person anymore.

[Glenda Grant]

Jo Ann, Sounds like the J Micheal Bailey's theory of Autogynephilia would apply


http://www.transsexual.freeserve.co.uk/autogynephilia.htm

[WendyCD]

Your wife is lucky to have someone who would say something like this about your marriage. :hugs:

Thanx for your kind words. I am the lucky one.

It does take a lot of love to keep relationships strong and intact, especially when there are issues that seem unresolvable and were unforseen.

WendyCD

[jo_ann]

Autogynephilia would apply

I'm scared to admit this could be the case.. I really don't CD that much (seems to come in a wave of a week, then goes away for a few months). I'm finding myself wanting to have sex less, I'm worried that my relationship is going to turn into "buddies", which is completely unfair to my wife. We've already accepted the idea of swinging (which we've both taken part in). I almost feel as if I owe that to her. it's not fair to cut her off while she's in her prime. anytime I fantasize, it's usually about me (transforming, already a woman, etc.). My wife is pretty accepting, but sometimes I can't talk to her because I don't even know what I want or who I am.

A lot of people say it's a gift, but I sometimes wonder if it's not a curse. It complicates things so much more.

[jo_ann]

Ok I read this page and it scares the crap out of me:
http://www.annelawrence.com/agfaqs.html#14


What do you mean when you say that autogynephilic eroticism poses an existential dilemma?

We autogynephilic proto-transsexuals must eventually confront the fact that the strongest feelings we know are tied to fantasies of being someone we are not. The emotions and desires that make us feel most alive seem as though they can never be actualized or expressed. The love and pride we should feel for our own bodies are absent: at worst, our bodies disgust us; at best, they are unsatisfactory, and make us long for something different. Our attempts at intimacy are undermined by the fact that who we seem to be to others is vastly different from our idealized internal selves, which ache to be touched and loved and genuinely seen.

Our choices are unenviable. Trying to accommodate or compartmentalize our paraphilia sometimes works, at least for a while. Many strategies are available, and most of us try several. Crossdressing can be exhilarating, although it provides little lasting comfort to those of us who desperately want female bodies. Putting ourselves in all-male surroundings can temporarily facilitate our denial or repression by removing the reminders of who we desire to be. Throwing ourselves into our work, our hobbies, or our art provides satisfaction of a kind, and helps us forget what stirs us most. Habitual resort to fantasy in sexual situations is tempting, since it provides us with a brief respite from our unhappy reality. But continual retreat into fantasy inevitably leads to shame. It also precludes real connection to others, and results in isolation, emptiness and despair. Still, many of us never even consider our other option, transitioning; or if we consider it, we do not go forward. We let our dreams languish. That is the safe choice, the easy choice. It is the choice that lets us keep our families, our possessions, and our reputations. If the price we pay is constant longing or emotional deadness, we can at least console ourselves that many others around us are paying the same price, in their own way. That is the choice I made for thirty years -- and it would have been frighteningly easy to have kept on making that same choice for thirty more.

But, thanks to medical technology and our time in history, we autogynephiles do have another choice. We can honor our strongest feelings by essentially rebuilding our lives around our paraphilia. It is our peculiar blessing that we are able to do so -- most paraphilias do not really permit this option. The practical problems are, of course, huge. If we try to live as women, we risk losing everything: our friends, our jobs, our families and our reputations. The discrepancy between the bodies we can construct and the bodies we desire is frequently a source of disappointment. But the greatest problem we face is that, in most cases, we must create our womanhood from the ground up. To make our transitions work, we must try to become women, or the best facsimile we can create. It's much like learning a second language as an adult: difficult, time-consuming, and often frustrating. But it has to be done. It is the labor of a lifetime; and although we may become fluent in our second language, we rarely lose our accents, or pass as native speakers. But if we persist, we earn -- at least in my opinion -- the right to call ourselves women.

Although our losses are often great, the rewards for our efforts are many. The most obvious of these is that we can give expression to our most intense feelings: we get to move through life feeling truly alive. Part of this, undeniably, is the palpable sexual frisson we feel when we see our own images, or when someone treats us as the women we have always wished to be. Part of it is the satisfaction of knowing that we have actively created our lives, and have not been mere passive victims of a fate we did not choose. And beyond this, we get to live as women, which is its own reward. Many of us find that it is better and richer than we ever could have dreamed. It becomes our entrance ticket to true humanity. It is so good that it becomes easy for us to forget the path by which we came. Many of us do forget.

So that is our choice: to live safe, respectable lives and lose our souls; or to honor our strongest feelings and risk losing everything else, in pursuit of self-made womanhood. That is our existential dilemma.

the first part is me, to a tee.. then it starts talking about the only solution is sometimes transitioning (becoming that woman we think about all the time), and that's where it ends. I have little desire to become a woman. I don't want to be more isolated than I already am (isolated inside, don't want to be isolated on the outside), I have no desire to have surgery, have no desire to live full-time in any manner. it's as if I'm happy as a male in every respect (being able to work with my hands, being strong, being simple, creating things), until it comes to sex, then I'm completely confused about who I am or what I want to be or who I want to be with.