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Sophie Yeats
01-04-2005, 02:44 PM
Heya all,
I've posted this to my lj (http://www.livejournal.com/users/suicideshy).
And I'd like you all to read it too. Mainly because I'm stuck in a real rutt here and need some support.. Please read my LJ and don't judge me too harshly on my eaerlier comments. I've been going through a period of severe depression. Anyway's here is my latest comment...

And once more I feel torn in two.
I would love to transition, finally throw off all of the bullshit and say to the world, **** you all this is who I am and what I want to do.
But there are consequences.
It would destroy my gf.
We have a life planned, marriage, children, house.. years of living and loving together.
We truly love each other, and that is something so hard to find these days. She is the first person I have ever felt truly loved me.
I can't do it to her. I can't pull down her life and tear it to shreds.
I just don't know how much longer I can put things off for.
I can see how much this is hurting everyone around me. My family, my beloved.
What the **** am I supposed to do?


Help..
- Sophie

Amelie
01-04-2005, 04:00 PM
Sophie, this is such a terrible situation, I really feel for you.
What can you do? This is very tough to answer. You have a loving GF, which you planned your lives together. One chouce would be to try to come to some kind of agreement with your GF. But you have told her otherwise when you both planned the future. You will be changing these plans, this is why it will hurt your GF. I can also say, that the feeling for transitioning is great. If so, then you might lose your GF with the choice to transition, it wasn't what she had planned on. It is going to be difficult which ever way you go. Someone is going to get hurt. You have to be prepared for the worst, your GF leaving you or transitioning. Which can you live with or without. Yes, your GF might want to part of your life after transitioning. But she shouldn't be expected to. This is a major life changing situation for her as well as you.
I don't know all the facts about you and your GF. But you have to some how work it out, maybe with outside help(professional).
I really don't know what else to say. This is a tight spot you're in. I wish I had a magic wand and all will be better, but I don't. I can only hope that you can make peace with yourself and your GF and nobody gets hurt by your decision. Which ever way you choose, it will be tough.
Love Amelie

Chrissycd
01-04-2005, 06:30 PM
she is aware of your situation, and she still wants to be with you, then it really IS true love. I was married for nine years, and hid my true self throughout it all. It was like living w/ a ticking time bomb. Sooner or later, I had to be me. Even though I loved her (and still do, b/c we're still friends), it really was unfair to both of us looking back on it, for me to live that way. She never even knew who I really was!!! That's the saddest thing about it. I won't tell you what to do, but be honest with her and yourself. It would probably be best to seek out a gender specialist to help you sort it all out carefully.
Chrissy

Julie York
01-04-2005, 06:35 PM
Sophie.
I haven't got anything that will make it better. The pain is because of the conflict between who you are being, and who you want to be.
I truly wish I could help.

I just thought maybe if I wrote something you'd know you made contact with some one and...well maybe me hurting a bit on your behalf will help?

Fallen Angel
01-04-2005, 11:39 PM
soffie, i can understand your pain and i realy mean it i had a very dark time as well and you are the only one thay can make that choice. have you tried to talk to her about this,is this realy what you want,and where will all this go from here,ive answard alot of threads over things like this to help other menbers just like you .every body goes thru different things we listen to all and take the best things and use them. you first need to get hold of your self doing some thing rash doent sovle any thing concore one thing at a time get thru the small stuff and go to the larger things it sounds to me your like a gold fish in a bowl your swimming in circles and your getting very confused with what to do first i know its easy for some one to say these things and i know its a lot harder to do them try to get your self together we a re all here for you! and theres enough of us to go around to talk to and listen and try to help youXXXXXXX

Priss
01-04-2005, 11:44 PM
This whole thing is a tough decision.

One thing to remember here, is that this is not something that will just go away with marriage, military service, or what have you... What you do, is up to you, and I have not the experience really to give advice. However what happens if you get married, and ten years later down the line you can't handle it anymore and go for transition. How will it affect her then? This has happened to a whole lot of TSs and gays. They know about it and get married anyway, thinking that it'll magically cure them, or just decide to live a separate secret life. When the wives find out, they can be really devastated.

I don't really have the time to go read all of your journal, however perhaps you should find a way to do some sort of RLT here before you go and get married. And if you haven't told her then do, because this affects all of you, right down to those kids you're planning. Yes, if you decide after some RLT to go for it, it may crush her. Atleast though you've given her the opportunity to decide her own destiny, and perhaps the chance to build that life with someone else if it can't be with you. If you love her, she deserves the very best that you can give her.

