How do you get the confidence to go out

[Sweet Jane]

I would dearly love to get out "en femme", but the thought just terrifies me. I keep thinking that I look just like a man in drag, (which is what I am), and it will all just end in a bout of public humiliation. Where I live there are no CD clubs ao that is out of the question. I am even too afraid to go out at night, in the car, in case something happens. I was wondering if all of you, who do go out regularly, have felt as I am feeling now...anyhow any advice will be great!!!!...
http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i216/biliejeanz/sweet%20jane/DBCD032.jpg

[Felicia]

Jane: In time you will learn how to dress so when you are out you will blend in. Once you do get out crossdressing is elavated to a much higher level. I hope that helps to answer your question. (HUG) Felicia

[Patty]

I just wanted to get out of the house. When I needed to go somewhere(couple hour drive) I would go and on the return trip find a place to change clothes. At first it was easy just changing a few things in the car. And it when on from there. Its just the first step and then it gets easier.

[Terry]

HI ; JANE

I to known that same feeling , I would love to just get dress and go out and do like many of the other girls have done ,like shopping for clothes and many of the things a woman can do , without looking over by back and not be in sure I,am passable. Looking at your photos you are very passable .Just make the best of it.

Love is where you find it.

Terry:love:

[gennee]

Going out the first time is tough. When I went out for the first time I was surprised that I wasn't nervous or afraid. After that, it was easy for me. You'll learn as you go, Jane. It's fun and thrilling.

Gennee

[celeste26]

Early on in my crossdressing career I would so focus on myself that I was not just a perfectionist but it made me terrified to go out much less admit to anyone what I was doing. Along with that was somehow I felt that I was the center of the universe (sounds crazy doesn't it) not politically speaking but in my view of the world. I was frozen in fear most of the time: what if this or that happened etc.

By focusing on others, I have found that everyonehas their little faults and that I can be just another one with faults also. I learned that even a poor looking CD walking poorly in his heels is not necesarily the center of attention for everybody, other people have their own lives to live and most of the time if they can, they will ignore me. It is when I make myself the center of attention by the things I do that causes my problems not any other way.

I took decades though to get out of the habit of being so self focused, mostly because there was no one to assist me with it like all of our friends here at this forum. You've got many friends here with much experience so rely on it and relax, (take a deep breath) mostly though relax.

[Shiny]

been there did that, scary! It's easier to stay at home and have another beer!

[trannie T]

I'm always terrified as I leave the house. I then calm down quickly and have a good time. The first step out of the closet is the longest, the next steps come easier.

[Phoebe Reece]

One of the first times I went out dressed (over 30 years ago), it was with my wife. I had her go out to the car ahead of me and see if none of the neighbors were around. I cowered in fear in the doorway until she signaled all was clear. When I very nervously jumped in the car, she said to me rather sternly, "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." Everytime I went out after that, if I was feeling nervous about it, I would remember what she said to me. And then I would just do it. To let fear hold me back from doing something I really want to do is not something I like to see in myself.

[samantha#1]

Dear Sweet Jane, firstly, you look fab and not like a man in drag. Secondly, take one step at a time, find a place where there are not too many people and where you can change if leaving the house femme is an issue; perhaps a place to sit and admire a view or maybe a short walk (careful on shoe selection - hiking in high heals is no fun), take a picnic and blanket; you know that sort of thing. I dress and go out and although in the past that was by myself nowadays it is always with my wife so I guess that helps me a lot. Both done up to the 9's, we were walking hand in hand onlong our water front pier the other week and a guy actually asked if we wanted to join him for some fun (not in those words of course); I froze and nearly had a heart attack, my wife on the other hand turned to me and gave me a kiss; turned to the guy and said sorry dear but we are gay, not bi so you just don't cut the mustard where it counts. It looked liked he walked into a brick wall at 100mph, that girl of mine blows my mind sometimes.
Hope it all works out for you.
Samantha

