coping with impending fatherhood

[Jamie M]

hi everyone ,

i've been trying to write this post now for several months but everytime i start writing it i just can't seem to put my thoughts into words and i get all stressed out.

As some may remember from revious posts , i have been gradually finding myself ever since i first came here and have kelly and i have made leaps and bounds in our levels of acceptance and understanding . It even got to the point whereby for the first time in my life i had found a balance between julia and james. It worked , i was happy , kelly was happy , everything was great.

Here comes the part where i normally get all stressed out and end up feeling worse. It always seems that just when you get used to a situation and have worked for so long to make it good , something comes along to upset it all. Now of course this new situation is not a bad thing , in fact it's something that you've wanted for what feels like forever but regardless , when it does come along it upsets all your plans and throws your balance into chaos.

There have been several instances of this in my life already and whilst i have dealt with them all in turn and have overcome them in time, as life goes on these changes seem to grow in importance and so does the turmoil it instills in me.

This most recent period of crisis for me has been the realization of impending fatherhood. Now the crux of the whole problem for me has been that i have been waiting for this for so long and i really really want this , i want to be the best father i can be to my child but how can i do that when this thing is still a part of me ?

Kelly and i have talked about this long and hard over the months and whilst she's reassured me that this doesn't mean julia has to go , i know that i don't want to make life harder for my child by having to intergrate this into their life aswell but at the same time i know that i don't want to have to go sneaking around again hiding julia away like i ashamed of her.

So where does that leave me ? Well , right now i'm not sure . Today is the first day dressed since we were both went to sparkle several months ago . i still have the same need to be julia but somehow whenever i have had the time and inclination to do so , when i start it just somehow hasn't felt right. Needless to say that this has become very frustrating for not only myself but for kelly aswell.

I'm sure that ,in time , i will find my balance again just as i have in the past but right now i just don't know the right direction to go . Well lets face it , in two months time , the only thing that'll be on my mind is when i'll next get the chance to be asleep and not covered in regurgitated baby milk :D

well if you have made it to this part , congratulations.I'm sure that i'm not the first and i won't be the last to be in this position and have these feelings, i guess i just needed to write out my thoughts and if you're confused now i say sorry but thank you for letting me get it out of my head.

[Karren H]

Julia, your getting worked up over thsi parenting thing too much, in my opinion... And yeah, things will change but that doesn't mean that your fem side has to be adversely impacted either... Well....ok maybe with the cost of raising a child, putting them through college, you may never be able to afford a new dress ever again... Hehehe.

But it's only 23 years or so.. Most of us here have done it and our kids turned out great!! And fatherhood is the best!! Wouldn't have missed it for the world!

So hange on, your about to start a new wild ride!! And congratulations!!

Love Karren

[Kate Simmons]

I couldn't agree with Karren more. The joy of being a Dad is well worth any sacrifice you have to make with your femme self. Even though they all know about me now (they are all grown and flown), they are assured their Dad will never be anyone but that to them.Makes me happy, anyway.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Charleen]

Congratulations first of all! I am a father of a 23 year old son. (spooky Karren picked that age). My situation was different from yours however. My wife was never approving, so Lily was in the closet the whole time. I still haven't come out to my son as he just went out on his own, and has all the ups and downs of the world to deal with and I feel that letting him know about me isn't nessesary at this time.
That being said, I can let you know that being who I am made me a good dad as I was able to be both mom and dad to him. Still am. Hard to explain, but Lily puts a more sensitive and understanding nature to me. Also came in handy when nursing my wife as she died to cancer. I look at who I am as an asset in my life in personal situations.
You're going to be a great dad, and having to deal with the child and Julia is a ways down the road, so enjoy all aspects of fatherhood as before you know it, that new born is 23 and out of the house.
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Jamie M]

karen is right in saying i'm starting a new wild ride , and in truth i really can't wait to climb aboard to start that ride , i guess i'm just having a bit of trouble right now trying to decide which way i should try and steer that ride.

What it boils down to is acceptance i guess . Just when you think you have accepted yourself for who you are and found that balance in your life , something comes along to shake that . All of a sudden you're left thinking , i shouldn't do this for their sake , because in your heart you still think what you're doing is wrong which leads you into thinking whether you really have accepted yourself.

As i see it , there two main ways of going when dealing with cd'ing and children. Be upfront from the very beginning so that they get used to it and that it's normal or hide it away from them and just do it in private , maybe coming out when they're adults.

For me the right thing feels like option number two but leaves me again thinking that if i was really okay with myself it'd be number one . I guess that's where i'm at right now , am i trying to do the right thing by myself or for my child ? I don't really know and that's what's causing my self guilt.

