Can you hate yourself enough?

[Caitlintgsd]

I feel as if I'm being consumed. A level of contentment or happiness always seems to be just beyond my reach. Where does one stop? I lost a good job and I've certainly lost friends due to this thing. I feel as if I'm being eaten up by the ways of transition. If I don't go out at least every other night I'm freaking out. When I miss a couple of days I feel as if I were trapped.
I have no doubts that I'm ts. I hate and truly despise myself whenever I think of myself as in the "el hombre" mode. It's a feeling of total disgust. It's difficult to deal with.
I'm seeing a gender counselor. At times that just doesn't help.

[CaptLex]

I'm sorry to hear that, Caitlin. I can understand feeling unhappy about the image staring back from the mirror (Lord knows, I understand), but please don't hate yourself. Everything good starts with self-acceptance and self-love, hon. And the opposite is also true: self-loathing can lead us down the wrong road. Please give the therapy time. If it still doesn't help after a while, then please look for another therapist, but don't give up on getting the help you need. I hope each step forward will light a candle to lead you on to the next step. Remember, you are worthy of love. :hugs:

[~Dee~]

I agree with Lex that you should give the therapy time to help you work through things.

as for the other things you said, ... i think there are quite a few of us that can sympathise, if not totally agree with that you are saying.
i was talking to Kitty last night about this very thing and how things can be hard to deal with at times.
the way i see it, i was diagnosed with gender dysphoria .. thats not something that just stops overnight. right now, i am in that flux between where i was and where i want to be and at times i see too much of who i was in the mirror .. that causes me a lot of pain.

i cant speak for the pain you are feeling .. and all i can suggest is what Kitty suggested to me - lean on the people you can, dont deal with this alone .. and give things time to come to a suitable conclussion - just look at the things that you have achieved and the things that you can accept .. and be proud of them .. then, look at the things that are still a problem and try to deal with them a piece at a time ..

there are lots of people here who would listen and understand ..
and feel free to PM/email me if you wanted someone far far away to talk to.

and just hang in there.
:hugs:

[Caitlintgsd]

Thanks for the kind words. When I'm out and about generally I get a lot of compliments but I feel so hollow. I know the people who are making compliments and they're honest and sincere people. At times I think they're being nice to prop me up. I dunno. I'm not thinking of stopping but it gets difficult sometimes. Maybe I'm just too anxious.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Caitlin,

Can you hate yourself enough? Never. There’s always room to hate yourself just a bit more before – to allow the negativity to consume you until all that’s left is anger and disgust.

Of course, there’s also room to hate yourself just a bit less before – to recognize and accept who you are – to allow the negativity to dissipate.

There is no easy way out of all this. For most of us, by the time we start to deal with all of this, we are in the midst of our lives and there are hundreds of other things going on in addition to all the gender crap. And as much as we want to be cured, or have it simply ‘go away’ – it won’t. You will live with this for the rest of your life, no matter what you choose to do about it.

Ok, the above sounds crappy: well, it is. But it is the truth – this is who we are and it’s not going to change. Before you can move on in life, you need to accept this as a given – don’t question it, don’t try to ‘figure it out’ – accept that it is what it is. Once (or if) you have done that, you’re in a better position to move forward.

You're out and about (I’m assuming as Caitlin) and it sounds like you have the love and support of friends in your life. This is already more than many TG will ever have.

lean on the people you can, don’t deal with this alone .. and give things time to come to a suitable conclussion - just look at the things that you have achieved and the things that you can accept .. and be proud of them .. then, look at the things that are still a problem and try to deal with them a piece at a time.
Dee is 100% on the money here. You cannot do this alone – none of us can – and it sounds like you don’t have to. Don’t be afraid to confide in a friend when things seem to be too much. Good friends will be there and listen. And you can always vent here – I know I do. :o

Also, therapy is not a magic pill: it takes time to work and it takes work on your part. Sometimes there’s some really painful crap that surfaces, but that’s what needs to happen. Years of burying things that have gotten us to where we are: now it’s time to dig out and clean up. It’s not fun, but the end result is worth the effort – you are worth the effort.