[brandie]

i work retail and have seen women ( not cds) that i thought were men and addressed them as sir. felt like shi? when theye talked. so even some as bad at this as me could pass just have not got the courage yet so practice every part tell you don't see him in the mirror just you then and only then will you be ready i am not there yet but hope to be soon



brandie

[Sweet Jane]

Hi again everyone...thanks for the kind words. I feel like the lion in The Wizard of Oz. My heart says that I have nothing to worry about, but my head says my world will collapse if someone that I know sees me when I'm dressed. I am hopefully taking the first steps towards getting the courage by losing my anonymity here through posting pictures, and even doing that has got my tummy doing cartwheels...anyhow, heres the avatar enlarged, and I hope it sort of looks like an older broad!!!! I need to pluck those eyebrows though!
http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i216/biliejeanz/sweet%20jane/DBCD035.jpg

[Glenda58]

Jane you could pass your looks don't say I'm a man. You're cute and young. But if you are going shopping the first time which want the women wear. They don't wear short shirts or dresses when shopping. They're in jeans most of them some in business attire after work. So you want to bend in you dress like them and nobody will notice. I went out today and I fit in no one pointing that me. And if I can do it so can you because you look better than I do. So go on some short drives. Then to a mall get out of the car walk around the parking lot if it feels good go in if not go home and try another day.
Good luck:D

[Sherree]

I'm new here, but I am rather small for a male, just under 150# and 5'6" tall, so it is easier for me to pass than some. My first time , I would probably never have gone out, but I had a trannie friend who regularily went out. She convinced me to try it. She helped me with my makeup and my outfit. We went out a bar together for a couple of drinks. I even got hit on by a guy. I was terrified, but my trannie girlfriend fielded the pass and told him we were a couple and neither of us were interested in guys. Now I often go out dressed, and if anyone notices I'm a guy, they never say anything.

[Debb]

I am a newbie here too.

I started going out dressed a few years ago, and the first time was the most difficult. I took all my stuff and changed in the car (actually a van).

I really like the reply "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." by Phoebe Reece. It helps to remember that being dressed as a woman is not illegal; this frees you from the fear of somehow breaking the law, but doesn't help in the fear of embarrassment / exposure. Sorry.

I just don't get why so many of us are timid about this. I don't mean any criticism, I also was very timid, which makes very little sense because I am generally pretty fearless.

In the end, you've got to talk yourself into it. You'll find that once you get out, just being out-of-doors is a huge kick, and I predict you'll get over the fear of embarrassment pretty quickly.

[Amber_8281]

I need advice on this one to. I can dress but thats it. I don't have the stuff to go much farther than that. e-mail if you have any ideas.

[Holly]

Jane, take take pressure off yourself, honey. If you've never been out, it's a new experience and, like all new things, the unknown is intimidating. Next time you're out at a place that you would like to go out to dressed, take a few minutes and observe what the ladies who are about your age are wearing. Then, when you're ready, try and duplicate that look. When I go out, I want to try and experience what a girl would be experiencing, whether it be shopping, eating, going to a show or movie, whatever. One of the most memorable and enjoyable days I ever had out was one in which I was dressed very casual and all I did was run errands... went to a beauty supply house and bought some wig care products, went to Sears to buy a gift for a friend, went to Target to pick up some sundries, went dress shopping at the Dress Barn, went and visited a friend, etc. I don't believe for a moment that I fooled anyone in thinking that I was a GG. But what I did do was be confident and poised and respectful of those around me. I was rewarded in kind by virtually everyone I interacted with. Before you set a single toe out the door, have your mind fully set as to what your expectations of your trip out are going to be and then conduct yourself accordingly. I think you will find that generally people will live up to your expectations. Now go out and enjoy yourself.

