Tell it To My Heart

[Marla GG]

This is a piece that I wrote earlier this week for my blog and am cross-posting here because a few friends thought it might be of use to some of our members. I know a lot of you are well-versed in the art of communicating with your SOs and don't need any pointers, but for those who are struggling....well, there is nothing quite as effective as words that come from the heart.


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Tell it To My Heart: When Talking to Your SO, Focus on Feelings


“When my husband Brad came out to me about his crossdressing, he must have given me a dozen reasons why I should accept it,” says Claire, a physician’s assistant in her mid-forties who has been married to Brad for ten years. “He talked about how men historically wore wigs and tights, and how prior to this century, little boys used to wear girls’ clothing up until the age of five. I remember him saying that women wear pants, so it should be okay for men to wear skirts too. I just sat there feeling numb. I couldn’t argue with his logic, but inside I was screaming: what is going to happen to our marriage?”

There are many excellent arguments that can be made in defense of crossdressing, and in the years I’ve spent getting to know crossdressers and their partners, I think I must have heard them all. What’s more, I agree with most of them: what rational person wouldn’t? Our culture’s taboos against male to female cross-gender expression make no sense at all when examined under the harsh light of reason. But regardless of how clever or persuasive these arguments might be, one thing is certain: playing the logic card is not likely to help you in your quest to gain acceptance from your significant other. Facts and evidence may win you points in a public debate, but in a relationship, it’s feelings that count.

For most women, finding out that their husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser is an emotional bombshell. Claire explains, “I was in shock. I felt bewildered, betrayed, frightened. Everything I thought I knew about my husband was suddenly in question. What I needed to know from him was what this meant for me, for us. Why did he feel the need to dress in women’s clothes? Was I not woman enough for him? Was he interested in men? Was he going to leave me? These were the questions I needed answered. Even now, years later, I still need reassurance sometimes.”

I think most crossdressers understand that their partners struggle with acceptance primarily on an emotional, rather than an intellectual, level. But some still make the mistake of thinking that if only they could somehow “prove” that what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, their wife or girlfriend would have to accept it. In fact, most women’s problems with crossdressing have nothing to do with the belief that it is “wrong.” Although some may voice religious or moral objections, their real concerns usually lie elsewhere. In order to help your partner resolve her emotional issues, you will need to find out what her specific fears are, and exactly what it is about your dressing that makes her uncomfortable.

It is never a good idea to try to “win” an argument with your partner, particularly when the emotional stakes are high. When there is conflict, both parties should focus on empathizing with the other and reaching a mutual understanding – not on proving who is right and who is wrong. And yet I still come across well meaning, but ultimately destructive advice like this on internet crossdressing forums:


EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO SAY


"Remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are men’s. So why should she mind you wearing women’s things once in a while?"

"I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfriends. Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? A thong is a thong!"

"The Romans were wearing togas and the Scotsmen were wearing kilts long before modern women were wearing skirts. Has she ever seen Braveheart? How about Troy? Ask her why is it okay for Mel Gibson and Brad Pitt to wear skirts, but you can’t?"

"Tell her that many major sports stars shave their bodies. It is not unusual for a man to be hair-free these days."

"A lot of male pop stars wear makeup and feminine styles. Go through her music collection and show her how many of her favorite CDs have images of crossdressed men on the cover."

"Remind her that there are a lot of worse things you could be into – like gambling, drinking, or cheating on her. Maybe she will realize that she should be counting her blessings."

"Point out to her that in the animal kingdom, it’s the males who have the bright colors and fancy plumage to attract a mate. Why should it be any different for humans?"


By contrast, my advice is: ask her how she is feeling and what is making her feel that way, and go from there. Is she worried that the children will find out? Is she afraid that your job will be at risk? Is she feeling resentful about the time your crossdressing takes away from the family? Is she irritated that you buy more clothes than she does? Is she finding it hard to relate to you when you’re in girl mode? Is she feeling threatened by the fact that you chat to other T-girls online? Is she concerned that you might want to start taking hormones or feminizing your body?

If you approach the subject like a debate, you will never encourage her to open up about what’s really bothering her; but once you start discussing the root cause of her feelings about your dressing, you can work on finding a solution together. Logical arguments have their place, but when it comes to healing a rift in your relationship, there is no substitute for a heart-to-heart talk.

© 2006 Marla Morley

[Maria2004]

This was pretty good. The one bit I liked the most was "ask her how she is feeling and what is making her feel that way, and go from there". Works both ways.

