suzannecarr
10-03-2006, 02:18 PM
:silly:
i took a class on addiction during my emt training, it really detailed what are known as triggers, for those who dont know what im talking about , a trigger is something( a photo, a smell, a person, etc.) that sends an impulse to our brain that makes us want to do something or take some type of action. anyway to make a long story short this morning i got up early, dressed in drab for a while, hair in ponytail, bra , panties, nightgown, then proceeded to get dolled up, i have some new clothes(resale shop) sweaters. jeans, two pair of heels, a purse, got some new mascara , the two stage kind and a new lash curler, did my face and curled my newly washed hair, i took some pics, looked good to me!lol! anyway i decided to cut it short in a way and cleaned up and washed my face and stuff, let my male persona come back (uuuggggggggh) i ramble alot, kinda like a woman huh! anyway i was watching what i consider to be a "man show" cold pizza on espn, anyway i noticed that the girl who co host (dana jacobsen i think is her name) she is a taller girl but really cute in my opinion, she has shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes, anyway i noticed that she was growing her hair out and i thought to myself you go girl! i thought if she were with me i would tell her that i think it will look cute and i thought about how i would curl and style it if i were her, i also noticed that my legs were crossed, and my wrist was limp, and i was playing with my nails, i was supposed to be acting like a guy and grunting and that sort of thing you know guy stuff! evidently i went quickly back to femme mode without noticing, now i dont have a thing against femme acting gay men, of course i dont act that way and try to put forth a false pretense of being as masculine as possible( i have a girl butt!lol!, long natural lashes, high cheekbones, etc.) the bottom line is i am worried that sometimes i am not noticing different behaviors that i may be exhibiting, and people may be noticing , understand what im trying to say? i was told once by an ex girlfriend that i wanted to be a woman and everyone knew it! she said that i noticed things that only women noticed and i played with her hair in a way as to suggest that i wish i had her hair and that i was obsessed by a hair fetish that had more to do with me being envious of women more than thinking they were pretty! i hope this makes sense. anyway i try to keep this in mind on a day to day basis so as not to draw attention to the fact that when i look at most women, im admiring their style instead of there physical attributes, except when im jealous of those things!lol!. well, anyway does anybody else identify with these triggers and emotions, i mean i was really trying to be a guy, but oh well, i guess i should just be what i am, which is ? you tell me! , lol! im so confused! suz
i took a class on addiction during my emt training, it really detailed what are known as triggers, for those who dont know what im talking about , a trigger is something( a photo, a smell, a person, etc.) that sends an impulse to our brain that makes us want to do something or take some type of action. anyway to make a long story short this morning i got up early, dressed in drab for a while, hair in ponytail, bra , panties, nightgown, then proceeded to get dolled up, i have some new clothes(resale shop) sweaters. jeans, two pair of heels, a purse, got some new mascara , the two stage kind and a new lash curler, did my face and curled my newly washed hair, i took some pics, looked good to me!lol! anyway i decided to cut it short in a way and cleaned up and washed my face and stuff, let my male persona come back (uuuggggggggh) i ramble alot, kinda like a woman huh! anyway i was watching what i consider to be a "man show" cold pizza on espn, anyway i noticed that the girl who co host (dana jacobsen i think is her name) she is a taller girl but really cute in my opinion, she has shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes, anyway i noticed that she was growing her hair out and i thought to myself you go girl! i thought if she were with me i would tell her that i think it will look cute and i thought about how i would curl and style it if i were her, i also noticed that my legs were crossed, and my wrist was limp, and i was playing with my nails, i was supposed to be acting like a guy and grunting and that sort of thing you know guy stuff! evidently i went quickly back to femme mode without noticing, now i dont have a thing against femme acting gay men, of course i dont act that way and try to put forth a false pretense of being as masculine as possible( i have a girl butt!lol!, long natural lashes, high cheekbones, etc.) the bottom line is i am worried that sometimes i am not noticing different behaviors that i may be exhibiting, and people may be noticing , understand what im trying to say? i was told once by an ex girlfriend that i wanted to be a woman and everyone knew it! she said that i noticed things that only women noticed and i played with her hair in a way as to suggest that i wish i had her hair and that i was obsessed by a hair fetish that had more to do with me being envious of women more than thinking they were pretty! i hope this makes sense. anyway i try to keep this in mind on a day to day basis so as not to draw attention to the fact that when i look at most women, im admiring their style instead of there physical attributes, except when im jealous of those things!lol!. well, anyway does anybody else identify with these triggers and emotions, i mean i was really trying to be a guy, but oh well, i guess i should just be what i am, which is ? you tell me! , lol! im so confused! suz