[Billijo49504]

Well, when I realized that my money was just as green as everyone elses. I decided they didn't care how I was dressed, as long as I spent my money at their store. That was even if I only bought one item, or if I bought a whole outfit, or more. It all boils down to the power of the all mighty dollar$$$...BJ

[Gisele]

Cute picture.

I started by doing the driving around late at night thing. I would have my guy clothes with me incase of whatever. That was many years ago. Now I hop into my car or truck and take off down the street dressed full tilt. I don't take any guy stuff with me now. But, I have started to think about "what if". So I just may take something with me. My only problem with going out at day is the neighbors. I just dress just enough to get from the front door to my truck. Then I go to a business lot and put on the wig and the rest of my make up on.
I haven't gone out much at day maybe 2 times in the last couple of months. I am working on it and I want to do it more and be seen (not by neighbors though).

Just take baby steps and you will be floating soon enough!:hugs:

Beth

[Adrienne Heels]

You need to be comfortable with your look, confident in your manner, and dressed appropriately to both your age and where you are going. If you are nervous about your appearance, it will not work

[Kate Simmons]

I was in the "closet" for years. I finally took the "plunge" when I joined Renaissance , a TG organization. That gave me the confidence to be where I am today, regularly going out, socializing, dancing, etc. It's tough to get started for sure but if you do decide to do it, just stick to your "guns" and see it through. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results. Life is anything but boring for me these days.:happy: Ericka

[whisky12]

I would dearly love to get out "en femme", but the thought just terrifies me. I keep thinking that I look just like a man in drag, (which is what I am), and it will all just end in a bout of public humiliation. Where I live there are no CD clubs ao that is out of the question. I am even too afraid to go out at night, in the car, in case something happens. I was wondering if all of you, who do go out regularly, have felt as I am feeling now...anyhow any advice will be great...thanks and many curtseys!!!!...
http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i216/biliejeanz/sweet%20jane/DBCD032.jpg most fetish culbs that I go have changing rooms some have gardens ok in the summer.:hugs: :hugs:

[Karren H]

We all look like guys in dresses....hmmmm BTW, we are !! And it's a learned thing......courage going out, starts with small ventures out, drive around the block, late night walks.....al the way to broad daylight, and crowded venues!!!

Better get going.......times a wasting!! hehe

Love Karren

[Kate Simmons]

We all look like guys in dresses....hmmmm BTW, we are !! And it's a learned thing......courage going out, starts with small ventures out, drive around the block, late night walks.....al the way to broad daylight, and crowded venues!!!

Better get going.......times a wasting!! hehe

Love KarrenYep, Being a "broad" in daylight, in broad daylight is pretty challenging, Something you have mastered for sure, Karren (and then some). :happy: Ericka

[lawnmanmo]

Dear Sweet Jane
Did you say..."Man in a dress"?. Let me say to you that as an admirer who has had the opportunity to be out and about in public with CD women that you PASS without question. Its all in the LOOK as you have been told by the girls here on the forum. I would never be out with a CD who DID look like a man in a dress. That LOOK as they say is to blend in just as the other women in the area would be. You would never wear clothes that would be out of place or draw attention to you if you were shopping in a mall during the day. Usually you would see women in jeans or skirts or at times, maybe a business women doing some shopping during her lunch hour or after work. Its all in the blending. Good luck and I'm sure that when the time comes...you will NEVER forget it.
Jerry

[loki_uk]

Halloween is here your perfect excuse to wear something outrageous without anyone caring...

[Lesley-cd]

Hi Jane! You do look sweet and I think you would have no problem going out - just remember to get the clothes right as people have said! Having said that it's still very scary until you get your confidence but it's really worth it for helping you confirm your 'femme' persona! If you are really nervous about going out but determined to do it here's a couple of tips from my experience:
I agree with you about going out in the car - if you're anxious, it's an accident waiting to happen. When you're more relaxed you can start taking drives (with precautions!) And as you have said, going out very late at night is dangerous even for GG's!
You could try this (though I'll probably be flamed for giving you cowardly suggestions!) Wait until it's raining (not too hard!). Get yourself a nice girly raincoat with a hood that you can hide in or an umbrella. Other people will be too concerned about keeping dry themselves to bother about you! This might just be enough to lose your inhibitions and gain more confidence about going out.
Go for it - it's worth it!