Peace.

[windycissy]

Marla,

This is sound advice, thanks for sharing your insights into what a woman is thinking when her man confesses his secret...it opened my eyes.

Windy

[Clare]

Sage advice Marla.

A thought though. Many of those who do tell their SO's (or are discovered) are usually so confused, worried and nervous about the outcome from the revelation, that they are not all that rational at the time themselves!

We see lots of advice here in the forum about preparing with books (My Husband Betty), articles of info, this website and so forth. Perhaps all this should play second fiddle to your approach. Once the SO is past "running out the door screaming" and you've had the empathic talks about specific concerns, maybe then would be the best time to expand the SO's knowedge and awareness of crossdressing by giving her additional materials.

Dropping the crossdressing bombshell and handing literature to the SO so she could figure it all out never made sense to me in the first instance!

[Joy Carter]

Rational ? I scarcely see the need myself alone rationalize it. I'm me and I can't deny Joy any longer. The arguments about dressing through history holds no water to me and not her ether. But then again the first time I saw her in a dressed down mode she had on a pair of men's jeans. We are still in the emotional stage and we have not kissed or touched each other for a week (not like us). Last night was the first smile I have seen on her face all week. I hate this so much what I'm doing to her but I hate what I have done to my self since I can remember. She has given me all the reasons like "What are the kids going to say ? " You will get arrested." What if your boss finds out? " I don't like it." " I don't want to see you that way." I'm not taking this light but at the same time I'm moving ahead. Wish me luck. :o


Just A CD Joy Cater

[Raychel]

You are a very wise woman Marla, As usual another great post.

[Deidra Cowen]

Thats a beautifully written and very well thought out essay/arty! :thumbsup:

[Rachel Morley]

Fabulous post darling :happy: Any help and advice a person can get on what their SO might be thinking and feeling before they "have the talk" has got to put them in a better postion to make for a more successful outcome.

[Shelly Preston]

Thank you Marla

I am sure the comments in you post will be invaluable to some

Quality advice is always welcome

[EricaCD]

This is a terrific post.

One minor additional thought: My guess is that when a CD starts off with these justifications/rationales, he is also trying to persuade himself that his crossdressing is ok. Bear in mind that the "coming out" talk (whether planned or unplanned) also forces CDs to confront the simple reality of their crossdressing more openly than they are probably used to. So I think a big part of the allure to this approach is that it is also self-justifying!

That said, I couldn't agree more that CDs really need to resist that temptation! The first "coming out" discussion really needs to be focused on your SO - and if that means candidly admitting that you are still dealing with your own issues with regard to your crossdressing, so be it. (She's going to figure that out in short order anyway...)

Anyways, thanks again for such a great post!

Erica

[JenniferMint]

"Tell her that many major sports stars shave their bodies. It is not unusual for a man to be hair-free these days."

A little off-topic question here: If a (normal non-CD) man wanted to be hair-free, how much trouble would his wife typically give him about it?

[Barb Valentine]

Good reading
Thanks for sharing

[Vivian Best]

Hi Marla,

Well thought out and very good advice! I know it was a bombshell when I told my wife. I know she was scared, confused, mad, irrational and every other adjective that can be used to describe that state of mind.

I know for a fact I wasn't prepared for her response and didn't have a clue as to how to handle it. Time has passed and things have smoothed over and she knows the things that are NOT going to happen. However, I think she still needs the emotional assurance that these things if fact will not happen. I intend to continue to explore her feelings and help address them.

Again thanks for your insight.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Wonderful advice Marla!
Kudos!
Kew

[kathy gg]

Hey woman! What an awesome slant on an often misunderstood topic! I thought it was great!

[Dragster]

Great insight and great advice Marla; just what we've come to expect form you!
As you know, I've been finding it very difficult to argue with the "It's disgusting. I just think it's disgusting" I've been getting from my wife since I told her, but there's one or two pointers here that I can try,to get her to open up with what's really bothering her. Maybe she doesn't want to be specific because that will give me a target to aim at, so I'll be prepared for that and concentrate on getting to the root of her feelings. I've got nothing to lose from where I am, and lots to gain.

Thanks for your advice......again!
Tony

[Di]

Fantastic advice....spot on.

[Stephanie Kay]

Nicely stated, Marla. Thank you!:love:

[Khriss]

.. yersocool !!!!:happy: :D xx"K"

and Pming You ..did'nt work...
I'f I've offended You or Angel in any way ?
I apologise...completely ...