Paula UK
01-05-2005, 08:17 AM
none of us here know the relationship you have with your GF, only you know what you think she'll accept. if its any help though, i told my GF about a year ago now. i told her about being TV and then in the next breath progrssed to tell her that im a TS. i was amazed at how she reacted!! im now on hormones with her full support and although i can never have the op atleast i can get part way there. ive got a lovely pair pf boobs on their way now.

the point im trying to make is that you may be surprised at how supportive your GF is, it never amazes me at just how many women are OK with all this .

only you know her though so whatever you do is down to you, but you will have all our support here!

DonnaT
01-05-2005, 02:16 PM
Seems your GF is aware of and participates in your dressing (Nov. 1, 2004 journal entry) right?

But you think you would like to transistion. Does that mean including SRS?

A number of TSs find that after having the hormone therapy, and lived the required real life experience, that they do not want to go through SRS. That is, like them, you may not know how you will react until the time comes.

So for now, you need to talk it over with your GF. She may like the physical changes that hormones will have on you. If she's still ok with everything and want children, y'all can have them before taking the final steps. Freeze the sperm even, for a later time, when your financial situation is secure.

There are all kinds of options available, but the one option you don't have is being honest with your GF and yourself. Not being completly honest has you spiralling downwards into a depression hole you may never get out of.

Sophie Yeats
01-07-2005, 03:51 PM
After coming out of therapy a few weeks ago I did indeed share everything with her about my Dysphoria. We both ended up in tears. She is scared that she's going to lose me..
I do need to transition, with all my heart I need it. I just cant see a way to reconcile both sides of my life.. *sigh*

Chrissycd
01-08-2005, 01:11 AM
It is VERY difficult to be true to ourselves when the tide is pushing us the other way with all its force. Not to get campy on you, but, there's an old Bob Dylan song in which he repeats over and over again in the chorus one thing that I ignored for years. I hope you don't ignore it like I did. He sang two simple words: Trust yourself.
For dysphoric girls, those two words may be the most difficult to believe.
Hugs,
Chrissy

Sarah Cummings
01-22-2005, 05:35 AM
Hi Sophie, Sarah here. The last post you mentioned about therapy and told her everything. Both in tears, her because she's afraid of losing you. Did she say how she "THINKS" she might feel if you transitioned? Did she say she would still love you even after? Ask her if she would still want to be with you after the transition. Would "YOU" still want to be with her afterwards? If so, then tell her that she needs not be afraid of losing you!! The thing that would change in your lives would be that you both would be lesbians!! I couln't say that that would be the ultimate turnout, but I think that these would be the things to ask. OR, is it that she's afraid of losing the MAN that she knows and has come to love? Do you think that she would be interested in comming to this website and communicating with others on here that may have simular circumstances? It could help her to gain some insights to what it's like for a ts to feel the way they do and how deep the inner person feels to breakout. Your emotions toward her are not nessecarilly going to change. How long have you been with your GF till this point in time? Keep us posted on your progress. I'm sure that if your GF comes online, she can ask anything she feels she has on her mind and in her heart, and someone on here will have some sort of understanding and hopefully shed some light for her so she can hopefully come to grips with your situation. Like I said, Keep us posted ok? Love Sarah

christelle
01-23-2005, 02:47 PM
Hi Sophie,
You are in a very tough sittuation, and in reality, only you can com eup with an answer for your predicament because nobody knows your sittuation better than you. We can give you advise, but in the end, it is your life and your choice.
Here is what happened to me: I met my partner and we fell in love. We really connected. True love! We were amazingly happy together and so good for each other. Yet, a demon that I thought I got rid of, soon surfaced again. My need to be a woman! Slowly but surely it was getting the better of me and it had a very negative effect on our relationship. I mean, how could I make anybody happy if I was so misserable with myself? My partner on the other hand, thought that she was doing something wrong, and the more I told her it was not her, the less she believed me. Eventually I had to tell her, it was killing me!

After I told her, there was much tears and fears. Once we came to the understanding that we still love each other very much and still wanted to be together, we started to walk the path together.

Today I am almost a year post op. I am a very happy person.We are still together in an amazing loving and caring relationship, and are extremely happy together. Our love for each other conquered all our fears and survived everything that was thrown in our paths. I make sure I let my partner know every day of my life how wonderfull and important she is!

I know this sittuation is rare ... but it does happen . Have faith, and whatever you decide .... good luck!

Take care.
Christelle