decision approaching fast!

[jamie_44]

My wife attended my last therapy session and gave great input into my situation. She really liked my therapist and it went well. As always happens, you really get going on a discussion and then you run out of time. Anyway I have been floating around in middle ground (not really male and not female yet either) for a couple years. Not fair to my wife and I am really not being honest with myself. I talk with my wife about my situation almost daily, like I want her to make the decision to transition for me. My therapist said it is time to "crap or get of the pot". Meaning I have to make the decision soon on where I am going with all this. She told me to stop talking about it with my wife and it is my decision alone to make. So last night while trying to sleep I kept running over things in my tiny little brain. Like- what will I gain, will I truly be happy?, how much I'll miss my wife who I love dearly, what about the kids?, parents? etc etc etc. Not a restful night. Anyway I apologize for rambling but I would love to her from others that have been or are presently dealing with the same story.
Hugs

[Eileen]

Jamie this is a big one, quite likely the biggest one you will ever make! Oh if only there was a simple answer. I am going through much the same thing at this time in my life. There are so many what if this and what if that to be considered!

Only you know how you feel and if you can be happy if you decide to continue on with life as it is now. We must realize, no matter what we decide, life will always have its problems. We will have to deal with them no matter what we decide! I am not happy with things as they are now, but will I be happy enough if I decide to live as a woman. There will be many problems and much adjustments to be made if I decide to become the person I feel I am inside. My situation is different, in that I am widdowed and the children are grown.

You have my support in what ever decision you make. It will not be easy.

Eileen

[claireswife-gg]

Well, I'm not going through what you are (being a GG), but Claire is a small step ahead of you I guess, as she has definately decided that she can't turn back. She suppressed her TG nature for 35 years as much as she could, but now that the door has been opened and the green light given I can tell you there's no turning back. I do think you have to come to grips with preparing for losing everything and everyone, and then see if you still want to do this, because it certainly doesn't seem like an easy road for anyone, even with support. But living and existing are two different things, and you only get one trip.

I assume when you say you'll miss your wife that your wife has decided not to stay if you change? I know it's not going to be an easy journey even in our case. I am very comfortable with Claire's change and I know we'll survive it, but Claire had to finally admit that even if I left, she would still do this. That made me relax a lot, because I knew she'd be ok if a stray meteor took me out. I guess maybe that's the litmus test you have to do - the "no matter the cost" reality that you might indeed have to do this alone. But I know that my spouse was slowly dying inside, and it tore me up because I never knew what was causing the pain and depression. We're both so much happier now, her because she's finally set herself free, and me because I finally see life in this soul I love so much. I fell in love with the "essence of Claire" as our therapist called it, and a body is just the wrapping paper. I'm looking forward to forever with her.

:hugs:

[ClaireJ]

Jamie, no one can make this decision for you. This is one of the hardest choices that you can NOT make. I realized I did not have a choice, it was not a matter of choosing to be male or female. It was realizing I had to finally accept that I just needed to be me.

It's not the clothes, the make up, the seemingly never ending ritual of chemicals & razor blades. It's much deeper than that. I guess it's kind of like being born and realizing your alive.

I think of all the time that has been wasted in my life, that I will never get back when I should have opened up to myself and accepted who I was.

I am not dead anymore
I am alive
I am woman
I am Claire

[GypsyKaren]

You have to decide how much you're willing to give up in order to be who you are. That being said, there's no law that says you have to go all the way, in fact most don't. I live as a woman full time, and I will be staying a non-op because that's what works for me and my wife. The bottom line is I don't want to lose her, so I've compromised...life is full of compromises. I am going to start HRT soon, however, because I do feel that something's missing and I want to see if that's it, plus I want to at least experience it, but I will be staying non-op. Perhaps you can give that a try and see if it works for you?

Karen

[Calliope]

You have to decide how much you're willing to give up in order to be who you are. That being said, there's no law that says you have to go all the way, in fact most don't. I live as a woman full time, and I will be staying a non-op because that's what works for me [...]

Sounds like it's time for you and not the therapist to make the next decision. A step. Since it's a process which takes time and since gender is such a continuum, there will be time in the future to backtrack if need be.

[AmberTG]

I think it's all good advice given here. I'm at the same crossroad in my life, I intend to cintinue down this road farther then I am now. I don't know how far I'll end up going, but I'll know when I get there. who knows, I might someday decide to go past that point also. I don't see myself getting complete SRS for a couple of reasons, but I want to get to the point where I could make that decision if I chose to. I may never live my life completely full time, I can be androgenous at work and be happy, but that's just me.
I think you'll find your comfort zone, but as was already said, you'll have to decide what you're willing to trade for where you want to be, and how far you need to go to be happy.
Amber

[CaptLex]

I have been floating around in middle ground (not really male and not female yet either) for a couple years. Not fair to my wife and I am really not being honest with myself. I talk with my wife about my situation almost daily, like I want her to make the decision to transition for me. My therapist said it is time to "crap or get of the pot". Meaning I have to make the decision soon on where I am going with all this. She told me to stop talking about it with my wife and it is my decision alone to make.
Okay, I understand that your wife needs to know where she stands in all this, so I guess that's why you need to decide (and I agree that it should ultimately be your decision). What worries me is that the therapist is telling you that you have to decide now. Why? What if you're not ready? What if you still need to work out, process and sort things through before you can be sure - and you should be really, really sure. Some things can be reversed, and some things can't. Also, who says that "floating around in middle ground" isn't what's right for you and where you want to be?