Lesley xx

[KimberlyS]

Hi Jane, a few of my thoughts on going out:

- If you are truly ready to go out you will find a way to do it. IMHO, many CDers who say they want to go out and do not for some reason just are not personally at a point that they want or are ready to go out. And some may even feel pressured to go out by listening to others, but do not really want to go out now or ever. It is ok if you do not want to go out as it is not for everyone. And it does not make you any more or less of a CDer if you do or do not go out, IMHO. We all should be CDing at a level that we are personally comfortable with and enjoy. Personally I am a guy in feminine clothes, and only put on makeup and wig if I am going out, to protect my family and myself from the back flack of living in a small town.

- If you can, find a friend to help you and go out with you. This could be your wife, GF, a GG friend or another CD/TG/TS person, or a support group. Make clear your expectations of wants and not wants prior to going out. If you can not find a friend, you can do this yourself, many of us have. I just believe it would be easier with someone else or as part of a support group.

- If you can, scope out the place and area in boy mode to make you more comfortable with where you will be going. You can also look at the type of clothing that the GG's are wearing. And make sure it is a safe place. Would you let your daughter go there alone or with who you are going to go there with?

- Dress to fit in and blend in. Do not over dress as you will stick out, just like a GG would if she over dressed. Unless sticking out is a goal of yours. So do not wear a formal to the mall as an example. Leave your fetish wear and highest heels at home. IMHO, blending in is much more important than completely "Passing". Just look your best and remember many GG's look very masculine also.

- Leave the house/hotel with a good attitude, and smile. You will be nervous, but just try not do show it too much. IMHO, a good attitude, a smile, and just going about your business/doing what you are going to do, is more important than "Passing". Assume that you will be made by someone, so now you are going to expect it, and think of some good answers for some general questions for comments so you do not have to stumble over the words. When you are made, just smile and go about your business, answer if appropriate. DO NOT RUN or leave in a hurry, with your head down like a bad puppy. If you do leave, go in a normal fashion with your head up normal and with a smile. If you look like your are really nervous and/or keep trying to avoid people and/or walk around with your head down, people will pick up on that and you will draw more attention to yourself.
Do you dress this way often? Yes or at times I do.
Are you a guy? Yes do you like my skirt.
Are you a guy? Yes do you have a problem with that? But be ready for the come back.
Are you a guy? If you say so. As you go about your business.
Who do you think you are dressing like that? I am a crossdresser shopping like you are?
Someone saying to you, Do you think this would look good on me? I like it.
What are you doing in the woman’s department? I am shopping like you.
Hey it is a guy!!! Just go about you business.

- Start with something small. Like, walk into a store during a slow time and just browse for a while and then leave. But be ready for someone that comes up and asks if they can help you. Say “just browsing” or something similar, in your normal voice, slowly and not rushed, but slightly softer and hushed, as gals do not Boom words out in a hurry like guys do. One thing many CDers do not realize is that more people actually make a better cover than just a few people. A busy place has people trying to avoid others and in a hurry and trying get their things done. You are just another person they are trying to avoid. Most looks at you are brief just so they can plot their route of travel. If you have a shopping cart you are more to avoid, and it also gives you something to hold on to for those that may need it. You can leave it in an isle near the door before you leave.