I'm sure that karren is spot on the money , i am thinking about this too much. These sorts of situations have come and gone in my life before and they've always found a new balance again but in the mean time things haven't always been easy and i guess i just want to get this sorted in my head before junior arrives and things get even more hectic :D

[Angie G]

Hi Julia first off congratulations as you have this baby and watch him/her grow you will never regret it I have to 1boy 1girl and now 7 grandchildren from 15yrs to 1 yr old and still loving every minute over the years I had my time to dress now my wife knows i dress 5 days a week weekend I'm hubby and dad/ grandpa and I love it being a dad is fantastic you will love it oh ya the kid don;t know about angie :hugs:
Angie

[Robin Leigh]

First, a disclaimer: I'm not a parent myself, so I don't feel particularly qualified to respond to this important question, Julia.

From what I've read here, most fathers have hidden their CDing from their children, like the posters who have responded so far, but there are others who are out to their young children. See this recent thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40556) for one example.

I don't think it's right to expect children to keep such a thing a secret, so to me it only makes sense to come out to your kids if you don't care who knows you CD & if the kids aren't going to get harrassed because of it. Some neighbourhoods would be ok, but many would be intolerant.

OTOH, consider that there may be some genetic component to your TG nature, so your kids may have some kind of TG potential, too. As a TG parent, you can recognize that & support it in a way that a non-TG parent never can. That doesn't mean you have to CD in front of your kids, though. I guess it all comes down to the attitude that you pass on to them.

Robin

[Paula Thomas]

Julia - First, congratulations.

I (my wife and I) have two daughters and three grandchildren (although I expect number-2 daughter to provide additional grandkids).

I am not out to them, and, barring accident, will probably not be out to them (although I am starting to write software (educational & "useful"), and may market it under my enfem name (which may include potential for outing myself in a relatively "safe" way ("safe" in my way of thinking under my circumstances (YMMV)))).

But.............I came out to my wife started later in life.

Just remember, the only "constant" in life is "change."

If you come out to your child(ren), I agree with Robin, in that they cannot keep secrets (and other children can be really mean (both to you and to your children)).

On the other hand, sometimes children take the attitute "So what? Let's play tag."

[Wendy me]

no need to worry or stress over having children .... you will simply do what 100,000's of other Cd's have done for so long ... what is right for your family.. with all the things in our life that we had to change razing two boy's the one thing i learned is it was all well worth it and given the chance i would not change a thing.....

[EricaCD]

Just one small thought to add to the wealth of wonderful advice and perspectives already offered: there is no reason for you to equate a decision not to tell your kids about your crossdressing with a lack of self-acceptance. I am pretty well along the way in terms of self-acceptance, but I am perfectly cognizant that there are profound social pressures against crossdressing. It is a desire to insulate my kids from those social pressures that drove my decision, rather than personal shame.

I am aware that reasonable CD minds can differ on this philosophy, and I absolutely respect the decision of any CD who elects to tell their kids after considering all the implications. I would just suggest that you not assume that your decision signifies a negative self-image.

Congratulations!!!!

Erica

[kristine239]

The decission may be very simple. Based on experience and a lot of discussion with professionals, you are in a great position. A new born, knows what they know when born. What that means is that they have no prejudice on they day they are born. That comes later.

If you are already out and about with a supportive wife, then continue what you are doing right now and don't change. As the child matures, he/she will always know that you dress the way you feel at the time and that it is not unusual. If you start to hide your CD'ing now, then it will be a very difficult time trying to explain when you want to come out later.

As the child grows older they might ask "How come so-in-so's dad does not wear womens cloths?" That is the time to go into the details and not before. Bring yor child up to accept all of the differences that life will expose them to and not have built-in prejudices that need to be explaind and adjusted later.

Many of the previous posts are talking about telling children when the Dad came out as a CD later in the childs life. This does not apply to you! Make CDing a normal part of your family life, and they will never know the difference.

I wish you and your wife, happyness and good health to you 3.

[Karren H]

Just an additional piece of advice or an observation....kids, especially boys, as the grow up hate to be embaraced in front of their friends.... So no hugging the son anywhere in or around school, no talking to him if his friends are watching...... So I'd assume that his friends finding out you crossdress is way worse than that...

And that's my wifes number one fear....the kids being ostracized for what I love to do... Sad but that's life!!

Love Karren

[Kimberly]

I believe, from quite anecdotal evidence, that this whole "having
to deal with it" that your child needs to do is mostly in your head.

Think about it - children are born with a simple fundamental idea, male and female... what they are not born with are clothes, gender-orientated etiquette. That's what we learn as children, from all angles - but mainly from our parents. Now, if you think you're child, from the word "Go", has to "deal with" your crossdressing -- that's rubbish.