[Marla GG]

Thanks so much, everyone, for your feedback. :hugs:

I've had a couple of PMs asking me where I got those examples of "rational" arguments; would you believe they came from this very forum? Yep. And they weren't the silliest ones I could have used, either. I left out the one from the member who insisted that wearing makeup as a CD was no different from painting your face at a football game. :raisedeyebrow:

Clare: you bring up a good point. I do think, personally, that giving your SO some articles to read, or some informational websites and online support groups to visit, is a good idea. A lot of the fear that we initially feel is due to not knowing anything about crossdressing and transgender issues, and being more educated about the subject helps so much. It is only a problem when the crossdresser uses the literature as a substitute for actually talking about his own feelings -- which should be the primary focus.

Joy: I do wish you luck. I know that it isn't easy. In a way, time is your most valuable ally....because the more your wife realizes that the world isn't coming to end, the more she is likely to make peace with your dressing....but that can't happen overnight. If she loves you and understands that you need to do this in order to be yourself and be happy, she will eventually find a way to accept it. At least I hope so.

Erica: well said, as always. I agree that a lot of these rationalizations sound like things a person would tell himself in an attempt to relieve the guilt that stems from doing something society deems wrong. But obviously justifications like these don't really lead to self-acceptance -- to make any progress on that front, you have to first and foremost be honest with yourself.

JenniferMint: Interesting question! I don't really know the answer. I have always disliked body hair myself but there are plenty of women who find it a turn-on, and I honestly don't know how they would feel about being married to a pro cyclist or swimmer who removes his hair for the sport, or even a regular guy who just prefers to be hair-free. My guess is that it is more threatening when it is part of the CD package. Why don't you post the question in a separate thread and see what people say?

Tony: I tend to think that your wife does have other fears and feelings buried under the "I just don't like it" thing. She may not even be in touch with them herself. But you are right in wanting to keep exploring until you find out what is really bothering her. It is possible that just being able to verbalize those things will help her come to terms with them. Keep listening and keep talking.

Khriss: thank you honey :koc: Offend me? Are you kidding? I am pretty difficult to offend. You would have to work long and hard at it! I did get your PMs by the way. So no worries :happy:

[mysteryhorn57]

From what I have read, the SO resents the secrets more than the actual dressing.
I am ending a 24 year marriage, partially because my secret life was taking its toll. Early in our marriage I had a strong pantyhose / lingerie fetish. I think my wife got scared when I seemed a little "too into it". After 8 years, I decided to go for the full femme presentation, totally in secret.
16 years in the closet, the secret life, the guilt, all took its toll. There were other problems in the marriage, but my dressing up certainly contributed a "I just do not want to be married" mindset.
I am starting a whole new life in a distant city. Very scary at age 48. If I ever start dating, I will go with full disclosure early on. The closet just got to be too confining.

Had I found this site or a similar support system earlier, or had more emotional maturity, things may have been different.

[Barb Valentine]

You know Marla with all this great insight
If you owned a Liquor/Gun store you'd be the perfect woman:heehee:
:hugs:
Barb

[linnea]

Wonderful advice, Marla. Thank you so much. I was also inspired and helped by many of the comments to Marla's post, particularly the point about self-discovery made by EricaCD. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[silkrose]

Hi,

Much of the "coming out to spouse" ideas seem to be make assumptions about the GG spouse - that the relationship is, for lack of a better word, "typical".

What if the spouse is on the extreme end of either:

1. A highly sexed lady who married a stud in bed - how might she feel if the husband confessed to xdressing and desiring to present as a female? or,

2. A wife who has not much interest in sex - how might she feel - as a cross dressing spouse might come accross as a pervert as much as a disappointment.

For the average couple, the wealth of writings on the topic is there to support any coming out dialogue - but what about the possible irrepairable damage to the fundamental sexual relationship and hence the relationship as a whole?

[swiss_susan]

A very well written and well thought out piece. Thanks Marla

[noname]

I just sat there feeling numb. I couldn’t argue with his logic.

At least the person was honest.

[Janelle Young]

I do believe that this post is the best bit of wisdom I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing Marla.

