EricaCD
10-12-2006, 09:44 AM
Editrix Note: Once again I will break my usual rule about not cross-posting things here that I have written in my blog. At the suggestion of one of the members I have copied it here. This was my blog entry from Tuesday night. I should once again extend my sincerest thanks to this forum and the remarkable people here: but for the encouragement that I have gotten here, this entry, coming from me, would have been nothing more than a fictionmania candidate. Thanks!
I'll start by making clear: I did not look my best.
I planned on getting out a bit this afternoon, but I was not too happy with how I looked. Thanks to my damnable (and worsening) West Coast insomnia I had dark circles under the eyes. I had overshaved and my skin was rashy and very dry. So the foundation did not really set correctly. And to top it off I left my fem eyeglasses in NY and was wearing the wire ones (which really aren't terrible but combined with everything else...).
Objectively I looked ok. At least compared to my ordinary look. But I did not feel ok. I did not feel especially pretty.
What I decided next I will analogize to a crossdresser equivalent of eating your spinach. I made up my mind to go out anyway. The male side of my brain expressed a few reasons:
1. Objectively I know that the people with whom I casually interact are not micro-analyzing my look. Either they pay no attention and I probably leave a female imprint on their subconscious, or they actually take a look and put 6 and 3 together.
2. I wanted to see if I could project decent confidence even if personally dissatisfied with my appearance.
3. I don't want to be a slave to my own self-criticism.
So I went out. Drove for about 1/2 hour to a shopping mall just north of Carlsbad. Went in. Shopped. And....
Had a really, really fabulous time.
In a mall. A crowded mall. Teenybopper girls. Teenage boys. Families with small kids. And it didn't bother me. It really didn't! Well that's not 100% true. A couple times I paused or changed direction slightly to avoid an especially large gaggle of young toughs or whatever. But other than that, I really didn't feel self conscious. I felt like a girl shopping.
And the salespeople I dealt with were soooooo nice to me. (Again, I know it's their job! It's still great.) I dropped by Macy's and to my delight they had a MAC counter there. So I was able to re-load on brown eyeliner. Also got some pretty nail polish, just because...and as usual the MAC girls were great. It was terrific fun to be shopping en femme for cosmetics with all the other ladies milling about.
From there to FoH. Just browsed this time - didn't see anything I liked. Frederick's was crowded! And I honestly don't think anyone gave me a second thought.
Couple more shops and then to Victoria's Secret. Now I am not usually a huge fan of Vicki's stuff. But (I swear) the salesgirls positively adopted me! I had no more than stepped foot in the shop (at 6:30PM with the place reasonably full) and one of the SA's asked me--unprompted--if I would like help with a bra fitting! Wow. (I didn't of course. Y'all know that I am a 38C now. Well, this month anyway.)
I picked up a really pretty sleep t and panty set, strolled a bit more and decided to call it a night. It was a great time, and I am beginning to see the joy of shopping en femme!
As the title indicated, nobody cared. As is so often the case, the demons are strictly of my own making. It was a great lesson though. If I want to advance my fem understanding to a depth of more than one millimeter, I need to understand that feeling my personal prettiest is not inextricably tied up with presenting an acceptable feminine image to the outside world.
I'm pretty happy. But also really freaking tired. Love to you all.
Erica
I'll start by making clear: I did not look my best.
I planned on getting out a bit this afternoon, but I was not too happy with how I looked. Thanks to my damnable (and worsening) West Coast insomnia I had dark circles under the eyes. I had overshaved and my skin was rashy and very dry. So the foundation did not really set correctly. And to top it off I left my fem eyeglasses in NY and was wearing the wire ones (which really aren't terrible but combined with everything else...).
Objectively I looked ok. At least compared to my ordinary look. But I did not feel ok. I did not feel especially pretty.
What I decided next I will analogize to a crossdresser equivalent of eating your spinach. I made up my mind to go out anyway. The male side of my brain expressed a few reasons:
1. Objectively I know that the people with whom I casually interact are not micro-analyzing my look. Either they pay no attention and I probably leave a female imprint on their subconscious, or they actually take a look and put 6 and 3 together.
2. I wanted to see if I could project decent confidence even if personally dissatisfied with my appearance.
3. I don't want to be a slave to my own self-criticism.
So I went out. Drove for about 1/2 hour to a shopping mall just north of Carlsbad. Went in. Shopped. And....
Had a really, really fabulous time.
In a mall. A crowded mall. Teenybopper girls. Teenage boys. Families with small kids. And it didn't bother me. It really didn't! Well that's not 100% true. A couple times I paused or changed direction slightly to avoid an especially large gaggle of young toughs or whatever. But other than that, I really didn't feel self conscious. I felt like a girl shopping.
And the salespeople I dealt with were soooooo nice to me. (Again, I know it's their job! It's still great.) I dropped by Macy's and to my delight they had a MAC counter there. So I was able to re-load on brown eyeliner. Also got some pretty nail polish, just because...and as usual the MAC girls were great. It was terrific fun to be shopping en femme for cosmetics with all the other ladies milling about.
From there to FoH. Just browsed this time - didn't see anything I liked. Frederick's was crowded! And I honestly don't think anyone gave me a second thought.
Couple more shops and then to Victoria's Secret. Now I am not usually a huge fan of Vicki's stuff. But (I swear) the salesgirls positively adopted me! I had no more than stepped foot in the shop (at 6:30PM with the place reasonably full) and one of the SA's asked me--unprompted--if I would like help with a bra fitting! Wow. (I didn't of course. Y'all know that I am a 38C now. Well, this month anyway.)
I picked up a really pretty sleep t and panty set, strolled a bit more and decided to call it a night. It was a great time, and I am beginning to see the joy of shopping en femme!
As the title indicated, nobody cared. As is so often the case, the demons are strictly of my own making. It was a great lesson though. If I want to advance my fem understanding to a depth of more than one millimeter, I need to understand that feeling my personal prettiest is not inextricably tied up with presenting an acceptable feminine image to the outside world.
I'm pretty happy. But also really freaking tired. Love to you all.
Erica