brain dump on fear of acceptance

[StephanieCD]

In another thread I started I talked about how I just shaved and my GF is trying to accept my CDing... I wanted to come on and tell everybody what my GF just said on the phone... I sent her a message that told her I "did it" (shaved) and then I waited anxiously... she called, we talked, and she said she wished she could come over to "come see"!!

I'm having some trouble - now, mind you, she hasn't actually seen my legs yet, nor have we dressed me together yet but she's being AMAZING in regards to accepting me. My problem is that because of my past combined with my 23 years of closet life I can't seem to accept her accepting me!! I know I'm a lucky one and I don't want you to think I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth... but it seems that I'm so embarrassed by myself when she's involved that it's counterproductive! For example... on the phone I warned her that my legs might not be so nice to look at because "the first time doesn't always go so well" - meaning the shaving bumps... her response was "well maybe I could help" (thank God) and I hesitated and bumbled so much that she said "unless you wouldn't... if you don't want me to..."

Is anyone else afraid to be accepted? It seems I'm so afraid of being hurt in regards to this that I can't believe she could be so accepting! Like, I won't let her accept me - perhaps in fear she's lying... or that she just doesn't really understand how gross I really am...? All the while she's said "the right thing" every step of the way! I'm a fool.... but what if I let myself get too excited about it and scare her... I have to admit, her accepting this truly would count for an awful lot in the commitment category, know what I mean? Or maybe I'm scared to have someone accept me cuz then I have no excuse to feel ashamed.... it's cozy in this closet... I like the smell of it, too ;)

Don't mean to dump on you all - just enjoy opening my brain to y'all ;)

[Sharon]

You never know where the line is until you cross it... and then you've made a new one.

Words to live by Stephanie. You can't back out now, you've come too far. Your GF sounds wonderful and she's really trying to be supportive. You have to let her. If not, you'll always be kicking yourself.
I don't think you've reached the line yet.

Love,
Sharon

[Tamara Croft]

Stephanie, you're just anxious sweetie. Us GG's are more accepting than you think. It's like a woman using her toys (i know a bit rude) for the first time infront of her partner, it's so embarrasing even tho you know your partner is going to love it!!! Just take it step by step and not try and swallow the whole idea of her acceptance in one go.

Tamara x

[StephanieCD]

Stephanie, you're just anxious sweetie. Us GG's are more accepting than you think. It's like a woman using her toys (i know a bit rude) for the first time infront of her partner, it's so embarrasing even tho you know your partner is going to love it!!! Just take it step by step and not try and swallow the whole idea of her acceptance in one go.

Tamara x

That was so well said, hun! She might not LOVE it but I get what you mean. Hell, for all I know she could have some secret lesbian wonders she could be tapping into to accept it... and I know the toy thing well - very well put. Thanks :)

[MonaSmith]

Hi Stephanie,

I know exactly what you mean, the fear that a loved one's acceptance might suddenly turn to scorn is very difficult to deal with. I told my Mum, about me being a crossdresser, when I was in my early teens and she accepted it and me without hesitation. But to this day, 15 years later, she has never met Mona. She has never pressured me and has always let me get on with it by myself, but somehow showing her, without Mona being absolutely perfect and convincing, would make me feel embarrassed and somehow unworthy of the support she has given me.
I have learned recently that life is short and that opportunities come and go very quickly, so you should go with it, see where it leads you. it could be one of the best thing you ever did in your life.

[StephanieCD]

You never know where the line is until you cross it... and then you've made a new one.

Words to live by Stephanie. You can't back out now, you've come too far. Your GF sounds wonderful and she's really trying to be supportive. You have to let her. If not, you'll always be kicking yourself.
I don't think you've reached the line yet.

Love,
Sharon

Sharon, using my own words against me is grounds for WAR!! ;) *sigh* you're right.... HMPH!

;)

[Fiona K]

Hi Stephanie,
Deep breaths love, this is huge. I'm envious that your SO is accepting but even if my wife had turned cartwheels when I came out last month I'm not sure I'd have rushed into my heels and make-up. It is a bit scary. Feel free to dump anytime!!! It is one of the reasons we're all here :D
Love
Fiona

[StephanieCD]

Mona!! Your new avatar is awesome! Your old one was fantastic but... wow.

Thank you for your insight - it's true... a fear of being "less than perfect" - that my personal disappointments will be realized in the eyes of a loved one.... devastating, however unlikely.

[StephanieCD]

Thanks Fiona... glad to hear so many understand where I'm coming from... by the way - you also look fantastic in your avatar ;)

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Grrrl, this is good news indeed:) I think your inner shame and your expectations that you be passable and perfect are getting in you way here. Just take a deep breath. As the grrls here have said and move forward. It will be okay I believe. Although I hadn't posted anything in your threads about this I've been following thinigs. I'm happ HAPPY happy for you. Tis a wonderful thing, accept her gift sweety. And it's okay to tell her you're nervous and scared. Share your feelings with her. Hugs grrl!

hugs
kew

[paulaN]

I'm looking forward to your next post on how great things are with your so. every thing is going to be just fine I can feel it.

[Georgette]

You go girl, you never know what's around the next bend unless you get there. I know I was quite a chicken to reveal to my SO but after doing it by accident, I might say I have never been Happier in Femme or Drab, ( I would rather be In Femme) I have a whole new perspective on my life and where I will be going.
Georgette has given me a wonderful and gentle side that I never knew I had, and it's scary at times but it's for the better.
I hope you have the wonderful feelings that I have now and accept yourself and GF for what you really are.
Hope I made some sense to you, at least I think I did.LOL :rolleyes:

[StephanieCD]

There you are, Kew! ;)

Ladies - I haven't revealed my legs to her yet (thank God! I've got the bumps!) but I promise I'll run here as soon as I can - I tell her about you all often...

You all have made me sincerely smile and fill with happy... I promise I'll share :)

[DonnaT]

What you are experiencing is not new in our community of crossdressers. Basically, it is because you have not fully accepted yourself.

You may still feel, on some level (way down deep), that CDing is wrong.

There is a GG/SO in Canada that councils CDs and SOs who asked this very same question. A number of these CDs have wives that have really tried to get there husbands to open up to them, but the years and years of hiding it has them so deep in the closet, they are afraid to come out because they still feel, deep down, shame. A couple even turned on their wives and ranted, "how can you accept this, it's wrong?!"

Well, it's not wrong. You were born transgendered and there is nothing, nothing, you can do to change that. You have to find a way to accept it in yourself.

Your girlfriend wants to see your shaved legs. You can't keep them hidden all the time. She didn't ask to see you dressed up. So take your time, let her help you find acceptance in what you do, as well as accepting the fact that she is accepting you for who you are. (I hope you read this while sober, because I was't when I wrote it :D )

[StephanieCD]

I've had a drink and a half... incidentally, I go back and redigest everything sober - I find I get different things in different states of mind. Not that I have *cough* that many but...

Your post, Donna, was insightful and helpful. You said:

"You were born transgendered and..."

That's the first time that term has been used in relation directly to me... I had a bit of a breakthrough at that moment. Please allow me to put it down myself...

Hi, I'm a transgendered person and I have razor burn because I feel pretty with shaved legs. I just happen to be a good looking guy as well ;)

That was a small but cathartic moment... thanks for indulging me.