Who know's what your child will think or feel if crossdressing is intergrated early on in life. I think it's an important lesson that is never learnt as we grow up: gender is not the same as sex. You can be girly if you really like, and still be male. You can be a tomboy, and still be female. What matters is us, our respect for one another, and how we care for each other.

Don't stress... If anything, it'll be a fantastic way of seeing how crossdressing effects growing children.

I can imagine your child, in 20 years time - a (socialogically) perfectly rounded human being, without crossdressing tendancies, just living a standard life. So their father used to present as the other gender. Does it change their life? No. Does it worry them? No... But they may have crossdressing tendancies. You never know! And that's the beauty of life. :)

Destress. Talk. Explore how far you want to take this with your child. I don't see a new problem, I see a new opportunity to develop both your and your child's "human being."

Best wishes xx

[Snookums]

I never had children,my job kept me way too busy to have a long term relationship.
Now I'm retired and 57 years old,I don't want them this late in life,my SO has 2 kids,both are grown and gone and have children of their own.
Perhaps if the world hadn't been threatened,I would have had a normal life.
My last op was Sierra Leon,thats why I did the job I did,someone has to stand up for the helpless.
Good luck I hope you have a healthy baby.

[janedoe311]

One of the biggest problems I had was wanting to breast feed.
I felt left out. We did not bottle feed until our first was about 2 months old. Then it was breast milk.

Other than that you will loose sleep, have very little time with your wife and have lots of fun with the baby.

[Sky]

I know this may sound incredibly old fashioned, but does anybody else believe in the value of separate parental figures?

I do. I think it's positive to show your kids they have a dad and a mom. I wouldn't be bold enough to assume a young kid is sure dad is "dad" even when he's wearing a skirt. Separate parental figures complement each other: a cd dad would drive Junior to ask himself why does dad wants to look like mom. A teenager would understand, but in that case you have the automatic opposition to whatever mom and dad do -and you're adding an additional friction issue.

I am aware my objection is applicable to same sex couples too. Feel free to call me a dinosaur.

[janedoe311]

I know this may sound incredibly old fashioned, but does anybody else believe in the value of separate parental figures?

I do. I think it's positive to show your kids they have a dad and a mom. I wouldn't be bold enough to assume a young kid is sure dad is "dad" even when he's wearing a skirt. Separate parental figures complement each other: a cd dad would drive Junior to ask himself why does dad wants to look like mom. A teenager would understand, but in that case you have the automatic opposition to whatever mom and dad do -and you're adding an additional friction issue.

I am aware my objection is applicable to same sex couples too. Feel free to call me a dinosaur.

I completely agree with you.

Have a real problem with same sex couples raising kids.:thumbsdn:

I my opinion it will screw up the kids. My father died when I was 4. I was raised by my mother, grandmother and nanny. Had no father figures(my grandfather stayed out of it) untill my mother remaried when I was about 10. My stepfather was not a father more of a warden. So I never did have a father figure and at 55 feel something was missing from my life.:(

Would not wish that on anyone.

[InHerShoes]

I have a fifteen month old and when I'm around her I just don't dress. As she gets older this means less and less time to dress but you know, I wouldn't trade five minutes with her for a lifetime of dressing and until you have the baby you won't really get this. There's still plenty of time to dress and I find that I look forward to them and they become more fun for thier rarity.
I don't plan to ever be "out" with my kids - there is so much "normal" stuff that will need explaining I just don't need to complicate it any more for them.

[Byllie]

Congratulations! You'll make a great parent!

And yes, I said parent, as that's what you'll be. "Father" is another label, and I prefer "Parent". There will be lots of ups and tons of downs, but the ride, in the end, has rewards which mere words cannot adequately describe.

And as we've always said, (and excuse the poor pun) baby steps, baby steps!
:^5:

[Ms.Susan]

Julia,

First congradulations on your future parent hood. As I read this thread, there is a wealth of information given to you. As a father and crossdresser of two wonderful children, a son 16 and daughter 20, let me provide you with what work well for me, then you can decide if it is right for you.

As with you, my wife has been very excepting and supportive of boyh my male and female side. It did take me a bit longer than my wife to fully except my female side. That being said, I think that you are further along the path of self exceptance than I was when I was placed in the role of fatherhood. If you are self excepting and your wife is understanding than you have absolutley nothing to worry about.

Being in touch with both the male and female sides of you will allow you to be more of an understanding and participating parent. You will be able to be both a mother and father. This will allow your child to develop a close bond with you, wether or not they know about your being a crossdresser.

Yes, your dressing paterns will change, there is no way around it. But trust me on this, you will find time for youe female side and it will work out. It dosen't take long for kids to want to go with there friends.