My therapist told me it could take a long time to reach my decision, but he was confident that by talking and thinking things through I would eventually get there - and that no one could make the decision but me. And if I had decided not to go one route or the other (but stay somewhere in the middle), that would have been okay too.

Do you feel pressured by time? Or do you feel you're doing your wife/family an injustice by not deciding yet? I just hope you're not rushing into anything because you feel the clock ticking. And I hope you don't feel that you have to take one particular road or the other - sometimes you need to carve out your own path. Good luck to you.

[jamie_44]

Thanks everybody for your feedback, I greatly appreciate it. I am not feeling rushed to make a decision but I really need to focus so we can go on with our lives which ever road I decide to travel. My wife said that I still need some more sessions and that she wants to attend some more too. The decision I reach will come from my heart.

[RiversideCT]

I'm in much more of a mess than you are. But it's more like Amy Married (living mostly male) or Amy single. My therapist keeps telling me that one day I'll know. So maybe someday you'll know.
Do I need to be me or that missing my wife and family is more important. Either path will leave me heartbroken.
I could go on but I would just talk in circles again

[jamie_44]

Hi Amy, we are on the same frequency and I know exactly how you feel. I am going to more sessions myself and with my wife too.
A big hug - Jamie

[MJ]

dear Jamie

hi there i hope you are well. i assume if you transition all the way your wife will leave you ?. or you would have to split up ? forgive me but why can't you stay together is that possible after all she has got to know that guy you pretend to be all the years. so why not get to know the real you after all she has put up with you this long. and how bad can it be so you dress a little different and she goes to your therapist with you so again i assume she is trying to understand you. again i could be dead wrong..

i wish my story was better but it's not for many years i hid the truth from my wife it's kind'a a long story but to keep it short it is thanks to the Dr Phil show that i made the decision to change my gender i wish there was a place here were i could put my blogg you will be shocked. but anyway after we split up and i moved into my apartment i went full time and i have been a lot happier with my self and now the hrt is starting to work i am passing better and looking good. the hard part is the breaking up. i truly loved my wife with all my soul i wish to god there was another way but she can no longer bear to look at me as Marissa we were so close and now worlds apart but i had to do this for my self i could no longer live a lie. i am sorry it was this or death what more can i say.. Jamie it's time to crap or get off the pot...

hugs Marissa

[RiversideCT]

For me the "one day you'll know" came very quickly. Someone that lives localy to me responded to one of my postings here. She offered help. Shuggested that we meet. We did. After talking with her I began to realize (eventhough I have been told this over and over) that there is no other option (I have realized this myself before) it's hard to make that first step. The first step is coming to terms who you need to be. So far for me this has been a painful trip just thinking about the things that I will loose. I can see that she has gone through the painful path herself. She showed me the scar on her wrist from a suicide attempt.
I have been through that deep depression and suicidal watch already and may be again. But now I have looked around the corner and seen what is in front of me.
You may ask yourself "is it right for me?" but for myself I can see no other course without a life full of depression and medication. So forward I must go.

[SusanTL]

Hi.

I wish you the very best. I know what a hard decision this is for you. However you must follow your heart, You must be the trru yoy, whomever that may be. In my case, I know the true me is Susan.

You and your wife together must site and talk about her needs now. You have already decided on yours. What about her wants and needs. You must show her the respect and support she is showing you. When she married you she thought she was marring a man, but we are not men.

Give her the time and space to decide what she wants. I think she wil always love you, but she may want to be with a real man.Not another woman.

If we expect people to accept us for who we truely are (Women). We also have to she others that same respect, in what they want. Even if it means we will not e together, but still friends.

Hugs - Susan

[jamie_44]

I have come to the conclusion that I love my wife too much to give her up and she would leave me if I transitioned. I am stopping so I can focus on her needs. We have been married for 17 years and it would kill me if I lost her. I will still be attending therapy to help me work it all out. Anyway thanks for all of your real life stories and advice. My heart goes out to all of you.

[cindianna_jones]

I have come to the conclusion that I love my wife too much to give her up and she would leave me if I transitioned. I am stopping so I can focus on her needs. We have been married for 17 years and it would kill me if I lost her. I will still be attending therapy to help me work it all out. Anyway thanks for all of your real life stories and advice. My heart goes out to all of you.

Good choice dear. Get away from the forums for a while and enjoy some time with your wife. Clear your mind for a few days. That's always a good thing to do. I wish you the best.

Cindi