- Get out of town if you are scared about running into someone you know. If does not have to be far, as two to five hours will take most people to a larger city and away from people you know. So if someone does, and most likely will make you, who cares as you will not see them again. Make a weekend trip out of it, if you can, so you do not feel rushed. Leave Friday night and come back Sunday afternoon if possible. This should give you plenty of time to check out where you may want to go and then have plenty of time to get ready and get out. If you are checking out a mall you want to go to, stop in somewhere and get your nails done, with color on them or just clear. Most larger malls have at least one nail place in them. It is a good intro to help calm your nerves for later. And your nails are either done or closer to being done as a clear coat also makes a good base for color.

- And last but not least, and I am sure there are many other tips people can give you. HAVE FUN and ENJOY YOURSELF. Yes you may be nervous and worrying if you are passing and looking good enough, but at this point is does not matter. You will draw a lot less attention to yourself if you relax and enjoy your outing. Picture what many men look like following their wife’s or girlfriends through the lingerie department. They stick out like a sore thumb because they are nervous, are not looking at the merchandise well actually trying to look, but not look like they are looking. And they are like a kid and keep asking if she is done, and if not to just decide and grab something. You do not want to look like this. Just Enjoy and go about what you are doing. Even if you are made by someone and most likely will be, most people will not say anything to you. If someone smiles or says hi to you, smile back at least and say Hi back as stated above. If you are browsing and a clerk makes you and says something like you are not to shop in their store, smile and say “I am sorry my money is not good here” and just leave in a normal manner. But I have yet to have this happen. Kids and teenagers are some of the few people that will easily out and confront you. Do not look like you are trying to avoid them, but do if you can as teen are not afraid to say things out loud or make a scene. But remember you are having a good time, smile and go about your business. DO NOT TRY TO GET INTO A DISSCUSION or GIVE SMART COME BACKS TO TEENS as you will get more back. You are there to enjoy yourself not to push for acceptance. And IMHO, just by going about your business and enjoying yourself, you will be pushing acceptance to those that do make you, as they see you as just a normal person out shopping or going about your own business and not hurting anyone, you are just wearing clothes that they normally would not see on you.

That is my :2c: , well maybe two bits.

KimberlyS - CD
A guy in a skirt

[Janice Ashton]

Ater all the great advice you receive here? there's just one thing left ??

'DO IT'

It's the only way, I did! you will love it, as all the girls here that go out will tell you.

Good Luck

[JoAnnDallas]

As others have said "DO IT"........The main reason for not going out can be said in one word........FEAR You have to conquer that first. Once you do, then the other word.........FUN takes over and you have a ball.
Then the next thing you know your going here and there and there is no stopping you then.

[Sweet Jane]

Wow...I never expected such a lot of advice...Kimberly, that must have taken you ages..thanks very much. And to everyone else, thanks for your very kind words and support. Karen Hutton, you are right "time is a wasting", and Kimberly, maybe you are right when you say that I am not ready to go out yet...it's just that I feel I really do want to, but thinking about it still gives me uncontrollable butterflies!!! Unfortunately, I don't know of any CD clubs or other CDs in my area(I'm sure they are there), so the "soft landing option just isn't there for me. As for Halloween, it's not a big deal here either. I know in the end that this lack of confidence will be my own "private hell" to overcome, but having all of your encouragement is comforting....

[janedoe311]

I am 6'1" and look like a man in a dress, even with well done make up.

Would love to be able to pass.

[sophie69]

I would love to go out, but would not know where to start! Would love comments on whether I would pass, but photo wont upload for some reason.....

I have no-one that knows apart from my partner. She tolerates it, but I only really want to do it when she (and the kids) are out and I am alone..... I only just managed to get the courage to go dressed in the garden at night recently!

Sophie x

[Just Plain Kay]

Looking back at some of the things I have done in full female mode, I don't think it was so much having confidence as being overpowered by the need to do it.

Logic tells me there's no way I could pass. But I never once had a problem. People were always nice and treated me very well. If they knew my secret, they gave no indication. I saw no strange looks or whispered conversations.

The more I went out without incident, the more I pushed the envelope. In a relatively short period of time, I had progressed to strolling the busy sidewalks of downtown, visiting office buildings and the library, grocery shopping, swimming at the beach, and eating at a cafeteria and then at a crowded, cozy restaurant.