As for telling your child, that is a very personal descision. I did not tell mine, nore do I dress in front oif them. My daughter noe knows, however, this was based on her questions towards me. It has been my experience, that kids have enough of their own problems and issues to worry about while growing up. If they are raised in an open family enviornment with no hard feelings towards anyone group, then they too will tend to be open minded individuals. I have found it best to let your children decide at what point in their lives is it best to be informed about my being a crossdresser. They need to make this descision, not me. Each individual has a different thought process and deals with their own and family issues differently. Take it slow and easy don't rush it, you have 20 some years.

You will do just fine with a loving and suppoetive wife. Just mu thoughts. :love:

[Diana West]

I don't think you're overreacting at all.

I think you reacting like any concerned parent would. The realization that you're suddenly going to be a Dad should scare th hell out of you. It is an awesome responsibility. But one that you will find comes naturally.
If you weren't a crossdresser, you might be freaking out about someting else that you'd might have to sacrifice for the baby. Having a child does mean sacrifice. It has to. You're reacting to the fact that for the first time in your life, you are not the most important person in your life. Not so say that you're self-centered. Until you have a child, you cannot comprehend how important this little creature is. Your focus in your life will become the child. And it will occur naturally.
I remember I completely lost it one night before the baby was born when I realized how many diapers I was going to have to change (3 a day for several years). But changing diapers just became a habit. When my daughter was finally potty-trained, I couldn't believe how much extra tme I had.


Listen, you're going to be so busy with your baby that you may not even think about crossdressing. You'll just want a good night's sleep.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

well hun first of all congratulations :happy: u should be proud. and, il say this :
c/d doesnt stop ur abilty to be a good father to your child, u dont wear a badge saying :" ur father wears womens clothes". your love for ur child will STILL be the same no matter what hun. as i see it , theres alot of worse fathers doing other stupid things, and dont care about their children ( i.e. drugs,drink ) etc. so plz dont beat urself up about it. i understand it must be hard for you, and ur head full of issues, but, when u hold ur son/daughter, u will immedatley know that above all else ur a father first and foremost :love: and u will still be able to "dress" when u feel it is apropreaite for urself when the chance arises :happy: best of luck hun , enjoy being a father :D

[lady lycra]

I don't post here too often these days, but reading your post has got my typing fingers itching :)

Congratulations. Being a dad is the best thing in the world.
My wife knows of my "hobby". We've got to the stage where she tolerates it and allows me time to partake in my "hobby"

Rule number one.... Not in front of our son!
This is MY rule not my wife's.
Call me old fashioned but I DO belive in mother and father. I beleive in marriage. I beleive in family.
Dad's are dads, mums are mums.
This won't be popular on here, but that's what I beleive.
Kids need role models.

If your child grows up seeing you in a skirt and heels, he/she will grow up thinking it's normal.... Society on the other hand won't.
When the little un is old enough to talk, or definately when at school age, litt'e un will mention to friends that dad and mum wear the same clothes.
This WILL turn into your child being picked on by other kids. It's NOT a maybe. Kids are cruel!

The first couple of years won't matter, but there will come a time when it will matter and you should, in my opinion, re-think your priorities.

Yes, I'm sure that dressing is important to you, it's important to all of us here, but being a dad MUST take priority.

I'm not hiding the world from our son. We live 2 doors away from a lesbian couple. He knows they are two women and that they are "married". He doesn't have any issues, he takes it as normal. Sadly for us, we are not considered in the same light as lesbian/gay couples. We're still seen as twisted perverts, freaks and misfits

It's your call. Our choice was to keep my dressing from our son. I'll often wear Tights (hose) and panties all day, but under drab clothing. He can't see it.
I wait for him to go to bed and get to sleep before I dress. I always have a pair of jeans and a jumper at hand, just in case he wakes.

You do have to think about the child. Not so much now, but when he/she is older. My son has seen me in tights. I wear them when out cycling in the icy weather under cyling trousers. When i get back into the warm house the trousers come off but the tights stay on for a while.... He's used to this, and should he tell anyone about it, I have a good reason to be wearing the tights.
It's a different story should he see me in a short tight skirt, 3 inch heels, a satin blouse and a pair of dangly earings.... I'd have a job explaining that to the other parents :)

So basically, I say keep it away from the kids, until they are old enough to understand, old enough to keep it a secret (do you want your kids keeping secrets?), and old enough to stick up for themselves should it all go pear shaped.

It's going to be tough, but being a dad really is worth all the sacrifices.
My son is the most improtant thing in my life. I don't want him hurt by my desires. I can live without skirts and heels, I doubt if I could live knowing my son got hurt because of them.

Good luck and enjoy fatherhood.
Take at least one photo everyday. Write a diary for at least the first year. And never leave the house without telling little un that you love him/her.

LL

[Calliope]

Parenting really intensified my fem identification. Holding a baby may well surpass all the swishy skirts or luxurious long lashes of yesterday. Could be a real good development for ya.