[MarieTS]

Wonderful words, Marla. The emphasis is right where it needs to be, on her. But, what if the complications and spousal fears referenced towards the end of the Thread do exist, i.e., the desire to progress to advanced feminization, hormones, etc.? How can those concerns be honestly addressed without creating too much hurt? In such instances is it better to withhold for awhile, and then gradually get to that level of comfort, if possible? And if so, does that secrecy become even more damaging, or do you see it as merciful?
I know,Marla, these are weighty matters. But nonetheless they are matters some will have to deal with, and therefore worthy of your discussion and insights.
Thanks for all you do,

[wifeofsissy GG]

Well said Marla. Thinking back, I must admit, my reaction was "am i not good enough for you","are you interested in men""are you gay", " are you are leaving me" more so than the actual "act" of dressing.

[Robin Leigh]

What an excellent post, Marla.


but what about the possible irrepairable damage to the fundamental sexual relationship and hence the relationship as a whole?

I'm sure this is important for a lot of CDs that don't tell their SO before marriage. I've read several posts here that mentioned that the wives were so sickened by the CDing that they could no longer feel sexual attraction for their husband, even years after. :( I don't know how such relationships survive. I've even been thinking of running a poll to get an idea of how common this is.

Robin

[Marla GG]

First off, my apologies for not always responding to your comments and questions immediately; I do make a point of following up on threads that I start, but I am not able to visit here every day. All of your contributions have certainly made this a much better thread, and I am grateful to all who responded.

Mysteryhorn57: Thanks for sharing your experience. I am really sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, but as you say, your crossdressing may not have made much difference to the outcome. Starting a new life is scary, but full of possibilities and chances to do things differently. I wish you well.

Silkrose: I am not sure what difference a spouse's sex drive would make to her ability to be accepting. I know of quite a few women who say that sex is much better and more frequent since their husband came out to them, and I have met a few who say the exact opposite. I guess I don't really see how having an unusually high or low libido would affect her reaction one way or the other, since the issues surrounding crossdressing in a relationship go way beyond the bedroom. In any case, most "coming-out" advice is meant to apply to a broad range of people and situations. The important thing is to be honest in expressing your emotions and desires, and sensitive in listening to hers. Every woman is different, and we all have different reactions to this, so any advice you may read has to be tempered by your own knowledge of your partner and your relationship. In other words, your mileage may vary.

Marie TG: I am glad you brought this up; it is an important point, even if it goes somewhat beyond the scope of this thread. In relationships where a transgendered partner has a desire to progress beyond part-time crossdressing, I think that honesty is especially important. If you already know that you will eventually want/need to live as a woman or make permanent changes to your body, then you really owe it to your partner to tell her that this is a possibility. You are right in pointing out that this will create hurt, but I don't think it is avoidable under these circumstances. I really advise against gradual disclosure, for numerous reasons. It might seem more merciful, but actually, it is very stressful and anxiety-provoking to reach a level of acceptance and then find out that there is more...and more...and more. Also, although it makes me sad to say this, the reality is that about 90% of relationships won't survive when one partner transitions. This means that to be fair to your spouse, you need to give her as much time to sort out her options and prepare for her future (which may not include you) as possible. Anything else would be unethical in my opinion. Now, I am not saying that you have to bring everything to the table in the very first conversation, but I am saying that it is wrong to keep your partner in the dark for any length of time if you are making plans to take hormones or other steps towards transitioning. As hard as it is, she has a right to know. What would you want, if the situation were reversed? :hugs: Thanks again for asking such a good question.

Robin Leigh: I think the number of women who are actually "sickened" to that degree by their partner's dressing is quite small. Yes, there are some who just can't, or won't, even try to accept; but I really do believe that most can and do, given time and support. In a lot of cases where the marriage fails, I feel it's usually due to other problems.

[VickyTan_81]

When I told my SO, I did think about rationalizing my CDing to her but finally decided that it was unwise and I should focus on her feelings instead. Previously, I was still unsure about my decision but after reading your article, I'm so glad I did. Thanks!

[CDLauraNJ]

Thank you for the sound information and very informative post. What you are saying is very consistent with the way my wife feels. It has taken a long time for us to even be able to talk openly about my crossdressing. A very difficult subject for everyone involved. Thanks again.

[samantha#1]

Thanks Marla, I am off to have a chat.
Samantha

[ubokvt]

I am very early in the process of coming out to my wife so when I read your post and the threads it was like some one was observing what was happening in my relationship. So I got my wife made her sit down next to me and we read it and all the threads to gather and then we talked and talked and are still talking but its very comforting for both of us to know we are not alone, that the feelings and fears are "normal" and they can be delt with. to those that wrote back your threads were of unbelieaveable help. Thank you. Through it all I we learned somuch about ourselves and where the other was at. I hope other write back on this it really helps.