There are more than a few of us here who can relate. As a community, all we have is each other. Don’t be shy about reaching out to us.


Can you hate yourself enough? Let me leave you with this question:


Haven’t you hated yourself enough already?


Love and :hugs:
Donna

[azure]

We place ourselves under incredible duress and stern self judgement, and that is before weve even had to endure the crap that the rest of society can dole out from its significantly micorscopic mind. Somoeone once told me, "you are only under the amount of stress YOU put YOURSELF under". There is no magic formula, and we make the moves we make, just do what you are capable of, and give yourself a break when you have reach what YOU feel is the limit of YOUR ability to cope. We (me included) see time passing us by, opportunities escaping us, sunny days when we want to be out there pretty, carefree, feeling atractive, enjoying our feminine form, being ourselves. but the cold reality of a hotel room alone, or the contigencies of family and work dragging us down into the abyss of the person society expects us to be is enough to make you/me etc wish we were no longer here...which is precisely to point at which we need to say..."er..NO...I have exactly the same right to be here as anyone else, I deserve happiness, I deserve to LIVE, and not cower away like some creature". Sounds easy doesnt it, it isnt, because youve got to have armour plated willpower, and bombproof attitude to walk out that door and look em in the eye.

Just do what YOU are able to do, and dont be so hard on yourself its too easy to see the negative and ironically its incredibly difficult to see and believe the positive, BUT if you can and do, the impossible may be yours, its all in the mind.
.

[cindianna_jones]

Cait,

You can never do enough. You can never go out enough. You will never have enough if you have the TS monster inside of you. It will prod, it will push, it will force you into compromising situations. It will make you do things that a rational person would never consider.

I know. I've been there. Transsexuals will transition. There is nothing more powerful; no drive that can match it.

If this describes your situation, please take a few moments each day and realize that you have this unbridled passion. Plan the things that you must do to hold your life together. Write them down. A therapist can help.

The most difficult thing that we have to deal with in our lives is to rise above the "transition" and do the most logical things to hold it all together. You will need a job and resources. Keep focused. Stay in the groove. Plan it out.

And for heaven's sake, enjoy it all. It is a wonderful gift we have been given.

Cindi

[Caitlintgsd]

Thanks to all for the kind words and advice. Regarding the job, I received a phone call a couple of days after being let go. This individual who called owned a medical equipment company about 10 miles from where I live. He stated that somebody told him that I was in need of a position. He also stated that he didn't care if I was transgendered. My jaw kind of hit the floor when I heard that. I have no idea who told him about me nor do I really care. I interviewed and got the job. I was only out of work for just shy of 3 weeks. I wanted to take another week off but they were anxious for me to start.
I'm also going to be having the big talk with my kids in a few weeks. There's a long story behind why I didn't do so earlier. My wife wasn't too keen on it and my son has had some emotional issues. Both his and my couselors feel that it would be better if the kids knew but we were waiting until he was back in school and settled down for about a month. This is his second week back. He's spent the last month, prior to last week, in a behavioral health outpatient program.
So all and all, the big issues are looking better for the moment.
Again, thanks for the kind words.

[CaptLex]

That's very good news, Caitlin! Congrats on the new job and good luck with the big talk. Someone once said, even the worst day is only 24 hours long. I try to remember that whenever I'm having a tough time myself - but it's still a long 24 hours. We all have those moments of doubt, insecurity and wondering when the sun will come out again. I'm glad things are looking up for you. :hugs:

[JamieK]

Hi Caitlin;
I see that we are neighbors of San Diego North County, and I had to reply to your thread.
Yes, by all means, we can hate ourselves...to death! BUT, we can also love and accept our life just as strong if we allow ourself to.
We did not ASK to be brought into this world, and darn sure didn't have a say in our gender. If WE want to change gender, WE live with it.
Please think on the positive side of this. We all have our doubts at times, but if we have people that share our lifestyle, and we can draw from then, we can look to a beautiful future in a life WE choose.
If you need someone to talk to, or visit, please let me know...Iam very discreet, and, just around the cornor!
Keep a smile and a positive attitude,
JamieK