The most fulfilling adventure by far began as a tentative attempt to get my hair cut in a more feminine style. The stylist turned out to be very accepting and encouraging, and she later convinced me to come to the salon in full feminine mode. I was there for a couple of hours, and everyone made me feel right at home.

[hotbobbie]

Take small steps that in time will lead to giant leaps. We have all been there.

[KimberlyS]

Jane,
you said that maybe you are not ready to go out and maybe that is very true. But then you say:

"it's just that I feel I really do want to, but thinking about it still gives me uncontrollable butterflies!!!"

Butterflies are a normal part of being nervous.

For me personally, once I was on the internet and pass the junk and sex sites on to some good personal sites with good information, I reallized that I was not the strange, weird, pervert, ..... that society and myself thought I was. And that along with being out of town away from home. I was quick to get out, ready or not, I went out. And I know I did not look very good. But I was out and it felt so good and freeing to be out.

Good luck with your journey.

KimberlyS - CD

[Just Plain Kay]

Butterflies are a normal part of being nervous.

The worst case I ever had was just before I left for my first Tri-ESS meeting. I needed to drink a glass of wine to steady my nerves. It would be the first time I had interacted with anyone while dressed.

Once I got there, though, the feedback of the other attendees was so affirming that I made a few public appearances on the way home!

[Sam-antha]

To say it is scary is not true. It is petrifyingly terrifying.
Just get dressed, look at yourself and decide if you are OK or not. If not sort out the problem ( tell us about it) and then open the front door and go out.
It might help if it is raining and there are people using umbrellas and you put your umbrella up and walk straight. Few people will look at you and they will only see a woman. They are all too busy.

Samm

[tanya3]

hi jane, i have never really been out myself but plannig to do so soon. i may a bit luckier than most. icame out to my wife a few weeeks ago and she is ok with it and wants to help all she can . the short story is in my intro ( happy to be here ) our plan is to go away for my first outing . we happen to live near a cd , tg , gay freindly area , provincetown ma. thats the first thing be safe . i don, know were you live but there maybe some place you can go , just hint and the girls here may be able to help you . i can,t wait to go out . we are really exited . i,m not to worried about passing and you shouldn,t be , you look great . have some fun !!!!!!!

Tanya 3

[MsJanessa]

Hi Hon---I've read your posts and the others with interest----let me say that I've been going out in public now for about 7 years---started when I was your age----originally really into fetish leather Domme style dressing(see my avatar---yes that's me) and to a large extent still am but when I go out in public--other than gay bars and similar places, I tend to dress with less leather,and with longer skirts, shorter heels, maybe girl jeans and a modest top or a medium lenqth skirt and conservative blouse. If you want to go out dressed like you are in your photo(very attractive by the way) try your local gay bars and night clubs--call ahead to find out if they welcome crossdressers and if they have a drag or fetish night(I bet they do) If you want to go out to the local mall tone it down a little----i.e. dress the way a woman your age would dress---doesn't mean you can't be stylish or sexy---just do it in a conservative tastful way---longer skirt--conservative pumps or boots, attractive top that covers more of you than the one you are wearing etc. If you do go to the mall don't get into a panic if somebody looks at you like they have read you---its the first part of the 21st century and most urban areas don't have a sigficant problem with x-dressers---avoid groups of teen agers, behave yourself--no excessive drinking, etc and you should have no problem---if you have a friend who knows about your x-dressing(or better yet is a T-girl herself.) invite her to go along with you----two T-Girls tend to provide a lot more security than going alone and don't forget---have fun.

[vickie_tv1556]

I think a big part of it is to have self confidence in yourself and accept what you truly are on the inside.
(Sweet Jane, I love Lou Reed, Sweet Jane is a real classic).
Best Wishes,
Vickie